??

[K1990]

At the start of my relationship my boyfriend had mentioned something about porn and I told him that I didn't want him watching porn and it is a very big deal to me.  And he said that he wouldn't watch it.... well he is in a different city, about 60 miles away and when school is in session I only see him on the weekends... well I was on his computer and from what I found I think he is watching porn again.  I am NOT okay with that at all.  How do I say something about it?  I am just so angry with him.

[RockRose]

So,  break up with him.    He's just a boyfriend,  you can't  mold him into someone he's not.  If he's not right for you,  pick another guy and don't try to "fix" this one.  Find one who suits you better.

You won't be able to change this,  I promise.  You might be able to make him sneakier,  where you can't discover what he's doing.  If you don't want a boyfriend who watches porn during the week while you aren't sleeping with him,  find another guy.  

[K1990]

He is the love of my life, there is no way that I could break up with him we have been together forever!  We are planning a wedding for next summer.  It's not that easy.  I have always trusted him and always will but I was looking on YouTube for a video and just had the first letter in and up popped everything that he had searched that started with that letter and there were things that really mad me upset.  I wont break up with him over this because I love him, I just want to know how I should talk to him about it.

[RockRose]

K - you can either accept that he's drawn to porn,  or you can break up with him.  

Those are your two choices.  You can talk to him until you are blue in the face,  those are still your two choices.

Accept it or break up with him.

Guys who watch a little porn on the internet are not like axe murderers.  You can choose to accept that he looks at images of other women sometimes and still have a fine life.

If you expect to marry him and demand that he change,  you're in for a bad marriage.  If this is truly  as you say,  "a very big deal to you",  this is the wrong guy.

You can hear me or don't.  He mentioned something about porn,  you said you didn't want him watching porn and it's a very big deal to you.  He's still doing it.  

This is your choice.  If you marry him,  and expect to change him,  you're a fool with your life.  On the other hand,  you can decide that everyone has warts and that's his wart.    It's your choice.  But use your brain.

[K1990]

To me him watching porn is just as bad as him cheating on me.  I'm not okay with him looking at other women like that, if I'm enough for him he shouldn't have too.  If I was with him all the time I don't think it would be an issues and he wouldn't be watching it.  Dealing with it or breaking up with him are two things I can't do.  There has to be a way to talkt o him about it.

[slow_healer]

I second Rockrose's advice. Trying to control him is NOT the same as loving him.

BTW it's a very bad sign if you feel like you need to be with someone ALL THE TIME in order to trust them.

No one person can completely fulfill all the needs of another person - including sexual. In other words, you are not enough for him. No ONE person is ever "enough" for another person - relationships and people just don't work that way. Many people do not consider looking at pornography the same as cheating. They consider it a safe, private way of getting out those curious feelings without harming or disrespecting anyone. If you cannot understand this or try to see your boyfriend halfway, you are going to have a very difficult marriage.

[Trialanderror]

Porn is like junk food, it is hard to get out of society and a man`s mind, generally speaking. So I would not even try, see advice above. If you want to talk to your husband-to-be anyway, I would focus on finding out how much it really means to him or rather how little it actually has to do with your relationship. I hope and assume he would not expect you to impersonate any of the images he had been viewing. I know it hurts when something like pure love loses its innocence but eventually it becomes too obvious in life that the majority of men watches porn and oggle other women to some degree, too obvious to not be dealt with. Once you deal with it, you will likely find that your relationship can remain unharmed and that you are by no means in competition with those virtual women. It all depends on the man whether he can keep this kind of junk out of the bedroom.

[RockRose]

K - good luck,  and post back in 5 years after you've married him and he's still into porn.   And you are still trying to talk him out of it.  

You don't get it,  but you will soon.

Best wishes,  post back and warn other girls who also won't listen.

[peekawho]

If watching porn to you is the same as cheating, then how can you stay with a man who is actively cheating on you?  

There is no way to "talk him out of it".  If you can't either deal with it or break up with him, I predict a very, very unhappy marriage for you.  

You are 100% wrong if you think you can marry him and "cure" this issue by being with him all the time.  

[K1990]

I talked to him about it and he said that his brother uses his computer a lot too and he knows that I don't like it and he hasn't watched it since I first said anything!  I knew all that I needed to do is talk to him, I was right.  He knows I don't like it and he respects that and me!  I don't need to be with him all the time... I completly trust him and when I thought that he had been watching it again, all I needed to do was talk to him and he told me what was going on.  In our relationship there is a lot of trust and honesty... I have never lied to him, and he has never lied to me and it will always stay that way.  I'm glad that all I need to do when I have a problem is talk to him, it's sad for those of you who can't talk to your lovers.  I love him with all my heart and he is such a wonderful man, he treats me right and he treats me with respect!  I have a keeper!

[peekawho]

If that's what you prefer to believe, come back and talk to us later.  Best of luck to you.  

[AndiJ78]

I am confused, with all this trust you have in your "forever' relationship, why did you have to hunt for evidence of porn watching.

On a side note, if my BIL or my brother came over to use my computer to watch porn, ,well let's just say I cannot ever see that happening. I am with peek, believe what you want.

I am an adult, been married for 7 years, have three kids, and honestly do not care if my husband watches porn. It does not take the place of our sex life, it does not even act as a boost to it, but it does give me a much needed break if my baby prevents sex from happening or wears me out to the point where all I want to do is catch what little sleep I can. I say don't fear porn, embrace it!

Seriously, if porn is all you have to deal with in life, you have it made. I have found myself a keeper as well and don't care much if once in a while he wants to rub one out to Jenna Jamison. It is all part of being a secure woman.

For me, if my husband hid it and then gave a lame lie like that, I would be far more concerned with the trust issue than the porn itself. I figure in life you need to pick your battles, porn simply isn't a war that needs to be waged. Lying on the other hand is an epic battle you may find yourself involved in for years if you are too gullible to realize even the smallest of lies like this.

Lastly, I do applaud you for talking to him. Communication is key to any relationship, but trust is as well. I am very open and often brutally honest with my husband. We can both appreciate the female form for its natural beauty. I am not threatened by porn, nor am I threatened by women ont he street that are attractive. My husband knows where his bread is buttered. Nothing changes that, not Jenna, not skanky girl with boobs popping out walking her dog.

Let us not forget the concept of forbidden fruit. The more you forbid it, the more tempting it may become.

Good luck to you. Perhaps when your anger an insecurity settles with age, you will see the value and wisdom in our words.

Moooo!

[K1990]

One, him and his brother live in the same house and I see his brother using his computer all the time.  It wasn't a lame excuse, he was telling the truth, we have been through worse things and I know he would never lie to me.  So thank you ladies for all your help!  If something is on my mind I will say it, otherwise why have so many people fought and died for our freedom... and we don't use it!  He will say what is on his mind to me and I hope he always does, I think that's great, and as will I!  Thank you ladies!

[pertykitty]

you cry over him watching porn then tell us you are sorry we cant talk to our loved ones? lol we arent the ones on here complaining and feeling cheated on.  good luck , you need it.

[sara......]

Thanks for giving me a laugh with your line "it's sad for those of you who can't talk to your lovers." when this is the reason for your original post! Also, if you believe he's NEVER looked at it and its ALL his brother thats a bit concerning! Seriously, guys are very visual which is why so many are into porn (especially if your not around) so I guess it fills a bit of a void. If you have good self esteem and are comfortable with yourself and your relationship I don't really understand why you'd be so upset. Maybe this is what you should be more concerned about. Good luck.

[jd1419]

If what your fiance said is true--then he needs to get his own passowrd to his computer--why would he let his borther use it to look at porn with the possiblity of you also using this computer and seeing the history of the sites he went to.  Ask him to no longer let h is brother on and then you will not have this issue of sites being on their that someone else ha looked at....and then erase the history so he can start from scratch.....then when you go on there next time it will be his own history and no one else's and then see what has been looked at....if he was telling you the whole truth nothing liek that should ever "pop up" again and you won't have any concerns.  Good Luck

[ksanden]

i think porn is better then him going out and getting it somewhere else. just what i think..
ksanden

[girliegrl1723]

i feel sorry for you. you are naive. i had this same "issue" with my now husband and have to say that what rock rose first responded is all you really need to hear. either break up with him or accept the porn. i chose to just accept it. whatever. no big deal. we have a good sex life and he's not cheating on me. whats the big deal? just wait til you guys live together. you'll find it more and more. i don't think i know a man that doesn't enjoy watching porn. its def a gut thing and as much as we like to think so, guys can never change. good luck. this problem will explode later down the line i'm sure when you find a dvd in his sock drawer.

[chellybeans]

i hope your trust is deserved, but experience tells me you are in for a hurt.

good luck , and if he is really being truthful, i think you got some good advice with regards to the seperate password protected accounts.

[TMB1975]

Judging by her screen name she is like 17yrs old , and if she is , then that explains it and if she is not i feel sorry for her.

[K1990]

Jd1419~ That is a great idea, and I do belive he is telling the truth because he wouldn't lie to me and his brother is kind of like that, he doesn't understand boundries!

ksanden~ I agree that porn is better than going out there and finding someone but I still think that it is in that same category of "cheating".  I feel as the only women he should ever even want to look at like that should be me!  

TMB1975~ I don't understand why my age matters.  I don't think porn is neccessary if your in a relationship, he gets sex often enough to not need that.  And that is my personal opinion and I don't understand why all of you are judging me on that, just like it is your personal opinion that porn is okay.  Some will agree with me and some wont, it's life!  I was just asking for a way to bring it up, that's all I asked!  Thank you all very much, I appreciate the help!  I have noticed some of you have issues with the younger posters, we could use help just like everyone else!  But thank you!

[peekawho]

We're trying to give you some wisdom that we all learned the hard way.  Nothing says you have to take it.

Most people have to find out on their own, anyway.  

[txlonghrn08]

This is so stupid. You don't have to accept pornography in your life to be a secure and confident woman. You can be a secure and confident woman by saying " Hey, I don't like that you watch porn and you know what? I'm not going to stand for it and I can find myself a guy who respects me more to not watch porn. And if I dont find a man like that...then this is a sad world and I would prefer to be alone and happy."  A woman who is secure is one who does away with things that make her feel less valuable.

It's ridiculous. Don't let other people make you feel bad because of the values that you hold. It's a matter of preference. You either like it or you don't and you CANNOT change him. Porn is a compulsion like eating sugar when you are a diabetic...its not something men HAVE to do to survive...if he loves you and respects you he will do what you ask...if not... please find yourself a man who will meet your needs. I promise, you will be a lot happier.

[BornofOsiris]

im sorry but almost every man watches porn...its only our instincts that when we need a realease we need a release...how else do you think he is feeling when he doesnt get to see you at all for a week and he is at home horny as hell??? whats he supose to do ignore it?? its hard for guys just to "ignore" things like that especially when we have a hard on we simply just cant walk it off...This is how most guys end up cheating cause we almost cant control our actions since when we get horny our testosterone shoots through the roof....you should not be so hard on him just by watching porn...you know if he completely gets shut off of that who knows what he will do when he is horny at home alone and you cant help him, it could be worse

[dparadiso09]

i don't like my bf to watch porn either, i know it feels like a betrayal or like its some form of cheating. like maybe you aren't good enough, instead try giving him pictures of yourself maybe, but that's tricky because you never know if those would get out if you two broke up (nothing personal against him). but its true what everyone is saying he is only going to get more sneaky, ask why he likes porn so much. and are you sure this was youtube bc nothing dirty goes on youtube. the fact that you dont trust him will cause a huge strain in your relationship and lead to other things, no offense but would you want to marry a man who you cant trust and think lies to you. confront him and ask him why he likes porn so much

[heatherlynn22]

i have to agree with the other ladies. you are being EXTREMELY naive. how convenient for him that his brother lives with him to be the scape goat.

as the others have said if he is your forever love why are you snooping on his computer? forever loves do not snoop and pry into their partners private matters. and no matter how much sex a guy gets if he likes porn he's going to watch it. i have friends who give their guys sex on a regular basis and they STILL catch the guys watching porn.

and again as rock rose said...either accept it or break up with him.

[heatherlynn22]

ha i didn't even realize this was from 07.....wow i need to pay attention!

[turkee23]

lol i was going to do the same hting heather!... hahaha then i looked at the date, and wondered what happened to that girl.......