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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
doubts about my own feelings in my relationship
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
doubts about my own feelings in my relationship
by maria7766, Oct 11, 2009 11:05PM
Hi there! i joined this website because I realized i need some help!! well, I've been involved with someone for 2 months( i know it's not a lot but i feel i have strong feelings for him).. anyway, the thing is that i feel like im having an obsession with this relationship or something like that.. now he is in another city far from mine.. and today he just sent me a sms from his sister's mobile phone because he run out of credit.. i've just sent him one to say good night and so on.. before meeting me he used to hang out a lot with friends, drink a lot of beer and flirting with many women.. however, in all this time his behavior didn't raise my suspicion.Today i guess he went home but he didn't call me by phone like he usually does.. when he doesn't communicate during the day i start feeling insecure.. it's not that i feel we will break up the following day but I can't concentrate on what i have to do wondering what is he doing.. why he hasn't called me.. and we don't argue about this because I don't show my doubts i don't want to scare him away.. but im fearful that in these days he is away he might lose interest..and i become depressed.. sometimes he becomes silent because he likes fighting for fun and i also like it.. but when we are together and he keeps in silent i get somewhat disappointed.. i have to study for an important test but i can't focus unless I know something about him.. so today I've been worried and i couldn't study a thing.. plus, i'm here on the internet, here it's so late and i should be sleeping now.. but I can't.. thinking about all this I can't..
Hope you can help me.. Thanks for reading this
Hope you can help me.. Thanks for reading this
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Oct 13, 2009 03:13PM
, Oct 13, 2009 03:13PM
Dear Maria,
I wish there was a quick and clear answer to your question. But there’s not.
You’re both young. And as a guy he is probably less attached in the relationship than you. You seem to sense, and may be right in assuming/fearing that he’s out there with other young women. Who knows? If he gets silent and uncommunicative with you, when he wasn’t before, that may be the scenario.
What you MUST do is guard your heart from him UNTIL AND UNLESS he shows you that he is trustworthy in the relationship. Women your age often get cut up emotionally, and quite badly by love, for the above reason. They want to be monogamous, and the guy doesn’t, or he wants to, but strays in spite of himself. If he loses interest, he loses interest, and the relationship wasn’t meant to be. There’s little to be done about that.
So it’s not about scaring him away by asking him where he is. Rather, it’s about pulling back emotionally and watching what he does, and when. If he turns out to be untrustworthy, so be it. You’re only two months in, and may be able to pull out with not too much damage.
If you get utterly off your own center and not able to concentrate on your work, I’d recommend contacting Dr. Grossbart over on the Compulsive Behaviors Expert Forum. He’ll give you some strategies and exercises to keep you focused on your work, and just as important, help you keep seeing YOU as the center of your life, not this guy!
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
I wish there was a quick and clear answer to your question. But there’s not.
You’re both young. And as a guy he is probably less attached in the relationship than you. You seem to sense, and may be right in assuming/fearing that he’s out there with other young women. Who knows? If he gets silent and uncommunicative with you, when he wasn’t before, that may be the scenario.
What you MUST do is guard your heart from him UNTIL AND UNLESS he shows you that he is trustworthy in the relationship. Women your age often get cut up emotionally, and quite badly by love, for the above reason. They want to be monogamous, and the guy doesn’t, or he wants to, but strays in spite of himself. If he loses interest, he loses interest, and the relationship wasn’t meant to be. There’s little to be done about that.
So it’s not about scaring him away by asking him where he is. Rather, it’s about pulling back emotionally and watching what he does, and when. If he turns out to be untrustworthy, so be it. You’re only two months in, and may be able to pull out with not too much damage.
If you get utterly off your own center and not able to concentrate on your work, I’d recommend contacting Dr. Grossbart over on the Compulsive Behaviors Expert Forum. He’ll give you some strategies and exercises to keep you focused on your work, and just as important, help you keep seeing YOU as the center of your life, not this guy!
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
