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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
Don't Want Sex with my Boyfriend.
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
Don't Want Sex with my Boyfriend.
by lonelygirl216, May 19, 2009 11:52PM
I have been with my current boyfriend for 4 years. I truly love him and cannot wait to have a family and home with him. The problem we have is that I never truly want to have sex or any other type of sexual relation with him. I feel as though every time he wants to initiate it, I feel as though I get a huge wave of anxiety coming over me. I usually just do it because even if I don't like it, he still has needs so I grudgingly go along with it. I really don't like it though. I want to push his hand away when he goes to touch me because when he touches me it's too rough. I've tried to show him what to do but he just doesn't remember it in the heat of the moment. Is this fixable? Our sexual relationship has been on the rocks for 2 years now. We've been trying and trying but nothing seems to work. He's always asking for it and half the time I just do it but I HATE it. I never get anything out of it. It's so frustrating. Everything about our relationship is perfect except this. How can I fix it??
-- LonelyGirl
-- LonelyGirl
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, May 20, 2009 02:55PM
, May 20, 2009 02:55PM
Dear Lonelygirl,
The name of the game is diagnosis. We have to figure out where the problem is; otherwise, we'll solve problems that aren't there. This will take some work on all our parts.
Here are some possible problem areas:
1.The simplest to fix is his touching you too roughly. First, you'll need to get his attention. This can be done by a conversation OUTSIDE they heat of sexual encounters, perhaps over coffee in the morning. If that doesn't work, I'd suggest either another man who understands women’s needs, or a meeting with a sex therapist. For a conversation on the topic, he's welcome to call me (617-308-6901). Some guys just don't understand how women work! If he balks altogether, you'll need to get serious, telling him it's a problem that MUST be addressed; otherwise, all bets are off, and many things he likes, as well!
2. You didn't tell me whether the sexual problem is limited to your particular man. Was it there with other lovers? If not, perhaps number one, above, is the answer, or perhaps there's something more complicated going on, such as your ambivalence toward him, anger, fear, or other emotions that you're out of touch with. Also, you seem to be saying that the sexual problems started two years ago, and that the relationship has been active for four years. So perhaps ask what happened two years ago? If the problems involve your particular man, you'll need to reach them yourself or seek out the help of a pro to help you understand and master them.
3. I always have to ask whether someone like yourself has a history of negative sexual relationships. Were there bad lovers who turned you off? Were you ever abused? Did you during your growing up years have negative models for enjoying sex ? If so, you'll need the help of a good psychotherapist, preferably female and free of the problem, to help you regain your enjoyment of men and their bodies. This particular answer is more likely if the sex problem is NOT limited to your particular man, and/or has been around for a long time.
4. Finally, your sexual chemistry may need some tweaking. Have you had a work up with a doctor, or discussed this with your gynecologist? People are simply different on the libido scale, and perhaps you could benefit from a medicine proven to work in that area. But don't assume this is the issue unless you've ruled out these other possibilities.
Please feel free to get back to me if there are more issues to consider.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
The name of the game is diagnosis. We have to figure out where the problem is; otherwise, we'll solve problems that aren't there. This will take some work on all our parts.
Here are some possible problem areas:
1.The simplest to fix is his touching you too roughly. First, you'll need to get his attention. This can be done by a conversation OUTSIDE they heat of sexual encounters, perhaps over coffee in the morning. If that doesn't work, I'd suggest either another man who understands women’s needs, or a meeting with a sex therapist. For a conversation on the topic, he's welcome to call me (617-308-6901). Some guys just don't understand how women work! If he balks altogether, you'll need to get serious, telling him it's a problem that MUST be addressed; otherwise, all bets are off, and many things he likes, as well!
2. You didn't tell me whether the sexual problem is limited to your particular man. Was it there with other lovers? If not, perhaps number one, above, is the answer, or perhaps there's something more complicated going on, such as your ambivalence toward him, anger, fear, or other emotions that you're out of touch with. Also, you seem to be saying that the sexual problems started two years ago, and that the relationship has been active for four years. So perhaps ask what happened two years ago? If the problems involve your particular man, you'll need to reach them yourself or seek out the help of a pro to help you understand and master them.
3. I always have to ask whether someone like yourself has a history of negative sexual relationships. Were there bad lovers who turned you off? Were you ever abused? Did you during your growing up years have negative models for enjoying sex ? If so, you'll need the help of a good psychotherapist, preferably female and free of the problem, to help you regain your enjoyment of men and their bodies. This particular answer is more likely if the sex problem is NOT limited to your particular man, and/or has been around for a long time.
4. Finally, your sexual chemistry may need some tweaking. Have you had a work up with a doctor, or discussed this with your gynecologist? People are simply different on the libido scale, and perhaps you could benefit from a medicine proven to work in that area. But don't assume this is the issue unless you've ruled out these other possibilities.
Please feel free to get back to me if there are more issues to consider.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
