touching between my boyfriend and his 7 years old daughter

[bettybe]

hi everyone, tonite like every night when my boyfriend's kids are here i helped him to get the kids on the shower then got o bed, i have always noticed something with his 7 years old and my boyfriend< i think that she is getting old enough to not anymore naked in front of her dad, i saw him looking at her tonite while she was getting dress and then he went to her while she was lying down on bed and get on top of her and until the point that she was telling him that she could not breath and he was kissing her on her chicks, when he got up she told him to do it again, since then this been in my mind and i just wondered if this right between father and daughter, and until what age is ok for her to get make in front of her dad, please help me to understand.

thank u

[LisaMary1616]

Sounds like he is 'grooming' her. Have you checked if he is a sex offender? This is not normal behaviour. And watching her get dressed is completely inappropriate. Even I, as a mom, gave my daughters privacy. This is a very impressionsble time and she may not know what boundaries are yet. It's up to the adult to teach them. And at 7 years old she is old enough to change her clothes herself therefore there is no reason at all for her father to be so intrusive as to stare at her naked.
Perhaps pick out some clothes with her and say "Okay I'm leaving the room now so you can have your privacy while you change. I'll be just outside if you need me. "And if  she falls or something go in without staring at her and discreetly help.
If he does it again to her, then call cps. I know you want to protect her and you should. Is her mother around? Perhaps you can have a chat with her. Don't worry about 'snitching' there's no such thing when it comes to child abuse. I would also think very seriously about dumping him.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, as a mom with very affectionate sons, it IS hard for me to see either your boyfriend or his daughter doing this in a sexual way, as in man/woman thing.  Never say never but that would indicate that his daughter has perhaps been molested or has emotional issues.  Very sad either way.  

I believe that if your boyfriend has a problem with it (and after you bring it to his attention----  he may or may not), then he addresses it like anything else.  He gently lays a boundary.  When she puts her head in his lap, he moves.  He sits up and sits right beside her and puts his arm around her.  That type of thing.  HE sets the tone and changes unwanted behavior.  But try not to read sexuality into it unless you are ready to go there and get real help for this girl and possibly her father that has a relationship with her that you don't know about.  

good luck, difficult situation for sure.  

[concernedmom101977]

I have three kids, 2 girls and 1 boy, and I my boyfriend has an 8 year old daughter who does this, she touches him in a a way to try and get his attention, it has caused multiple disagreeements and he doesn't know how to handle it. Until you have experienced it, it is very hard to understand. She has 2 step sisters who are 18 and 21 and seen them act this way with their boyfriend, her mother let their boyfriends stay at the house throughout their teen years. It has to come from the childs father, they to explain to the child the difference between a girlfriend and a daughter and what is appropriate  and what is not. She is constantly on his lap, her hands in places they shouldn't be, her head in his lap. It makes me uncomfortable, and you can see it making him uncomfortable, she will rub his head and blow in his ear. I never in a million years thought I feel that a child and parent relationship is well "something", I hug my kids an wrestle with them and kiss them on there cheeks and rub noses, but until you have seen something like this I don't think you can wrap your brain around it. I now this post is old, but I found it while googling the situation in a last ditch effort for help. This "something" has destroyed a wonderful relationship between a man a woman, this woman has told the man to no longer her and wont touch him because it is not special when you see a father/daughter touching the same way......I am not critizing you, I just want you to understand as mother that this is real and I can't understand it, I think it is an attention, I don't know, a few back, she even referred to herself as his girlfriend and that was a little wake up call. And with two girls of my own who are 9 and 12, she is more "sexual" then them. I worry about her future and am afraid she is going to use these "Seducing" methods thru her life, the only I think is she has seen her older step sisters do this with their boyfriends. The whole thing is a very sad, especially when you a man you dearly love being manipulated by his child. We have been together for two years and lived together for a year, so this isn't something that just came up, it was been an issue since she was 6.... :(

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with everything everyone has said here but we also know that sometimes a man is a predator of Children - that totally may not be going on here but early in Her first post bettybe has "always" noticed "something" about Daddy and Daughter.  It may be nothing but, just in case, bettybe might have a watchful eye.  Bettybe is not exactly a young woman but is a mature woman (52) and I would trust her judgement if She really things something is inappropriate.  I would simply say keep Your eyes open - don't alarm anyone if things look okay to You but I think You can judge between "openness and genuine affection" and what might be "inappropriate".  Bottom line, I hope all is well here.

[AnnieBrooke]

Just so you know, I'm often in the bathtub with my son, age 5, and help him dress (as does his dad), and he and his daddy (or he and I) do wrestle, tickle, etc.  It was the lying-on-top aspect that sounded so odd.  Neither of us (parents) would lie on top of our son, he is so little compared to us (I'm closer to his weight than my husband, and I outweigh my kid by almost a hundred pounds).  That is why what you wrote sounded worrisome -- that he would lie on her, and not stop when she said she couldn't breathe.  But if you are getting a normal vibe from your partner, then I would trust it.  

You asked if a 7-year-old should be naked in front of her 12-year-old brother.  If a family is accustomed to nudity, and if the kids are indifferent to each other's lack of clothing around the bath and getting dressed, I wouldn't let nudity per se run up your red flags.  This is a very family-dependent thing ... if a family is more modest (or more uptight), nudity will not play a part, but if it's pretty relaxed about these things, it will not be seen as sexual by the kids who are used to it, or by the parents either.

[nursegirl6572]

I couldn't agree with SM more.  My son is 6, I also help him with showering, and other things that would involve him being naked (helping with swim suit, etc).  I also cuddle, and kiss, and act playful with him.  We even occasionally wrestle and do things like that.  

I too, think it's sad that so many people are SO conditioned to see things that aren't there.  I'm ALL for protecting our children 100%, but I think ESPECIALLY for a person that does not have that experience of having childen of his/her own, it's just so hard to judge, and not fair to do so.

I'm going to re-post a quote from SM, because she explained what I'm thinking very well:

"Strange to me that we come into the lives of a father and daughter and they do things that many parents do playfully with their kids and it is seen as sexual."

[bettybe]

this is the first time that i see this, i was confuse because i don't have kids, but i am very sure now that he did it without bad intentions and he was no realizing what he was doing, I'm pretty sure this won't happened again!!



Thanks everyone for the advices

[specialmom]

What troubles me is that this is normal intereaction for many parents----  I am in the bathroom with my boys when they shower at ages 7 and 8 often and even help with shampoo rinsing sometimes. I also am not uncomfortable laying down with my kiddos, wrestling with them, kissing them on the cheeks, etc.  Am I wrong to do that???

Strange to me that we come into the lives of a father and daughter and they do things that many parents do playfully with their kids and it is seen as sexual.  

If you think he is being sexual with his daughter--------  you obviosly need to leave him immediately and call child protective services for the safety of the little girl.

By the way, my boys do change their clothes in front of me.  I don't see them as sexual beings but my young sons that I care for----------  

so, I just don't know.  You sound ilke you don't have kids.  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

This IS concerning.

You alluded that You have always noticed "something" with His 7 Year Old.  What other "something"(s) have You noticed?

As regards the incident You speak of here,
I note that You made the point in both Your posts that the Little Girl then asked Daddy to do it again.  Keep in mind, She's Just A Little Girl and is not thinking about this in the same terms You are.  I think AnnieBrooke's suggestion to speak to the Child's Mother is good.  You should approach Her about this as She might be willing to talk to You since You have concern for Her Daughter.

As far as the nudity.  I understand some Families do this but my feeling is that a 7 year old should be learning modesty and privacy.

If You think something inappropriate is going on You are morally obligated to bring attention to it.  You can't expect a 7 year old to know the right thing to do - this is Her Daddy and She loves Him,  a 7 year old mind doesn't COMPREHEND  what may be going in here as She doesn't even have all Her brain cells yet, She's still growing those!!

[bettybe]

Thank you Annie, the thing is the when he was on top of her, and he got up she told him to do it again!! i had a conversation with him this morning and i told him that was inapropiated  and he totally understood and he told me that he did not realized what he was doing, but i will paying attention any time that she is here with us, and I me and her mother don't talk, because she does not want to talk to me.
What about she been naked around him and her brother, her brother is 12 years old?
I don't see it right either.

anyways thank you

[AnnieBrooke]

I would say his lying on top of her is not appropriate.  I can't imagine an adult lying on top of a child to the point where she is saying she cannot breathe; I can't even imagine an adult lying on top of a child for any reason.  Therefore, along with you, all the pieces of the story sound suspect to me.  The looking, the kissing while lying on top of her.  Do you know her mother?  Could you have a conversation with the mother about this?