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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
Is it to late for me and my husband?
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
Is it to late for me and my husband?
by scarredone, Oct 16, 2009 05:27PM
Hi there. I am married to an alcoholic. Both he and I are BP. His drinking almost killed him. Last year he was in the hospital due to Pancreatitis. He was in a coma like state for three months. He was doing great after he got out. In the past few months he has started to drink to excess again. All day, every day. He spent all his weekly money on alcohol, so we had no groceries. I said it's the alcohol or me. He told me to get the F*&%# out. I didn't want to, but I told him that I couldn't stay there and watch him kill himself. His drinking was affecting my depression and making me suicidal. He says he loves me but he's not in love with me. Leaving him was the hardest thing I ever did. He is my best friend. I miss him so much it hurts. I think about him every minute of every day. I cry all the time. I don't know how to live my life without him. Will he come to his senses? Will we be able to work things out?
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Oct 17, 2009 09:47AM
, Oct 17, 2009 09:47AM
Dear Scarredone,
It’s so complicated a situation, that I can’t say much of use without hearing more. Perhaps you’ll give me more info, including how old the two of you are, and I can respond better.
That said, it sounds like he’s out of control. So either he’ll drink himself to death, the people around him will do an intervention and get him to a serious rehab and AA based program, or he’ll just drift and MAYBE hit bottom and bounce up before he does himself in. We can’t know in advance whether he’ll make it.
As for you, if you’ve tried all the usual things, you’ll need to decide FOR YOURSELF whether you want to go down with him, or save yourself. It sounds like such a toxic environment/situation that staying there seems akin to a long sentence in a Turkish jail. Or worse. Even Mother Teresa probably wouldn’t stick around!
So it sounds like leaving has been the appropriate thing to do.
If I were you, I’d get some serious pro help with the longer term decision, and planning, assuming you decide to save yourself and get unglued from him. You darn well DO need to learn to live your life as an independent person. It’s part of you growing up, part of your understanding how you got involved with him in the first place, and part of your mastering your BP. If you truly love him don’t worry, if he lives you’ll be able to come back.
But right now, there’s clearly no guy there to come back to.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
It’s so complicated a situation, that I can’t say much of use without hearing more. Perhaps you’ll give me more info, including how old the two of you are, and I can respond better.
That said, it sounds like he’s out of control. So either he’ll drink himself to death, the people around him will do an intervention and get him to a serious rehab and AA based program, or he’ll just drift and MAYBE hit bottom and bounce up before he does himself in. We can’t know in advance whether he’ll make it.
As for you, if you’ve tried all the usual things, you’ll need to decide FOR YOURSELF whether you want to go down with him, or save yourself. It sounds like such a toxic environment/situation that staying there seems akin to a long sentence in a Turkish jail. Or worse. Even Mother Teresa probably wouldn’t stick around!
So it sounds like leaving has been the appropriate thing to do.
If I were you, I’d get some serious pro help with the longer term decision, and planning, assuming you decide to save yourself and get unglued from him. You darn well DO need to learn to live your life as an independent person. It’s part of you growing up, part of your understanding how you got involved with him in the first place, and part of your mastering your BP. If you truly love him don’t worry, if he lives you’ll be able to come back.
But right now, there’s clearly no guy there to come back to.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
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