Company right after delivery..

[LauraB78]

Hi ladies..

I am having yet another meltdown..

I will make this as ahort as I can...

My Mom is partially disabled. She lives in FL and I live in MA.. Last week she fell and broke her foot and is in a "boot" of some sort. She told me she wants to come early January and stay until end of January/beginning of February to be here when Jaxson arrives. I told her that was too long of a visit (and she cant help on crutches.), and I wasn't sure I wanted immediate company and we left it at  that.I told her Ken and I had talked a lot about it and he told his family we will call when we are up to company and that we wanted some time to adjust as a new family alone..

I just found out last night she has booked airfare arriving in MA January 7.. I am sooo friggen p!ssed. This is my first child ( I am 30 years old) and I told her I wasn't sure I wanted anyone around and that we were considering have no company for at least a week.. She has booked this as a "surprise" but my niece told me b.c she knew I would be upset. My Mom has been unemployed/disabled for over a year so I know she saved and scrimped to make this trip even possible but I dont want her around for a friggen month! And I didnt want her (or anyone) else around for a week or two..

Ken is also upset b.c he doesnt deal well w. company anyway and thinks it is rude that my Mother is meddlesome. I dont know what to do.. I am freaking out and totally emotional. I tried to be nice about it b/c I obviously love my Mother very much and didn;t want to hurt her feelings, but she is SUPER controlling, and I dont know how to un-do this.. She cant change her flight b.c she cant afford too and I really feel strongly about having some space and just having Ken and I there for the birth, etc.. I am beside myself upset right now..

Any advice?

[LauraB78]

it is definitely a personal decision!! My family ISNT helpful! That's probably the main difference! ; ).   I still haven't heard from my Mom... I will post an update thread when I do!! Thank you sooooo much everyone! I appreciate ALL the different perspectives! : )

[nutz19]

READ THIS!!!!!
I TOLD EVERYONE I DIDNT WANT VISITORS FOR BOUT A WEEK... GUESS WHAT THEY ALL TURNED UP UNANOUNCED ANYWAY.
NO I DIDN'T LIKE THEM THERE, YES THEY WERE IN THE WAY. and seriously i didnt care this was my mums grandchild, jovi is my son first and i needed to rest, get to know my son and spend some time as a family just me, dh and jovi.
SERIOUSLY IT'LL GET YOU DOWN IN THE END.
I RESENT MY FAMILY FOR NOT RESPECTING MY WISHES. ITS UR DECISION JUST DO WATS RIGHT FOR U.

[sweetangel7]

I like sakers idea of the list/rules/schedule to post on the fridge or some other place.  This is truly a really difficult position for you to be in!  I hope you hear from your mom soon so you can stop having this weighing on your mind!  

Keep us posted!

Maybe you can do an update post once she comes so you can tell us all how it went...what worked and didn't...advice for when and if we get in the same situation!

[sakers1985]

Hey there... maybe write down and stick it to the frig of your schedual or what you want done. Tell her when she gets there that THIS is YOUR baby and THIS is how you want it done and no other way. You remind me of my sister and my mom and how its going to be when she gets pregnant. Lucky for you... I cant work and so we had to move out of our house and move into MIL house... SHE WILL BE THERE ALL THE TIME!!!!!!  I understand your point of view cause I am there with you. I am only 15 weeks preggo and my husbands family has already said they are "watching" the baby.. in my head i am like OH NO YOUR NOT!!.... anywho.. i wish you the best of luck... and hopfully you will have all your hair left when she is gone.  Keep us posted!

[JoyRenee]

Griggsy- with my firstborn I did it all on my own. Even DH wasn't involved that much (mostly because he was terrified of the screaming bundle of joy). But I invited my MIL to the labor and delivery of our 2nd daughter and had so much help from them. I knew she'd love being there and seeing her granddaughter born into the world. So I'm not against having help or visitors. I just think the mother of the baby should just be ready for it. For me, I wasn't ready until I was pregnant with our second baby, and I'm totally enlisting their help when we have a third.

[Griggsy]

I guess I have a completely different view on family and help. I will have all 3 of my sisters in the delivery room, my mom and DH. I don't think that holding him all by yourself helps with the bonding process. I firmly believe that babies know the second they enter this world that you are their mother/father. They recgonize voices, and know yours very well.

I wouldn't have it any other way. However, to each their own.

Good luck your mom and hopefully your contractions come back so you can have the time you want with your son that you desire.

[LauraB78]

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all of your input!

I understand that many people welocme and appreciate the "help." I am just struggling wityh the whole idea b.c like Joy mentioned, I want to bond w. Jaxson and get to know hom without an audience. I havent heard back from my Mother yet, but I will let you all know how it turns out..

I was having contractions (fairly painful) all morning and about an hour ago, they just stopped... I am sad. I was hoping today was the day! It sure would solve the "Mom" problem! =D

Thanks again, you ladies are all great!

And laura, I KNOW.. This pregnancy has been sooo tough on me and I am honestly over it.. But in the grand scheme of things, I think it has sorta gone by quickly as well.. Probably doesnt make sense..,=)

[JoyRenee]

Laura, I completely understand how you feel. While it is fine for some people to want help and company, there is a whole other group of people (which must include you and me!) who just like to try it out on their own without an audience and without someone else stepping in. I hate feeling like someone else is in control of my kids (like correcting them before I even have a chance to formulate a thought about correcting them).

You need TIME and your mother should respect that. I didn't have my mom around. My MIL stayed away unless I invited her and it was all good. I felt like I could try this whole motherhood thing out without someone telling me what to do or having them take over while I just sat there.

You want to bond, you want to get to know your baby's cries and personality, and you want to be in the comfort of your own home. You shouldn't have to feel like taking care of a newborn and a guest (even if it is your mother) and keeping things tidy.

My personal take on it is to tell her to re-book.

[heatherlynn22]

i know how you feel. my company didn't even wait till i got home...they started in the hospital. lol. i was actually staying with my mom when i was pregnant up to 2 months after the dh's and i twins were born (i was a high risk pregnancy and with him being in the marines with how much he worked we decided it was safer for not only the boys but for me as well to stay with my mother. which with how much i was going to the hospital....thank god i was with my mom) i didn't mind having my mom and sister in law there....it was having the entire family there. then when we got home....the neighbors AND the family were there. i was so not a happy camper. i was tired, full of fluid and just wanted to spend time with my babies. just me, the boys and the dh.....but nope. the world was there...lol.

[laura1985]

hey just wondering if your mom ever got back with you?

and i totally understand btw. although i no longer have contact with my mother, she is the same way. our relationship ended when she started pulling her bs when i was planning my wedding. we ended up going off to the courthouse instead, which makes me sad. but my mother is seriously crazy (she is bipolar, so there ya go). im pretty close with my mil and grandmother, but i wouldnt want them in the delivery room either.

hope everything works out. i cant believe its almost time! seems like just yesterday you found out!

[sweetangel7]

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said and it seems that you are taking action which I think is good =)

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing those titles of the books...I'm going to look into them...

[kikicoates78]

I can totally relate, but mine is my MIL. this is her first grandchild so she is more than excited. She got mad when I told her she couldn't come to my ultrasound, the big anatomy scan, This is my 3rd child, but my DH's 1st. This is our time, not hers. she already planned on taking vacation the week she was born, I told her it would be a waste, she did change it to the 3rd week, my DH has to go back to work then. I love her we get along great, but she is also over stepping. I say be harsh, your mom will get over it just as my MIL did.

I will say this though even someone around to help tidy up a bit, or make a meal is nice. You and K will be so exhausted, and it is very sraining on a relationship :(  Good luck hun!

[jdamico]

i  get what u are saying  and when i  had  my frist  i  was against  having my mother help me at  all.  My mother is the same  way  pushy and controlling but i have to  admitt  when i though  it woud bother me  it ended up being the thing that  saving me having her there when i  brought my  daughter home  cause  i am telling u with me i  read all the books and such but man that all went out the  window when  they told me i was taking her home  and that was that i was  like i has  no idea what to do with this little person .  as  I figured   ur mother is one person u  know has been through this  an d managed not to  go  crazy  ( cause those moments will  come)   i agree having her here before had sounds like  it might be  a little much in the way  but maybe the help after the baby is born will be  worth .  try talking to ur mom and  letting her  know what u are thinking and how it is making u feel .
as for the  private  delivery that i  agree on to  ia m only  having two  people in the room with me  one is the  Dh and  the other is  BFF  who has been through this with me  with muy other to she  is there this  time not so smuch for me  but t o support the  hubby  cause  this is  frist  time  going through all of this.

again talk to ur mom  let her know what uare thinking hopefully she  will understand and maybe  respect ur wishes  when i t comes to  wanting the  privacy.
Good luck with setting the  schedule or trying just remember to  be flexible with a new born like i think others have  posted  for me that why u wont get  broken  hearted if it doesnt work right away  remember babies have a mind of their own
good  luck with talking ot mom

[johannaviles]

You know as mean as it may sound i also HATE company after giving birth, It must be something about my hormones, because I just want my husband  to be around...
Everything everyone else does (even to try to help me ) drives me nuts and makes me mad.  It happened with my daughter and with my son: I JUST WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE :|, my mom "felt" it and just stayed away untill I felt ready.
My point is: i completely understand what you feel and eventhought your mom would feel bad, I think being tackfully (sp?) honest now would be much better than feeling miserable and wanting to kill her once she is there...I dont know, maybe you can offer her move the flight, or make her stay shorter...

Best of luck...

[LauraB78]

K.. I will keep you posted! =)

I hope they work for us too!

[GRose]

Well, that's AWESOME if you can get it to work. Let me know and maybe I will get those books before #2 comes!

[LauraB78]

No offense taken AT ALL!!  I agree to an extent and since this is my first, I may be totally naive w/ thinking that scheduling is even possible.. But we want to try..

The idea behind it is that Ken and I found 2 books that we are choosing to follow that have a schedule that we want to try,, I am NOT saying it will be successful, we are just really hoping so! =)

And my Mom is totally controlling and will not comply is more my concern than if the actual schedule doesnt pan out.,

We are following the " The contented little baby book" by Gina Ford, and "Baby Wise".. Not sure who the author is on that one, I am having a brain fart!! I have 2 really close friends who followed these books.. One recommended each book, and all of their children slept through the night by 8 weeks (at the latest) And when I say through the night, I mean 11pm - 5 am.. So.. we shall see..

Thanks for all the input. I emailed my Mom and have yet to hear back from her.. I hate confrontation,and am nervous, but really feel strongly about standing my ground on this one.,.

[GRose]

I just wanted to tell you that the reason most people don't have a set schedule with a newborn isn't because it is too challenging it is because it is dam-n near impossible. You cant force a baby to sleep or be awake when it doesn't want to and you can't make it wait too eat either, babies will eat and sleep when they want. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with trying but I am saying not to have too high of hopes in succeeding in your schedule.
Sorry if that sounded harsh but my hormones are going crazy and I can't keep myself from saying what I think at this point in my pregnancy.

[GTsMom]

I understand what Laura is saying.  I love my Mother and my MIL very much but feel the same about wanting your time alone in the beginning with the baby.  While they think they are helping out, they really aren't when they aren't listening to you when you are telling them how they can help.  It is understandable that they will give advice being they have been through it themselves.  You and your husband need to work out a routine that will work for the three of you as it will be the three of you when the visitors aren't coming around so much.  I am pregnant with my 2nd child and with already knowing how it was the first time around, my DH and I know for sure we don't want visitors in the first couple of days, at least.  Sure there may be extenuating circumstances that may change your mind once the big day arrives, but assuming everything goes smooth with your delivery and you and baby are fine, you may want that time at home alone as a family for the first few days.  I brought my DS home on Christmas Day and it was so chaotic - - I thought I was going to lose it:-)    

[agomez333]

Laura,

I completely understand about wanting ur space and I have a mother like that too. Thankfully with this being #4 she has learned not to push anymore. I too want space and room after he is born and do not want a bunch of visitors and if friends and family get offended well I'm sorry. I don't want people with germs coming and going when he is so little. It will be flu season when these babies r born and I completely understand.
I did want to mention though that is is almost impossible to form a schedule right away so dont set your expectations too high for that or you will be greatly disappointed. Also, you can not hold a brand new baby too much and spoil them. As they get a little older, you can hold them less, but you will shock your poor baby if you are to stingy on holding him. For the last 9 mths he has been close to you and hearing your heartbeat so they need to be swaddled and held close especially in the early days and weeks or you will have one crying and crabby baby on ur hands. This is coming from experience so take it how you will...
Just remember at first schedules are all the babies and after a month or two or three you are able to set a more regular schedule.. Just dont set your hopes too high with this being ur first baby and all cause it can get disheartening if things don't work they way YOU want them... Remember you have to be felxible with a new baby and things get crazy the first month.
For this reason especially I COMPLETELY understand the mom situation and hope you are able to work something out with her!! Good luck as everything plays out soon!!!

[LauraB78]

Grandmatobe- Thank you for your kind words and your input.. I am going to have to "s-uck" it up and have an incredibly difficult conversation with her. I think I am going to have to be MUCH more firm than I an comfortable with and it is going to hurt her feelings. But it is necessary.

I have found a family friend that has offered for her to stay  there to split time.. I still am not happy about what she has done. I know she ius excited.. Her 6th grandchild and 1st grandSON.. I get it.. I just think she was way too presumptuous..


Jen - Thanks, but she really cant help.. She could maybe hold Jaxson for a bit.. That is IT.. And I frankly dont want my son held 24-7.. That isnt part of my plan..

gr8- that is totally what I am heoping for as well.. I hope I have Jaxson Jan 1! New Years baby and then we would get our week!! We shall see.. He will cme when he is ready.

I have an appt today to check out whats going on "down there"  Lasy week, my cervix had thinned, but that was about it.. No dialation or anything..

I REALLY hope I am dialating, although that can mean nothing too! =(

[g8r grl]

For your sake, I'm hoping that you have your baby a little early so you can have some alone time with your new little family. I had my son 13 days early and it worked out because everyone had planned their visits for around that time.

Ask your doc to start stripping your membranes at 38 weeks or so...maybe it will work.

I know how you feel...my in-laws came to visit soon after my son was born and I was a disaster. It was my fist baby and I wanted to do everything myself. Are you nursing? That was my excuse to get away from them as much as possible. I'd have to feed him every 2-3 hours and it would take about 30-45 minutes...I always nursed in my room with the door shut because I'm not about flashing my baby feeders to the rest of the world. I'm also with you on the private delivery....my husband is the only one allowed. I don't need people watching that....it's special and personal.

Good luck :)

[Jen8950]

I am a very private person also. But as much as I'd like to be by myself after I had my first son, I am so THANKFUL my mom was pushy enough to stay with me. Even though my husband had taken some vac time then, it was that extra hand that was great.

[Grandmatobe]

I totally get what you are saying Laura - really.  I have one of those Mother's too and I can only tolerate a day at a time before I go nuts, so I understand where you are coming from.  Fortunately for me, when my kids were born, my Mom was too "busy" to "help" anyway, so I didn't have to deal with her overbearing personality.

If I could give you some insight as a grandma myself, it might put a few things in perspective.  When my daughter had her child earlier this year, I listened to her and my SIL talk about how they didn't want visitors right away and wanted to bond with the baby before people started coming over, etc.  Well, they all live with my hubby and I, so I figured I could help keep people away, until they were up for visitors.  Unfortunately, people kept "dropping" by for the first week and some of them wouldn't even call first.  Since my daughter had some complications from her epidural (5 day spinal headache, rehospitalization for blood patch, etc), she was bed bound and my SIL had only myself and my husband to help with the baby.  Granted, this was NOT their plan to have my daughter bedridden and in pain for the first week, but nevertheless, it worked out that we were there for them.

During that time, I thought I was being "helpful", but I think there were times that I overhelped - - almost stepping on their toes, which I didn't mean to do.  Grandmothers have this way of stepping right in, and we don't mean any harm - - we just have this instinct to take over, because we have "been there and done that".  I know that they appreciate the help, but I have to watch myself and not get too involved in their decisions, which is hard when we all live in the same house.  But I am getting better (I think).

Your feelings may change once the baby is here - - and maybe they won't..........I agree that it was very presumptuous of her to book a flight without your consent, especially since she would be staying at your house.  In her eyes, she probably thinks she is doing you a huge favor by coming and "helping" out.  In reality, she wants to see her grandchild.  Maybe you will have the baby early and this will all be moot anyway.

Or - - -

Tell her that if she insists on coming before the baby is born, she can only stay a week and if the baby hasn't come yet, she will have to miss those early days, because she is only allowed to stay at your house for a week, maximum.  Perhaps she will rethink her timing and reschedule her flight for a couple of weeks after the baby is born, so she can make better use of her time.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best, but I feel for you....I cannot imagine having my Mother live with me for that long - - - ugh!!  Good luck!