help with a psochopath

[dcnyluv]

i am married to a secondary psychopath. his world has come crashing down and some how he is getting another chance at life and his freedom and with me. he seems to be truely aware of the life he has lived and the destruction he has caused. i know they say psychopaths cant be cured but how about when they become self aware of what they are and truely want to change. he has been so open and honest for the first time ever in his life and is showing true emotion as if he was slapped in the face by a very heavy hand. maybe he cant be cured but is there a way to live with his disorder as to not hurt anyone anymore? including himself with his destructive ways. is there any way to help him without making his condition worse. he is more then my husband. he is family. my friend. a bond as close as my child. i cannot abandon him despite the pain he causes me. i have to try this one last time. if it means the death of me so be it. i have been reading alot of robert hare. very smart man regarding his disorder. im desperate for a way to get thru this...together!

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear dcnyluv,

Well . . . ok. Most of the time when we think a psychopath is “coming around” it makes as much sense as thinking a crocodile is benign because we read a smile on its face. Not likely. But there is the odd case, the person who really does get himself together, usually after decades and time in jail, and turns into a more or less normal person. Maybe it’s him. Maybe if his world has indeed come crashing down, he can rebuild it right, this time.

if you are hell-bent on trying one more time, challenge him to open up about things to a good, personality-disorder oriented psychologist, not just you or himself. He’ll also need to be in a group with similar folks, who can’t ever be conned, because they’ve been con men and know all about it. Work closely with him about every aspect of his life and behavior. If he balks at this, you have your answer. Don’t be surprised if the enterprise fails. Go into it with your EYES COMPLETELY OPEN, aware that true psychopaths, like crocodiles, are generally hard wired and not much amenable to change through empathy or understanding. It’s just not how they’re put together.  

I understand you feel close to him, that he feels like family. You don’t have to abandon him, but you DO have to set limits, past which you can’t be there. You’ll have to see real change. If you don’t, and you stay, you will be staying addicted to a toxic man, poison. And that would tell you clearly that you’ve got some serious personality issues of your own!

In that regard, I’d screen myself for family relationships that led you to choose, bond with, and replay important issues with this PARTICULAR man. That kind of understanding could be very helpful in guiding yourself through the impending decisions, and clarifying what you need to do to stay safe, out of misery, and grow.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.