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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
Husband is a Habitual Masturbator
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
Husband is a Habitual Masturbator
by Maxtor, Oct 18, 2009 10:55AM
My husband is a habitual masturbator to internet porn. Now I was ok with it...until I found out that after sex he goes back to masturbating to the porn. It doesn't matter what kind of porn either. I have confronted him on this once and tried to make my self clear that I do not like it. I understand men masturbate. But not after sex. It could be a half hour or more after sex. I have told him that i'm available anytime and any where. It doesn't seem to help. I can't trust him. I think he is doing it before work and in the middle of the night. Hell, he is doing it now. I caught him just this second.
I'm tired of being the one, in his words, that has a problem with sex and that I need to see someone. Is it just me...I have thought of getting one of those nanny programs but i'm afraid I will find out more than i want to know. I guess I should be thankful that right now he is doing it at home. But i'm waiting for the cops or a neighbor to come to me and say he's a real PERV.1
please advise if this is normal or should I leave him?
Wife of a Habitual Wanker.
I'm tired of being the one, in his words, that has a problem with sex and that I need to see someone. Is it just me...I have thought of getting one of those nanny programs but i'm afraid I will find out more than i want to know. I guess I should be thankful that right now he is doing it at home. But i'm waiting for the cops or a neighbor to come to me and say he's a real PERV.1
please advise if this is normal or should I leave him?
Wife of a Habitual Wanker.
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Oct 18, 2009 06:38PM
, Oct 18, 2009 06:38PM
Dear Maxtor,
Yes, it’s unusual, but not necessarily “perverted”. Odds are a camera will just get you disgusted, for no real reason. Men’s sexuality is vastly different from women’s, and NORMATIVELY sometimes seems vulgar to women. If you can document something REALLY perverse, then it’s in a whole different category.
One possibility is that it’s physical, that he doesn’t clear out the tubes via orgasm completely. Does he want to have sex a second time, and if so, do you? Another possibility is that there is something between you that hasn’t been working. If so, I have no idea what, but the most frequent thing with men is that the woman isn’t meeting the ideal the man had either in his head or, more recently, in the woman herself. And sometimes even the man himself doesn’t know what’s missing. NB: I’m not endorsing this phenomenon, just reporting.
Another possibility is that he’s under tension, separately from your relationship. Ask when it started, and what was/is going on the could increase his stress. Masturbation is frequently used by men as a tension reducer (yes, I know, often for women too!)
You may want to ask what it is that seems insufficient. Sometimes it can be a quite small thing, mode of dress (or undress) or the way of being together or touching. Sometimes these get lost in a marriage, and have to be re-discovered.
You might want to re-frame it for him: it’s not about problems with sex; it’s about the sense that the relationship is fulfilling; and about respect. Ask him how he would feel if he caught you masturbating after sex. Or if, asked about it, you said he “just wasn’t man enough” for you. Perhaps he’ll get the point.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
P.S. Feel free to get back to me if there’s more information that would be useful in clarifying the situation.
Yes, it’s unusual, but not necessarily “perverted”. Odds are a camera will just get you disgusted, for no real reason. Men’s sexuality is vastly different from women’s, and NORMATIVELY sometimes seems vulgar to women. If you can document something REALLY perverse, then it’s in a whole different category.
One possibility is that it’s physical, that he doesn’t clear out the tubes via orgasm completely. Does he want to have sex a second time, and if so, do you? Another possibility is that there is something between you that hasn’t been working. If so, I have no idea what, but the most frequent thing with men is that the woman isn’t meeting the ideal the man had either in his head or, more recently, in the woman herself. And sometimes even the man himself doesn’t know what’s missing. NB: I’m not endorsing this phenomenon, just reporting.
Another possibility is that he’s under tension, separately from your relationship. Ask when it started, and what was/is going on the could increase his stress. Masturbation is frequently used by men as a tension reducer (yes, I know, often for women too!)
You may want to ask what it is that seems insufficient. Sometimes it can be a quite small thing, mode of dress (or undress) or the way of being together or touching. Sometimes these get lost in a marriage, and have to be re-discovered.
You might want to re-frame it for him: it’s not about problems with sex; it’s about the sense that the relationship is fulfilling; and about respect. Ask him how he would feel if he caught you masturbating after sex. Or if, asked about it, you said he “just wasn’t man enough” for you. Perhaps he’ll get the point.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
P.S. Feel free to get back to me if there’s more information that would be useful in clarifying the situation.
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