Member Comments are provided by individuals and reflect their personal opinions only. Under NO circumstances should you act on any advice or opinion posted in this forum. ALWAYS check with your personal physician before taking any action regarding your health! MedHelp International and our partners, sponsors and affiliates have no obligation to monitor any comments posted on this site, or the content and/or accuracy of such exchanges. MedHelp International does not endorse the views of any user.
Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
Only in the relationship for 8 months, been broken up for a year.. Now I'm being stalked by a nutty 41 yr old who claims he still loves me?
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
Only in the relationship for 8 months, been broken up for a year.. Now I'm being stalked by a nutty 41 yr old who claims he still loves me?
by Sweet_boredom, Mar 07, 2009 08:55PM
I broke up with this guy after 8 months because I found out he lied about several important aspects of his life to me continually (including his real age). That was just about a year ago. Since then, he has been stalking me, harrassing me, harrassing my friends and family. He even got ahold of my ex-husbands address and had a lovely (I'd imagine) conversation with my ex-mother-in-law. I've gone to the police but he is a very manipulative person, I've filed an order of protection, but because he lives 100 miles away out of state it can't be served to him.
My question is, sorry for the ranting, what could possibly make a man act like this for a year after a relationship ends? I've tried ignoring him completely for months on end, but thats when he'll come knocking on my window at 3 in the morning. I've tried reasoning with him, but he seems to be lacking common sense, and any type of abilty to see things from anything other than his own perspective. I dont know what to do at this point, and since my dad just passed away a week ago (I was his caretaker for his last year) the calls and the messages and the harrassment has been non-stop again. I can't do this right now. I just can't deal with this. My dad just died. How can I make someone like this just stop?
My question is, sorry for the ranting, what could possibly make a man act like this for a year after a relationship ends? I've tried ignoring him completely for months on end, but thats when he'll come knocking on my window at 3 in the morning. I've tried reasoning with him, but he seems to be lacking common sense, and any type of abilty to see things from anything other than his own perspective. I dont know what to do at this point, and since my dad just passed away a week ago (I was his caretaker for his last year) the calls and the messages and the harrassment has been non-stop again. I can't do this right now. I just can't deal with this. My dad just died. How can I make someone like this just stop?
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Mar 09, 2009 06:08PM
, Mar 09, 2009 06:08PM
Dear Sweet Boredom,
I take stalking very seriously, and I'm sure you do, too. Your description of your situation isn't ranting at all. It's critical information.
It's important to distinguish between a stalker who's a pain, and one who's dangerous, one who’s basically a coward looking for attention, and one who's aggressive to the point of being psychopathic.
I'm also very sorry about the death of your father.
You need to understand what kind of stalker your ex is, and act accordingly. But to do this, you'll have to educate yourself fully on the matter. It would take pages and pages to fully address your questions here, both about what makes these people tick, and about what to do. But they're certainly the right questions. Just as a generalization, I'd say that there are various diagnoses, or personality types, that stalkers can carry. But for practical purposes, the important questions may be whether they are psychotic, psychopathic, or lightweights in the dangerousness department, and also more amenable to limit setting.
There are several websites of organizations that are set up for this educational purpose. Do a Google search for "stalking." Start with the Wikipedia article, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking. Follow up with the article on what to do, and what not to do: http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/whatnot.htm. Also check out the University of Texas stalking page, at
http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/Group/BussLAB/stalkinghelp/StalkingWhatCanI.html#Strategies. There are several more.
For the simple case, I think the idea of not reinforcing the stalker is critical. They need to “get it” that it's over for them: the woman is never going to have anything to do with them, ever again.
Also consider the security of your home and your person. See the relevant sections of the websites for information on both.
Once you've learned the basics of behavior, find out exactly what the laws are in your state. That will help you understand what can and cannot be done. Then, you have a right to ask the police to cooperate as best they can. If you determine that your ex is dangerous, that's when you'll have to either power up or move away. I know one woman who bought herself a taser and a gun, and informed the stalker that she was skilled with both, and not averse to using them. She was lucky that these tactics didn't backfire. For some stalkers, such threats can be seen as a challenge. Another woman I knew quietly told the stalker, also an ex-boyfriend, that she had engaged the services of, shall we say, a very large and aggressive man who would take action if there was the slightest threat from the ex. In that case the ex disappeared, never to be seen again. But it could have gone the other way! I am NOT recommending these measures. In a third case, letting the ex know about the police backup did the trick.
This is about all I can get into here. I'm also concerned with the (unlikely) possibility of your ex reading this. If it turns out that he's not a simple case, I urge you to build a team, locally. The team may include a threat assessment expert, the police, and possibly a lawyer. Personal relationships with specific policemen can also be useful.
Also, given that this event is stressful, and made even more stressful by your loss, make sure you have good personal backup, i.e. family, friends, and possibly a professional psychologist if the emotional situation gets complex.
Reach me via my contact information if you'd like to speak more about your situation.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
I take stalking very seriously, and I'm sure you do, too. Your description of your situation isn't ranting at all. It's critical information.
It's important to distinguish between a stalker who's a pain, and one who's dangerous, one who’s basically a coward looking for attention, and one who's aggressive to the point of being psychopathic.
I'm also very sorry about the death of your father.
You need to understand what kind of stalker your ex is, and act accordingly. But to do this, you'll have to educate yourself fully on the matter. It would take pages and pages to fully address your questions here, both about what makes these people tick, and about what to do. But they're certainly the right questions. Just as a generalization, I'd say that there are various diagnoses, or personality types, that stalkers can carry. But for practical purposes, the important questions may be whether they are psychotic, psychopathic, or lightweights in the dangerousness department, and also more amenable to limit setting.
There are several websites of organizations that are set up for this educational purpose. Do a Google search for "stalking." Start with the Wikipedia article, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking. Follow up with the article on what to do, and what not to do: http://www.stalkingbehavior.com/whatnot.htm. Also check out the University of Texas stalking page, at
http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/Group/BussLAB/stalkinghelp/StalkingWhatCanI.html#Strategies. There are several more.
For the simple case, I think the idea of not reinforcing the stalker is critical. They need to “get it” that it's over for them: the woman is never going to have anything to do with them, ever again.
Also consider the security of your home and your person. See the relevant sections of the websites for information on both.
Once you've learned the basics of behavior, find out exactly what the laws are in your state. That will help you understand what can and cannot be done. Then, you have a right to ask the police to cooperate as best they can. If you determine that your ex is dangerous, that's when you'll have to either power up or move away. I know one woman who bought herself a taser and a gun, and informed the stalker that she was skilled with both, and not averse to using them. She was lucky that these tactics didn't backfire. For some stalkers, such threats can be seen as a challenge. Another woman I knew quietly told the stalker, also an ex-boyfriend, that she had engaged the services of, shall we say, a very large and aggressive man who would take action if there was the slightest threat from the ex. In that case the ex disappeared, never to be seen again. But it could have gone the other way! I am NOT recommending these measures. In a third case, letting the ex know about the police backup did the trick.
This is about all I can get into here. I'm also concerned with the (unlikely) possibility of your ex reading this. If it turns out that he's not a simple case, I urge you to build a team, locally. The team may include a threat assessment expert, the police, and possibly a lawyer. Personal relationships with specific policemen can also be useful.
Also, given that this event is stressful, and made even more stressful by your loss, make sure you have good personal backup, i.e. family, friends, and possibly a professional psychologist if the emotional situation gets complex.
Reach me via my contact information if you'd like to speak more about your situation.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
After that, Stalker would endlessly circle the block in his car, and drive very slowly past K's house. The stalker also called Ks home endlessly but did not talk. The police were unable to do anything because the stalker's wife was afraid to answer any questions so no one could prove that stalker was making the phone calls.
K eventually moved across town and got an unlisted phone #. That was 15 years ago and there has been no problem since. Is this an option for you? I wonder if he couldn't find you if he would give up on the other people in your life.