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need some advice:((

I need some advice:(( I recently found out I'm pregnant by my bf of 8 months. We have not had the best relationship by anymeans.my family is against me being with him bc of the abuse I was going through, but I feel as if I'm a big girl and I can make my own decision. He was physical with me a few times, slapping, pulling hair, squeezeing the back of my neck,and also put his hands around my neck. I no it wasn't right and he paid for it. He wants to change for this baby and I believe he can bc he really is a good guy. But I just don't no if I'm stuck on stupid or what. My family tjinks I am and continue to say they will call child protection if he is around me or my kids..Ive lost a lot of respect from my family and I understand why they are so against it...I guess I'm just asking for your opinions? Its hatd to take negativity from my family. Some one pls help :((
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377493 tn?1356502149
Your not nuts at all.  And there isn't anything wrong with you.

Your in love with man who has issues that have not a thing to do with you.  He means it when he says he loves you and won't hurt you anymore.  He really does.  But then something happens that triggers the anger, and he strikes out.  You just happen to be in the way.  Does that make sense at all?  This has been going on in his life long before you.  He does need help, but the help cannot come from you.  You cannot fix this. He has too, and it's a long road.  And as long as you are there, you will be the one he takes it out on.

I don't agree with how your family is handling it, but it is probably coming from fear.  They are scared and when afraid people often behave in ways they might not normally.

I'm not a Dr. or even a counselor.  But I do work with and help women like you every single day.  You should really talk to a professional about this.  I highly recommend you call the women's domestic abuse hotline as a starting point.  Even if he never ever lays a hand on your child, this is not what you want your child seeing.   It does impact them, and for a lifetime.  

Your not nuts.  Not even a little bit. You would be surprised at the number of intelligent, well educated women who seem to completely have their lives together who find themselves in abusive relationships.  So your not nuts, you just need to take steps to end it now.  
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Avatar universal
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I here it from my family all day that he's a piece if sh*t, worthless, I'm retarded for still wanting to be with him. It got so bad that my older sister and I don't even talk anymore bc of this situation.she doesnt want anything to do with me and wont let me be associated witg mu nephew :( I know deep down my family is looking out for me, but its so hard when they are so negative, and then I have him trying to grt help, his life together and staying positive thru the pregnancy. Is it just a game to him? Does he know what he is doing? I'm so confused bc I here so many different things a day that I'm so stressed. I've lost 30lbs in the last 2-3 months. And its not bc of nausea I am able to keep food down, ny hair is falling out, I have never been this pale and skinny in my life. I really do need to talk to someone, bc I can't br like this when carrying a precious life. Its such a mess, but I just don't get why I want to work this out with him and be together?...I must be a nut..but all I know is I my whole time knowing relationships have been against abuse! Why am I not tjinking outside of the box..
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377493 tn?1356502149
I work for an agency that deals with all aspects of people living in poverty, homelessness and fleeing domestic violence.  I'm going to tell you that yes, in some cases these guys do change.  That is if they can acknowledge that they have a problem and are willing to get help (professionally).  And even then, it takes time.  Lots of time.  He has an issue with anger.  It's not your fault, you didn't cause it, and it is nothing to do with you at all.  You are simply the outlet.  Statistically the average is that women will go back to their abuser 11 times before leaving forever.  And typically things will just escalate.  

I have no doubt he is a good guy.  But he has a problem, and it is one that you cannot solve or love him out of.  It is something he must deal with on his own.

You are now tied to him for a good many years to come.  This does not mean you have to live with him.  It sounds to me like your family loves you, even though their method may seem harsh.  They are scared.  Please, get out now.  Protect yourself and your child to be.  Love yourself and that baby more then you love him, and know that you are deserving of someone who will love you and respect you, which means never laying a hand on you.  I am often asked how many times is too many times.  The answer is once.   I urge you to seek professional counseling and to know that your family honestly has your best interests at heart.  Please believe me, these situations almost never end well as much as I know you would like it to.  Take care and all the best to you.
Helpful - 0
1181036 tn?1367368640
In multiple psychology and sociology courses I've taken it has been proven that children who grow up in abusive homes (meaning the father is abusive to the mom or the kids or both) grow up to be abusive and tend to make bad relationship decisions.

If someone loves you, they would not hurt you. You need to get out of that relationship while he gets counseling. If your boyfriend is able to get control of his anger and abuse, then let him back in to your life. It's encouraging that you are asking for advice and realize you are in an abusive relationship, the next step is to actually follow this advice and stop denying the fact that it is unhealthy to be with this guy. Best of luck and congratulations on the baby.
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1194973 tn?1385503904
I agree with your family as well. If he was a good guy he would have treated you with respect from the very beginning. What if he started to abuse your child? He's shown that he has no qualms about it, and children are extremely stressful. Maybe the baby wouldn't stop crying, and his temper just went too far. I grew up abused by my ex-step father for 15 years, along with my sister. My mother never dreamed he would hurt us, but he had been abusive to her as well. Never take that chance. Your child and your health are more important.
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Avatar universal
I agree, leave him for now & let him prove he can change. No "good guy" would put his hands on you.
Helpful - 0
694164 tn?1333145988
Hello,

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
I'm sorry to say I agree with your family-Im not saying your boyfriend doesnt deserve a chance but that chance has to be away from you & your baby. He needs to get himself sorted & he wont do that around you especially when the baby is born as trust me it puts strain on the best of relationships-its hard work!
You may love him & him you but the best thing you can do is leave him FOR NOW & let him sort out his demons.

No one should be treated the way you have-do you really want to bring your baby into a volatile relationship.

If he really loves you he will do this.

Just explain to your family you understand where they are coming from but you are a grown up & need to make your own decisions. Keep them involved with the baby & lt them know you will do the best for your child.

I really hope this works out well for you-look after yourself x
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