my crazy mother

[vscore]

Me and my husband just recently moved back home because he was laid off, and my mother goes on crazy trips, she is always talking about god and how everyone is not a christian,and shes gotten very much into the bible, when i was growing up we did not go to church or were raised with christian values,when i was 18 i had became born again and then she followed me into it, it seems every time any of her children like anything she buys it or gets really into it, like if i was a christian , she would be god, and be better then me.now im 24 and she is still acting very much so into it, when i talk about me or my husband moving out she gets really upset, and tells me not to talk to her ever again, but to my sister she always tells her how she wants me and my husband out of here, we fight constantly because i dont want to hear her preach to me and she gets higly upset. She always looks at things negative,she verbally abuses her husband and always tries to make him and her children feel guilty for things so we can kiss her butt.She will even go as far and tell us that the bilble states not to do certain things and she will give us a hard time about it, but she will turn around and do it also, for instance she told us not to eat pork and would get mad when we did or would always say no i dont eat pork, but then we would catch her eating bacon and stuff, and as of now we are not  speaking, and i dont know what to do, i feel like i cant get along with her for 5 minutes,but iam a kind person and really do try and love her and please her, this time we fought because she said things to strangers about me that were embarrassing , so in the car with just me and her i said if she could please not say stuff to strangers like that or embarrass me and she blew up and was like well dont go anywhere with me, dont talk to me!we still live with her and barley getting on her feet, we dont have much place to go and im scared she will really freak if i just leave , i dont know what to do?

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear vscore,

Your mother is a patchwork of inconsistencies and ambivalence, stuffed into the born again format.  It’s unclear from your description how far it goes, and how off the charts pathological she is. However, if she’s the way you portray her, the situation appears pretty much impossible. Your choices are to live with it or to get out and let the future happen.

First, try to back off emotionally from this woman. Nuttiness is nuttiness, even if we love and care about someone.  You won’t get far trying to reason with her, or please her. Remove your fingers from near the whirling blade!

Second, I’d SECRETLY MAKE AN ESCAPE PLAN. This could involve a move far away or near. Just make it viable and economically feasible, even if you have to cut back to the bone to do it. Why secretly? Because you don’t want this to leak before you have your ducks in a row. YOU want to control the timing and pitch of your ultimatum to mother.

Third, I’d THEN and only then enlist the other family members, if they’re talkable-to, to see if a plan to help mother could be made. Perhaps she can get some professional help.  It is possible that she is cooking a depression or other emotional/mental illness, though this is far from clear. If not, can she get some comfort from religious or lay people, friends or family?

Fourth, I’d THEN AND ONLY THEN tell mother that this behavior has to stop, and if she can’t stop it either she gets some professional help or you’ll simply have to live somewhere else. Be specific about what she needs to do. Let her choose. If she freaks, then with the other family members there will have to be a plan made. Worst case, she’ll crash into an emotional crisis that will be handled as would anyone else’s, a bit at a time and with uncertain outcome.

Fifth, in case the family doesn’t support you or tries to scapegoat: write them an open letter summarizing the situation, asking for their help, and making it clear you cannot remain the sole support of mother, if this is the case.

Born again people can be quite difficult, in just the way you describe, and especially as they age. I was close to a similar situation. We may care deeply for family members, but we can’t let them wreck our lives.  Therefore, we may have to be quite calculating to keep them from doing so.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.