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i need help with step son?
He just turned 4yrs old. He won't eat we ask him if he is hungry he says no, as soon as we place a plate of food in front of him he starts crying. At our house we have a rule that we don't get up from the table till we finish what's on our plate. Rules apply to everyone including our 3 year old son who we don't have a problem with. Thing is my step son will take 2-3 hours to finish a few (2-3) chicken strips and whatever I serve as the side, sometimes a vegtable fruit or baked fries. And is crying through out the whole time.
He also doesn't say when he has to go peepee . He starts holding himself but says nothing. So if you don't see him and ask him he will just pee him self.
My husband and I have a certain way that we are raising our 3year old son, we have rules and expectations for their age. Like when they are done playing with toys they are to be put back, if they spill something they need to let us know and help clean it up, when they change their clothes go in a dirty basket......ect. not hard stuff but things we feel they can do. Problem is anytime we ask him to do something as stated above he as "no you do it" and starts crying.
We have tried to talk to his mom but she just says its ok he is still a baby, even about him wetting himself.
I'm 26wks pregnant and my patients is running low. His dads at work so Im the one who looks after him when he is here.
He also doesn't say when he has to go peepee . He starts holding himself but says nothing. So if you don't see him and ask him he will just pee him self.
My husband and I have a certain way that we are raising our 3year old son, we have rules and expectations for their age. Like when they are done playing with toys they are to be put back, if they spill something they need to let us know and help clean it up, when they change their clothes go in a dirty basket......ect. not hard stuff but things we feel they can do. Problem is anytime we ask him to do something as stated above he as "no you do it" and starts crying.
We have tried to talk to his mom but she just says its ok he is still a baby, even about him wetting himself.
I'm 26wks pregnant and my patients is running low. His dads at work so Im the one who looks after him when he is here.
I just want to add that to a child of this age, it is very hard on them to express how they are feeling about the break up of their parents, the instability they feel by going back and forth from one house to the next, etc. My kids at 4 were very attached to me and my ways and it would be VERY difficult for them to go to another home with different expectations and people who absolutely expected him to acclimate to the situation without any fuss whatsoever. Even if it was their dad. Especially a dad that they see every other weekend and spent the rest of the time with me. Kind of unrealistic in my opinion.
I would work on bonding and a real relationship with him verses just care giving and feeding. Get to know him as a person.
I don't hear anything in these posts that sounds like autism or developmental to be honest. But rather a sad child. A child that may be acting out.
Empathy is the right answer with this boy. And cleaning your plate is typically frowned on these days by pediatric dieticians and psychologists.
Just my opinion but I do hope for a peaceful meshing of homes for this boy so he can feel supported and loved rather than just that he cleaned his plate and did what he was suppose to.
I do believe that the poster has good intentions, I really do. And I hope it works out for all to be happy together . Peace.
I would work on bonding and a real relationship with him verses just care giving and feeding. Get to know him as a person.
I don't hear anything in these posts that sounds like autism or developmental to be honest. But rather a sad child. A child that may be acting out.
Empathy is the right answer with this boy. And cleaning your plate is typically frowned on these days by pediatric dieticians and psychologists.
Just my opinion but I do hope for a peaceful meshing of homes for this boy so he can feel supported and loved rather than just that he cleaned his plate and did what he was suppose to.
I do believe that the poster has good intentions, I really do. And I hope it works out for all to be happy together . Peace.
I agree with Starz that you have to stop blaming the mom, a lot of times second wives dislike the first wife so much for presumably making the new wife's life difficult in some way, that the poor little kid becomes the whipping boy for all loose resentment floating around toward his parent. Please try to separate your annoyance at her and your masses of blame at her for not being as strict as you and so forth, from the care of an anxious little child. It's not his fault!
If he doesn't eat all day, guess what, he won't starve. If he didn't eat all month, then you have a problem. But one day is not going to make or break him.
Please read the comments on the other thread and try to loosen up a bit about this. Making him sit for three hours while he cries and looks at the food is simply not right. If his mom ever got wind of what you are doing there, she would have the right to file a complaint.
If he doesn't eat all day, guess what, he won't starve. If he didn't eat all month, then you have a problem. But one day is not going to make or break him.
Please read the comments on the other thread and try to loosen up a bit about this. Making him sit for three hours while he cries and looks at the food is simply not right. If his mom ever got wind of what you are doing there, she would have the right to file a complaint.
I totally agree with searasmom. Making a child eat, and even making them finish everything on their plate sets them up for failure later in life. This old fashioned idea plays a big part in the obesity epidemic. When someone thinks they have to eat everything on their plate, that continues for the rest of their lives, often making people ignore the feeling of being full, or observing serving sizes. I understand your frustration. My daughter rarely eats a real meal, but she eats when she's truly hungry and we have no concern.
His anxiety is not coming from his mom. It appears this child has a developmental disoder, maybe autism, pdd, or aspergers. This makes sense as he does not have much speech and has sensory issues. You really should stop blaming his mom (i know thats easy to do), but niether of you guys are doing this kid any favors by the way your treating him. Contact the local Regional Center, so he can be evaluated to.determine if he has a developmental delay. Services are free. And please stop making him sit for hours at a time, I know rules are important, but this is clearly causing serious distress.
Its always difficult if hs mom doesn't c tht ths behaviour affects hs progress negativly thn I realy dnt knw wt u cn do unless u try an gt a professional involvd, an ths behaviour cud rub off on ur son, I knw hw u feel bn thru smthn similar,its nt easy, let's hope his mom sees tht her child hs a prblm
Since he is only with us on the every other weekend its hard for my husband to take him to his Dr. My husband will ask every weekend if he had "homework" to work with him from his speech therapists and the answer is always no. So my husband has to call the therapists to find out that there is packets sent home every weekend . And we didn't find out about him seeing a therapists for his speech till my husband said he had wanted to make a Dr.s appt to see if he could refer him to a good therapists, his mom says "oh well he already has one" "you never asked so I didn't say anything".
My husband has told her to notify him of any Dr appts in advance so that he can take the day off to be there she says yeah ill let you know and then never does. Untill later when she says oh the Dr says he is fine, well when did he see the Dr. She says "like last week or 2 weeks ago.
My husband has told her to notify him of any Dr appts in advance so that he can take the day off to be there she says yeah ill let you know and then never does. Untill later when she says oh the Dr says he is fine, well when did he see the Dr. She says "like last week or 2 weeks ago.
We've tried to if you don't eat you can't have a snack or you can't play and it doesn't work . We have picnics in the park and say ok when your done you can play. I don't serve them the same amount of food since my 3year old eats more I put more on his plate. We will say do you wanna play ? He'll say yes . We say ok then eat so you can play. To which he says "no play" and he won't eat so he doesn't play. When we get ready for dessert he will see his little brother get ice cream or what ever we have ,and he"ll say "me want" we tell him yeah as soon as you eat , then he says "no want ".
We tried the approach of how if.doesn't eat he will get sick we will take him to the hopital . He cries then we says then eat so we don't have to take you and then he says "no eat go Dr."
We tried the approach of how if.doesn't eat he will get sick we will take him to the hopital . He cries then we says then eat so we don't have to take you and then he says "no eat go Dr."
Meant to say "...have him and her take their son TOGETHER to either the pediatrician or a child therapist."
It definitely seems like your situation is being made more difficult than it should be due to the boy's mother. It seems to me her expectations of him are unrealistic and deprive him of building needed skills, and yours and your husband's expectations may be too harsh for him to adjust to because of the inconsistency.
Maybe you and your husband can get your stepson's mother to agree to have him and her take their son TOGETHER to either the pediatrician. I do think he is having issues with anxiety because of all the inconsistencies and unrealistic expecations he is dealing with between two homes, and possibly SPD with the eating and bathroom issues. Your husband's and your concerns about issues he may have are valid, I'm not denying that, and I can see why this is frustrating. Hopefully you can get his mother to agree to some kind of cooperation to get him evaluated by a doctor.
Maybe you and your husband can get your stepson's mother to agree to have him and her take their son TOGETHER to either the pediatrician. I do think he is having issues with anxiety because of all the inconsistencies and unrealistic expecations he is dealing with between two homes, and possibly SPD with the eating and bathroom issues. Your husband's and your concerns about issues he may have are valid, I'm not denying that, and I can see why this is frustrating. Hopefully you can get his mother to agree to some kind of cooperation to get him evaluated by a doctor.
Thank you for your in put. Problem is to him he is never hungry if you wait for him to say something (which we have) dinner time will come and he won't have said anything all day. So by then we feel bad that he litterly hasn't eaten all day. He acts the same way with his mom except she babys him when he doesn't want to do it and has even said that when they are eating at their house and he starts crying she cries and stops eating herself because she feels guilty that she is getting full and he isn't.
His mom is really hard to talk to. When he was younger my husband suggested putting him in a preschool or day care so that he could socialize with other children because he wasn't talking at all. She said no because he is too young he was 2. And them my husband found a speech therapists and his mom said no he would talk when he was ready. Untill the Dr. Told her he need to be used to other children and needed to start talking because she was the only one that could understand his needs. He did sign language and uhm and humed and pointed. The Dr had to point out to her that she would not be present when he starts school (this august) to interpret between him and the teacher. He still points and uhm hums but he is saying a lot more words now.
Could his anxiety come from his mom treating him like a baby and him wanting everyone to treat him the same.
His mom is really hard to talk to. When he was younger my husband suggested putting him in a preschool or day care so that he could socialize with other children because he wasn't talking at all. She said no because he is too young he was 2. And them my husband found a speech therapists and his mom said no he would talk when he was ready. Untill the Dr. Told her he need to be used to other children and needed to start talking because she was the only one that could understand his needs. He did sign language and uhm and humed and pointed. The Dr had to point out to her that she would not be present when he starts school (this august) to interpret between him and the teacher. He still points and uhm hums but he is saying a lot more words now.
Could his anxiety come from his mom treating him like a baby and him wanting everyone to treat him the same.
Oh not 2 mention my son has sensory processing disorder and my stepson has aspergers. This is a common symptom although typically developing children r sometimes just not hungry. Ask urself this. R u always hungry at every meal. Do u have t same level of hunger everyday. I doubt it.
Im sorry but ur not going 2 like what I have 2 say. U should never force a child 2 eat. Instead reqire a no thank u bate and leave it at that allso make sure that he understands he cant have a snack if he doesnt eat. Children often go through stages where they r not hungry its normal and he wont starve. Just make sure he dosent loose weight. I work in childcare and c this regularly. W t p thing that is normal 2 exspecially if he doesnt have t words. Just keep saying "say pee when u have 2go and I will bring u." Eventually he will catch on. Children who r forced 2 eat have an increased risk of developing an eating disorder.
I agree with AnnieBrooke, it seems like your stepson has anxiety issues and/or sensory issues. Please look into childhood anxiety and sensory processing disorder with a google search--I'm sure you will be amazed at the information you come across and may find suggested techniques to try and see if they work for him. Also please encourage the boy's mother to do the same for him and consult his pediatrician about it.
My 7 year old son has sensory processing disorder. He does not have issues with eating (tactile sensory system), but SPD is a wide spectrum of issues pertaining to the nervous system. My son has a slow vestibular system so he has a hard time with balance and feeling stabilized, therefore is always in motion and fidgeting and even craving high impact pressure like running into walls, I kid you not. It would be easy to assume he has ADHD with as hyperactive and fidgety as he is constantly, but he has no academic learning issues or any other ADHD symptoms. He goes to occupational therapy and we learn ways to help him realize what his issues are and how to manage them. You stepson, possibly having a tactile sensory system issue, may not feel the urge to go to the bathroom like what is normal, and chewing, swallowing, or just dealing with the texture of food in his mouth may bother him and he has no idea how to express that at his age.
Another thing--it's unlikely that he will starve himself. If he does not want to eat, he will eat when he's hungry. I would not worry about him passing out unless he's actually shown the potential for having that happen or has had that happen.
Also, as AnnieBrooke stated, you can't have the same expectations for different children. Treating them fairly is not the same as applying the same rules to everyone. Fair treatment can still apply with different rules and expectations that can be tailored to each child's unique personality. You just need to find the techniques that work for each child. When I was the same age as your stepson and had to go visit my dad and stepmom, I had high levels of anxiety, refused to eat, and had difficulty with bowel movements. I didn't like being treated the same as my older and younger sisters because they were not as "fragile" tempered as I was. I was the kind of kid that, if you looked at me cross-eyed, I'd break down in tears. I was very non-confrontational and extremely compliant, but I was also very insecure and anxious away from my mom. My dad and stepmom expected me to finish my meals, expected me to sleep alone in my own bed, and expected me to be just like my two sisters. I couldn't handle it. Whenever I'd visit, I'd be very withdrawn, reserved, scared, and would usually cry more than half the time I was there. They didn't do anything wrong by me, but they didn't understand me. I did not like visiting them until I was in my late teens.
So please, try not to see your expectations as being needed to be fair, but rather the other way around--be fair with your expectations. These are two different children. Your child is in a stable home and everything is always consistent. Your stepson does not have that priviledge.
My 7 year old son has sensory processing disorder. He does not have issues with eating (tactile sensory system), but SPD is a wide spectrum of issues pertaining to the nervous system. My son has a slow vestibular system so he has a hard time with balance and feeling stabilized, therefore is always in motion and fidgeting and even craving high impact pressure like running into walls, I kid you not. It would be easy to assume he has ADHD with as hyperactive and fidgety as he is constantly, but he has no academic learning issues or any other ADHD symptoms. He goes to occupational therapy and we learn ways to help him realize what his issues are and how to manage them. You stepson, possibly having a tactile sensory system issue, may not feel the urge to go to the bathroom like what is normal, and chewing, swallowing, or just dealing with the texture of food in his mouth may bother him and he has no idea how to express that at his age.
Another thing--it's unlikely that he will starve himself. If he does not want to eat, he will eat when he's hungry. I would not worry about him passing out unless he's actually shown the potential for having that happen or has had that happen.
Also, as AnnieBrooke stated, you can't have the same expectations for different children. Treating them fairly is not the same as applying the same rules to everyone. Fair treatment can still apply with different rules and expectations that can be tailored to each child's unique personality. You just need to find the techniques that work for each child. When I was the same age as your stepson and had to go visit my dad and stepmom, I had high levels of anxiety, refused to eat, and had difficulty with bowel movements. I didn't like being treated the same as my older and younger sisters because they were not as "fragile" tempered as I was. I was the kind of kid that, if you looked at me cross-eyed, I'd break down in tears. I was very non-confrontational and extremely compliant, but I was also very insecure and anxious away from my mom. My dad and stepmom expected me to finish my meals, expected me to sleep alone in my own bed, and expected me to be just like my two sisters. I couldn't handle it. Whenever I'd visit, I'd be very withdrawn, reserved, scared, and would usually cry more than half the time I was there. They didn't do anything wrong by me, but they didn't understand me. I did not like visiting them until I was in my late teens.
So please, try not to see your expectations as being needed to be fair, but rather the other way around--be fair with your expectations. These are two different children. Your child is in a stable home and everything is always consistent. Your stepson does not have that priviledge.
I suggest having his dad talk to the Dr too, IDK if you're able to I don't have step children and I don't know how that works since I am the only one who talks to the Drs so my husband doesn't deal with medical stuff regarding my older son which isn't his. But anyway if youre able to then you talk to the Dr. I agree it has to be frustrating. My older son wont eat sometimes and it is difficult. With him I usually just let him down and he'll tell me when he's hungry. I am not suggesting you change your rules but maybe there's something else behind the problem. Something none of you see. I nannied a little girl who is autistic and she did the exact same things. I'd take him in for a check up and just what the Dr suggests
We have him sit at the table till he is done so that we can see him eat otherwise he will take I kid you not a spoonful or 2 and say he is done. I'm afraid of him fainting or something while in my care. His mom says he cries with her too but that as soon as he starts crying she doesn't make him eat anymore. So if he isn't eating at his house and we stop what we'be been doing that he might starve.
During the thanksgiving and Christmas break by the end he wouldnt cry and would even ask for more. Since those were the 2 longer periods that he stays with us. Then when we took him back to his house and got him back for the weekends it seemed that we were starting all over.
My husbands family tells us to treat them the same so we do rules apply to both of them. It's not really fair if one of them can get away with things just because he is only there every other weekend.
During the thanksgiving and Christmas break by the end he wouldnt cry and would even ask for more. Since those were the 2 longer periods that he stays with us. Then when we took him back to his house and got him back for the weekends it seemed that we were starting all over.
My husbands family tells us to treat them the same so we do rules apply to both of them. It's not really fair if one of them can get away with things just because he is only there every other weekend.
It sounds like even though you have good intentions, you are forgetting that you can't treat one child exactly like the other and compare them to each other. The stepson's anxiety levels are clearly going through the roof. If he has to sit at a meal for three hours, crying the whole time, you are doing something wrong, not him. You should change your approach, no matter what you make your three-year-old do. Please see a children's therapist and talk over your approach to meals and to pottying; he or she might be able to give you some better ideas.
If his mother isnt following the same rules it wont work. I have 3 kids myself berween the ages of 10 and 4..and im 23 weeks along right now..it isnt a easy job..but u cant expect him to get it if his mother wont help.. he is most likely getring what he wants at his house.. or it my be a sensory issue..my son refused to eat amd still wets bed.. hes 10.he has adhd/ mild autism..talk to a doctor..or better yet have his dad do it..and maybe have his dad talk to his ex about him..might work
This is normal, call ur sons doctor, he will probably give u a scrit for pediasure, and your son will love it. And it will give him all the nutrience he needs!
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