Pregnancy: Sep 2010 Babies Community
What would you do!?
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What would you do!?

Okay so, I have been seeing the Father of my child for the past like 6 months. He is married, and has 2 kids already but this man freakin brain washed me....He kept telling me that him and his wife dont even have sex and blah blah blah, He wants to be the one who comes home to me and takes care of me and He still, to this day, tells me he loves me and still has sex with me but is denying he is the father by saying that he was FIXED over a year ago! Im sooooo hurt. I live in philly, PA and he lives in browns mills,NJ... Im not driving right now so it's hard for me to get there and do what i want to do.

This is THE only man I have been with! I feel like he is driving me crazy. I soooo bad want to go to his house and tell his wife that her husband has a baby coming. Would i be wrong for doing so? What would you do? Im all alone with this now and im really scared, and frankly pissed off. I want to get paternity testing done while im still prego to prove this to him. I hope my insurance covers C V S because im so pissed off. It's not that I want him in my life, i could actually care less now, but it's just sad. A father should be there for their child.
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12 Comments Post a Comment
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202436_tn?1326477933
Ok, let me say that you would NOT be wrong for busting his bubble and telling his wife.  This man has the "cake and eat it too" complex.  He thinks he can keep stringing you along and keep going home to his wife and you both will continue to be oblivious.  I can also tell you he is full of C R A P when he says he no longer has sex with his wife.  My Husband was seeing another woman but I caught it before it went all the way to sex.  He told her the SAME things...told her we stayed in seperate rooms and so on...it was ALL LIES. Don't believe a word out of this mans mouth and if I were you, I would tell his wife as soon as possible.  I would tell him point blank that if necessary you WILL have a paternity test run and he WILL be sued for child support and I would follow through with it.  I would also cut off your intimate relationship with him NOW.  You should discuss with your doc the risks of an amnio to have a paternity test run while you are pregnant, it's not going to make much difference if you wait until the baby is born.  Besides, if he isn't WILLING to take the paternity test you will have to wait until the baby is born anyway and have him court ordered to take one.
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks  for the comment! So Im pretty sure everyone will agree with me here!
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394558_tn?1314816960
I agree with losing my mind you should not feel guilty at all about tellig his wife i think she needs to know what kind of a MAN she is married to !! Also this man has proved what he thinks about you by not beliving that this child is his and making out that you are sleeping with other people, and i totally agree with losing my mind about the dna test if he refuses what will say that to his wife !! so he does know that the child is his otherwise what the problem with the test ??, I think you need to try and surrond yourself with the postive people in your life at the moment friends, family ?? people who wont pass judgment and just support you through this and get strong enough to tell this man that he is not getting away with treating you like this and you tell him he WILL support you and this child and also make sure you also let me know that you will be telling his wife excatly what kind of a husband he is !!! i really hope that you will be ok ! it must be so hard for you to go through this x
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Avatar_f_tn
Okay so I posted on Jan8th, it is now Jan30th and his whole attitude has changed. Maybe he didnt want to belive it, maybe he was scared I dont know! He now says he will definitly be in this child's life, and has never spoke about being "fixed" again lol
Im so glad that he stepped up to his responsibilities!!! He says things to me like "this could be the best thing that ever happened to us" Its so sweet, this man is makeing me fall in love with him so i HOPE he's there in the end and breaks it off with the wifey soon...
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796506_tn?1370191905
Girl you are chasing a dream. He has a wife and two other children. Statistically in these cases they tell you what you want to hear. I hope that he does step up and take care of his baby though.
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Avatar_f_tn
Why do Men do that? Why would he tell me what I want to hear?
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796506_tn?1370191905
I honestly think he is just trying to cover his butt so you don't break the news to his wife. I have been in a situation (he was my boyfriend of 2 years but was such a player and I was too young to know the difference) and he would get into a "mood" and tell me how happy he was to have a baby, blah blah blah. I would ask him about the conversation later and he would always say he had no idea what I was talking about. Sadly enough, for me, I ended up m/cing the baby 3 months in and our relationship was never the same and we broke up shortly after. Believe me, men will tell you what you want to hear just to cover their screwups. Like I said before, I hope that he steps up and takes care of his baby!
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202436_tn?1326477933
Becuase men have an "entitlement personality" they feel that they should be able to have whatever they want however they have to get it.  I still think his wife needs to know.  How would you feel if he had yet another mistress on the side besides you?  Yes you ARE a mistress, you are not a girlfriend or a spouse.  You are the side toy plain and simple.  I know that sounds harsh but sometimes harsh realities are what is needed.  He has probably told other women the same lame bologna he has fed to you over the years.  Do you honestly think this man has ANY intentions of a REAL future with you?  He doesn't want to give up his cozy little married life or he would have done so already.  He wants the stability from it, but wants to have his toys on the side. My best advice to you....get your head on straight...stop looking with your heart and start looking with your brain. This man is NOT relationship material.  Even if he DID EVENTAULLY leave his wife.  Whats to stop him from doing the SAME thing to you once he suckers you into thinking you two are "exclusive" or even married.  Right now his fancy talk and saying the things you've been hoping he'd say is just his way of laying out the bait and you are doing what he hoped for...falling for it hook, line and sinker.  If you cut off all ties to him relationship wise, I can almsot gaurantee he wouldn't think twice abotu you or your child again unless you sued for child support...he'd just find another girl toy to play with.  The ONLY way to make this man own up to his responsibilities and to burst this little entitlement bubble he has is to pull the rug out from under him.  Tell his wife, get a paternity test, sue his sorry arse for child support, move on with YOURS and YOUR CHILD'S LIfe and leave him to reel in the consequences of his own selfish actions.  He's a pig....a shovenistic, narcassistic PIG. He has no regard for your feelings or those of his wife who may or may not have a suspiscion something is going on.  He definately has no regard for this child you are carrying.  He is self-centered, selfish, childish, immature and only cares about covering his own slimy rear end.  
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1139097_tn?1271198037
LosingMyMindInGA speaks the truth.  I read the original post weeks ago and thought to myself, OH LORD!  I didn't have the energy to break it down the way Losing has, and sadly, I figured it wouldn't do any good...especially when you came back, seemingly happy and relieved that he was coming around.  Don't be his fool.  Don't set your child up for a bunch of heartache, stress, and drama.  I think the best thing to do is cut him off for good and just sue for child support when the time comes.  However, if you really want to see his true colors... tell the wife!  If he means all the bull he's feeding you now, he'll be pissed at first but ultimately he'll be relieved.  Don't hang on to that possibility, though.  Wise up, girl!  Your baby needs you without the foolishness.    
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202436_tn?1326477933
My oldest isn't my husbands bio child.  At the time I was "exclusive" with a man I thought I was in love with even though he didn't feel it was necessary to be "exclusive" with me.  I lost my virginity to him, gave him two years of my life only to raelize when it came down to it what a lousy selfish pig he was.  When I got pregnant he headed for the hills, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I was cautious.  The whole time I was pregnant he gave me a whopping $5 for lunch one day, went WINDOW shopping for baby items once and I got several bent rings from having to punch him in the head when he got pissed and had me in a headlock.  Even still, I tried to give him the opportunity to do the right thing.  I called him when she was born, he came to the hospital....acting like a completely fool.  Commenting "yeah that's my girl, I'm her old man, look what I made" He INSISTED he wanted to be there for her blah blah blah but when I laid out my terms he booked again.  She is now 13 1/2 years old.  He has not seen her since she was a few months old.  I think he held her ONCE in the hospital.  He didn't even bother to come see her the several times we were at outtings with mutual friends at the same time.

My point is this, you may want to believe all this sweet talk he's throwing at you, but it's BS.  I was smart enought to listen to my mom and not fall for the endless string of crap he tried to feed me.  I chose not to put his name on the BC becuase I knew he was a spiteful, hateful, *******. I also knew if i sued for child support he would insist on visitation just to spite me and knowing the fact that he did drugs with me in the room while I was pregnant I wasn't about to subject a defenseless child to that.  He still doesn't believe she is his child even though he was the only man I had been with until she was a year old.  Whens he was 3 I met my DH ...he took her in as if she were his own, a few years later he put his name on her BC and in every way except DNA he is her father.  She is FAR better off without her sperm donor.  He's STILL a loser.  

While your situation may not be EXACT to mine with the physical abused and drugs it's the same principal.  You really need to be smart about this, think with your head not your heart.  You now have a bigger priority than yourself.  You need to think long and hard and determine what is best for this child.  Do you want a father who is going to lie to him/her, have false hopes...one who is going to be a "when its convenient for me dad"  Becuase that's what he's heading for.  Take his cake and eat it to attitude and throw the cake in his face.  Tell his wife.  Believe it will be a HUGE relief to all involved.  He may be pissed but it will be a big weight off his shoulders and if your lucky it might actually make him man up.  It will also help the wife by giving her proof instead of suspisions that she probably has...and it will help YOU.  You are carrying aruond the burder of HIS lies and deception...figuritively AND literally now.  Please let usk now how things turn out.
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1169162_tn?1331235953
To LosingMyMind,

I am sorry that you had to go through that experience with bio donor of your first child, and I am glad that you had the strength, wisdom, and courage to make the right decision for yourself and your daughter. You are a strong woman.  Your daughter is lucky to have you and your husband sounds wonderful.

To CNAFaye24,

I am a little confused as to why you have another post in the "relationships" community with an equally dramatic but entirely different story.  Here is that story:
  
My Husband and I have been together for about 7 years. We have 2 kids already and I am Pregnant with another. There is a 50- 50 chance this baby is not my husband's. I did something horrible obviously and  Yes, my Husband knows all about it. He is still here for me, and wants to be for the baby as well even if it is not his. I know he Loves me to death and this other man is not around at all. He lost his license and lives in another State, so that has been his excuse lately for not seeing me but otherwise talks to me daily and tells me he loves me and he'll be there for the baby, etc..

I feel like I have feelings for this Man, and I do still Love my Husband we have been through so much together and raising 2 lil girls, I just feel soooo confused on what to do here. My Husband and I have been seperated/not living together since November 2009. He wants me to come back so bad, but I feel worried that when I do  have the baby and it ISNT his, his feelings may change, or if they dont, Do i pretend that my husband is the Father of the baby and not even tell this other man? Please dont bash me, im just looking for advice, im alone, scared, and confused....thanks for reading

I don't mean to bash you but I am a bit protective of the other women on this forum who have spent a lot of time and energy giving you heartfelt advice.  You are being really unfair to everyone, including yourself, if you are not being honest.  This is a place for everyone to come who needs help and advice, and we do want to help you but you need to treat this community with the respect it deserves.   Whatever your story really is, I wish you the strength to make the best decisions for yourself and your children.  Good luck.    
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202436_tn?1326477933
That IS interesting. I always wonder when stories don't add up, but I'd rather give the best advice I can only to find it's a fake post than to not give my best advice and it be a real situation.  I agree with the last paragraph of your post.
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