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Marriage in point of breaking/Searching for solution (Part 1)
Dear Doctor,
Thank you for taking out your time in giving suggestions to me.
A brief over view about myself:
1. For middle school and high school (6th grade onwards in India - School in India is till 12th grade equal to high school graduation) I was sent to stay with my cousins. Earlier I lived with my parents. They visited me occasionally. I stay in the Hills while they stayed in New Delhi. Here I had a major breakup with a girl in 9th grade and I was depressed. I decided from there on that I will be the one to end relationships and they will be of short duration only.
3. I went to a boarding school in India (in 11th grade) and had a lot of issues with my classmates there. I came back mid way of 11th grade and went back to stay with my parents. My father considered me a failure and I had arguments with him. 4. After completing my 11th grade - I got the option to go study in Switzerland where I completed my high school diploma. I had a few relationships here but again they were of short duration and I was the one to break it up.
5. I went to study engineering in California. I met girls and was physically involved with them. I kept having short relationships but nothing serious or long term. The maximum they lasted with each girl was 3-4 months.
6. My final year I had a girlfriend for 5-6 months but I had to return to India so we could not be in touch.
7. In India I met a girl - we became sex friends - no strings attached again nothing serious. I started working in a "small sleep town" up north.
8. My family got me engaged to a girl. Sex with her was fine and we liked each other. But I felt I that I was still into other girls. And she was not totally willing at first to move with me to that "small sleep town." We had a fight - parents got involved and the relationship broke up.
Thank you for taking out your time in giving suggestions to me.
A brief over view about myself:
1. For middle school and high school (6th grade onwards in India - School in India is till 12th grade equal to high school graduation) I was sent to stay with my cousins. Earlier I lived with my parents. They visited me occasionally. I stay in the Hills while they stayed in New Delhi. Here I had a major breakup with a girl in 9th grade and I was depressed. I decided from there on that I will be the one to end relationships and they will be of short duration only.
3. I went to a boarding school in India (in 11th grade) and had a lot of issues with my classmates there. I came back mid way of 11th grade and went back to stay with my parents. My father considered me a failure and I had arguments with him. 4. After completing my 11th grade - I got the option to go study in Switzerland where I completed my high school diploma. I had a few relationships here but again they were of short duration and I was the one to break it up.
5. I went to study engineering in California. I met girls and was physically involved with them. I kept having short relationships but nothing serious or long term. The maximum they lasted with each girl was 3-4 months.
6. My final year I had a girlfriend for 5-6 months but I had to return to India so we could not be in touch.
7. In India I met a girl - we became sex friends - no strings attached again nothing serious. I started working in a "small sleep town" up north.
8. My family got me engaged to a girl. Sex with her was fine and we liked each other. But I felt I that I was still into other girls. And she was not totally willing at first to move with me to that "small sleep town." We had a fight - parents got involved and the relationship broke up.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Chill,
I agree with Meral that you do have to find your own way. The various engagements at the behest of others sometimes prevent people from doing so.
Being free of them can keep you from wasting time, and at 27 this is starting to become an important factor.
But what will happen once you re-set the clock? Where do you go from here? How do you keep from making similar mistakes? I think you need to screen yourself for ongoing personal conflicts that might predispose you to bad future relationships. Why? Because personal psychological turmoil gets played out in close relationships, and also because when we've had turmoil with people close to us, oddly enough we tend to choose people
who will re-create that original drama, rather than choosing people who will prevent that recreation. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it has proven over and over to be true.
I say "screen yourself" because it may be that you have no such conflicts, no unfinished business from relationships with parents and others who have been close to you during your growing up years; and no trauma. But if it were me, I'd take a hard, objective look and see. If there were problems, they could, now and in the future, make trouble in major ways.
I'd look to issues with parents, for sure. Why were you sent to live with cousins? What was it like to not be with them, both at 6th grade and later, at boarding school? I'd guess it was either tough, because you missed them, or that you wanted to be away because there was conflict when they were there. And you're a "failure" at 17?! What did these experiences teach you about how rewarding close relationships would be?
If you have a major "void" what's it about? If you're spending too much time "chilling with a bong" ask yourself why, what feelings might you be trying to avoid? And where might those feelings have their roots? If you sense there's something there, but it's confusing, don't be shy about getting a professional to help clarify things, and perhaps guide you.
Chill, if there really is no issue other than the one with the women you mention, that's great. Just learn what kind of woman really does it for you, and learn enough about her before you get serious that you'll have a relationship that's genuinely gratifying. But if there is something about people or women in general that keeps you from feeling cordial and at peace with them, even the "right' ones, learn about the roots of the problem before you either get permanently grouchy or permanently turned off.
Feel free to get back to me if there is more to discuss.
Cordially,
Dr. P.
I agree with Meral that you do have to find your own way. The various engagements at the behest of others sometimes prevent people from doing so.
Being free of them can keep you from wasting time, and at 27 this is starting to become an important factor.
But what will happen once you re-set the clock? Where do you go from here? How do you keep from making similar mistakes? I think you need to screen yourself for ongoing personal conflicts that might predispose you to bad future relationships. Why? Because personal psychological turmoil gets played out in close relationships, and also because when we've had turmoil with people close to us, oddly enough we tend to choose people
who will re-create that original drama, rather than choosing people who will prevent that recreation. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it has proven over and over to be true.
I say "screen yourself" because it may be that you have no such conflicts, no unfinished business from relationships with parents and others who have been close to you during your growing up years; and no trauma. But if it were me, I'd take a hard, objective look and see. If there were problems, they could, now and in the future, make trouble in major ways.
I'd look to issues with parents, for sure. Why were you sent to live with cousins? What was it like to not be with them, both at 6th grade and later, at boarding school? I'd guess it was either tough, because you missed them, or that you wanted to be away because there was conflict when they were there. And you're a "failure" at 17?! What did these experiences teach you about how rewarding close relationships would be?
If you have a major "void" what's it about? If you're spending too much time "chilling with a bong" ask yourself why, what feelings might you be trying to avoid? And where might those feelings have their roots? If you sense there's something there, but it's confusing, don't be shy about getting a professional to help clarify things, and perhaps guide you.
Chill, if there really is no issue other than the one with the women you mention, that's great. Just learn what kind of woman really does it for you, and learn enough about her before you get serious that you'll have a relationship that's genuinely gratifying. But if there is something about people or women in general that keeps you from feeling cordial and at peace with them, even the "right' ones, learn about the roots of the problem before you either get permanently grouchy or permanently turned off.
Feel free to get back to me if there is more to discuss.
Cordially,
Dr. P.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Chill,
I understand you believe that your early relationships were just fine. And maybe they were, and had no effect on your ability/desire to get close to people now, as an adult. However, I don't understand what all the problems were between your parents, if that was the case. Problems at work would lead to embarrassment? And what happened that you weren't raised by your bio parents? Maybe such questions are irrelevant - and maybe not.
Everything else you mention seems related to the kind of experimentation and sorting out that we all have to go through as young adults. That includes the confusion about women: if you haven't made love with them, you don't know a key fact about them; and if you have, you risk your interest waning. All men have that issue. But if early relationships were good, they ultimately come to terms with it.
In that regard, I don't know the word "saturing". Maturing? Saturating?
What is clear is that if you find yourself REPEATEDLY either picking women who have problems or don't have them but you flee anyway, on impulse, then you know there's something going on with you and women. Please monitor yourself as you go on for this. What do you feel for the women at each stage? I've known so many men who didn't do this self-observation, had some issues that stayed buried, and simply believed they just "never found the right one" and were unhappily alone at 40, 50, 60. Don't be one of them!
Cordially,
Dr. P.
I understand you believe that your early relationships were just fine. And maybe they were, and had no effect on your ability/desire to get close to people now, as an adult. However, I don't understand what all the problems were between your parents, if that was the case. Problems at work would lead to embarrassment? And what happened that you weren't raised by your bio parents? Maybe such questions are irrelevant - and maybe not.
Everything else you mention seems related to the kind of experimentation and sorting out that we all have to go through as young adults. That includes the confusion about women: if you haven't made love with them, you don't know a key fact about them; and if you have, you risk your interest waning. All men have that issue. But if early relationships were good, they ultimately come to terms with it.
In that regard, I don't know the word "saturing". Maturing? Saturating?
What is clear is that if you find yourself REPEATEDLY either picking women who have problems or don't have them but you flee anyway, on impulse, then you know there's something going on with you and women. Please monitor yourself as you go on for this. What do you feel for the women at each stage? I've known so many men who didn't do this self-observation, had some issues that stayed buried, and simply believed they just "never found the right one" and were unhappily alone at 40, 50, 60. Don't be one of them!
Cordially,
Dr. P.
Dear Dr. P -
Thank you for your advice.
Few points of clarification:
My name - Chillwithabong - doesn't in anyway symbolize me as a weed-addict. The name was a result of just creative thinking and has no other semblence in my life. I would have shared with you if I had a drug problem.
My parents made me move in with my cousins when I was in 6th grade (their reason to me was: that they were having some problems at work and did not want me to witness any embarassing scenes). I can share with you that my current parents are not my biological parents (I am son of my father's brother) - but my current father has shown and given me a lot of love - eventhough I was in boarding school in Europe and later in college in USA. But we did not live together-together.
I am a social person and have made friends in all the places where I was - so I would like you to know that I am an outgoing guy. But when it came to my first engagement relationship (which got broken - I liked the girl and we were physically attracted to one another - but her parents and mine had issues so things didn't work out). For my marriage I can say - I wasn't persay attracted to the girl because she was more of a friend to me but went ahead with it thinking that maybe with time I will feel love for her. Her revelation (after we got engaged) that she was getting over her past and things will take time - made me reproach my feeling for her and I lost my physical attraction to her. She has some anger issues too and is not happy living in a "small town."
The other problem I think (after self analysis I have come across) is that - Maybe because I was earlier with multiple women - I could be saturing in my relationships, after having sex, with those women for 4-5 months. And then I maybe looking to escape. I hope I do not get stuck in a pattern as then I will never have serious relationships. Should I avoid any sex with any prospective woman until I am serious with her? What other exercise do you suggest will help me move on in the right direction? My current marriage is definitely broken and now I am looking at the future.
Thank you for your advice.
Few points of clarification:
My name - Chillwithabong - doesn't in anyway symbolize me as a weed-addict. The name was a result of just creative thinking and has no other semblence in my life. I would have shared with you if I had a drug problem.
My parents made me move in with my cousins when I was in 6th grade (their reason to me was: that they were having some problems at work and did not want me to witness any embarassing scenes). I can share with you that my current parents are not my biological parents (I am son of my father's brother) - but my current father has shown and given me a lot of love - eventhough I was in boarding school in Europe and later in college in USA. But we did not live together-together.
I am a social person and have made friends in all the places where I was - so I would like you to know that I am an outgoing guy. But when it came to my first engagement relationship (which got broken - I liked the girl and we were physically attracted to one another - but her parents and mine had issues so things didn't work out). For my marriage I can say - I wasn't persay attracted to the girl because she was more of a friend to me but went ahead with it thinking that maybe with time I will feel love for her. Her revelation (after we got engaged) that she was getting over her past and things will take time - made me reproach my feeling for her and I lost my physical attraction to her. She has some anger issues too and is not happy living in a "small town."
The other problem I think (after self analysis I have come across) is that - Maybe because I was earlier with multiple women - I could be saturing in my relationships, after having sex, with those women for 4-5 months. And then I maybe looking to escape. I hope I do not get stuck in a pattern as then I will never have serious relationships. Should I avoid any sex with any prospective woman until I am serious with her? What other exercise do you suggest will help me move on in the right direction? My current marriage is definitely broken and now I am looking at the future.
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