The in-laws dun dun duuuun!

[HackneyMummy]

I suffer with a very difficult and intense mother in-law. With our first, she wanted to be VERY involved. The first thing she said when we told her was 'yay I hope it does come out too white so I can pretend it's mine...'(I'm white, husband is black) then she undermined every decision I made regarding the pregnancy and baby. After the baby was born she and her partner who are both lawyers threatened to get custody of our daughter! They made me feel very afraid and I hid my postnatal depression for fear of having it used against me. It was a dark time but we got through it, though the relationship between us and them is super strained. They hardly ever see us or their granddaughter because even though they only live 45 minutes away they don't communicate with us or express any interest in seeing her. We don't particularly mind this as we'd rather not force a relationship where there is a lot of tension and bad feelings.

Fast forward to now, we are 20 weeks pregnant with our second and made the pregnancy announcement at 12 weeks after the first scan. The mother in-law was the only one told in person as she has a tendency to feel very left out and we thought that considering past experience we would make sure she felt involved so it didn't seem like we were excluding her. Every other family member and friend expressed happiness or a congratulations at the very least...

Buuut... the mother in-law just raised her eye brows and asked if it were true, we showed her the scan picture and she just started talking about her new house... she even took us there and started showing off about it. We didn't really know what to say as it seems an odd reaction... no congratulations or anything and she hasn't been in contact since.

My question is: what do we do next? If she does not acknowledge this pregnancy at all do we go out of our way to introduce her to her grandchild? Or just cut our losses. She is very intent on being the focus of all attention but I don't want that this time. This will be our last baby and I'd like to try and enjoy it a bit this time. The first four months were hell last time and I don't want to put loads of energy into running around after her to see is SHE is alright. I just want to focus on our new family :(

[Lindsaybinz]

First off, I'm terribly sorry that you have to even deal with this situation in the first place. I would say to stop going out of your way to appease her. She is a grown , intelligent woman if she can't be happy for the two of you then it is what it is.  You will never "win" and she is not going to change her ways.  I would see how she handles the next steps.

[Rivkah20]

She sounds awfully like my more there. Ill be honest, even tho people will say to try and patch up the relationship as much as you can, I say cut your loses. Inform her now and then of things happening but other then that keep your distance. Its your baby, your body, and she has no say in anything as much as she says otherwise. I'm pregnant with my second as well and this is what I had to do with my mother. She absolutely worked her hardest to b tear my husband and I apart, still is trying to take my son, and just overall makes life all about her. All it was was stress for me all the time. So much stress that i miscarried our first time trying for a second. You don't need that stress. Throw the details out there so she knows but don't go out of your way to keep her involved. She's a very toxic person from the sound of it.

[mombojombo]

Gosh, I'm a big fan of people getting along with the in laws.  I think having as peaceful a family as possible is important even if you have to eat crowe from time to time or shove down feelings of irritation.  However, this is different.  She threatened to take custody of your child.  If you aren't a bad mom or doing something harmful, that makes her a bit dangerous.  After that, I'd keep her at arms length.  I hate to say that-----  but in most legal situations, when you are threatened by another party, they say to have no further contact.  She threatened you and your family.  Now, she's your man's mom so you can't totally cut her out---  but I would limit involvement or emotion.  I would not jump through hoops to please her.  And I'd document everything on your own so that should she act on any threats, you have your own documentation to back up your side.  Threats made in front of others, anything written, etc.  Save it all.  

She is being passive aggressive by not saying much.  Go on with your life and enjoy your pregnancy.  It's sad for your partner that he has to probably see his mom behaving this way.  I'm sure he has many wounds from this---  you just be supportive to HIM and not worry about pleasing her.  Tell him how much you love him, make a happy home, share peace and joy together---  and his mom can sit in her house unhappy trying purposely to rain on everyone's parade.  

Hugs, let us know how this progresses!

[lkaykirk]

When you go into labor or have the baby inform her and let her decide. My mil drives me nuts. She is upset about the fact I'm pregnant again and her daughter is having issues getting pregnant. So they just don't talk about my pregnancy when the daughter is around. It's werid.