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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
What is the real issue?
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
What is the real issue?
by endlynn, Oct 17, 2009 04:10PM
Been married 20 years. My husband has generally ignored me , went off with his friends, didn't think it was necessary to tell me when he was going out of town for a few days, while i was at home with the kids.that sorta thing for 20 years. Well , I went to college ( been 5 years now) became an RN. ( worked while in school and got HOPE so he didn't have to help pay for school). Well ever since I passed boards and started working in CVICU ( 4 years) he has been a total a**. He told me the whole time while in school , how stupid it was and how I was not smart enough. I graduated with a 4.0 and that really sent him over the edge. I still worked, took care of the house , him , and kids while in school. So did not neglect anyone or anything. Thing is he flips out if he has to cut the grass( 0.25 acre) his favorute quote:" I work , why should I have to come home and do anything." I don't get it. It's lamost like he wants all the benefits of a marriage & kids but not the responsibility. The last straw was he got mad because our daughter was sick and he had to take her to the MD. ( the fifth time he has ever done that in 20 years) I had enough and told him to leave. Opinions?
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Oct 17, 2009 07:10PM
, Oct 17, 2009 07:10PM
Dear Endlynn,
"OpinionS"?
Are you looking for community feedback or for me? If the former, it's a different forum.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
"OpinionS"?
Are you looking for community feedback or for me? If the former, it's a different forum.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Post Comment
I don’t blame you for being angry. This lack of recognition is terrible. It’s obvious how hard you’ve worked, both for your family and for your own advancement. Congratulations!
I don’t know what your husband does for work. Perhaps if his work is EXTREMELY difficult, time-consuming, etc., his behavior is somewhat understandable. Some men really KILL themselves on the job. But it still wouldn’t excuse the attitude.
Perhaps your telling him to leave will get his attention. If he does return, you may want to coolly point out that his attitude is from 5 decades ago, and has no place anymore. That doesn’t mean he’s bad, just outdated, and that way is impossible to live with. It’s clear to everyone but him what you’ve achieved, and how hard you’ve worked to achieve it, with virtually no help from him. Say that the ball is in his court. Either upgrade the mental software from 1.0, or you’ll permanently pull the plug. If he wants to, but doesn’t know how, there’s both amateur and pro help available.
Maybe the attitude is imported from his family of origin. Or maybe hubby has some sort of personality disorder that prevents him from seeing another person as having independent value. Or maybe the two of you have had deeper relationship problems that have never been resolved, and manifest themselves this way. Or you yourself felt devalued in your FOO, and imported it into your marriage. I don’t know.
Bottom line, either this has to be dealt with, or bye-bye, unless you have so few resources that you have to stay in the marriage long-term, carving out an utterly independent life. And that sounds an unhappy prospect!
Sincerely,
Dr. P.