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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
What does he mean when he answers "I don't know" to relationship questions?
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Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
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What does he mean when he answers "I don't know" to relationship questions?
by selftrainer, Sep 25, 2009 11:13PM
The man I have been dating for 3 1/2 years just recently became distant, even seems disinterested I asked him the other night if his behavior had changed because I lost my job a couple of months ago & at first he answered "I don't know" then he said "Yeah, a little..." I asked him if he was no longer interested in me. He stated "I don't know" then said " Yeah, kinda, but I wouldn't say I'm disinterested" and then restated "I don't know". He's still very attracted to me (he became "aroused" when he hugged me that night we were talking) and then said "I'm a bad person" because that happened. I stated several times that if he's that disinterested & no longer wants me in his life to tell me & I would never bother him again. But he wouldn't give me an answer. He would just state "I don't like stressing you out more" and he would also state "I don't know what I want".
I guess my question is does he REALLY not know what he wants or does he seem to want to be with me but maybe it scares him??
I guess my question is does he REALLY not know what he wants or does he seem to want to be with me but maybe it scares him??
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Sep 27, 2009 11:02AM
, Sep 27, 2009 11:02AM
Dear Selftrainer,
I don’t really see the evidence that he wants to be with you but is scared. There is only, from what you say, the fact that he becomes aroused around you. And that may be a largely mechanical or sexual function.
On the other hand, he has become less engaged, and even admitted to it, after you lost your job. Does this mean you were a meal ticket? Or that he can’t handle, emotionally or financially, any dependence on him?
Behind his statement that he’s “a bad person” may be the recognition that he’s really not with you, and is unable to say so.
If he remains “disinterested” and uninvolved over the medium term, and especially if he continues to plead confusion about his goals or refuses to discuss the problem, I’d seriously consider getting out. Those would be the signs that he’s just playing games, and isn’t actually emotionally present.
Another tough question: is there some sort of hidden payoff, however negative, for you in remaining in a non-viable relationship? If so, own it, and by yourself or with some help, understand why it’s there and where it’s from, and see your way to a better man and a better life!
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
I don’t really see the evidence that he wants to be with you but is scared. There is only, from what you say, the fact that he becomes aroused around you. And that may be a largely mechanical or sexual function.
On the other hand, he has become less engaged, and even admitted to it, after you lost your job. Does this mean you were a meal ticket? Or that he can’t handle, emotionally or financially, any dependence on him?
Behind his statement that he’s “a bad person” may be the recognition that he’s really not with you, and is unable to say so.
If he remains “disinterested” and uninvolved over the medium term, and especially if he continues to plead confusion about his goals or refuses to discuss the problem, I’d seriously consider getting out. Those would be the signs that he’s just playing games, and isn’t actually emotionally present.
Another tough question: is there some sort of hidden payoff, however negative, for you in remaining in a non-viable relationship? If so, own it, and by yourself or with some help, understand why it’s there and where it’s from, and see your way to a better man and a better life!
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
