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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
my boyfriends grandson is in concern
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
Welcome to the Relationships Decisions forum. This forum is for questions and discussions relating to: Relationship choices/decisions.
my boyfriends grandson is in concern
by trisha202, Sep 19, 2009 10:24AM
My boyfriends grandson came to me asking a question that was very impossible for me to answer and i'm really not sure if i'm even on the right forum to be asking this one, but maybe you can direct me. He is a homosexual, he said he realized it when he was around 10-11 years old,and is now a grown adult the age of 22. He does not know why he is. His question to me is,"do you think I was born this way?" He has always kept quiet about it up until he got in a relationship about 2 years ago and his grandfather stumbled across a love letter he had written to his boyfriend and he questioned him about it. He finally let everyone know and stated he is very comfortable in his sexuality. He said he felt a lot better having people know instead of having to hide it but did not want people looking down on him. I told him that I didn't think people were born that way that I thought it was more of a choice but, I was not 100% sure that I may be wrong. He is now out of the relationship he had for 2 years and is talking to other people on the phone but not actually seeing anyone. He knows it hurt his grandfather but doesn't speak to him too much about it. So instead of conversations about males to him he talks to him about pretty girls that he has seen at school and are very nice. He tells his grandfather what he knows he'd rather hear and his grandfather doesn't think that he may really be "gay". Is this sexuality by choice or is it a gene? His grandfather and grandmother raised him from a baby. He saw and still sees his father here but has never been active in his life. And as he was growing up in his adolesant years he was more prone to want to be around females over males. His grandfather tried to take him fishing and do things with him but he was never interested in those things. He'd rather be going shopping or cooking in the kitchen, doing housework, sewing,etc. Can you help me with this?
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Sep 20, 2009 11:58AM
, Sep 20, 2009 11:58AM
Dear Trisha,
I was confused about this too, until one day, about three decades ago, I was sitting with a young, man whose family was similarly concerned about his sexuality. I had spent several meetings exploring his background, hunting, without success, for factors that would have “turned him gay”. All of a sudden he looked at me in utter seriousness, and said something like “ Dr. P. please hear this. I knew I was gay from the time I was 3. My dad is heterosexual. He was the great football player [for a major college team]; I’m a good gay dancer. I love my family. They’re great people. They’re ok and so am I. It’s just how it is!”
And he was right. Homosexuality is largely a genetic condition, found everywhere and at all times through the history of our race. The whys and hows are being worked on by the geneticists, but the main point is now clear. Being gay is not a choice, for the vast majority of people. The only exceptions to this are odd situations, e.g. where females have hurt the boy enormously, so that he avoids them and seeks closeness with men. But even in these instances, we have to ask why men are the choice. There are so many people hurt by women, and only a small subset “become” homosexual.
I’d respect and nurture this boy, including his sexuality. As with my patient years ago, he might want to talk to a psychologist who specializes in sexuality, so that he could rule out any trauma in his history that would push him toward men, but that’s really optional. The main help he probably needs is to get counseling to help him grow up into the best version of HIS REAL SELF, whatever that is, very much including his sexuality.
No, with gay kids, you usually don’t get grandchildren. But even that is changing these days. I hope you and your family keep your minds and hearts open, to love and nurture and enjoy this young man. If you do, he’ll repay you all in kind.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
I was confused about this too, until one day, about three decades ago, I was sitting with a young, man whose family was similarly concerned about his sexuality. I had spent several meetings exploring his background, hunting, without success, for factors that would have “turned him gay”. All of a sudden he looked at me in utter seriousness, and said something like “ Dr. P. please hear this. I knew I was gay from the time I was 3. My dad is heterosexual. He was the great football player [for a major college team]; I’m a good gay dancer. I love my family. They’re great people. They’re ok and so am I. It’s just how it is!”
And he was right. Homosexuality is largely a genetic condition, found everywhere and at all times through the history of our race. The whys and hows are being worked on by the geneticists, but the main point is now clear. Being gay is not a choice, for the vast majority of people. The only exceptions to this are odd situations, e.g. where females have hurt the boy enormously, so that he avoids them and seeks closeness with men. But even in these instances, we have to ask why men are the choice. There are so many people hurt by women, and only a small subset “become” homosexual.
I’d respect and nurture this boy, including his sexuality. As with my patient years ago, he might want to talk to a psychologist who specializes in sexuality, so that he could rule out any trauma in his history that would push him toward men, but that’s really optional. The main help he probably needs is to get counseling to help him grow up into the best version of HIS REAL SELF, whatever that is, very much including his sexuality.
No, with gay kids, you usually don’t get grandchildren. But even that is changing these days. I hope you and your family keep your minds and hearts open, to love and nurture and enjoy this young man. If you do, he’ll repay you all in kind.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
Member Comments (2)
by concerned62, Oct 09, 2009 09:32AM
To: Richard Pomerance, Ph.D
I hate to burst your bubble but God didn't and doesn't create a person as a homosexual. For people to say their born that way says that God has lied to us. IT IS A CHOICE, PERIOD
