I was married for 25 years, divorced in 1996 (46 yo) and have failed to capture the passion with any one. I remarried in 2004 but my wife is giving up on me because I lack the passion or desire to make her feel special. I was very conservative in my views and had only made love with two women. I have some numbness on the part of my organ but generally nothing seems to ignite the spark. After asking questions and getting treatment from urologists and psychiatrists, no one can offer me the next step. I have the inner desire to please my partner what is blocking it!
There are a thousand questions in this trickiest of areas. And your problem set as you present it is both complex and short on information. It will be necessary to CAREFULLY screen for possible answers as to what's going on.
I'd begin by taking a full physical and sexual history, in consultation with an expert in the field, probably a psychiatrist (no, it's not that you're somehow defective or nuts!). You may also want to consult an expert over on the Sexuality side of Medhelp.
You also want to understand such critical things as the duration of the problems, e.g. the lack of passion, numbness, etc.; it's different if it's long-standing vs. recent. Was the problem an issue in your previous marriage?
You have to understand these things from BOTH a physical AND a psychological point of view. I have no idea if you have an organic or a functional issue. Or both. If the latter, it may have to do with aging, or a testosterone problem, disease, or many other things out of my realm of expertise.
if you come to the point of clarity that your problem is psychological, i.e. some concern/anxiety that is numbing you or preventing you from functioning or having passion, I'd try to rule out a problem in the relationship itself. If this isn't an issue, I'd then do a round of psychotherapy, to discover why I was holding back. In that case, discovering the source of your inhibition would put you on the road to overcoming it.
Dear Dr. Pomerance.
Thank you for your response. I noticed that you have the passion for your work by the time and thought you give every answer for all of us in this forum.
To answer your question: My passion never faultered wtih my first wife. The first kiss was as good as the last some 25 years later. The problem did not surface until soon after the divorce (1996). My mother also died within a month of this critical time. I no longer have any deep feelings for my ex-wife nor do I harbor any negative feelings.
I agree, I have had a detailed physical exams also with three urologists. I have tried three different psychiatrists. I believe you struck a nerve when you said, holding back". I will pursue this avenue with another professional. Would I go to a general psychiatrist?
I'd find someone who understands BOTH sexual issues AND emotional ones, particularly in men. Suggest you ask around
among professionals until you find someone who fills the bill. Someone will say "Ah, so and so is the right person to see about that."
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