I don't know what i want

after 8 years of being with my partner i feel its time to move on! After EIGHT years & two children i feel his heart is still not in it & mine always has been. I can't help feeling like this isnt meant for him because of his constant bad behaviour. When i entered the relationship he had no job (has been through 5 jobs, his last was 2 & a half years ago) & smoked pot. I fell pregnant not long after at 18 with our first child. I have ALWAYS worked & ALWAYS provided & paid the bills & taken very good care of our children. i love my children to bits & i can prooudly say that i know that they feel very loved by me. He has continued to smoke marijuana throughout the relationship & has had several episodes of methamphetamine use as well. he has lied about his drug habits, his porn habits, his whereabouts, bills, money, his jobs you name it! he says he lies cause he knows i'll be upset. I'm tired of feeling like i am the only one putting effort into this family & feeling like he uses me & is only here because what i provide enables him to do what he wants. i feel like as soon as we walk out the door in the morning hes online looking at porn or playing games! I come home the house hasnt been tidied & im left to cook tea etc i pay for EVERYTHING he pitches in 50 bucks!!!!! the rest goes on dope, porn & cigarettes. yes he is a nice guy & very polite & he does love his children but hes an ***#*^$ to me!!! i feel like im walking on egg shells worrying what next? whats he got up his sleeve. i've found tonns of porn hidden & on the net, last year i found beastiality & he had a profile on ****.com & the other week videos of young girls getting undressed in changing rooms & the like so its still going on. although I HATE him for hurting me & lying over & over, a part of me can't let go! yes we've had good times but more bad than good. I need some helpful advice. im lost, has anyone else suffered a similar situation, can it work?? or am i a fool to even try one more time?

[Shelly Bullard]

Hello. It definitely sounds like a really challenging situation. Here is the thing, if you continue to pay for things and stick around in this relationship while your partner does all this behavior that you don't like, then there is no reason for anything to change. Things don't change by continuing to do the same things that we've always done; things change when WE decide to make a change. Unfortunately, you cannot change him. But, you can change you. And that means, if you don't like the way it feels to be in this relationship, then perhaps you have to make some changes so you can get to a place that feels better again for you. Waiting around for him to change so you will feel better is not the answer. You must feel better first--whatever that is going to take. Like I said, we cannot change our partners. We can only change ourselves. So what you can do is take really good care of yourself; make whatever changes are necessary so you don't have to feel angry, bitter, and resentful anymore (forgiveness will probably have to be a part of this process). Only you can know what changes those are.

[TTinKKerBBell]

........and You love him why!!(????)

You've done this for 8 YEARS.....and You want to know "can it work!!(????)

You "HATE him for hurting You & lying over & over", "a part of You can't let go"  What are You "letting go" of!!????........... might it be:

"his heart is not in it"
"his constant bad behavior"
"his last job was 2 1/2 years ago"
"continues to smoke marijuana and espisodes of methamphetamine" use
"lies about his drug habits, porn habits, his whereabouts, bills, money,      his jobs, whatever"
"I'm the only one putting in effort, I feel used"...........
            and Your list goes on and on

So, I ask again......and You love him why????

There is good and bad in all Relationships but when the bad OUTWEIGHS the good, it's time to move on.

The bad here, is VERY, VERY bad!!.....but realize MOST OF ALL, You and He are "modeling" to Your Children - They are learning from You what to "expect" what to "live with" in a Marriage.  

You are a Strong Woman to have "dealt" with this so long.  Redirect Your Strength and do what's best for You AND Your Children.
Good Luck

[b_girl2000]

A good friend told me I'll only get what i settle for, i believe this to be true. i have settled and forgiven his behaviour over the years but how can you forget when history repeats itself? you can't. This time (when i found the rude hurtful stuff) i broke down and made him leave. later on we had the talk and cried saying he was sorry for hurting me & disappointing me all the time. He has issues Regarding his self-worth & not feeling good enough & rejected his life because his father was an alcoholic & physically  abused his mother & left him at 7 & never had much to do with him. he said that he's sorry his  negative feelings result in him treating me that way. he said he doesn't love himself & that he now understands in order to love me he needs to learn to love himself. i felt he was being genuine this time (I've seen him fake it) but i also feel that i cannot be there until he does because i feel like I'm putting myself at 'risk' of going through the same drama & if i withdraw myself without promising anything then we'll be better off. He has major issues obviously which he needs to work through & unfortunately as a result now i do also. TTinKKerBBell your right if i don't do something our children will end up with issues too! they are great little boys & our eldest understands why dad is not living within our family home at this time. I do not go into detail but enough to keep him in the loop.

[b_girl2000]

My own mother left my father for my dads friend when i was 11 so i had to grow up fast. my dad loved us kids unconditionally and no matter what we could always rely on him, he was an AMAZING man so of course i have high expectations of what a man and father should be like. I've always wondered if that's why i find it hard to walk away because i don't want to do what my mother did even though she left for another man she wasn't happy with my dad. My dad taught me how to love & i wonder if that's why i forgive my partner all the time & carry on like my love is unconditional but i know if i don't put a stop to it then i have to learn to live my life being hurt which I'm not prepared to do. Does anyone have any suggestions about help for me? i know i could do with some counselling. what about my kids? if they're happy do i need to do anything more for them. sorry i ramble i just have noone else to talk to. involving family is tricky. I also forgot to mention that when we had our talk he said he would still fight for me while he tries to get better because he wants ME, I'm thinking that separating myself is a good idea, no promises, but how do you do that?

[TTinKKerBBell]

Okay, so He had a painful ChildHood......so did You, so did I. We all have baggage and issues.  We're all born in a pit.  Some pits are deeper than others but our job is to climb out of the pit and be responsible for the ADULT we CHOOSE to be.  A poor ChildHood does not excuse bad or irresponsible behavior in an Adult.
Love is not supposed to hurt.  Marriages need love, trust, honor, respect and desire.  BOTH parties need to be lovABLE, trustWORTHY, honorABLE, respectABLE and desirABLE!!  If one of the persons stops being those things, or stops working to be those things, the marriage will suffer.
I think separating would be a good idea, no promises.  I would tell Him that You feel counseling is in order for Everyone (the Children too, They have been affected too) and I would just suggest You both wait until You've had counseling before You make a decision about Your future.  
and at that point if You decide to share Your future with One Another, then Couples Counseling would probably be in order.
Good Luck.
I hope You'll keep us posted on how things are.

[b_girl2000]

so we hadnt seen him for 3 days. Today he wanted to come around to grab some things and he got angry because my mood has changed, first i was hurt (he knew that) then after we talked we were civil and now ive decided i cant be around him and be nice or friendly otherwise i'll fall into that trap again. I'll answer his questions and what not and he asked me why i was being mean!!!! and he responded "is it like this now???" , i explained that i couldnt do this with him and i needed to separate myself, he got very annoyed and then we didnt speak and he left. I doubt he'll show his face or call for some time, days maybe even weeks like history before. thats what he does, when he cant have me, he shuts the kids out too because " it hurts too much seeing them and not being able to see me", that i find EXTREMELY selfish and it hurts me that he'd do that to our kids but realistically what can i do?? nothing just carry on and be a good mother. hopefully this time is different and he makes the effort for the boys. Him shutting out his children and their feelings and needs because of his own is yet another negative feeling to bottle up with the rest that i feel about him ARGH so selfish. He's acted like this before and i've told him over and over just ask for the boys and i'll drop them to you but he rarely does and so i wouldnt even bother offering that this time because he knows hes welcome to them whenever he wants to see them so why should i even have to remind him of that. I've shut my mouth this time, we'll wait and see i spose......

[TTinKKerBBell]

b_girl200
You say when He can't have You He shuts the kids out too!!??  How very, very sad for those Children that  He is using that statement to control You!!   You are right - that is EXTREMELY Selfish Behavior on His part!! and VERY immature!! (more SELFISH than immature, as I believe He knows that it is His Childen He is hurting!! - He doesn't care as much about them as what HE wants!!  It's not about Them - it's about HIM!!) He's trying to put it on You, that YOU are the reason He doesn't see His Children.  That's really, really sad - because ALL the rest of us realize He is being a  "waste out" to say that and we all know He's full of "You Know What" - He's willing to risk His Children's Well Being and Their Self Worth in order to have Control Over You.  AND YOU CAN TELL HIM I GET THIS - I KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING!!  and I hope You realize it too.

[manderz93]

Hi my name is Amanda i just wanted to say I'm sorry! I am in your situation word for word except we have 1 daughter together i know exactly how it feels i want better but i can't let go and i read your post and felt like i was reading my life! If you have left him please give me an update on it cause maybe your strength will give me strength to help me go! I'm tired if being screamed at lied to left behind and controlled please inspire me!