regretting an abortion??? what help is available?

[mjml]

I'm a young student who suffers from PCO (Polycystic Overies - which is cysts on my overies that stop me ovulating) and in a secure long term relationship and after a month of debatting our circumstances I went for an abortion at 11 weeks 5days (last week with my mum at my side as support) I really didn't know what I wanted to do up until the last mintue in my head due to thought of 'will I ever have children after this one?' but in my heart I know the time isn't right.

However I miss my baby (which we named sky neither boy or girl name so we can remember the baby and talk to them) so much and I kept telling my belly until I was put under I loved it.

I have suffered from mild depression before after losing my grandparents about five years ago and now I keep thinking am I regretting having the abortion? and I am now scared I'm failing back into a depression state.

I keep a brave face for my partner cause I know he is hurting too and doesnt want me to blame him for our situation; which I dont! I just can't bring myself to admit how i really feel to him in case he hates me for going through with it when I was unsure. I love him for everything he does and who he is and could never blame him for this, after all I went through with it without him by my side.

I had this abortion and it's that word that makes me cry everytime i hear or think it.

I still find myself holding my belly and putting hotwater bottles on my belly and feeling pregnant and I know i'm not and it makes me sad!

Please help... I dont know what to do..... Am I regretting my abortion? Am I depressed? And if so... what can I do to help myself from feeling this way? Is this just my hormornes coming back to normal?

I do know that if I am ever pregnant again, (which we have agreed to spend this year saving for our own place and future together) I am keeping it and my partner agrees xx

I understand everyone has their view but please no godswad speechs, I am going to hell, this is hard enough for me and my partner to deal with without that. I believe everything happens for a reason, I just want help to deal with it from help from outsiders. Thankyou xxx

[JoyRenee]

You will have good days and bad days. Grieving can take time and there are many stages of grief. Disbelief, anger, sadness... it's all normal. My only advice is to allow yourself to FEEL whatever emotion you are in at the time.

And I agree with mandy38. Perhaps your partner is worried that you are subconsciously blaming him. Maybe he, himself, feels guilt and regret. The best thing to do is find support. Good luck!

[mjml]

thankyou for all your advise and support, I decided with my partner to go back to marie stopes and have a conselling session later on this week, i'm scared of it, but my partner has agreed to come with me so I feel better about talking to someone else with him. I don't think this will break us up we both feel this has made us stronger and closer we understand each other more now on a deeper level. My closest male friend is about to become a dad with my other friend and they've asked me to help them through it cause they are struggling  and they have been so supportive this past week to me,

I'm having my good days and bad nights but slowly i'm finding i am getting to acceptance point. The only thing other then depression worrying me now is getting back into sexual mood with him, i'm scared i'm going to damage something or get infections (I cant use condoms as alergy to latex) any suggestions? x

[martikadragoon]

I gotta say, I'm sure your guy feels bad and can see it simply because my DH"s closest male friend at work, who's dated alot of girls got one of them pregnant, she works there too. Well, they both agreed to have an abortion. He regrets it now some, esp. because of everything going on with carlos and I. their baby would've been born around now....

Just stick with eachother, dont let the pain of this break you up. You can get thru it and go on to have another baby when your ready to. I say stressful situations do 1 of 2 things to a couple, it makes or breaks you.... you can't let it break you.

[ArmyPrincess819]

I'm not sure if you go to church but maybe that would help or joining a support group where you don't have to talk face to face you can listen and meet other girls in your position. I really think that you should try to overcome your inability to speak face to face and get some one on one therapy. You are grieving and m/c and abortion grief are similiar but the pain is so very different. Your regrets will haunt you until you find closure and inner peace. It's all so new for you. There is no time line on when that happens it just does. It's a very brutal and painful time. My suggestion is to lay low and stay out of stressful situations including bar rooms. Deal with your pain don't add to your stress. I'm starting to sound like your mother I'm sure. My heart just bleeds for you and I want you to have a nice life so that you may go on and lead a happy one. If you need to talk I'm here. I wish you the best. Please put yourself first make sure to make a follow up app with your dr and think about getting some help!!!!
Hugs,
AP

[Lucey12]

You can only get an abortion up to a certain point, so although I wouldn't have done the same thing, you did what was right. You were unsure and to be unsure and need to make a decision FAST, you did the right thing. There will be a time again when it will be the right time and you will have a beautiful family. Till then, use protection if a baby is not suitable at the time for you and your partner.

Chip-up sweetie.

[njrohe]

I should mention that Hope Women's Centers also has abortion recovery programs for men.

[Mumita]

I don't think that you may be unconsciously blaming your partner for this, I think that he feels like that because he sees you in so much pain and feels like he is the cause of your pain.
Don't worry, every day is a better day, just keep talking to him, maybe you can plan for the future when you will both be ready and have healed from this.
Best!!

[njrohe]

Look into Hope Women's Centers to see if there is one in your area.  They specialize in abortion recovery.  

[mjml]

Latrice I'm 22 at the moment soon to be 23. I dealt with my grandparents death on my own as i had to be a support to everyone else it took about 3years in total to get over it all! I like how I am dealing with it on this site being able to talk to anyone anytime without judgement as most of you have been through similar thing. I feel better every time i read someones encouraging post or knowing I am not alone! I havent heard of Zoloft but will look into it, the worst i've taken is herbal Kalms for depression.

Thankyou for your prays i appreciate that.
I wish your baby full health and a safe pregnancy good luck to you let me know how you get on x

[mandy38]

was it a mutual decision, or do you feel it was more one sided?  If so, then you will blame others, even if it's not intended.  You need to explain to your boyfriend exactly what you are feeling and try to get through this together.  No-one should ever feel forced into making these decisions, because ultimately you will feel it the most because you were carrying the baby.  There is counselling available for this and I think you need it to come to terms with what has happened and how best you can get through... !

[Latrice414]

How did you handle the depression of your grandparents,

When you get an abortion, most places do an extensive process, some dont even do it on the same day bcuz they give all the info and counsling on one day and have you come back the next or 2 days later. I think its to give a person time to think about what they are going to do.  You can go to the same place were you got the services from and talk to someone, thats why im not understanding how you are saying you cant talk to no one and you had to talk to someone b4 having the procedures, those people in the office are there to councle.

Ive mentioned this b4 when women stated about abortion, its an individual decision and only one person will judge you when its time to met your maker(for what ever relgion on believes in)  I had 2 abortions in 1996 (I had just had a son in 1995 i was 19yrs old)by the same guy, 6 months apart, the first one i wanted to get, the second one i didnt but my partner did not want a child, but the first one he did not want me to get. I greived, i was said and i had a very strong support system to help me threw what i was going threw.

I prayed to god, repented and asked for forgivness. I said i would never in my life due that again,

I didnt think about those abortions until i got preggo in may and had a missed m/c in june, how i wanted something so bad and it was taken from me, the same way a blessing was given to me and i took it away, it was hard dealing with that and i had to realize i asked for forgiveness and that god will bless me with a healthy baby, and now i am 5weeks 2 days.

Sometimes short term medical thearpy is ok, i suffered depression after the m/c and took zoloft and i felt better.

For you just talking to us shows that you can talk to someone you dont no, if you can handle the depression on your own or have a good support system thats good, but if it becomes worse i would seek medical attention. You have to keep in mind you dont have to be a "counslor" to counsel people. Doctors and Nurses have that responsibilty also.

Ive been a nurse for 10 years, and i had to counsel many people for many different reasons,
May i ask how old are you?

I will keep you in my prayers, and there are many good women on this forum that are very supportive.

[babyscience]

I really feel for you because it sounds like you loved your baby alot.  There are many people that have abortions that have no attachment for that child, and no want of it which makes it alot easier.  There was a girl I knew in highschool that had an abortion because of her parents, I believe she was further along...maybe 4 months.  She truly loved her baby too, but was only 15 and knew she couldnt do it with out her parents support.  She always regetted it, but I think she has a few kids now. So there is life after abortion.  
You know in your heart that the timing was not right for you, and I am sure you made a clear-headed decision.  Have faith in that decision, because if you keep looking back on it I am sure you will doubt yourself or think of ways that maybe you could have made it work out.  Maybe you can talk to your Mom about it since she was there with you.  She can help back your decision on it and feel more comfortable on why you chose it.
When the timing is right and when your life is in order, I am sure you will be able to get pregnant again.  Have faith in that.  Just try to relax as much as you can and clear yourself of stress for the next few months.

[mjml]

So i decided to venture out on my first night out with my partner just for a few quiet sober drinks with friends tonight and some drunken fight broke out in the bar and I found myself having to run to the car to get away from the brawl which ended up on the street!

I drove off while my partner made sure our friends where ok and I only managed it round the corner where I had to stop through my legs shaking so much! I started talking to my stomach making sure my baby was ok, I went into mode I thought I was still pregnant and I believed this until I went to the toliet and realised I was still bleeding and came back down to earth with a bang.

I spoke to my partner once we got home and he told me he feels like I blame him for the abortion sometimes, I don't mean to and don't think I do?! could I be blaming him without knowing?

After tonight I want my baby back so much and regretting what I thought was a good decision and I am so scared of blaming my partner more subconsciencly and thinking when I go out I'll start believing I'm still pregnant and be depressed when I realise I'm not.

I can't see a councellor because I can't talk face to face with someone I don't know, never been able to and never will.

What can I do? x

[mjml]

Thankyou so much for all your comments and just from reading them i feel so much better knowing I am not alone. Thankyou for those sites above I will look at them on the days that are no doubt going to be worse for me. I already know I am going to feel low on the due dute and anniversary dates etc and all I can do is prepare myself.

Thankyou Mumita for the advise on talking to my partner, after writing this I am going to go talk to him about it because the last thing I want to do is fail my relationship with him because of the loss I feel.

Please keep commenting because all your advise is more then welcome and helping me through.

Thankyou again and I am so sorry for all your losses and Friends losses xxx

[Mumita]

There are many people that have gotten abortions and unfortunately they don't talk about it because they know other people would condemn them when it may have been the best decision they have made at the time.
My brother's gf had an abortion and it was very hard on her and very hard on my brother.  They broke up soon after, they hadn't been together very long. Its been over 12 years and my brother still feels sorry for it but its the best decision that they could have made at the time and he doesn't regret the decision he just wonders what the baby would have been like...He still wants to have a troop of kids but he wants to plan and wait for the right time to have them with his current gf.
It will get better, its very recent.  Just word of advice, in all relationships you should both be able to communicate to one another what you feel, what your worries and what your hopes are, when you fail to communicate then you fail in your relationship.  Just tell him how you feel, he may be feeling the same way and you can then both move on and continue planing for the future.

[alaysha]

Grieving is natural and the emotions as of right now may feel a little more intense since they are so new and you do still probably still have a little bit of wacked out hormones since it can take weeks for HCG to leave your system. I suffered from an unplanned pregnancy and then ended with a miscarriage and it was amazing how much something I hadn't even really wanted in the first place hurt to loose. I cannot even think of something more physically or emotionally exhausting then loosing something like that. Regret I also think is part of the normal grieving process. I have a friend who had an abortion about a year and a half ago. She did it too for what she believed were all the right reasons and to this day (although I guess it hasn't been that long) still beats herself up about it on a regular basis. She also goes into a slight depression whenever her due date or the date of the abortion come around. ***HUGS*** you will get through this and I do have faith that in the future you will be able to get pregnant again. Hang in there.

[ArmyPrincess819]

It's not up for me to judge. I think the best thing is to seek some professional help. Counseling or maybe even a support group. We all make what we think are the best decisons at the time we are faced with hardships. If you follow up with your dr he or she will make sure your body is fine and they will give you the green light to someday have children. Abortion can put a strain on a relationship in the same way a miscarriage can. Two different losses but there is grief involved. My dh and I seperated for a week after our last m/c in sept. WE are now in marital counseling dealing with the pain of our loss yet we have not begun to talk about it yet in therapy. We focus more on better ways of communicating when upset with each other etc. Bottom line you did what you thought was right and nobody can judge you for that. I wish you the best and quick and healthy recovery......I do want you to know that this is a pregnancy forum so you may get some comments that are not to happy. Some women on here are waiting desperately to have a child. Just take things with a grain of salt. Best wishes to you....
AP

[JoyRenee]

Okay Project Rachel is only located in the US (you can still email them or speak with someone). I also found this located in the UK: http://www.samaritans.org/. You can speak with someone about how you're feeling there as well!

[smileluvr]

It is ok to be upset. I know someone that had an abortion 5 years ago and still gets down on herself for it. There are usually counselors (sp) out there that offer free services for this kind of heartache. Just talking about it is part of the cleansing process. We are here to listen.

[JoyRenee]

As others have said, it is very natural to grieve the loss of someone. Allow yourself to grieve and feel the emotions. I miscarried 8 weeks ago, not by choice, and it tears me up inside. I can only imagine the horror you are feeling for what you've been through. *HUGS*

I know there is support at http://www.hopeafterabortion.com/. This is an organization called Project Rachel. Some cities even have a Project Rachel building where you can go and speak with someone. There might also be a hotline number you can call. Check the website out.

Good luck to you.

[alwshopeful]

I agree, I think it's just natural to go through some form of grieving process when this happens.  It is natural to have some form of depression with a traumatic event that you had gone through, I can only imagine!  I would also try some therapy sessions to just talk about it.  Not saying you need counseling, but talking to someone who is willing to listen is the best way to get it off your chest.  They're not going to judge you or give you any of those "speeches" either.

Hang in there though, you'll pull through!!

[sweetangel7]

What a tough situation...I'm sure it is only natural to go through a grieving process.  Perhaps you should try a few counseling sessions to talk with someone about the whole ordeal.  I'm a big believer in counseling and therapy!

Hang in there!

[Darkestlight]

Of course you are regretting your abortion. It's very common. I have a friend who had a abortion for really all the wrong reasons, but i guess they were right for her. I believe she regrets it however she doesnt seem  to talk about it much. A year later shes pregnant again. You can get pregnant again when u are ready.