Aa
age differences
I'm 19 years old and have been pretty close with a guy friend of mine who is 10 years older. He is a surgical resident and has helped me a lot through my classes since I'm pre-med. My parents don't approve of me and him going out, though we aren't officially dating right now. He asked me to go to his birthday bash this next month which will be in his home state. I'd like to go, but my parents are afraid I'll get myself into a bad situation. I had said I'd even get a hotel so we wouldn't even be sleeping in the same place. Is it ok for someone my age to do this, or should I be listening to my parents more?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear anonymous 03,
Going over your latest message, I find myself making two lists, positives and negatives:
Positives:
Helps me study
Keeps me on track
Very “sweet”
Feel close to him
Helped me through my surgery, so I feel connected
Negatives:
He doesn't have a great track record (?? Collects conquests/notches on belt??)
He’s already made it difficult to study
Feels like risk he'll interfere with my medical career
Parents say he's “not the best influence” (why, I wonder)
I have a question: do you feel (sentence 3) that you couldn't stay on track if it weren't for him? If so, you’ve become more dependent than perhaps you realized. And would maybe begin the relationship to keep yourself on track. That's quite an assumption, and frankly, almost certainly an incorrect one. Who says you couldn't get that discipline elsewhere? It doesn't square even if the covert deal was to give him sex in return.
It's the same with the closeness, which may be the crux. If he's been your main source, you'd do anything to not lose it. But he COULD be replaced in that way. So don't go with him out of fear of loneliness. You're obviously resourceful, maybe more than you realize.
Mr. Proper obviously wants you, but what exactly is in it for you, beyond somehow “paying him back.” Young women sometimes feel they've got to pay back men in the coin of the realm, sex. Keep in mind that you also don't owe him anything for his attention during your operation period. It may feel that way because we tend to feel bonded to people who were with us through crisis times. But he got something out of it too!
Also, if you haven't done sex, and want to, make sure you don't confuse that drive with the desire for a relationship. They're different animals!
I don’t hear you arguing that you're into him in a serious man-woman way. Not to mention that you can handle it. Or that it would be the best for you. So maybe you're subtly telling me, and yourself, that this isn't the right time, and maybe not the right guy, either. Sweet isn't everything, and friendship is just that, not necessarily anything more.
Ask yourself, what would the next several months (or more; I don't know what year premed you are) of great sex and “relationship” cost in terms of medical career focus. On balance, do you come out ahead or behind, when you look at it honestly? And what if the relationship took a bad turn?
Guilt, dependence, payback, guidance etc shouldn’t be at the heart of a relationship. Take a very clear-eyed look to see what if anything is there beyond those things. Of course get back to me if you'd like.
Regards,
Dr. P.
Going over your latest message, I find myself making two lists, positives and negatives:
Positives:
Helps me study
Keeps me on track
Very “sweet”
Feel close to him
Helped me through my surgery, so I feel connected
Negatives:
He doesn't have a great track record (?? Collects conquests/notches on belt??)
He’s already made it difficult to study
Feels like risk he'll interfere with my medical career
Parents say he's “not the best influence” (why, I wonder)
I have a question: do you feel (sentence 3) that you couldn't stay on track if it weren't for him? If so, you’ve become more dependent than perhaps you realized. And would maybe begin the relationship to keep yourself on track. That's quite an assumption, and frankly, almost certainly an incorrect one. Who says you couldn't get that discipline elsewhere? It doesn't square even if the covert deal was to give him sex in return.
It's the same with the closeness, which may be the crux. If he's been your main source, you'd do anything to not lose it. But he COULD be replaced in that way. So don't go with him out of fear of loneliness. You're obviously resourceful, maybe more than you realize.
Mr. Proper obviously wants you, but what exactly is in it for you, beyond somehow “paying him back.” Young women sometimes feel they've got to pay back men in the coin of the realm, sex. Keep in mind that you also don't owe him anything for his attention during your operation period. It may feel that way because we tend to feel bonded to people who were with us through crisis times. But he got something out of it too!
Also, if you haven't done sex, and want to, make sure you don't confuse that drive with the desire for a relationship. They're different animals!
I don’t hear you arguing that you're into him in a serious man-woman way. Not to mention that you can handle it. Or that it would be the best for you. So maybe you're subtly telling me, and yourself, that this isn't the right time, and maybe not the right guy, either. Sweet isn't everything, and friendship is just that, not necessarily anything more.
Ask yourself, what would the next several months (or more; I don't know what year premed you are) of great sex and “relationship” cost in terms of medical career focus. On balance, do you come out ahead or behind, when you look at it honestly? And what if the relationship took a bad turn?
Guilt, dependence, payback, guidance etc shouldn’t be at the heart of a relationship. Take a very clear-eyed look to see what if anything is there beyond those things. Of course get back to me if you'd like.
Regards,
Dr. P.
Thanks for responding.
I haven't been sexually active and I know he doesn't have the greatest 'track record'. He's acted like 'Mr Proper' when we're hanging out and he wants to turn it into a relationship. He's already made it kind of difficult to study, and I don't want to lose too much for my future career. Going into medicine has been my dream for a very long time. Though he's also the one who helps me study for everything and somewhat keeps me on track. So that's where I get torn. I know he's not the best influence and my parents have a point, but he's also really sweet and someone I feel very close to. He helped me get through a really hard time in my life with a surgery I had last year, so I have that connection with him. (and he wasn't my doctor or anything, he's a friend from another hospital)
I haven't been sexually active and I know he doesn't have the greatest 'track record'. He's acted like 'Mr Proper' when we're hanging out and he wants to turn it into a relationship. He's already made it kind of difficult to study, and I don't want to lose too much for my future career. Going into medicine has been my dream for a very long time. Though he's also the one who helps me study for everything and somewhat keeps me on track. So that's where I get torn. I know he's not the best influence and my parents have a point, but he's also really sweet and someone I feel very close to. He helped me get through a really hard time in my life with a surgery I had last year, so I have that connection with him. (and he wasn't my doctor or anything, he's a friend from another hospital)
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Anonymous03,
It's a classic issue, all right. The kids want to boogie, and the parents are afraid they'll get into trouble. The “10 year older” scenario is especially troubling to the folks, the fear being that you'll be taken advantage of, sexually, emotionally, or both. That happens lots with people your age dating decade older men. Absolutely no putdown of you, but you inevitably have a certain naivite that they just don't. Full disclosure: I have a nineteen year old myself.
You sound like you're capable of thinking things through, so I'm going to put some responsibility on you to do just that. Some questions:
How much do you know what you are doing? If you are sleeping with him, is it sex in control, or mad passion that could spin out into dropping your studies or getting pregnant, perhaps with the result that your medical career gets postponed or remains unfulfilled?
2. if you are not having a sexual relationship, and don't want to, can you realistically keep him away in the foreign city? What about him? If he's made any romantic overtures to you, this would be the perfect time to make his move. Is that what you want? If you do, can you handle it?
3. Have you been sexually active previously? If you're 19, and you haven't been, I can pretty much guarantee that it will be an experience with this guy that will send you into orbit! If you're involved with challenging premed studies, it's going to be very difficult to concentrate, for sure.
4. Are you stable and mature enough to guide yourself? Are you playing any games with my parents around independence for it's own sake? Would anyone else be going to his state with you, perhaps a friend who could keep you seeing things straight
(if that's what you actually want)?
5. What do you really know about this guy? What's his character “track record?” Have you done a history of his behaviors with other people? Talked to people about how he usually handles himself with women? For more on researching backgrounds, check out the relevant sections on my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com.
6. What would be the consequences if the two of you were a couple, and then you got into medical school in another city?
I'm far from being a sexual or romance prude. But ask yourself: if I wait a while, will I really lose anything (I know, I know, “is he saying romance and sex don't count?!?”)? The gains from taking it slower could be knowing better how to handle yourself around all the issues mentioned above.
I'd match my HONEST PERSONAL assessment of these factors against my parents’ concerns. Then I'd act unsparingly in accordance with what I knew to be in my best longer term interests.
Get back to me if the issues or the answers remain foggy!
Regards,
Dr. P.
It's a classic issue, all right. The kids want to boogie, and the parents are afraid they'll get into trouble. The “10 year older” scenario is especially troubling to the folks, the fear being that you'll be taken advantage of, sexually, emotionally, or both. That happens lots with people your age dating decade older men. Absolutely no putdown of you, but you inevitably have a certain naivite that they just don't. Full disclosure: I have a nineteen year old myself.
You sound like you're capable of thinking things through, so I'm going to put some responsibility on you to do just that. Some questions:
How much do you know what you are doing? If you are sleeping with him, is it sex in control, or mad passion that could spin out into dropping your studies or getting pregnant, perhaps with the result that your medical career gets postponed or remains unfulfilled?
2. if you are not having a sexual relationship, and don't want to, can you realistically keep him away in the foreign city? What about him? If he's made any romantic overtures to you, this would be the perfect time to make his move. Is that what you want? If you do, can you handle it?
3. Have you been sexually active previously? If you're 19, and you haven't been, I can pretty much guarantee that it will be an experience with this guy that will send you into orbit! If you're involved with challenging premed studies, it's going to be very difficult to concentrate, for sure.
4. Are you stable and mature enough to guide yourself? Are you playing any games with my parents around independence for it's own sake? Would anyone else be going to his state with you, perhaps a friend who could keep you seeing things straight
(if that's what you actually want)?
5. What do you really know about this guy? What's his character “track record?” Have you done a history of his behaviors with other people? Talked to people about how he usually handles himself with women? For more on researching backgrounds, check out the relevant sections on my website, smartrelationshipdecisions.com.
6. What would be the consequences if the two of you were a couple, and then you got into medical school in another city?
I'm far from being a sexual or romance prude. But ask yourself: if I wait a while, will I really lose anything (I know, I know, “is he saying romance and sex don't count?!?”)? The gains from taking it slower could be knowing better how to handle yourself around all the issues mentioned above.
I'd match my HONEST PERSONAL assessment of these factors against my parents’ concerns. Then I'd act unsparingly in accordance with what I knew to be in my best longer term interests.
Get back to me if the issues or the answers remain foggy!
Regards,
Dr. P.
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