Aa
in shock...help :(
I was going to post this on relationships but I know you guys better...my husband just walked out on me, my baby girl, and our unborn son. I'm so lost....we've been having slight troubles over the past few months, but it was mostly money related. when his paycheck got deposited at midnight tonight, it was only $130....for two week's work (it should have been more like $600). I obviously was REALLY upset and pissed...he's overdrawn our account by $300 this month so I assumed that's what he did. we argued for a bit and then he went to go sleep in the other room because he didn't "want to listen to it anymore". Well, I picked up his phone to call the bank to see what the original paycheck amount was so I could figure out how much he had overdrawn by...and I discovered several early-morning calls to his boss. I KNOW this means he's been "calling in" to work. When I confronted him about it and asked him where the hell he had been going instead of going to work, he just said that he'd been depressed and going to the park to think.
Calmly, and I SWEAR I was calm, because I was in shock, I said "the only reason *I* can imagine that you would NOT go to work and lie to me about it, would be if you were cheating on me." and he.....left. walked out. packed a bag and left, after saying "I'm NOT cheating on you but I'm sick of the damn accusations."
I....don't know what to think. I think it's entirely possible that he's NOT cheating, because of the type of person he is...but...he came back about 20 minutes later to me sitting on the living room floor in tears...and proceeded to tell me that he was sick of me, sick of my voice...he's tired of coming home from work and having me BEG to take the baby for awhile so I could chill (he's gone almost 14 hours every day and i'm 6 1/2 months pregnant...I thought it was fair to ask for a small break. most of the time when I ask him to take her, I go make supper.) and he's "sick of me controlling the finances" which I only think makes sense since he keeps overdrawing...but he calls it HIS money and keeps saying that he's "Taking a backseat" in this relationship.
now..something like this happened when he was in college last time, and he claims that he's nearing 30 and has accomplished absolutely nothing. he blames this on ME, even though he's the one who wanted to get married (i was finishing college and in no hurry) and he's the one who dropped out of high school (I pushed him to get his GED and enroll in college) and HE wanted both of our babies. I won't say I fought him about having babies but it wasn't my idea the first time.
he says I just b*tch too much and don't understand when he wants a day off from work (you're d*mned right I don't understand. it's his JOB just like it's my JOB to take care of our daughter, which I do 24/7 and only ask for breaks when I'm completely overwhelmed).
he's gone again now..to his parents...he says he can't stand me now, even though he loves me he "loves me and hates me equally" because i'm not "the carefree person he fell in love with." apparently my b*tching about him smoking and spending the money are his two biggest complaints..I really don't feel like I"m a Btchy wife and I NEVER TELL him to quit, I just ask him to wait..like "honey you just had a cigarette can you hold off for another hour? that's one less cigarette" but if he's REALLY stressed i always just let it go....and I never btched about finances until he overdrew us so seriously this month that we had to borrow money to pay rent...i trusted him to be responsible, and when he couldn't be, i took the debit card....but every time he ASKED to buy something i was glad to let him as long as we could afford it, you know? i even set aside "cigarette" money every week....
but i just don't know what to do :'(((((((((
i dont want my babies growing up in a split home, and m y daughter LOVES her daddy and talks about him all day while he's "at work" (god it hurts so bad knowing hes been lying while i've been telling our baby "daddy's at work making us proud")....but he's destroying our lives....he says it's because he's depresesd and won't listen. all i ask is that he support us...he only has to work 30hrs a week...god what do i do :((((((((
am i as evil as he says?!?! i'm so lost and confused i've always tried to be so...reasonable :(.
help..my daughter is lying in bed next to me sleeping and my son is kicking in my belly and i am utterly alone...
Calmly, and I SWEAR I was calm, because I was in shock, I said "the only reason *I* can imagine that you would NOT go to work and lie to me about it, would be if you were cheating on me." and he.....left. walked out. packed a bag and left, after saying "I'm NOT cheating on you but I'm sick of the damn accusations."
I....don't know what to think. I think it's entirely possible that he's NOT cheating, because of the type of person he is...but...he came back about 20 minutes later to me sitting on the living room floor in tears...and proceeded to tell me that he was sick of me, sick of my voice...he's tired of coming home from work and having me BEG to take the baby for awhile so I could chill (he's gone almost 14 hours every day and i'm 6 1/2 months pregnant...I thought it was fair to ask for a small break. most of the time when I ask him to take her, I go make supper.) and he's "sick of me controlling the finances" which I only think makes sense since he keeps overdrawing...but he calls it HIS money and keeps saying that he's "Taking a backseat" in this relationship.
now..something like this happened when he was in college last time, and he claims that he's nearing 30 and has accomplished absolutely nothing. he blames this on ME, even though he's the one who wanted to get married (i was finishing college and in no hurry) and he's the one who dropped out of high school (I pushed him to get his GED and enroll in college) and HE wanted both of our babies. I won't say I fought him about having babies but it wasn't my idea the first time.
he says I just b*tch too much and don't understand when he wants a day off from work (you're d*mned right I don't understand. it's his JOB just like it's my JOB to take care of our daughter, which I do 24/7 and only ask for breaks when I'm completely overwhelmed).
he's gone again now..to his parents...he says he can't stand me now, even though he loves me he "loves me and hates me equally" because i'm not "the carefree person he fell in love with." apparently my b*tching about him smoking and spending the money are his two biggest complaints..I really don't feel like I"m a Btchy wife and I NEVER TELL him to quit, I just ask him to wait..like "honey you just had a cigarette can you hold off for another hour? that's one less cigarette" but if he's REALLY stressed i always just let it go....and I never btched about finances until he overdrew us so seriously this month that we had to borrow money to pay rent...i trusted him to be responsible, and when he couldn't be, i took the debit card....but every time he ASKED to buy something i was glad to let him as long as we could afford it, you know? i even set aside "cigarette" money every week....
but i just don't know what to do :'(((((((((
i dont want my babies growing up in a split home, and m y daughter LOVES her daddy and talks about him all day while he's "at work" (god it hurts so bad knowing hes been lying while i've been telling our baby "daddy's at work making us proud")....but he's destroying our lives....he says it's because he's depresesd and won't listen. all i ask is that he support us...he only has to work 30hrs a week...god what do i do :((((((((
am i as evil as he says?!?! i'm so lost and confused i've always tried to be so...reasonable :(.
help..my daughter is lying in bed next to me sleeping and my son is kicking in my belly and i am utterly alone...
LMAO, that's hilarious. It's also a good start. While I still haven't gotten my DH to dish out the compliments as much as I'd like him to, I've learned that most men need to be babied. They need to constantly hear things that reaffirm their manhood. My DH is CONSTANTLY fishing for compliments, drives me nuts to be honest LOL. But just a few kind words here and there seem to make a big difference. Sometimes I think he actually gets jealous about things i've done so he REFUSES to compliment on them unless I drag it out of him. We have working on house projects since we bought this place last year. The most recent being ripping out the panelings and putting in sheetrock. He started on it and just kind of dropped it...so I finally got sick of not having complete walls and started doing it myself. Every so often he comes home frmo work and I've got a little more accomplished. Who says MEN are the strong ones? I'm 18 weeks pregnant and cutting and putting up sheetrock. I think it makes him feel like he's less of a man...oh well, makes me feel more independent :) Anyone my point is men need to be babied most of the time LOL
you're right about being in the sun. i take my baby out for about 2 hours a day now, spaced out in small increments...and once we're in the new place we'll be outdoors a good portion of the day (with sunblock of course, we're very fair skinned lol).
and you're absolutely right about the compliments..it never really occurred to me that a guy might need compliments (my dad is NOT like that ) but that's one of the big things he complained about on friday. he said that he knew i was attracted to him but that he just wanted someone to say something nice to him...and while i frequently say stuff like "i'm so proud of how hard you work" i never really thought about complimenting his appearance...but on friday we had a good laugh after our fight...we were driving to check out the new place and i turned to him and said, in all seriousness, "your hair looks fabulous what HAVE you done with it?" (he shaves his head...lol) and that set a good vibe for the rest of the evening.
and you're absolutely right about the compliments..it never really occurred to me that a guy might need compliments (my dad is NOT like that ) but that's one of the big things he complained about on friday. he said that he knew i was attracted to him but that he just wanted someone to say something nice to him...and while i frequently say stuff like "i'm so proud of how hard you work" i never really thought about complimenting his appearance...but on friday we had a good laugh after our fight...we were driving to check out the new place and i turned to him and said, in all seriousness, "your hair looks fabulous what HAVE you done with it?" (he shaves his head...lol) and that set a good vibe for the rest of the evening.
It doesn't sound pathetic. Sometimes support in ANY form is beneficial. Regardless of whether you have physically met the people or not. There are thousands of "support" forums of all kinds all over the internet and they help people every day. Even just being able to write everything out and get it off your chest is beneficial.
You're right it WILL take time, but there is always hope. As I said before DH and I went through TONS of sh*t and to a degree we still do. We used to have HORRIBLE fights abuot money and just abuot everything else under the sun. I have learned to be more understanding and less resentful towards him and he's learned to start letting go of some things that he can't control. It's especially difficult when you have these issues while pregnant, you are already extremely hormonal and moody and situations like this just seem so much worse for both sides of the relationship.
You may want to talk to your OB about feeling depressed. S/he may have some non-medicating suggestions to help you. I can tell you from experience that getting out into the sun and spending time outdoors will help tremendously.
Something else that may help your DH is, even if you don't feel like it, give him little compliments. Like when he's working on one of those projects at the new place, walk by and just say somethign simple like "Looking good, babe" Believe me it makes a big difference in how they feel and when they feel better, life is much better for US.
I'm glad he was willing to answer your questions, that's a good sign. It shows that he knows he screwed up, he admits it and he's willing to try and do what it takes to move forward. Good luck! Just take things one day at a time!
You're right it WILL take time, but there is always hope. As I said before DH and I went through TONS of sh*t and to a degree we still do. We used to have HORRIBLE fights abuot money and just abuot everything else under the sun. I have learned to be more understanding and less resentful towards him and he's learned to start letting go of some things that he can't control. It's especially difficult when you have these issues while pregnant, you are already extremely hormonal and moody and situations like this just seem so much worse for both sides of the relationship.
You may want to talk to your OB about feeling depressed. S/he may have some non-medicating suggestions to help you. I can tell you from experience that getting out into the sun and spending time outdoors will help tremendously.
Something else that may help your DH is, even if you don't feel like it, give him little compliments. Like when he's working on one of those projects at the new place, walk by and just say somethign simple like "Looking good, babe" Believe me it makes a big difference in how they feel and when they feel better, life is much better for US.
I'm glad he was willing to answer your questions, that's a good sign. It shows that he knows he screwed up, he admits it and he's willing to try and do what it takes to move forward. Good luck! Just take things one day at a time!
I just wanted to update for everyone who responded...
he came home friday morning, and went to sleep. i of course slept a whole like 2 hours after crying myself to sleep, but that's more sleep than i expected honestly. he woke up friday and kept trying to act like everything was normal...i tried so hard, but after awhile it just got to me. friday evening i told him i couldn't take him ignoring the pain he caused anymore and i wanted to go stay with my parents with the baby for the weekend and just get away and think. he got really hostile and mean and said some things that will probably stay with me for awhile....but eventually, i got a promise out of him. i told him that I had questions, and that he owed it to me to answer those questions to the best of his ability...i said that no matter how many times i might ask the same question, I need to be able to do it to start to heal and learn to trust him again.
eventually he agreed to answer my questions, and last night i laid into him pretty hard about a few things that had been driving me nuts....and he actually answered. i mean he got frustrated but i could tell he was trying because he didn't yell or storm out....so i think there's hope for us.
i'm trying to work on being more supportive and helpful to him, but i've been horribly depressed with this pregnancy and i just don't have the energy to devote to everyone else in the world while i'm trying to keep it together for my babies...but i'm trying.
hopefully things will work out. we just found a place to rent that's less than half of what we're paying now, so that's going to ease a lot of the financial arguments that we've been having, which is huge for us. he's going to have some projects at the new place because it needs a little fixing up, so that gives him something to focus on...and i'll have more freedom and a yard for the kids to play in, which lifts my spirits SO much...
idk but we're trying. thank you all so much for you responses you guys seriously got me through one of the lowest points of the last 10 years of my life and i couldn't have done it without seeing that not only have other people been there but that someone, ANYONE, cared that i was hurt.
thank you again you guys mean so much to me (i dont know if that sounds pathetic since this is a forum, lol, but it's true) and i can't express my gratitude enough...i'm sure i'll be needing more support as the healing process continues but for now you guys gave me enough strength to at least try....
so thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
-ivy
he came home friday morning, and went to sleep. i of course slept a whole like 2 hours after crying myself to sleep, but that's more sleep than i expected honestly. he woke up friday and kept trying to act like everything was normal...i tried so hard, but after awhile it just got to me. friday evening i told him i couldn't take him ignoring the pain he caused anymore and i wanted to go stay with my parents with the baby for the weekend and just get away and think. he got really hostile and mean and said some things that will probably stay with me for awhile....but eventually, i got a promise out of him. i told him that I had questions, and that he owed it to me to answer those questions to the best of his ability...i said that no matter how many times i might ask the same question, I need to be able to do it to start to heal and learn to trust him again.
eventually he agreed to answer my questions, and last night i laid into him pretty hard about a few things that had been driving me nuts....and he actually answered. i mean he got frustrated but i could tell he was trying because he didn't yell or storm out....so i think there's hope for us.
i'm trying to work on being more supportive and helpful to him, but i've been horribly depressed with this pregnancy and i just don't have the energy to devote to everyone else in the world while i'm trying to keep it together for my babies...but i'm trying.
hopefully things will work out. we just found a place to rent that's less than half of what we're paying now, so that's going to ease a lot of the financial arguments that we've been having, which is huge for us. he's going to have some projects at the new place because it needs a little fixing up, so that gives him something to focus on...and i'll have more freedom and a yard for the kids to play in, which lifts my spirits SO much...
idk but we're trying. thank you all so much for you responses you guys seriously got me through one of the lowest points of the last 10 years of my life and i couldn't have done it without seeing that not only have other people been there but that someone, ANYONE, cared that i was hurt.
thank you again you guys mean so much to me (i dont know if that sounds pathetic since this is a forum, lol, but it's true) and i can't express my gratitude enough...i'm sure i'll be needing more support as the healing process continues but for now you guys gave me enough strength to at least try....
so thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
-ivy
I can tell you from experience, both on a personal level dealing with depression and as someone dealing with someone who suffers from depression. When he aked for you to say you were relieved he came home, he is looking for reassurance that someone gives a rip. Men tend to handle depression far different from women. For me I went years feeling worthless but I pushed on my for my kids sake. I kept everything bottled up, didn't talk to anyone about it. It finally got to where I was at a real low. All I did was sit an cry, I barely took care of my kids, my oldest was helping with that. AFter 2 weeks of that I scraped myself up off the couch and got help. My husband on the other hand...well his depression manifests in one of two ways...either extreme anger where he yells and screams at everyone for every stupid little thing and says some really hateful things that he doesn't mean OR he goes into pity party mode where he feels the world is out to get him, no one cares about him, everyone is better off with out him. It's a fine art learning how to deal with either of those scenarios and it's taken me years of trial and error to learn how to respond properly. Thankfully he has finally started to get help. He is on medication and we are in the process of finding a counselor that he "clicks" with. Try to keep in mind that while what you feel and how you see this whole situation is very valid and is more realistic than his version.....what he feels/sees is what he honestly believes. Sounds crazy I know. He probably needed time away to clear his head and be able to come to his senses whereas we women could never just up and walk away from our kids no matter how short of a time it was. Men don't have the maternal bond/connection to their kids that we do. That's not to say they don't love them, but it's different for most men. Take time to get YOUR thoughts and feelings in order. When you are ready, you need to let him know everything that's going on in your head. Even if you have to write it down and let him read it...whatever it takes to get it out and give yourself some relief and give him some enlightenment.
Men prefer to act like nothing ever happened. DH does that all the time. But I've learned that when I let it go it doesn't change anything...if I make it obvious how hurt, betrayed or pissed off I am he now will usually apologize eventually and goes longer between "episodes".
As the others have mentioned, we are all here for you. We've all been there to one degree or another. Good luck!!
Men prefer to act like nothing ever happened. DH does that all the time. But I've learned that when I let it go it doesn't change anything...if I make it obvious how hurt, betrayed or pissed off I am he now will usually apologize eventually and goes longer between "episodes".
As the others have mentioned, we are all here for you. We've all been there to one degree or another. Good luck!!
One thing I wanted to point out that I didn't put in my PM. Guys don't know how to handle situations sometimes, the only thing they know to do is to run away. I've seen it before and DH and I have got into a fight and he's left, I've even done the same thing but we've only left for a couple hours. I think it was more just to get away for a little while because we needed to cool off. Maybe that's part of why he left because he didn't want to make it worse and just needed to get away for a little while. I just did it actually the night before last, DH came home and made me so mad I grabbed Elijah and went to the store for a while. When I got back I was still mad and didn't talk to him for a while, but then I explained to him why I was so mad, and he understood. Counseling for the both of you sounds good, but if you can't get him to go then like others said, for yourself so you can let out what you feel or you can talk to someone about how to deal with this. I'm no counselor but you know I'm always here, and so are so many others.
Oh Ashelen, i had no idea this was going on with you...im SO sorry i havent been around..ive been having some issues with my pregnancy again and ive been in a rush to get things finished and organized for the baby. I'm So sorry this is happening it must be so stressful. I'll get back on later to PM you...hang in there sweetie im thinking about you even if i havent been around in a while! Listen to these ladies, they have all given fabulous advice. I'll ttys!
gosh thank you guys so much...you all had such wonderful advice and it REALLY helps to hear that I'm not alone...last night was such a nightmare. I'm going to take some time later tonight and re-read what everyone posted and try to think. he came home this morning...but i'm not sure I wanted him to :(. I don't want a divorce, but when he came home it was just like he wanted to pretend that all the hurtful things and the leaving never happened....and after all the things he said to me last night i just don't feel like i can be open and honest about how I'M feeling, so right now it's all bottled up inside and i feel like there's acid gnawing away at my insides.
i'm willing to work it out for our kid's sakes, and i will try to look into counseling for myself if not for him, but i'm so frustrated.....i'm depressed too, but i never up and leave my family and my responsibility, you know? I just don't get how he could walk away like that and expect me to keep trusting him. i feel so dead inside today and like everything we're doing and saying is just a big fat lie...
i'm so torn inside and i just don't know what i want anymore. he asked me when he came home last night "can't you at least say that you're relieved i came home?" like he wanted some medal for manning up or something....i told him i was glad, but i just didn't have the heart to pat him on the back big time for something i felt like never should have been an issue...
like i said i'm gonna take some time later to read what everyone wrote and think it through, but right now i'm just in such a daze and i'm still so hurt and angry...i kind of wish he had stayed away a little longer i really need to sort through some stuff, and i can't do that with him sitting here pretending like it's all okay. we went to the store today to get the things we NEED this week, and we barely had enough money to cover that....but i dont feel like i can tell him how disappointed i am because he'll just say i refuse to understand.
i'm willing to work it out for our kid's sakes, and i will try to look into counseling for myself if not for him, but i'm so frustrated.....i'm depressed too, but i never up and leave my family and my responsibility, you know? I just don't get how he could walk away like that and expect me to keep trusting him. i feel so dead inside today and like everything we're doing and saying is just a big fat lie...
i'm so torn inside and i just don't know what i want anymore. he asked me when he came home last night "can't you at least say that you're relieved i came home?" like he wanted some medal for manning up or something....i told him i was glad, but i just didn't have the heart to pat him on the back big time for something i felt like never should have been an issue...
like i said i'm gonna take some time later to read what everyone wrote and think it through, but right now i'm just in such a daze and i'm still so hurt and angry...i kind of wish he had stayed away a little longer i really need to sort through some stuff, and i can't do that with him sitting here pretending like it's all okay. we went to the store today to get the things we NEED this week, and we barely had enough money to cover that....but i dont feel like i can tell him how disappointed i am because he'll just say i refuse to understand.
ashelen im not sure what to say but as other's said i felt for you so much when i read this. i haven't been through something similar so i dont have words of wisdom specifically, but i have been through severe relationship problems.
you said something similar happened when he was in college? it sounds to me like he is having his very selfish "mid life crisis" of a sort. even though he's not in the middle of his life yet. i think some men just go through periods where they freak out. and im not really sure why. he is probably just feeling trapped at the moment, with a young child, another one on the way, and trouble with finances. and he's taking it out on you. for SOME reason he's seeing you as the problem; you said he doesn't see you as the carefree person he fell in love with? maybe he sees his life as not "fun" enough anymore...all work and no play. while he needs to wake up and realize life isn't about fun and yall have a family, there are things you can do to help...to incooperate more "fun" into the marriage and household. while yall are super busy, leaving your daughter with someone once a week and taking a night to go out and get drinks or hang out with other married couples might help him to just have something for him to turn to each week...to help him to feel like he is still his own person and not JUST a dad or JUST a working man.
im not saying by any means that this is your fault and you're not fun enough. please don't beat yourself up for this. he's just having a childish "moment" and there are going to be things that need to be rearranged to help him to fix this. while none of us are perfect and there are always things we can improve upon, this is HIS responsibility. so please don't dump this on yourself. it sounds to me like you've really examined your part of this. and from MY persepective i don't think you've done anything to cause this. but that doesn't mean you can't do things to help.
i agree with losingmymindinga...counseling for you will help because you will be able to unload your thoughts and feelings on someone else, because chances are he can't handle that right now. and you need to be able to vent and have your head clear to confront this problem each day. sometimes emotions can really overshadow how to fix a situation. its going to be important for you over the coming weeks to vent while yall try to work this out.
feel free to vent all you want on here, or message me or any of the other girls because you know we are here. i will try to give you what advice i can, but i can't always speak from experience.
you and your family are in my prayers!! hang in there for your babies :)
you said something similar happened when he was in college? it sounds to me like he is having his very selfish "mid life crisis" of a sort. even though he's not in the middle of his life yet. i think some men just go through periods where they freak out. and im not really sure why. he is probably just feeling trapped at the moment, with a young child, another one on the way, and trouble with finances. and he's taking it out on you. for SOME reason he's seeing you as the problem; you said he doesn't see you as the carefree person he fell in love with? maybe he sees his life as not "fun" enough anymore...all work and no play. while he needs to wake up and realize life isn't about fun and yall have a family, there are things you can do to help...to incooperate more "fun" into the marriage and household. while yall are super busy, leaving your daughter with someone once a week and taking a night to go out and get drinks or hang out with other married couples might help him to just have something for him to turn to each week...to help him to feel like he is still his own person and not JUST a dad or JUST a working man.
im not saying by any means that this is your fault and you're not fun enough. please don't beat yourself up for this. he's just having a childish "moment" and there are going to be things that need to be rearranged to help him to fix this. while none of us are perfect and there are always things we can improve upon, this is HIS responsibility. so please don't dump this on yourself. it sounds to me like you've really examined your part of this. and from MY persepective i don't think you've done anything to cause this. but that doesn't mean you can't do things to help.
i agree with losingmymindinga...counseling for you will help because you will be able to unload your thoughts and feelings on someone else, because chances are he can't handle that right now. and you need to be able to vent and have your head clear to confront this problem each day. sometimes emotions can really overshadow how to fix a situation. its going to be important for you over the coming weeks to vent while yall try to work this out.
feel free to vent all you want on here, or message me or any of the other girls because you know we are here. i will try to give you what advice i can, but i can't always speak from experience.
you and your family are in my prayers!! hang in there for your babies :)
I'm so sorry that you're going through this!
I went through depression myself 2 years ago and I can tell you that it does mess with your sense of reality - what is right, what is fair....and while you're going through it, you really can't see any other point of view or feel anything other than your own emotions....at least I couldn't. While I suffered with health anxiety which is different, it took me finally realizing that it wasn't normal to feeling the way I was for me to seek help (which took the form of speaking to my doctor and being prescribed antidepressants and being referred to a therapist) for me to take any action. It wasn't until I actually started on the meds and began working through my problems that I realized just how much of an impact I'd had on DH and DS. Whether your husband eventually realizes the extent to which his actions have affected you and put your relationship and family at jeopardy or not, I think it's crucial that you take care of yourself, for you and your children, and that you seek counseling to be able to deal with the situation. Don't try to deal with this alone....that's my advice.
I went through depression myself 2 years ago and I can tell you that it does mess with your sense of reality - what is right, what is fair....and while you're going through it, you really can't see any other point of view or feel anything other than your own emotions....at least I couldn't. While I suffered with health anxiety which is different, it took me finally realizing that it wasn't normal to feeling the way I was for me to seek help (which took the form of speaking to my doctor and being prescribed antidepressants and being referred to a therapist) for me to take any action. It wasn't until I actually started on the meds and began working through my problems that I realized just how much of an impact I'd had on DH and DS. Whether your husband eventually realizes the extent to which his actions have affected you and put your relationship and family at jeopardy or not, I think it's crucial that you take care of yourself, for you and your children, and that you seek counseling to be able to deal with the situation. Don't try to deal with this alone....that's my advice.
Ashelen, I know I don't know you real well but my heart went out to you when I saw your post. The ladies here gave you some excellent advice. I know it helps to know you're not alone. This is more common than many people realize. It does sound like he's depressed and probably stressed about the finances, a new baby and taking care of his family. He may feel like a failure, like he can't properly take care of his family the way he'd like. Guys can think like that pretty easily because they feel it's up to them to take care of their families and if they feel they aren't able to very well it weighs heavily on them.
Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling? I think it's worth trying before anyone throws in the towel. JoyRenee is correct in that if you can't afford a counselor, pastors are trained in counseling too and could possibly help, although if his depression is severe enough he may need some medication, at least for awhile maybe to get over the hump.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Don't give up hope, though! There is always hope. God bless you and I will pray for you in this situation. *Hugs*
April
Do you think he'd be willing to go to counseling? I think it's worth trying before anyone throws in the towel. JoyRenee is correct in that if you can't afford a counselor, pastors are trained in counseling too and could possibly help, although if his depression is severe enough he may need some medication, at least for awhile maybe to get over the hump.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Don't give up hope, though! There is always hope. God bless you and I will pray for you in this situation. *Hugs*
April
That's a great point from LosingMyMindinGA. If you can't afford a counselor you can always see a pastor. They usually do not charge for counseling services especially if you're already a member of their church.
It may benefit BOTH of you, if YOU start gettting some counseling for yourself. Not becuase YOU are depressed but becuase you need help processing the emotions and figuring out where you stand and where to go from here. Seeing YOU taking that step may eventually help HIM to realize it's not such a bad thing and take the step himself.
I'm not sure quite what to say as I have not gone through this personally, but you are not alone and if you ever need to talk, I am here. You are a strong woman and I know you will get though this, no matter how hard it may seem right now.
OMG you are so not alone. DH and I went through this several years ago. The only problem was we were overseas and neither of us could leave so we fought constantly. IT was the exact same situation, he couldn't stand my b*tching, I always screwed up the finances (when he was the one taking out money and blowing it on slot machines), I never did ANYTHING right, the same crap with me wanting a break when he got home from work. Mind you he was in the military. He sat on his rump at a desk in a tool room looking at porn on a government computer all day while I was taking care of a house, a 7 yr old an infant and was pregnant again. But apparently his job was so stressful that HE deserved a break not me. I COMPLETELY understand.
I'm sure that like others have said, he's going to come to his senses and realize what an arse he's been. Granted he may not actually apologize, he may just come home like nothing ever happened. My DH used to do that crap. It sounds like yours needs some counseling. It took me YEARS to get my DH to a point where he realized he NEEDED the help or his family was gone for good. It took me leaving him, divorcing him, taking him back, him screwing up and me throwing him out on a moments notice AGAIN for him to get the help he needed.
I really, really hope it doesn't come to that for you. ATleast he is at his Mom's and not some place you don't know. Perhaps his mother will help him to "see the light". If he is depressed it his highly likely that he isn't cheating that he just doesn't know what to do. Everyone handles depression differently. My DH spends the h*ll outta money on lotto and stupid sh*t to make himself feel better, then he gets suicidal. But as I said everyone is different.
I know you don't want your kids growing up in a split home, etc. But you need to look at it this way. Would your kids be happier seeing Daddy happy a few times a week or seeing Mommy and Daddy at each others throats ALL the time? Sometimes time apart is what it takes, it also takes you putting your foot down and letting him where you draw the line.
You can always PM me if you want to.
I'm sure that like others have said, he's going to come to his senses and realize what an arse he's been. Granted he may not actually apologize, he may just come home like nothing ever happened. My DH used to do that crap. It sounds like yours needs some counseling. It took me YEARS to get my DH to a point where he realized he NEEDED the help or his family was gone for good. It took me leaving him, divorcing him, taking him back, him screwing up and me throwing him out on a moments notice AGAIN for him to get the help he needed.
I really, really hope it doesn't come to that for you. ATleast he is at his Mom's and not some place you don't know. Perhaps his mother will help him to "see the light". If he is depressed it his highly likely that he isn't cheating that he just doesn't know what to do. Everyone handles depression differently. My DH spends the h*ll outta money on lotto and stupid sh*t to make himself feel better, then he gets suicidal. But as I said everyone is different.
I know you don't want your kids growing up in a split home, etc. But you need to look at it this way. Would your kids be happier seeing Daddy happy a few times a week or seeing Mommy and Daddy at each others throats ALL the time? Sometimes time apart is what it takes, it also takes you putting your foot down and letting him where you draw the line.
You can always PM me if you want to.
You are not alone. My hubby is acting the same way - very distant, miserable and short. I am almost 25 weeks - I have two children from my previous marriage that love him like their daddy. I was at the point last night that I just did not know what do tod. He says that he has no fun anymore and he hates to come home.... he feels like he is in prison. I told him that if he had a girlfriend and they had dates maybe he would feel better - he told me to shut up. I am on pelvic rest, I feel broken because of it...I should be on bed rest - but refuse to do it.. I just take it easy... he thinks I am lazy. I am hoping things get better when I am less hormonal and bit*chy.... because I know my attitude adds fuel to the fire.
Last night there was about 5 things I wanted to jump down his throat for.. and I did not. I felt better that I had not provoked a fight and that I could see it was his depressed attitude that made things worse... For myself I think a break would help us... I wish you all the best... He will come home... don't worry.
Last night there was about 5 things I wanted to jump down his throat for.. and I did not. I felt better that I had not provoked a fight and that I could see it was his depressed attitude that made things worse... For myself I think a break would help us... I wish you all the best... He will come home... don't worry.
Well part of depression is putting up a wall between you and the people you love. Depressed people are not able to reason properly. To them putting the wall up not only protects them but they think it's going to protect the people they love (soooo not true).
When we were first married my husband would pretend to go to work just to be away from me, too. He finally admitted it to me a couple years ago. He would go to the park, to the bookstore, etc. all... day... long.
It does feel strange in this moment, wondering if it will ever be the same again. But I can tell you from experience that you can get up, pick up the broken pieces and move on. And most of the time it is better. Give him some time to come to his senses and perhaps he'll mention needing to find some help or to get some tests done for his depression. Quitting smoking might actually help. But the problem is getting that across to the person. If they don't want help and aren't willing they'll take all your suggestions as insults, not help.
When we were first married my husband would pretend to go to work just to be away from me, too. He finally admitted it to me a couple years ago. He would go to the park, to the bookstore, etc. all... day... long.
It does feel strange in this moment, wondering if it will ever be the same again. But I can tell you from experience that you can get up, pick up the broken pieces and move on. And most of the time it is better. Give him some time to come to his senses and perhaps he'll mention needing to find some help or to get some tests done for his depression. Quitting smoking might actually help. But the problem is getting that across to the person. If they don't want help and aren't willing they'll take all your suggestions as insults, not help.
thank you so much for your words and your support i cant tell you how nice it is to know someone's out there. i know he's depressed, but I didn't before tonight because he just...shut me out. i had NO idea he wasn't at work and at home he was acting exactly the same.
my baby girl just woke up and noticed daddy wasn't here (she was in bed with us) and started crying for him...i don't know how to do this by myself...even if he's only gone for a little while i feel broken like it'll never feel the same again. i know that's stupid but i just...how do i trust him to not just fade away???
my baby girl just woke up and noticed daddy wasn't here (she was in bed with us) and started crying for him...i don't know how to do this by myself...even if he's only gone for a little while i feel broken like it'll never feel the same again. i know that's stupid but i just...how do i trust him to not just fade away???
I've been in the same argument before. And no, you're not alone, even if it feels that way.
It does sound like he is depressed, severely. He needs some help and he has to be willing. My husband also acts like this when he gets severely depressed. And sometimes we really can and do get 'sick of' the people we live with. Times are rough right now. A break might help heal your hearts and draw you closer together.
I don't have a magic formula to make it all better but this situation doesn't mean the end of your relationship. It does sound like, at some point, everyone needs to sit down together and have a calm discussion about how to handle finances and divide up household responsibilities. It isn't fair for you to be the only one taking care of your daughter (and soon your son!).
*HUGS*
Hang in there sweetie pie!
It does sound like he is depressed, severely. He needs some help and he has to be willing. My husband also acts like this when he gets severely depressed. And sometimes we really can and do get 'sick of' the people we live with. Times are rough right now. A break might help heal your hearts and draw you closer together.
I don't have a magic formula to make it all better but this situation doesn't mean the end of your relationship. It does sound like, at some point, everyone needs to sit down together and have a calm discussion about how to handle finances and divide up household responsibilities. It isn't fair for you to be the only one taking care of your daughter (and soon your son!).
*HUGS*
Hang in there sweetie pie!
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