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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
Unsure of my relationship
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
Unsure of my relationship
by girly3709, Oct 15, 2009 02:51PM
I've been with my boyfriend for about two years, on and off again during this time. He cheated on me 2 times, but we have moved past that difficult time. Now that we are fine, I brought up an issue about his behavior. He won't be home when he says he'll be there, and says he's at his friends house, and is there up until midnight. Which he is. He promises me he isn't cheating and I believe him. The thing that bothers me is, why does he keep taking off and coming home late at night? He is being faithful, but I don't know what prompts him to take off and leave. I brought up the issue to him, telling him I don't like it. He got upset and now he seems to be ignoring my calls and texts. When I was with him last night, he acted like nothing was wrong and kept dodging my questions, insisting everything was fine. Am I pushing him too hard that it has finally annoyed him, and I'm freaking out for nothing? I don't think I deserve to be treated like this, but would there be any reason as to this behavior?
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Oct 16, 2009 11:12AM
, Oct 16, 2009 11:12AM
Dear Girly,
As usual in situations like this, the exact answer is unclear, and the way to go is to look at the possibilities and see what proves out.
There’s always the possibility he’s doing another woman, but you say this is not the case. Nevertheless, don’t rule it out as you go on. After all, he went out on you twice. There’s always the possibility that he’s unsure of the relationship with you in basic ways. Sometimes women see things as “fine” and the guy is actually full of doubts.
A more likely scenario, from your writing, is that he feels controlled or domesticated. Men, especially young men, don’t like this, and will sometimes go to extremes to prove to their women that they can’t be corralled. He may feel that he doesn’t want to be home just because you want him to be.
Incidentally, it’s somewhat different if he has a separate home, and is not living with you. If the latter, there are reasonable coordinations of needs, duties, and involvements that require he be around in a more reliable way. I don’t know which is the case for you.
That said, I don’t think checking up on a guy gets you very far. If he’s going to love you, he will, and want to be with you. If on the other hand he’s going to stay out late, even if it’s just hanging with friends, you’ll have to decide whether his behavior is consistent enough for you. Men get domesticated as a function of love, age, and testosterone level! Otherwise, the more women try to pull the reins in on them, the more they run away.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
As usual in situations like this, the exact answer is unclear, and the way to go is to look at the possibilities and see what proves out.
There’s always the possibility he’s doing another woman, but you say this is not the case. Nevertheless, don’t rule it out as you go on. After all, he went out on you twice. There’s always the possibility that he’s unsure of the relationship with you in basic ways. Sometimes women see things as “fine” and the guy is actually full of doubts.
A more likely scenario, from your writing, is that he feels controlled or domesticated. Men, especially young men, don’t like this, and will sometimes go to extremes to prove to their women that they can’t be corralled. He may feel that he doesn’t want to be home just because you want him to be.
Incidentally, it’s somewhat different if he has a separate home, and is not living with you. If the latter, there are reasonable coordinations of needs, duties, and involvements that require he be around in a more reliable way. I don’t know which is the case for you.
That said, I don’t think checking up on a guy gets you very far. If he’s going to love you, he will, and want to be with you. If on the other hand he’s going to stay out late, even if it’s just hanging with friends, you’ll have to decide whether his behavior is consistent enough for you. Men get domesticated as a function of love, age, and testosterone level! Otherwise, the more women try to pull the reins in on them, the more they run away.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Ok. I know you're tired of it all this, but there's some further to go. In order to know if he's a "keeper," it will be necessary to diagnose the problem.
--If he's avoiding you out of shame/fear re the STD, you'll find out as the situation improves. He'll come home.
-- If it's another girl, he'll show the usual signs, and you'll pick up on them.
-- If he's just ambivalent about you, you'll eventually ask about this, and then decide how bad or treatable that situation is. If he won't discuss it or gives you chicken feed responses, you'll know it isn't viable.
--If, INDEPENDENT OF the STD, he's depressed, you'll need to discover this, by observation and maybe asking, preferably if he's obviously in that condition.
-- Maybe he doesn't like the rules you set. I understand why you set them. But if he bucks against them, it may mean that he just doesn't want to be home with you. It happens. If that's the case,
it won't be "running away." It will be a good decision - to find a man who really wants to be with you!
An alternate idea is to say you will set NO rules and ask no questions, but will see if it really feels like he's with you and values the relationship. And act accordingly!
Meanwhile, please be very careful not to transfer the STD to yourself. Sometimes women in this kind of muddy relationship situation will give themselves the partner's STD to resolve the ambivalence and justify staying. It doesn't work, and only makes things worse!
Sincerely,
Dr. P.