What do i do?

I love my girlfriend very much. she is currently going through a divorce however and today she told me shes having doubts about me and her and she thinks its because she doesnt want to feel responsible for her marriage not working out. her "husband" was abusive, he neglected her a lot and controlled her. when he told her he wanted to see other people she tried to make things work anyways, but he said no and kicked her out of the house and she had to move back with her parents. we have been together for a while even though her divorce is not finalized, and now her "husband" tells her that he wants to make their marriage work and its really confusing her and she doesnt know who she wants to be with, what do i really do, she says with me she has a physical and emotional attraction and with him its just common interest but nothing else. do i really let myself be number 2 or do i just leave and move back to Michigan after moving all the way to California for her. My ex before her passed away and i dont know how much i can handle emotionally, and before her my other ex cheated on me 7 times and i kept forgiving, am i being to forgiving in this situation or should i just stand back, i can tell in her answers she really wants reassurrance in the fact that her marriage will not work. Help me please i am lost on what i need to do...

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Cassifer,

Ok, let's sort it out. Right now, there's so much going on, and the outcomes of many of them are so indeterminate, that any action has no more than a chance probability of turning out right.

We do know that each of you have histories of big used, either by circumstance or by other people. The abuse and cheating in each of your relationships I'd guess is not accidental. I’d lay you decent odds that it comes out of your earlier lives, and I hope you'll look at that. Even if it doesn't, you'll still need time to heal, each of you.

The basic strategy is to get the two of you un-enmeshed. So you have to call time on the relationship, at least temporarily. As in referee with striped shirt, hat, and whistle. Don't be number one OR two, just be YOURSELF. Your girlfriend needs desperately to sort out two things before she can make any kind of meaningful attachment; first, whether she's going to accept the husband back (it probably won't work unless she’s a real masochist; husband may just be a possessor/spoiler, but she may have to try); second, she has to choose YOU, independent of him.

Don't you reassure her about the probable failure of her relationship with hubby. It's not up to you to load the dice! Just stand back, most importantly in your attitude. And as a practical matter, do other things, and with other people, hard as that may be.

The problem with your girlfriend may be that she’s complicit in her own abuse. Why is she going back after what he did to her? He's the abuser, and SHE feels responsible?? I don't get it. Maybe she needs another round of failure. Also, she apparently is not picking up that you “do it” for her, and he doesn't.

She may need to sort out questions like these with a good female counselor. In any case, it's HER responsibility, and HER eventual decision.

It appears that you did with your ex what your present girlfriend is doing with her husband (kept forgiving). Notice the similarity? This trait could doom you both, individually and together, unless you EACH independently get to the root of it, STOP, and understand what it's about. Continuing it, for you, would involve hanging around waiting for the woman to resolve things with hubby, as above.  You may also need some help to sort things out.

So: I'd say to her, “deal with your problem, and if you finish up with him, I'll PROBABLY be there, if it happens before I've made other arrangements.” I don't care where you  physically live, so long as you don't stay emotionally in the middle of this craziness. Doing so doesn't help anything, and just repeats your history. You're right, you can't handle much more emotionally. So don't.

There's also the issue of your first first girlfriend or wife, the one who died. I don't know the circumstances, but if you cared about her, and it was within the last few years, you have work to do on it as well. Also, remember that such a loss provides ample opportunity to scramble your brain and confound your judgment in relationships for several years after. So if relevant, don't leave this piece out!

When boxers get tangled in the ring, they go to a neutral corner, get themselves together, and only then resume. Same thing often is necessary in relationships, no matter how loving, or how poignant the tangle.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.