Hello. I am a teacher who is 29 years old. I am going throught a divorce. This past week has been the biggest mess ever. I had an affair on my husband. When he left, only a few months ago, the affair was still going on. I left the man that I was having an affair with because I instantly understood that it would never work. You see, he is a criminal and convicted sex offender. My parents would never accept him. But for some reason, I felt that I loved him. I really did. However, my marriage is ending because of all of my mistakes, so I decide that he is toxic for me and forge ahead dating more suitable men. I meet someone online. Problem again. He is cute, and I like him, but he has no place to live and no job. I let him move in with me. For a while, it made me happy. He made me happy. I felt like I forgot about my divorce and my affair and the man I had the affair with. Then, all of the sudden, like a switch was flipped, I started getting more and more depressed. I missed two Fridays of work in a row. I cry all of the time. In a desperate attempt to stop my tears, I contacted the ex affair guy who basically told me he would never forgive me again. That I had hurt him too badly. I slept with him Thursday and Friday, too. But he still said he did not want me. So, feeling so depressed, I told my now boyfriend the truth. I told him I wanted to break up with him because I was still in love with my ex. Just to remind you, he is a sex offender and violent man. What is wrong with me? Then, I went back to my boyfriend who is now currently my ex boyfriend and apologized and told him that I did not mean it. I remembered all the great things he has done. But, the fact remains that he seemed unphased thet I wanted to break up with him in the first place. Why am I so ****** up? Again, I am alone. I do not have the money for counseling, so please do not tell me to do that. I am a teacher who is divorcing. No funds for counseling.
You are medicating with men (please read my blog on my website: shellybullard.com). You are numbing out your grief from the loss of your relationships with men. This will not work in the long run. You actually have to feel your feelings.
All of the running around from man to man is an attempt to not feel bad. To put it bluntly, you are using them like one would use drugs. And, I get why you are doing that. Grief and loss can be unbearable feeling to feel. But you have to feel them if you are going to move through and move on.
Furthermore, it sounds like your choices with men are a little bit dangerous. That shows me the amount of desperation you are feeling. You say don't tell you to find counseling but it is really something important you should consider--perhaps you can find a low fee clinic where you live. If you can't afford counseling, then you must gather your support system while you grieve. Because it is going to be hard. These feelings are not easy, which is why you are running away from them, but that is causing you a ton more pain.
Feel your feelings, come back to yourself, heal, and when you are more grounded and less afraid, then start making decisions about who you are going to let into your life.
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