"Help" for Twin Moms-to-be

[rodeobaby]

I'm 34 1/2 weeks pregnant with twins so our big day is fast approaching (OB doubts I will make it to 38 weeks). I am finalizing all the details (car packed, stem cell collection kit in hand, classes completed, cabinets organized, etc) as I have continuing contractions 5 minutes apart for weeks (only dilated 1 cm though). So here it is... my very sweet, (very passive) mother-in-law who has been planning to come stay with us all along to provide help in the first month just let it slip that she was thinking of returning to her home in mid February. Ladies, do the math... THAT'S 3 MONTHS!!!! I only get 2 months off for my maternity leave. I am a first time mom and am quite sure I am in for it... I'm totally clueless about infant care so I know I can use the help, especially with twins. But I am looking for some support out there that this is entirely too long and even though it will be nuts, won't I want some time to be alone with my sons to bond?! To have my house back and try to maintain some routine and order (ha ha). To watch the TV programs that I choose and ban game shows, or better yet... turn the stupid box OFF? Any thoughts? Anyone in the same boat? It's so much harder when family lives across the country. It's lovely that she wants to be involved and I am sure I crushed her when I said (as calmly as I was able), "Three months is an awfully long time...", but this sin't about her, right? Anyone think I'm gonna eat my words and want her to stay for the entire 4th trimester? :)

[rodeobaby]

Yes, that's it EXACTLY. Still not a perfect scenario but better. Funny choice for my MIL to wait to come "help" rather than come at first when I can't lift them due to c-section. But for goodness sake I will not rock the boat anymore than I already have! I think she is coming to spend time with the twins and "do the holidays" more so than to help me with the recovery to be honest. Won't be much happening here for the holidays, but I will let her find out the hard way I guess. And that's better because it will allow my own mother a place to step up, and I am definitely more comfortable with her with regard to my c-section wound, breastfeeding, etc so I think it will be fine. Thanks for all the support ladies.
PS- I'll bet when my MIL sees how much plane tickets run "right after Thanksgiving and leave after Christmas" that she may re-evalaute her timing all over again!

[happynifer]

not having twins, but having my first.
my parents are coming to stay with us as long as we want them to and i can't wait for the help.
i'm thinking 3-4 weeks would be very helpful but not too long...but we shall see. they live in florida and we are in the DC area, so it'll be the only help we get from them unfortunately.
i don't have inlaws as they were both deceased before i met my dh, so that makes it a bit easier for me.

[jennlaurin80]

Rodeobaby---wow ....just thinking about your situation makes me stressed out ! I have great inlaws and love them very much. But that is just over staying your welcome in. Its super nice to offer help...but for any longer than 10 days in my book is just far far too long ! I would want to be comfy...not wear a bra if i dont want to. Sit around in my comfy clothes all day, bond with my new family, not feel like you have to entertain etc.
My mom plans to come stay with us for a few weeks to help out with the twins when they get here....she only lives 40 minutes away though, and its much different when its your own mother. I plan to have a c-section in November and my husband can not take paid time off of work, and i will not be getting paid time off for maternity leave. So i am very happy my mom is coming to help. BUT----i would not feel comfy having my MIL come to stay for a long period of time. My inlaws live about 3 hours away, so im sure they will come when the boys arrive...but i think they only plan to stay the weekend.

[rodeobaby]

Happy and relieved to report that MIL opted to change her plans on her own. She'll let us settle in for a few weeks and then visit / help for month. So we will be good a ready for some relief by the time she is here. Yeah!

[rodeobaby]

Well thanks for validating some of my concerns. She's so sweet and I know she would help with infant stuff as she is able, but I am thinking (hoping) that after a month I will be "ready" to test the waters a little with our immediate family on our own, start to work on our routine (for what that's worth) and get a little one-on-one time with the babies. Even if I'm not "ready", I think it will be time for have confidence and prove to myself that I am able. I am 35 years old, not 19. I do not plan on doing this again. I didn't work so hard to become a mother just to give away all those experiences (including sleep deprivation).

Also, MIL and rest of husband's family are planning a visit in February. I think maybe she was trying to save on a plane ticket... or she is afraid to fly alone (which is also true). This is already a really emotionally loaded issue for me. My husband is supportive, he is just afraid to hurt her feelings I think, so he is putting off talking with her. Of course I don't want to hurt her either, but I know this will drive me nuts and I will be at my worst then and I am bound to loose it or resent her... and I do not want any of that. I am bummed to be put in this position to be honest. All along she has said one month (which I am SO grateful for). Then she says, "Well I've been thinking about returning in February for a while, but it just didn't come up in conversation".

[brigadiva]

Personally (and I have no experience on the twin aspect of this, nor in-laws staying three months.  This baby will be my third child) I must say that I would absolutely go crazy.  I am a very independent person, and that would push me over the edge.  My in-laws are planning to visit and my DH and I have discussed that we want it to be after the baby is a month old so we have time to adjust to everything ourselves and enjoy bonding first, and that the visit would only be for about one week.  

I am sure if I were having twins I might feel differently, I do appreciate how much harder that will be.  But I know for myself, I could not go that long lol.  I got separated while pg with my 2nd, and ex-hb was not involved for most of the first year.  My mom moved-in with me and my (then) two children but was more like a roommate situation to help with finances than anything else (very helpful to have her split bills and pay rent on her room, but she was not very helpful with the baby.)  

So, it is really up to you and your hubby to decide if this is too long for you.  I personally do not agree with the asking her to go after she gets there, but would rather establish everything beforehand so as to not hurt feelings or create an even more awkward situation.  If your mom is so nearby, I can see that three months might seem too long.  So, talk it over with your hubby and remember that you could always initially ask her to stay a shorter time, and then extend it if you want (that way it would make her happy, rather than her getting there expecting to stay three months and being hurt that she is asked to leave).  Just my opinion.  Good luck!

[connorethansmom]

Not a twin mom.  I have a 2 year old, 4 year old and am 33 weeks.  I would agree 3 months is a lot!  The first month is a given I think depending upon what happens with the twins, their hospital stay, gettting you some relief at night, etc.  This all assumes she WILL help.  My experience is they don't.  They say yes, but it doesn't work.  My mom came (across the country) and stayed with my DS when DD was born. She went home the day we came home - perfect!  My in laws came at 2 weeks with both of them and they are similar your MIL - they can't help themselves for anything.  They won't get a drink of water for themselves, pick up the vacuum, do the dishes, etc.  All the things I need help with.  I can handle a newborn, its everything else I  would have expected them to do.  They wanted to hold the baby or do "vacation" activities - ummm just had a baby here?  So this time we can't agree on what their part should be - I have made my needs known and they have said they can't do that so they are going to wait until things settle down and I can do the house, kids and take care of them (they may be waiting a long time!).   I guess what I'm saying is - work out your expectations ahead of time and make sure she agrees to what you need/want.  There is so much emotion with a new baby that it will be hard to work it out then.  

[rodeobaby]

Did I mention that my mother already lives next door, and my mother-in-law requires quite a bit of care herself as she is unable to lift much do to a recent shoulder replacement, doesn't drive at high speeds (therefore can't drive to the grocery store because our property fronts a 70 MPH highway) and has trouble with stairs (our guest room is on the second floor). I am worried that I may become overwhelmed with helping our help.

[Caralea]

I dont have twins on the way only a singleton, but I do have 2 toddlers (both 3+yrs old- my husband has a daughter and I have a son from past relationships) grandted they are not actual twins... they sure take up a lot of time and patients.

My mother currently lives with us and has been since APRIL!! My husband and I very much at times are ready to pull our hair out- but try to keep calm with the fact that she has been taking care of our kids, helping with meals, bed times, etc at no cost. It is very tough to have a family member with you for long periods of time- but also know what your limits are.

If it werent for her taking care of the kids, I would be paying have my monthly income on day care and I wouldnt get some days to sleep in till noon (considering I work till midnight M-Th). It isnt easy and 3 months seems like a long time, but just be thankful for the help and know she has a home to go back to. Mine doesnt =( so for now she stays with us.

Good luck on raising your twins and recovery!!

[Waitingforgoodnews]

We are first time twin parents too.  My mom lives close but offered to stay with us at night and help get us into a routine.  I am taking all the help I can get!!!!  If you decide 2 months into it that you need your own space, you can find a way to ask her to go home and let you be...but if you really need her, you have her there.  I don't know what to expect, and I don't know what I don't know...so any time someone offers us help, I am taking them up on it....I can always go back later and say thanks, but I think we are doing ok.....

Just another way to handle it...it's like an insurance plan  :)