Aa
My boyfriend...
I think I need to make things more clear. In my last post, I spoke of my boyfriend's behavior. He can be really mean and rude sometimes, and then he can be the sweetest guy in the world. I think he needs help himself. Even though he's a bully sometimes, I don't put up with it. He does hurt my feelings though. The thing is I know what kind of person he is. At heart, he is very compassionate and loving, and would do anything for anybody. I believe he is seriously bipolar. He has classic symptoms. He has highs and lows, gets randomly high energy, and is a compulsive spender. He can't stand to have extra money. He also gets irritable really easy. Whenever something bothers him, he goes overboard with his reaction. If i were in a crowded, noisy room, I'd just walk to a less crowded part of the room. If he were in a crowded, noisy room, he'd start yelling and shoving people out of his way as he leaves the building. There is no building up to it. He will be fine, and then will suddenly let out a yell and stomp out. His family also adds to it. His mom was very strict when he was growing up, and never let him be a regular teenager. He wasn't allowed out past 10:30 on weekends, and couldn't stay the night with friends because she was worried he would be too tired for church on sunday. She also gave Tyler's grandmother parental authority over him, which made it worse. Of course, since he is older, they can't bother him, but every time we see them they spend the whole time griping about how he doesn't go to church enough. It just gets him in a mood, which usually gets taken out on me. We just found out that he also has high blood pressure, so that probably adds to it. He doesn't want to see a doctor, and his family won't help. They just think he needs more church and sleep, even though he sleeps more than any person I've ever met. I want to know how to really get through to him and get him to see that he has a serious problem that needs medical attention and medicine.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Kyndel,
I'll discuss the overall problem. I don't think the specifics of Tyler's background are the most important issues here. He seems to have a chemical imbalance.
There's a spectrum of people with bi-polar illness. There's one spectrum is on severity, but there's another one on willingness to get help.
Here some references, helpful hints, really, off the web.
1.Convincing a person with bipolar disorder to see a doctor – from
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_family_friends_support.htm
Aside from offering emotional support, the best way to help someone with bipolar disorder is by encouraging and supporting treatment. However, people with bipolar disorder tend to lack insight into their condition, so it’s not always easy to get them to a doctor. When they’re manic, they feel great and don’t realize there’s a problem. When they’re depressed, they may recognize something’s wrong, but lack the energy to seek help.
If your loved one won’t acknowledge the possibility of bipolar disorder, don’t argue about it. The idea may be frightening to the person, so be sensitive. Suggest a routine medical checkup instead, or a doctor’s visit for a specific symptom, such as insomnia, irritability, or fatigue (you can call ahead to tell the doctor of your bipolar disorder concerns).
Things you can say that might help:
Bipolar disorder is a real illness, like diabetes. It requires medical treatment.
You’re not to blame for bipolar disorder. You didn’t cause it. It’s not your fault.
You can feel better. There are many treatments that can help.
When bipolar disorder isn’t treated, it usually gets worse.
2. See also the information at bipolar.com. There are many more sites, some of which may be quite valuable as a source of ideas.
Kyndel, beyond this kind of boilerplate, trying to get a bi-polar person to get help can be an exhausting and even an ultimately thankless task. You'll have to decide how much you want to put up with. If Tyler is around the extreme high end of the bi-polar spectrum, and won't get help, you're in for one hell of a ride. If so, I'd be very careful. I've seen loved ones of seriously bi-polar people give up their youth and even their whole lives trying to turn the bi-polar person around. To me, this is somewhat nuts, and very sad. But it's an individual decision.
So you have some real assessment and thinking to do concerning both your dedication and the extent of his illness. Do a lot of reading, including biographies of famous bi-polar people. They or their biographers often write up their stories. Talk to Tyler’s doctor, if he has one. Perhaps he can help Tyler simply stabilize his moods, without diagnosing him formally. And if he balks at “owning” his illness, perhaps he'll be willing to read about it, to see if the diagnosis really fits. Sometimes people will acknowledge their situation when they see their own behavior in the lives of others.
There are also good self-help groups, if he'll realize what he's going through. And the current meds are often very effective. Also, if he has a friend who's bi-polar, perhaps that person could talk to him.
He needs to understand that the problem is real, and not going to go away on its own, but far from fatal. It was horribly untreatable before about 1970 (advent of Lithium) but now it's a different world. Don't forget that without treatment he'll probably get worse before he gets better, all other thing being equal. Bi-polar folks don't peak in their pathology for a few adult decades at least. The good news is that they tend to wind down on symptoms as they get older; unfortunately, by then, extensive damage is often done both to themselves and the people around them.
Last but not least, dig deep into your own values and motivations. What do you want in life? What are you willing to give up to get it? Just make sure you remove your love for and relationship with Tyler from the equation when you ask these questions. They are “trees” and you're looking to get a view of the "forest".
It may be that everyone around Tyler can do a genuine Intervention, just like the television cable show. Sometimes this really works. There's nothing like seeing everyone you love and respect telling you they know what's going on, and that they'll stay with you if you'll only get the help you need.
Unfortunately,as with alcoholics, some bi-polar people continue to deny, and have to crash before they wake up and get help. Also, sometimes they have to experience their loved ones bailing out on them as part of this process. I very much hope Tyler isn't one of them.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
I'll discuss the overall problem. I don't think the specifics of Tyler's background are the most important issues here. He seems to have a chemical imbalance.
There's a spectrum of people with bi-polar illness. There's one spectrum is on severity, but there's another one on willingness to get help.
Here some references, helpful hints, really, off the web.
1.Convincing a person with bipolar disorder to see a doctor – from
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_family_friends_support.htm
Aside from offering emotional support, the best way to help someone with bipolar disorder is by encouraging and supporting treatment. However, people with bipolar disorder tend to lack insight into their condition, so it’s not always easy to get them to a doctor. When they’re manic, they feel great and don’t realize there’s a problem. When they’re depressed, they may recognize something’s wrong, but lack the energy to seek help.
If your loved one won’t acknowledge the possibility of bipolar disorder, don’t argue about it. The idea may be frightening to the person, so be sensitive. Suggest a routine medical checkup instead, or a doctor’s visit for a specific symptom, such as insomnia, irritability, or fatigue (you can call ahead to tell the doctor of your bipolar disorder concerns).
Things you can say that might help:
Bipolar disorder is a real illness, like diabetes. It requires medical treatment.
You’re not to blame for bipolar disorder. You didn’t cause it. It’s not your fault.
You can feel better. There are many treatments that can help.
When bipolar disorder isn’t treated, it usually gets worse.
2. See also the information at bipolar.com. There are many more sites, some of which may be quite valuable as a source of ideas.
Kyndel, beyond this kind of boilerplate, trying to get a bi-polar person to get help can be an exhausting and even an ultimately thankless task. You'll have to decide how much you want to put up with. If Tyler is around the extreme high end of the bi-polar spectrum, and won't get help, you're in for one hell of a ride. If so, I'd be very careful. I've seen loved ones of seriously bi-polar people give up their youth and even their whole lives trying to turn the bi-polar person around. To me, this is somewhat nuts, and very sad. But it's an individual decision.
So you have some real assessment and thinking to do concerning both your dedication and the extent of his illness. Do a lot of reading, including biographies of famous bi-polar people. They or their biographers often write up their stories. Talk to Tyler’s doctor, if he has one. Perhaps he can help Tyler simply stabilize his moods, without diagnosing him formally. And if he balks at “owning” his illness, perhaps he'll be willing to read about it, to see if the diagnosis really fits. Sometimes people will acknowledge their situation when they see their own behavior in the lives of others.
There are also good self-help groups, if he'll realize what he's going through. And the current meds are often very effective. Also, if he has a friend who's bi-polar, perhaps that person could talk to him.
He needs to understand that the problem is real, and not going to go away on its own, but far from fatal. It was horribly untreatable before about 1970 (advent of Lithium) but now it's a different world. Don't forget that without treatment he'll probably get worse before he gets better, all other thing being equal. Bi-polar folks don't peak in their pathology for a few adult decades at least. The good news is that they tend to wind down on symptoms as they get older; unfortunately, by then, extensive damage is often done both to themselves and the people around them.
Last but not least, dig deep into your own values and motivations. What do you want in life? What are you willing to give up to get it? Just make sure you remove your love for and relationship with Tyler from the equation when you ask these questions. They are “trees” and you're looking to get a view of the "forest".
It may be that everyone around Tyler can do a genuine Intervention, just like the television cable show. Sometimes this really works. There's nothing like seeing everyone you love and respect telling you they know what's going on, and that they'll stay with you if you'll only get the help you need.
Unfortunately,as with alcoholics, some bi-polar people continue to deny, and have to crash before they wake up and get help. Also, sometimes they have to experience their loved ones bailing out on them as part of this process. I very much hope Tyler isn't one of them.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
This sounds like my fiance and I've been pondering on the bi-polar disorder myself. I swear he is because he's very much up and down as well. I feel like his disorder contributed to his affair. When he's in a good mood, he's so fun to be around but when he's in a bad mood, he's unbearable. Nothing I do is right, he basically makes me feel like I annoy him. He sleeps all of the time. Sunday he slept all day long after sleeping a good 7 hours all night. He napped for like 3 hours and then when I left him with our son to go take a shower, he fell asleep while he was supposed to be watching him. That's when I realized there was a problem. He also has a short fuse and hates when people look at him or bump into him. I told him the other day that I think he needs medication and to seek therapy on his own but he doesn't believe he has a problem. When you figure out how you are going to help your bf please let me know.
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