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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
Bad relationship with mom
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
Bad relationship with mom
by Creeestal, May 24, 2009 12:56AM
Hi,
I am a fourteen year old girl with a huge problem with my mother. And maybe I should add that we are a asian family.
We argue and fight once a day at MINIMUM. Usually the arguement is triggered when she repeats everything she says; but seriously she repeats 3-5 times, even when I had already responded.
Another thing I must mention is that I always come to my mother for help... hoping for comfort and advice. Big mistake.
When I tell her my true thoughts about being lonely and not leting me out as much as she lets my brother, she snaps at me and says she's trying to protect me from the outside world. But then I complain that all my friends are always happy becuase they go out nearly everyday, while im not even allowed to play in my front yard... alone.
When I cry out of fustration or have a temper she tells me: I'm not normal, I'm crazy, and I need a doctor. Or she just walks away and pretends im not there, like she has given up on me.
I'm tired of being treated like this, for 8 years. Hopefully not "in counting"
Help me please.
I am a fourteen year old girl with a huge problem with my mother. And maybe I should add that we are a asian family.
We argue and fight once a day at MINIMUM. Usually the arguement is triggered when she repeats everything she says; but seriously she repeats 3-5 times, even when I had already responded.
Another thing I must mention is that I always come to my mother for help... hoping for comfort and advice. Big mistake.
When I tell her my true thoughts about being lonely and not leting me out as much as she lets my brother, she snaps at me and says she's trying to protect me from the outside world. But then I complain that all my friends are always happy becuase they go out nearly everyday, while im not even allowed to play in my front yard... alone.
When I cry out of fustration or have a temper she tells me: I'm not normal, I'm crazy, and I need a doctor. Or she just walks away and pretends im not there, like she has given up on me.
I'm tired of being treated like this, for 8 years. Hopefully not "in counting"
Help me please.
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, May 26, 2009 02:32PM
, May 26, 2009 02:32PM
Dear Creeestal,
We need to figure out what's going on. One possibility is that she's the classic overprotective Asian mother. There is a whole literature devoted to this topic. For example, take a look at The Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan ( http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+joy+luck+club&x=14&y=20). There are also various essays concerning this at http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:QC3eUBiUgqUJ:www.123helpme.com/search.asp%3Ftext%3DJoy%2BLuck%2BClub%2BMother%2BDaughter+asian+mother-daughter+conflict&cd=17&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=safari And various other places. Try putting “asian mother-daughter conflict” in Google. Learn more about the problem in general.
If this is it, you and your mother will need some help from an Asian-American counselor (assuming you're American; if you're somewhere else or from a particular culture with particular old-world rules, there'll be other issues). Another route to go is to have a more enlightened relative or friend, preferably older, sit down with the two of you and mediate.
A second possibly is beyond the Asian issue your mother has a real psychological problem letting go of you. If she's been doing this since you were age six or so, maybe there's something else going on. Was there something that happened to endanger you when you were younger? Or does your mother have a history of trauma herself, such that she has a fear of the world, and a sense that it's overly dangerous? Does she have a psychiatric history? You'd have to let me know about facts like this, since I know little from your single paragraph.
If she does have this kind of problem, you'll need a professional, such as a social worker, to have some family meetings with her. Again, if she's ashamed to do this, as some Asian people are, use a family friend or enlightened family member instead.
Finally, examine your own behavior. Have you done anything to make your mother feel you were physically, sexually, or emotionally unsafe? I know you implied this wasn't an issue, but take a fresh look. If there is any such, it's no doubt making things worse. You're at an age when parents often become concerned, since kids are both overly brave and overly vulnerable.
So: perhaps do a bit of thinking about all this, and let's see if we can find a direction to go in, and then look at the specific tactics we need to use to get you free from this tangle.
Get back to me if you'd like.
All mothers and daughters get enmeshed, but what you're describing seems over the line, for sure.
Cordially,
Dr. P.
We need to figure out what's going on. One possibility is that she's the classic overprotective Asian mother. There is a whole literature devoted to this topic. For example, take a look at The Joy Luck Club, by Amy Tan ( http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+joy+luck+club&x=14&y=20). There are also various essays concerning this at http://74.125.95.132/search?q=cache:QC3eUBiUgqUJ:www.123helpme.com/search.asp%3Ftext%3DJoy%2BLuck%2BClub%2BMother%2BDaughter+asian+mother-daughter+conflict&cd=17&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=safari And various other places. Try putting “asian mother-daughter conflict” in Google. Learn more about the problem in general.
If this is it, you and your mother will need some help from an Asian-American counselor (assuming you're American; if you're somewhere else or from a particular culture with particular old-world rules, there'll be other issues). Another route to go is to have a more enlightened relative or friend, preferably older, sit down with the two of you and mediate.
A second possibly is beyond the Asian issue your mother has a real psychological problem letting go of you. If she's been doing this since you were age six or so, maybe there's something else going on. Was there something that happened to endanger you when you were younger? Or does your mother have a history of trauma herself, such that she has a fear of the world, and a sense that it's overly dangerous? Does she have a psychiatric history? You'd have to let me know about facts like this, since I know little from your single paragraph.
If she does have this kind of problem, you'll need a professional, such as a social worker, to have some family meetings with her. Again, if she's ashamed to do this, as some Asian people are, use a family friend or enlightened family member instead.
Finally, examine your own behavior. Have you done anything to make your mother feel you were physically, sexually, or emotionally unsafe? I know you implied this wasn't an issue, but take a fresh look. If there is any such, it's no doubt making things worse. You're at an age when parents often become concerned, since kids are both overly brave and overly vulnerable.
So: perhaps do a bit of thinking about all this, and let's see if we can find a direction to go in, and then look at the specific tactics we need to use to get you free from this tangle.
Get back to me if you'd like.
All mothers and daughters get enmeshed, but what you're describing seems over the line, for sure.
Cordially,
Dr. P.
