Hi, I don't know what to do about this anymore. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 1 year and 7 months now. We have had quite a few break-ups, but none were final and we continued seeing each other as before. During the last 6 months our relationship has improved considerably from an emotional perspective - he used to tell me he needs time before and that he cannot make a decision about us- now he tells me he wants us to get married, that he loves me, that I am what any man wants including himself...For my part, I've always been in love with him, right from the start and now I only love him more... We don't live together yet for objective reasons -- we live in a student campus, in separate rooms....-- The problem is that we have not had sex in 5 months. Sex= normal sex; we don't see each other too much since he is extremely involved in his business...he argues that he wants to make enough money to buy an apartament....Otherwise we speak on the phone a lot and send a lot of messages....when we end up in his car and he invariably gets hot and asks for oral ---I love giving it to him, it makes me hot too but...I've confronted him with this a lot of times now and I have become frustrated myself...I don't know how to convince him we have a serious problem....There is no other woman, of this I'm sure (for many reasons),. His problem is not even sexual since he clearly does not have any dysfunction...When I tell him that our situation is absurd he says everything will change once he buys that apartament. I am a pretty, young, blond, the right weight, a good body and I take a lot of care of myself...I see men looking at me in the street and I know I'm not the problem....I feel that oddly he is not interested in normal sex--- he tells me he is addicted to my oral, that he likes it too much. What can I do, it just drives me crazy that the man who tells me he loves me and that I am everything to him does not want me physically.
I don't know exactly what's going on with him, but it's clear that he has some inhibition around sex. I don't buy the idea that everything will change when he gets his own apartment. More likely, you'll never get to that stage. He needs to own the issue, then take steps to master it. The tip off is that with alcohol he allows himself his passion. if I understand correctly, THEN he wants “real” sex. It may be that it's about intimacy as opposed to sometimes sexual. Perhaps it would bring him “too close” to you, and generate frustration. Or perhaps the problem is more chronic, not situational but an ongoing problem for him. Was he like this with other women before you? What have his intimate relationships with women, beginning with his mother, been like?
If he's the kind of man you can talk to, maybe ask him, at a quiet day time, about the difference in his passion between his sober and drunk states. He may even not be aware of the difference! The idea is to get him to get a conversation going between the inhibited side of himself and the side that feels freer. What's holding him back? Fear of commitment symbolized by intercourse (or your nakedness)? Intimacy itself? If so, can he figure out where the problem is from?
I agree, the kind of love he's proposing is the love of the gods and saints, not the love of men and women. If he doesn't do something about it, I suspect that your relationship is headed nowhere. If it were me, I'd gradually and increasingly demand not that he instantly change, but that he explore, acknowledge, and confront the problem, and keep at it until it is resolved.
If he won't, you'll have to ask yourself whether it's worth sticking around. What's sure is that you deserve a great love life. I'd hate to see you let the issue slide for fear of confrontation or abandonment, then wind up deprived of it over a lifetime.
I didn't have enough space above, to actually ask the question: Why is this happening to him/us? Why would he lose his desire to have normal sex completly, while still having a sex drive? I feel that this is a mental/ emotional block somehow, but I don't know how to help him....I have been patient for a long time, I haven't said anything for 3 months or so....I thought it was an obvious thing we should have sex given the fact that our relationship is so good in other ways...But of late I am unable to control my own feelings and I keep getting depressed...I wanted to stop giving him oral for a while, but I find it is nearly impossible, it is like he is really addicted to this pattern of sexual behavior now...I have to say we did have good sex before, but never too often ---but I thought it was only because we had other problems to deal with...Now I can not understand what's going on with him...I also have to mention other things related to his sexual behavior: strangely enough he is never "ashamed", so to say of having oral sex but he seems to be conscious in other situations....one time, when we were in vacation, I went to sleep naked next to him at night...he would cover me up, asking me why I did this...and there are other tiny gestures that tell me he is not "free" when we are intimate...he also does not like kissing or has some other reason for not wanting to do it....ALL of this changes when he's had a few drinks- I love him then, he is just liberated somehow, he kisses me, he wants sex, touches me everywhere....well, very passionate...
Dear doctor, thank you so much for your answer. I can see that you are a wonderful doctor, I've also read some of your other replies and you actually relate to everyone. Well, as for me and my boyfried - he made a first step in what I hope is the right direction, although I am not sure yet if I should hope for change: 2 nights ago we spent a night together alone. And he actually wanted to have sex - unfortunately I was having my period and so nothing happened. My first reaction after so many nights was to reject him - I think because I was having my period and I was frustrated that I could not be with him...but then I came through and explained to him that why I could not do it just then and I gave him oral instead. I saw the look in his eyes when I pushed him away at first, he seemed genuinely hurt, not in in his pride but actually hurt, and then I apologized and told him the truth...For now, I do not know what to think, if there is actual hope for us or not...He's such a wonderful man, I love every inch of him and I am really afraid that maybe he will never really like sex (besides oral)...I keep wondering if his desire to have me then was real or if he only wanted to do it for me, because he knows how I feel....I think you are so right about trying to start a dialogue between his inhibited side and his more passionate side, but it's a really delicate issue...I can not come to a definte conclusion about him, I can not tell if he wants sex other than when he actually needs it physiologically... I feel that his turn on is definetly oral, I do not know if he ever fantasizes about everything else....And I guess I can not change that? Is it possible that his fixation with oral be something like a fetish, something that turns him on at any time, no matter the situation and something he can not help? Strangely enough, I feel that his desire for oral has increased progressively, so I don't know what to think anymore....I really love him and being near him turns me on so much, I like oral, but I want us to be able to have real, total physical contact... At the same time, it is also clear that he is inhibited many times...Do you think that oral could be like a fetish for him or could it be that he is inhibited as you said about being really intimate? Thank you! Luisa
You're going in the right direction. Stay with it!
A fetish of some sort? Maybe. But I'd bet on inhibition, based on what you told me.
I'm glad you told him the truth. Truth will out.
Don't assume that he isn't interested in vaginal sex or closeness. It looks like he's trying! Keep the issues in the open and be receptive to him after period time. He'll understand that your rejection of him recently was just a situational thing.
Yes, it's unclear if he's just trying to please, or if he really desires you. But it's time to gather data. if you let him feel comfortable with you, you'll find out the answer soon enough.
P.S. Many thanks for the kind words. They are meaningful to me!
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