Hello. I am recently divorced. I am a female. Immediately after my ex husband moved out, I moved in with my now current boyfriend because he made me feel happy again, and I was tired of crying. However, lately, all that I have been able to do is cry. I'm crying because I am depressed. I am depressed about the failure of my marriage. I am trying to talk to my boyfriend about being upset and how all I need is his love and hugs. I basically need affection, but instead he tells me that I need to be more independent, that when he was going through something tough, he spet lots of time alone, watches TV in the other room, and tells me that he will not always be there for me to cheer me up. I know that he meant physically, but I wanted to hear, " I will always be there for you, no matter what." Is this too much to ask for? Am I just too emotional?
Yes, that is too much to ask. Because it isn't true. No one person can be there for us all the time. It is not possible. And when we ask people to do that and they know that they cannot, it puts a ton of pressure on them and they usually back away from us.
Your boyfriend sounds overwhelmed by your grief, and that makes sense because you are overwhelmed with your grief too. It sounds like for a moment in time he was able to distract you from your grief, and the relief felt good, but now you are grieving again.
Here's the thing--people can't fix us. You went through a divorce; you are going to grieve the loss. Your boyfriend cannot fix that and nor should you make him try. It quite a lot to ask your partner. And it's a setup for failure, because he can't do it.
My best advice is for you to seek counseling. There you will have a space to heal from the loss. When we do not properly grieve our feelings do not just disappear. Many people make the mistake of jumping into a new relationship after a loss to try and feel better, only to find that the feelings of grief still exist. Grieving is not easy, but it is the path to learning to love again in a genuine way. Seek outside help and you definitely will get through this. Good luck.
Love the one your with honey, your boyfriend is not too sympathetic about this because your missing and mourning the loss of another man and he was hoping that this new direction you've taken with him would be enough for you to move forward, maybe? He's probably quite confused why this should be happening to him, and doesn't appreciate it. He's probably wondering if your relationship with him is even viable, if your grief continues unchecked.
As such, i too think that you should take the pressure off this new guy in your life, and talk to a professional. Give him a break, and enjoy the new memories, actively make new memories honey, it's how we move on. Trust me on this, i've been around that block.
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