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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
Can't let go...
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Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
Can't let go...
by selftrainer, Oct 28, 2009 02:32AM
Hi Dr. P.,
I have a few questions that, if answered, will continue to help me at my "crossroads" w/ Alan:
1. Why does Alan want to be friends with me when it could possibly jeopardize his relationship with the lady he is dating? Does he not care that it could jeopardize things with her? Do you believe it could?
2. Why does Alan not seem bothered by asking me to be his friend when he knows how much he hurt me? Does he think everything is ok because he apologized and somehow I'm over it?
3. IF (big IF right now) Alan & I were to become/remain friends, do you think I would have to do most or all of the initial contacting or would he do some of it?
4. Do you think Alan would eventually want more if we were to become/remain friends even though he is saying he has no alterior motives?
5. And last but not least, why can't Alan completely let me go, Dr. P.?
Best regards,
Susan
I have a few questions that, if answered, will continue to help me at my "crossroads" w/ Alan:
1. Why does Alan want to be friends with me when it could possibly jeopardize his relationship with the lady he is dating? Does he not care that it could jeopardize things with her? Do you believe it could?
2. Why does Alan not seem bothered by asking me to be his friend when he knows how much he hurt me? Does he think everything is ok because he apologized and somehow I'm over it?
3. IF (big IF right now) Alan & I were to become/remain friends, do you think I would have to do most or all of the initial contacting or would he do some of it?
4. Do you think Alan would eventually want more if we were to become/remain friends even though he is saying he has no alterior motives?
5. And last but not least, why can't Alan completely let me go, Dr. P.?
Best regards,
Susan
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Oct 28, 2009 08:23PM
, Oct 28, 2009 08:23PM
Dear Susan,
Alan may think he can flit from woman to woman with no consequence. He may have that little insight.
He may indeed have no inkling that his behavior hurt you. After all, HE doesn't feel things so deeply!
If you were to remain "friends" you'd be a-waiting, and he'd be away most of the time, unless he felt like it, and then he'd come back and then disappear again to her, breaking your heart once once more.
Otherwise, I think I've addressed your questions in this morning's post.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Alan may think he can flit from woman to woman with no consequence. He may have that little insight.
He may indeed have no inkling that his behavior hurt you. After all, HE doesn't feel things so deeply!
If you were to remain "friends" you'd be a-waiting, and he'd be away most of the time, unless he felt like it, and then he'd come back and then disappear again to her, breaking your heart once once more.
Otherwise, I think I've addressed your questions in this morning's post.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Member Comments (2)
by mami1323, Oct 28, 2009 09:37AM
I think you are making this more than what it is. If you are so conflicted with your feelings of staying in Alan's life, than don't. There could be a million reasons for why he wants you there. He may like you as a person and enjoy talking to you, therefore, wants to stay in touch. He may want you as a booty call or back up in case his current relationship doesn't work. He may want to test the waters but still hold onto you for whatever reasons. I think Alan could answer your questions and frankly, if he's in a new relationship, I think you should just move on with your life without Alan. You're letting this consume you.
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