I am five weeks pregnant, feeling very afraid and confused. Although I have a great support system of family and friends, I could really use an outside perspective –especially from someone who has been in/or is currently in a similar situation. Any advice, or opinions would be greatly appreciated.
Since discovering I was pregnant (17 days ago), I have been going through a million emotions and my mind is racing all day long about what if’s. Initially I was terrified about being pregnant because I had drank heavily. Not just occasionally but on a nightly basis. After my OBGYN visit and reviewing the ultrasound, the doctor determined I was 4 weeks, 2 weeks from conception so the baby should not be affected (low risk) by my alcohol consumption so long as I stopped now. (That really confuses me as to how far along I really am, if anyone can explain that. Am I 2 weeks or 4 weeks? I do not remember when my last menstrual cycle was). I have since stopped drinking and have been eating healthy.
I have always wanted kids but didn’t plan on having them until I was at least 30 (my BF and I are both in our mid-twenties), in a committed long-term relationship, and had a successful career. I graduated college with a bachelor’s degree, but have been out of school and work for over a year, and am currently unemployed. This is obviously a huge concern. I know I can get a job that will pay the bills, but I’m worried that being out of work and the time I will take off once the baby is born will affect my chances of getting a great job in my field. My boyfriend is employed with a low-average income (for our age), but still has several years of school until he receives his degree. Even then, he will not be making very much money (similar to a teacher’s salary). We have a great support system of family and friends, which is super helpful. But I’m afraid we will always be struggling to make ends meet. I was blessed to grow up in a middle class home, with nice things, and yearly vacations; so this is a scary thought for me. I want my child and family to have nice things, and be able to travel and experience the world. Although the city and state I live in is very nice and friendly, I have lived here my entire life and have always dreamt of living elsewhere near the ocean. This is an extremely hard dream for me to give up, and I think is unrealistic to think it may happen in the future, because our income.
Another huge concern is my relationship the baby’s father. My boyfriend and I have been friends since college but have only been a couple for five months. He is absolutely great, and thrilled about having a baby. If he could have planned it out he would have waited a few years but now that I’m pregnant he has been nothing but positive and excited. He does not believe in abortion so he has not considered that as an option (although I have). He also said he does not think he could be with me if I had an abortion because he wouldn’t be able to look at me the same. But he has really been like something you see in a movie through all of this. Since finding out he has been looking for a second job, applied to summer school and figuring out how he can get his degree, looking for a house to rent so that we can move in together, and being extremely attentive to my needs, asking if I need anything, how I feel –even giving me back rubs every night. I should be ecstatic, and even though I whole heartedly appreciate everything he is doing, I am starting to doubt our relationship. I love him, but now that I have the pressure and a million questions: is he the one? Do I really think he will be there for me and the baby? What if he leaves me? Etc. I am even questioning my attraction to him. I don’t know how much of this is hormones or if I was just going with the flow in a new relationship and now the pressure of all these life changing decisions im realizing I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to force a relationship if it’s not there and bringing a baby into that is the worst decision. He treats me great, he has my best interest, he pushes me to be the best I can be, he makes me laugh like no one else, but sometimes I’m not attracted to him physically… how important is that? Am I just being shallow? It’s hard for me to picture my life with him in the future like I did with my ex’s. But I have always bee in long relationships, this one is actually my shortest. I’m afraid of staying together for the sake of our child, and resenting him.
I’m also concerned with how this will affect our lifestyle. We are people who like to go out with friends, have parties, and spend the summer at the lake on the boat. None of our close friend have children. I can’t help but be selfish and think about all the things we will be missing out on. I also hate to ask my boyfriend not to go out or to the lake, but I know I wont be able to.
With all of these concerns, I cannot make my mind up on whether I should have this baby or have an abortion. One second I am 100% confident that I want to have this baby and 20 minutes later I believe abortion is the best option, and this has been going on everyday all day since I found out. Are these normal thoughts? I feel guilty for not being so excited and so in love with the idea of having a baby. But is that because I’m programmed to think that’s how I’m supposed to feel? Or do I keep trying to convince myself this is not the right decision because it just simply is not the right decision and I should have an abortion?
Sorry that was so long and full of rambling, my mind is all over the place right now. If you read that entire post, thank you and I would really appreciate your input.
Your hormones are taking over. And I can completely relate about the boyfriend thing; he treats me amazingly, and I love him, but sometimes I'm just not physically attracted to him, and in the case I do get pregnant, I know he'd propose and have us married cuz that's how he is and I don't want him doing that because that's not how I want it. And don't get an abortion, that's a terrible decision, and you'll have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life, every time you see a child, you'll think of the one you could've had. So, just go through with it. I know it seems tough and emotionally unstable, but it gets better. But I'm blankly comforting you because I'm not a mother...I'm really just a bored 17 year old who might've gotten pregnant. And also happens to be a bit intuitive. Haha, sorry for wasting your time if you feel that way.
I am so sorry you are feeling so conflicted. It seems like you are really taking the time to give serious thought to this. It shows great maturity.
So now to your concerns. You are very right to be worried about money and your career. Babies are very, very expensive and it only gets harder as they get older. You may find that having to take time away from your career will have a great opportunity cost. Childcare is expensive, for my family it makes more financial sense for me to stay home because my wages would only cover child care and my gas to and from work. I would say look at your resources, are there family members you can live with for little to no rent? People who will offer free child care? That would go a long way towards making this do able.
Your lifestyle is going to change. ..A lot. Your party friends will find it hard to relate to you and you'll struggle to relate to them. This can be very difficult.'mom friends' are a very different crowd. You are going to be hard pressed for free time for the next 5 years, this can be isolating. You need to be ready and OK with that. If you're not it can cause problems. Children are very rewarding but even though I planned mine and went into it with eyes open, I still miss my old life and friends sometimes.
As for your relationship, really REALLY evaluate it. Are you compatible? Do you have the same beliefs, goals, outlook? Do you have similar spending habits? Do you have blow up fights or do you calmly discuss things? Do you have similar ideas on parenting and family life? Is he reliable, supportive? It worries me you're not sure about a future together, it could be hormones talking, so take some time and think about it. Babies are STRESSFUL. You really need a partner you gel with for your own sanity and for your child's sake.
Good news is you have options! You can decide to raise the baby, get support from friends and family and bust your but to create a wonderful life for your child.
But maybe you decide now is not the right time for a child. You can always be some couple's angel and give your baby up for adoption. You can even go talk to an adoption councilor with making any commitments. This might help you decide.
But maybe you decide you are not ready to be pregnant. Abortion is a safe, legal procedure that carries less risk than giving birth. 1 in 3 American women have an abortion in their lives and though a small amount feel regret or sadness, most feel it was the best decision for them.
Whatever you decide, please let it be a decision you are comfortable with. You are the only one who has to carry the baby. If dad decides to bail you might end up a single parent. Do what you feel is right and you will make the best decision.
I am 21, i dont like drinking , been around it too much in my life, but as for the way you are thinking about your boyfriend you need to stop. If he makes you laugh like no one else can and he treats you good then you need to realize wht you have. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, got pregnant in the first month. But had a miscarriage 7/12/12. Got pregnant again october 2012. When i was pregnant i was concerned about EVERYTHING. is the baby okay? Will he stay? Will he be a good father? Well the concerns for the baby are reasonable. But your guy is there for you so you shouldnt worry about that. I believe like my boyfriend he will do his best to give his child what it needs. We are poor. I have only ever been on two vacations so idk where your coming from, but right now i feel like if my daughter has everything SHE needs, then we are doing just fine. She comes before anything. I want to give her everything, but its just not going to happen for us. We didnt go to college, we dont have jobs, but we do what we can for our child and you are way better off then we are. But good luck. (: and congradulations.
Thank you all so very much for taking the time to hear my thoughts and share your own. It has been extremely helpful and means more than you'll ever know. You all have some good Karma coming your way for sure :)
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