why is he treating me this way?

[girlhimali]

hi , my husband is 30 years.when we have sex, he wants to hurt me, tie me up, spit on me, pull my hair,slap my back,
slap my face,..... etc i dont feel any happiness.i feel the pain...hurt...and he uses words like b i t c h. w h o re, s l u t....i feel disrespected...humiliated...
why does these type of things arouse him?
how do i make it stop?
if you love some one, you cant get happiness by hurting your loved one.. correct?

i dont know if this is the correct place to ask..... but please help me thank you

[zelkahmiktez]

How are you? Did you follow  Dr. P's Advice?
Yes, you should leave at the soonest, you have to protect yourself by keeping yourself  away from him. Remember,  The longer you stay there and allowing  him doing all those torturing things with you, the more you are exposing yourself to danger and letting him think  that what he's doing to you is RIGHT, because you can tolerate it....
Take care

[girlhimali]

i think thats what i ll do... he is not coming for any treatments. thank you for your support.. may god bless you

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear girlhimali,

Your husband sounds like a sick person; and it sounds like you are being preyed upon for his pleasure. And he won't change the situation. It's hard to make a case for your staying there. “Women must be treated this way”  !!??!!?

If he's been abused and cheated by women, it's his problem. It's no license to abuse YOU, or anyone else, for that matter.

Frankly, I'd very seriously consider getting out, and getting out now. It does not  appear he's going to change. I'd operationalize the suggestions in the last paragraph of my previous post. First, seek out any supports you have, from family to professionals to friends. Find somewhere safe to go. Then go. Let everyone know what's going on. If he comes to reclaim you, or even threatens to, make sure the police and other authorities are informed. If there are organizations in your area that shelter abused women, seek them out for shelter and/or counsel.

Your husband doesn't sound like the kind of person it's safe to be around, much less spend a life with. If it were me, I'd do whatever it took to recapture my life. And maybe save it.

Sincerely,

Dr. P.

[girlhimali]

and, there is some more things he does which im ashamed to type down here... like torturing certain body parts..... it just gives me pain...and pleasure for him..

[girlhimali]

i read both those on wiki doctor... and i read many more sites about this... i had a chat about this with him.. he refused to stop it and he called me more names.. and refused to go for help... to talk to a doctor.. he said women must be treated that way... and it arouses him.. he has been abused and cheated by women. now what do i do? he never showed this type of behavior before marriage... thank you for your help god bless you

[Richard Pomerance, Ph.D]

Dear Girlhimali,

You can ask about this in various places, and I hope you do. There are many explanations, from something biological, to a sado-masochistic experience early in life, to abuse, to observation of same, leading to such behavior with you. And other interpretations. Please do your research, both here are on Medhelp and elsewhere. You may want to start with  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sadomasochism. Some people consider such behavior non-pathological, and some otherwise. My educated guess is that much of it comes from witnessing or being the recipient of abuse or neglect.

In this kind of person, happiness, or at least sexual pleasure, comes from hurting someone else. Little instances of aggression in love, e.g. biting someone during love-making, is one thing. But much beyond this, and it's simply a form of violence, whether or not the perpetrator believes it to be.

The most important point is that it doesn't work for you. You're abused, called terrible names, spit on, slapped around, tied up, humiliated, disrespected. And it hurts. Frankly, I don't care WHY these types of things arouse him. I just know it needs to stop!

First thing, I'd ask him to not do these things any more. If he doesn't stop, I'd immediately seek out the support and counsel of a local mental health practitioner. Perhaps your husband can be talked to, or accept some form of couples counseling. I'd also consider my legal and financial situation, in case he kept on doing this, and it escalated so far that you became frankly unsafe. If it does, or if you already feel that way, GET OUT OF THERE, permanently if necessary. And if that happens, don't be shy about letting family or the community know what's going on.

Your health and safety, and your psychological integrity, must always come before the fulfillment of  marriage vows.


Sincerely,

Dr. P.