Bad feelings/sadness. Anyone else??

[lmc2132]

Hi all,

I am writing to share some troubles I've been having in hopes that just getting it out there might help or that someone has some advice.  Sam is 10 days old now and I'm having trouble adapting.  Primarily, I hate breastfeeding.  It is very painful still, though I have made some progress and hate to quit now that I've at least gotten to the stage where my nipples are healing.  I dread each feeding and hate knowing that at any moment he might need to eat, even if it's only been 45 mins since the last.  Sam makes it harder by making latch-on a huge challenge--he gets so excited and flails around like a mad person and eventually I just have to take aim and shove and hope for the best.  It's such a frustrating experience, 10 times a day and all night over and over again.  I want to quit so many times each day but am afraid of giving up this early.

This has contributed to an overall sadness/depressed/hopeless type feeling.  I can't stop thinking about how hard my life is going to be for at least the next 2 months and probably well beyond.  (Pregnancy seems like a walk in the park compared to this.)  This obsessive thinking is not productive, and I know things are supposed to get better, but I just can't stop crying sometimes.

I am not sure if it is too soon to consider postpartum depression?  When should the hormones subside and clear my head?  There are good times, and DH is being amazing, but I am really struggling every hour just to cope.  Any thoughts you have are welcome.

-Lynne (LMC)

[lmc2132]

I've tried it all: nipple shields, ointments, gel pads, everything.  Nothing helps the latch-on pain and of course, I can't teach my son to want to nurse.  So, with the help of my LC, I have a new plan.  I am going to continue pumping, supplementing with formula if necessary.  I'm not going to worry about supply.  Until he is 6 weeks, then reevaluate where we are.  Since I came to this decision, my negative feelings have all but disappeared.  It's a huge relief.  Sam is healthy and gaining weight so our efforts so far have been successful.

[radhika28]

For sore nipples, arent you guys trying the 'nipple shield'? It helps heal your sore nipples, once the baby latches on for about 10 mins with the nipple shield, it helps the nipple become big enough to reach the baby's mouth easily so that she doesnt need to bite!
Im trying and find it helpful too.

[Asking4aMiracle]

i hear you on the bottles (we only have one 4oz bottle because everyone said we wouldnt use it but maybe a day or two because they move on so fast) well we dont really have the money at the moment to run out and buy any more (i do have a few 9oz bottles but they are the fast flow nipples) so we are washing it after each feeding, it *****!!!!!!!! on top of cleaning all of the pump stuff... this breastfeeding thing is hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[AriQueen]

Hi Lynne,

Sorry for not responding sooner. To be honest I don't even know how I find time, I have been so busy it seems like I am bumping every single hour of the day. I have come up with a schedule to pump and it looks like this:

I pump between 4am to 6am depending when the baby is sleeping.
Then again around 10am to 12pm.
Then again around 3pm to 5pm
Then again around 7pm to 8pm
Finally right before i go to bed around 10pm.

My nipples are SUPER sore and cracked but I don't want to quite on him by giving up and only giving him a bottle. The other thing that helps is that my mom is here at the house and she will living with me for a while. My Dh also took two and half weeks from work so he has been a great help. I swear breadtfeeding is the hardest thing especially dealing with a c-section on top of it. I find myself only thinking of pumping and washing bottles....i cry here and there, but it was worse in the begining.

[lmc2132]

Asking, I find it hard to massage unless I am just doing one breast b/c I need to support the horns in place with both hands.  Do you have some method of getting the horns to stay in place hands-free?

[Asking4aMiracle]

when you are pumping, do you just stick the pump on and let it go? i massage my breast while i am pumping (something that is probably not easy with a baby attached) and i get more, and i dont get engorged by the next pumping. just try massaging it, rubbing all over in circles, see if it helps you. i usually attach it, let it pump for a while, then massage and i get more too. good luck

[lmc2132]

Thanks Michele for the viewpoint, so much I hear "stick it out, it will get better."  So far when one thing gets better another gets worse.  Last night we started bottle feeding breastmilk.  It's going well except I am getting engorged again b/c the pump doesn't work that well to express all the milk.  I may try again to BF but I have to say, I am a much happier mommy knowing that I could just put it all behind me and spend my time cuddling my son instead of crying or lying exhausted on the couch.  I think if I can set a feeding routine, the baby blues will get better.

Asking, good to hear I am not alone.  Last night nipple confusion was the last thing on our minds when DS kept latching and refusing to eat.  

[Asking4aMiracle]

Oh thank you thank you!!!! I thought I was being a bad mom because I am pumping an feeding with a bottle. Bryce will not latch on and it's even worse now that my nipples are flat again (like before pregnancy) he just refuses but I try over and over to get him to take my nipple and he won't!! I pump 3 to 4 times a day and at the moment I have 9 feedings in the fridge but with my breast being so large, it's so hard to not just pump!! You have no idea how glad I am to see others doing it as well!! But as I see it too, the goal is to give him the breast milk, if that is through a bottle, then so be it!! As for the baby blues, I didn't get them or haven't yet but I'm not running on adrenaline any more. I actually feel like my normal self, only blues I feel are when I stare at him and notice he has/is getting bigger =(  I told him he can't get big!! I hope everyone is doing well!! Are all September babies here now?

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Well I do exclusively BF, but this is also #6, so I have had lots of practice.  I don't try to push people either way.  BFing is a decision only the mother can make.  I think women should at least give it a try, and you have done that.  If it's not working out, then you can always go to the bottle.  You could even pump and then give that milk to her.  My SIL did that for 6 months with my nephew.

As for the feelings that you are having, they are perfectly  normal.  BF could def be adding to it, but you could also have PPD.  I ALWAYS get it.  So, I start taking Zoloft in the hospital.  Your OB can prescribe it for you.  I recommend it.  I only take the Zoloft until I feel better.  Sometimes that's all you need is just a jump start, like NicMom said.

I hope you feel better soon!

[eachatelain]

I ended up not BFing cause I began supplementing with formula and once he had a taste of that, he wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with me or my milk. But the wk+ that I spent trying to BF was miserable.. he would be frailing around and pitching a fit, and I would be stressed about getting him to latch on, and it was insane. Bottle feeding has been a much better experience for me... But I still am having troubles with my mood. I'll all of a sudden feel like crying for no reason, I've been rather short tempered with DH, and have felt very closed off and lonely. I love my son soooo much but since about 1 wk after having him I have felt so depressed. I have good moments but almost all of the time I feel so down. I'm tired and I'm very ready to go back to work... I've not sought out any help for my feelings, I'm really just hoping it'll subside on its own.. I'm very against depression medication. I think it really changes who you are.. but if this doesn't go away soon, I think I'm going to put those feelings aside.

[Latrice414]

Sometimes i wrap her up in the blanket lik they do at the hospital so all i have is her head, so she cant  move her hands and stuff.  Just try to find a bottle that resembles a nipple, i no playtex have them.

I second the sugar in the gas tank @nicmom,  why do i have to struggle and others have it so easy.  I started pumping to, so that others can feed and watch her so im not going out of my mind.

[lmc2132]

Thanks Nicmom, your post perked me up.  I think I will introduce the bottle very soon, as it seems the round the clock BFing might be contributing to my sad feelings.  Latching REALLY hurts and he is so frantic.  If I could let DH feed even once a night I might feel less tied down and be able to enjoy my son more.  I have heard we should wait til he's 3 weeks to avoid nipple confusion, but I think that's a risk I'm willing to take at this point.  I'm also going to go ahead and give him a pacifier to see if it eases the between-feeding feedings, which never go well (he screams, I manage to latch him,  and then he immediately falls asleep on the boob.  aargh!)

I think I will call my DR on Monday as you are right, I don't want to wait too long to get help if I need it.

[NicMom]

I'm glad your talking about it! I think keeping it all inside only makes it harder. I've been having a really hard time with PPD and I spoke with a dr about it not too long ago. She said the off and on depression and the OCD thoughts are normal. Don't beat yourself up about it. If it doesn't get better in the next few days don't hesitate to call your dr. Seratonin is the hormone that your body produces when your happy. When you have a baby your on a high for the first few days. When you come down from that high then the baby blues kick in. If after a week the baby blues don't go away you might need assistance like giving your brain a little kick to jumpstart the seratonin again.

As far as breastfeeding oh my god. Someone was telling me that they got the baby to latch right away and haven't had one single problem with nursing since the day the baby was born. I wanted to pour sugar in her gas tank. Breastfeeding is hard! It is so physicaly and emotionaly demanding. Honestly at this point the only thing that keeps me going is trying to protect the baby from flu season. I'm down to only nursing 2 times a day and pumping/bottle feeding the rest of the time. As long as she gets the milk that's what I care about. I nursed her the first few weeks for the bonding. If I was still only nursing her and not pumping I would have lost my mind. I have a deep respect for women who can go without pumping. When she would be starving and having a fit because the milk wasn't going fast enough I would start crying. I think if you keep at it you will both get more patient.

Again don't wait to call your dr! If you did have to take medication it takes a few weeks to build up in your system.

[lmc2132]

Thanks guys...Sounds like Sam is not the only crazy baby.  Latrice, I tried waking him to feed but can't seem to get him at the right time, he is either too sleepy or awake and crazed for milk.  I will keep trying though.  It's such a draining experience every time.  I have not tried feeding him anything in a bottle yet, though I think I am getting to that point...I have started pumping to build a little supply.  Ari, how do you find time to pump 4-5 times/day?  I feel like I am already 100% busy with feeding and diapering him all day/night.

As for the hopeless feelings, I really hope they pass with the hormones, but if they're not better in a few more days I think I am going to have to look at meds of some kind, I just can't afford for this to get worse, already I am crying several times a day and just feeling generally down.

[slzerbst]

I agree with everyone about when their babies get hungry they fail their arms and legs like crazy, me and DH aren't brestfeeding, but when I attempted it, it would take forever to get him to latch on because his fists were constenly by his mouth, and his legs wouldn't get into the proper position.  Not to mention I was terribly scared of hurting him when I would move his arms to get him to latch, infact the nurses or DH would have to help hold his arms away so I could get my nipple into his mouth.  And now that we are using formula and a bottle, me and DH wait until he movies his arms to put the nipple into his mouth, as DH says it's all about the timeing.  

But that is a GREAT idea about waking up before the baby gets up to start feeding him/her.  And it's alot easier now that most of our babies have gotten use to some sort of a scheduall!!

Good luck, and I know that I really have no true experacine with people who are brestfeeding, but I thought that I would add my two cents.  Good luck and I truly hope that everything starts to get better, for your sake and baby's.  Keep us posted, and like I've told Latrice, if you need anything or just want to talk or vent, leave me a message or a post on the from.

[AriQueen]

Well, let me tell you I started to feel this way myself a few days ago too. I hated the fact of lacthing the baby on b/c he would do the same thing as Sam. He is now not even latching on b/c he is so used to the bottle. I continue to bump and that makes it easier. I think it hurts less than breastfeeding. I have been bumping 4-5 times per day and I get like 3-4 onz per breast. I went to target today to purchase extra bottles so I can start my supply since my milk is coming in so much these days. If I don't bump my breast get so engorged and it hurts like hell. I can only imagine how much it would hurt if I didn't pump and if he didnt latch on. I swear I am barely keeping up with how much he eats it's crazy.......I am sure it will get better. Hang in there girl.

[Latrice414]

Hey Lynne, i want to say im sorry you are feeling what you are feeling, when i read the begining it made me chuckle just a little, not that its funny but bcuz thats how i felt about breastfeeding a few days ago.  I would be like omgosh your hungry again.  My nipples were so sore that it got to the point it was bleeding:( and i think that is when i started giving her formula/bottle at night.  I bout some lansinoh cream and it helped.  Since my milk has come in it has been better to nurse her bcuz its a lot there, i think when it was colustrum it was not a lot.  Also not to add my breast are size 42dd, now they are bigger bcuz of the milk so i have to find ways to prop up my breast bcuz i get tired of holding it sometimes lol.  What i do is i try to insert the amount of breast i want her to take in, if she dont take in enough i start over, once she has that amount in i hold the rest of the breast, also what i have learned is that when i breast feed she never sleeps over 2 and half hours, she actually gets up every 2hours or 2hours and ten min, ive been keepn a journal, and yes she is like a mad hungry something going wild with mouth, hands and feet to eat.  I had a dr appt today for her and the pedatrician said feed her 15 min b4 she would normally wake or even 30 min, well i tried it when i got home and it worked, she was not like a mad woman.  So mayb try feeding him 15-20 min early, even if he is sleep, he will wake up.   Also, i started givn her a sponge bath at 1030 pm then i give her a bottle of formula and she sleeps 3 and 1/2 hours, 4 hours once b4.  Since my milk has come in, i have been pumping so i can then give her the breast milk in a bottle during the night shift.  Depending on how tired i am, i will attempt to breastfeed her, but if im to tired or she takn 4ever to nurse i will give her the breast milk in a bottle.  

I understand how you feel bcuz i wanted to give up to, try doing those things, not sure how you feel about formula, but i no pumping and givnin breastmilk is a life savor at night.  

Far as the feeling sadness, it could be ppd but if you are unsure call your dr. bcuz i no zoloft takes like 2-3 weeks to work, i have feelings of sadness to but it comes and goes i do have a script of zoloft and just wondering if i should take it or not.