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Relationship Decisions (Expert Forum)
my husband...psycopath. me schizoid! help us
Answered by
Psychotherapy of Individuals and Couples; relationship decisions; divorce counseling
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my husband...psycopath. me schizoid! help us
by dcnyluv, Sep 27, 2009 07:58AM
i took the online tests and we both pass w flying colors. i am 30. he is 33. we have been on and off for 16 yrs. about 10 yrs straight w on 1yr break up. he is currently incarcerated. oh what a rollercoaster. all the lies, manipulation, deception, MAJOR infidelity, problems with the law, attraction and involvement in crime and violence, no conscience, no guilt or remorse, drugging me to go hang out at night, the lists go on. he sold drugs, couldnt/wouldnt hold a job. complete lack of household responsibilities including financial obligations. but i love him...and im a schizoid. or at least have become one. and if not what other explanation would there be that i am still by him strong and so in love with such abuse, chaos and disrespect.
how can i help him? i understand his charm is part of his disorder...but is there any truth to it. any real goodness in him? any chance we could at least have some type of a successful life and marriage?
if i left him chances are i would find another abuser or become the abuser myself.(proven) i would never love anyone like i love him. we are family, we basically raised each other. but we are so destructive. he cheats, i beat the girls up. i have smashed 3 $1000 tv's in the last 3 mts. destroyed our van inside and out. got rid of every last thing he owns during his last incarceration. had an abortion as a result of his infidelity. had a fist time ever affair but with a complete stranger n now fear i may be pregnant by him. i have seeked medical attn for myself. but i have read psychopaths dont respond well to treatment. that it makes them statistically worse. with each of his incarcerations he does come out much worse.
i have a 10 yr old daughter. so sweet, such a pleasure in every way. we did ok at hiding our true selves but she is older now. and its much harder to hide. and i am so scared she will become like us. i have been here physically but not emotionally her whole life. i dont even play with her. dont know how.
how can i help him? i understand his charm is part of his disorder...but is there any truth to it. any real goodness in him? any chance we could at least have some type of a successful life and marriage?
if i left him chances are i would find another abuser or become the abuser myself.(proven) i would never love anyone like i love him. we are family, we basically raised each other. but we are so destructive. he cheats, i beat the girls up. i have smashed 3 $1000 tv's in the last 3 mts. destroyed our van inside and out. got rid of every last thing he owns during his last incarceration. had an abortion as a result of his infidelity. had a fist time ever affair but with a complete stranger n now fear i may be pregnant by him. i have seeked medical attn for myself. but i have read psychopaths dont respond well to treatment. that it makes them statistically worse. with each of his incarcerations he does come out much worse.
i have a 10 yr old daughter. so sweet, such a pleasure in every way. we did ok at hiding our true selves but she is older now. and its much harder to hide. and i am so scared she will become like us. i have been here physically but not emotionally her whole life. i dont even play with her. dont know how.
Doctor's Answer
by Richard Pomerance, Ph.D, Sep 27, 2009 10:45AM
, Sep 27, 2009 10:45AM
Dear Dcnyluv,
You’re right, it’s a mess. We both know you’ve got all sorts of issues (probably rooted in your family of origin) that have predisposed you to stay with a guy like this, and to do correspondingly nuts things. The question is, what now?
I’d make a beeline for the nearest competent mental health pro, ideally a psychiatrically trained social worker. Such a person, if good, could give you a road map out of this chaos (assuming you’d accept being out of chaos – I’m frankly not sure!).
Your own chaotic behavior (violence, abuse of others, pregnancy, etc) helps nothing. It just makes everything far worse. Perhaps in addition to this personality issue, you may have a treatable emotional disturbance. If you were abused yourself, you can get genuine and effective help. It's of urgent importance that you check these things out.
I’m very concerned about your daughter. If she hasn’t already, she will likely begin to show signs of the chaos as well, as she hits adolescence. You definitely want to help guide her. I hear you when you say you don’t know how to be with her (I’d guess you didn’t have much consistent mothering yourself.) This is another area a pro could help you with.
You’re right about psychopaths: they DO NOT respond well to treatment. Usually, they just keep on doing what they’ve done, leaving a trail of destruction and despair in their wake. Is there reason to believe your man will behave any differently? If so, I’m not seeing it. And charm? Isn’t this getting a little old by now? Yuuk!
You’ve got some SERIOUS thinking to do. Keep down the road you’re on, and imagine yourself at, say, 50. What do you see?
My prayer is that you’ll wake up, see how disastrous this situation is, and make a major change. You can do it if you really want, I know you can!
You deserve to be more than a shadow in a ditch by the side of the highway, twenty years from now.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
You’re right, it’s a mess. We both know you’ve got all sorts of issues (probably rooted in your family of origin) that have predisposed you to stay with a guy like this, and to do correspondingly nuts things. The question is, what now?
I’d make a beeline for the nearest competent mental health pro, ideally a psychiatrically trained social worker. Such a person, if good, could give you a road map out of this chaos (assuming you’d accept being out of chaos – I’m frankly not sure!).
Your own chaotic behavior (violence, abuse of others, pregnancy, etc) helps nothing. It just makes everything far worse. Perhaps in addition to this personality issue, you may have a treatable emotional disturbance. If you were abused yourself, you can get genuine and effective help. It's of urgent importance that you check these things out.
I’m very concerned about your daughter. If she hasn’t already, she will likely begin to show signs of the chaos as well, as she hits adolescence. You definitely want to help guide her. I hear you when you say you don’t know how to be with her (I’d guess you didn’t have much consistent mothering yourself.) This is another area a pro could help you with.
You’re right about psychopaths: they DO NOT respond well to treatment. Usually, they just keep on doing what they’ve done, leaving a trail of destruction and despair in their wake. Is there reason to believe your man will behave any differently? If so, I’m not seeing it. And charm? Isn’t this getting a little old by now? Yuuk!
You’ve got some SERIOUS thinking to do. Keep down the road you’re on, and imagine yourself at, say, 50. What do you see?
My prayer is that you’ll wake up, see how disastrous this situation is, and make a major change. You can do it if you really want, I know you can!
You deserve to be more than a shadow in a ditch by the side of the highway, twenty years from now.
Sincerely,
Dr. P.
