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1533382 tn?1357962152

16 weeks and very confused.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 1/2 years now and have had more than our share of ups and downs. we broke up for a few months back in the fall over stupid things but realized how much we cared about each other and worked out our differences.

Long story short, we had an issue caused by me back around January/February to where we almost split up. I sent some emails to a friend before my boyfriend and I got back together and even sent a few after we worked things out and my boyfriend went through my phone and found them.

We have been attempting to work everything out since then especially the last few months because I am pregnant and it is his. Im currently 16 weeks along and I couldnt be happier that this is happening. He seems to be happy about it as well and he seems to want to have this baby and raise it and be a family.

What I can't figure out is his attitude lately. I havent been the happiest person because I am going through this pregnancy alone. He goes with to the doctor once a month but aside from that he doesnt understand what Im going through so I cant talk to him about anything and I have no one else to talk to about it since none of my friends have gone through this or are going through this. Because of that, he goes out a lot more than he used to. Says he needs to do something to put himself in a better mood, do something to make him feel good for a night and get his feelings back in order.

Its fine when he goes out drinking with his guy friends or goes to a party at his buddy's house but I think its time to set boundaries when I find out he lied about where he was one night and instead of being at his guys house hes at the club dancing and flirting with another girl. He said hes sorry he did it but I was so unbearable the last few weeks that he needed to get out and have fun and feel good. Said all they did was dance and flirt and its not as serious as what I did, which in a way is true but not fully. Mine were just emails and even though I talked about it, I would never do the stuff in real life if given the chance. He was there in person with this girl shaking it and watching her shake hers (if you catch my drift) and flirting on top of that and he thinks its ok.

I really dont know what to do. Part of me says forget the family idea, he messed up and lied about it, just leave him and do this on your own but then another part of me tells me to stay just for the sake of the baby. I am at a big loss here and Ill take any advice that anyone is willing to give because apparently, love no longer plays a part from him to me and I dont want to waste my emotions on him when they could be put to better use with someone else.
10 Responses
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1666434 tn?1325262350
When I was younger I had the attitude that if I didn't expect anything, I would never be disappointed.... this was not a good theory to have with my relationships.

We do deserve to have expectations and boundaries in a relationship.  After having several that had none really at all I learned that the hard way.

What struck me when you responded last is you said this:

".i tell him im going somewhere for a few hours while he sleeps or hangs out with his friends and he wants to know every last detail and if they change he seems to get so mad that things arent going the way i first planned them to go or hell say yeah whatever when i tell him what im doing. "

I used to have to go through and explain detail for detail what I did, where I went, who was there, how they reacted to me, did anyone flirt with me?  if so what did I do, what did I say, etc. etc.  If anyone made a pass at me, it was automatically my fault, I led them on, I must have done something, yahda, yahda

I had no idea at the time that this is a form of manipulation and control.  When someone doesn't trust you from one minute to the next, something is wrong.  (this is just in my experience)  I spent most of my time explaining, getting upset for absolutely nothing.  Come to find out the person was cheating on me the whole time they were giving me a guilt trip for walking to a store or going out with a friend.

And what happens unfortunately is this behavior progresses, it doesn't go away unless the boundary is introduced and you allow them to know that this is unacceptable behavior.  The truth is they are either going to trust you or they're not.  Even in a relationship, nobody owns you.  As long as you are being respectable to the other person and not violating your own commitment to them, you deserve to have boundaries in place and you deserve to have expectations be met.  If you don't stop the pattern now, it's only going to continue and progress as time goes on.  Keep us posted.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, bringing a child into the world intensifies everything.  Even couples that have never had an issue at all will be stressed under the pressure of a little one.  And once the baby is here, expect that to get even worse.  I'm not trying to be a doggie downer, I swear.  And I know you say you know already, so I won't continue to tell you what I've learned to be the truth in life.  But do think about this-----------  a couple must really have a strong foundation to weather the difficulties that life brings.  You need to work on your foundation.  

If you do not like feeling like you are told what to do, controlled as to where and when you go places, who you  have as friends, etc. and you do not like this------------ fix it NOW.  Fix it before the baby gets here.  Do this by telling him it is a deal breaker for you.  That if he has a problem with it----------- this is HIS problem as it is not normal to be possessive like that within a relationship that is based on trust.  He'll either fix it or blow you off.  And then you must decide if you want to stay with him even if it is always that way.  

I think that wanting a perfect relationship is not a lofty goal----------- you SHOULD want this for yourself.  Otherwise, you set the bar for what you get very low and I'd guess that you've not had a lot of terrific relationships modeled for you.  Break the cycle and try to have as close to perfect a relationship as you can.  Mine isn't perfect but I want it to be so I try harder every day.  Set that bar higher for yourself.  

I do wish you luck.  I'm a little worried about you but will try to believe as you do that it will be alright.  May he turn out to be a great partner and dad and may it all go smoothly.  We are always here if you need us!  Peace
Helpful - 0
1533382 tn?1357962152
i honestly believe he loves me and cares about me and my well being and i know hes happy about the baby for the most part. his family was never together and the one time they could all be together his parents got a divorce, his mother never gave a crud about him and his dad went off and got remarried and had a new son he now cares about more than his first 2. im sure that goes into what his issues are now days but (and excuse me if this sounds mean) i dont think his issues at this point so many years later should be taken out on me for what they messed up on.

i was always raised to rely on only me for what i needed and know that if family could they would help in dire situations. i have worked since i was 15 years old and babsysat and cleaned houses since i was 12 to be able to get the things i want that my parents couldnt afford to buy me. i have joint pains from knee injuries and bad gene's that have given me slight early onset fibromyalgia in both knees and hips, and my upper back (shoulders and neck) but like my mother, i work through the pain because i just cannot afford to not work.

he does support me for the most part. as i said, most of my check goes for gas in my car, the car insurance on my car, my cell phone bill, and hopefully food on our table for the next 2 weeks. he pays our rent, utilities, and anything else we might need be it we drove more than usual and im short on gas money hell throw some in or we have to eat out a few days because i didnt get a big enough check and we made everything there is to make already and the rest of his money is his money. he saves it and uses it incase of an emergency and hes trying to save for his own car and for us to afford a bigger place once the baby comes.

he seems genuine most of the time and like i said, he never directly tells me i cant go see my friends or family or cant talk to anyone, he just kind of implies it. its the whole "women say im fine when they really mean somethings wrong" type of scenario..i tell him im going somewhere for a few hours while he sleeps or hangs out with his friends and he wants to know every last detail and if they change he seems to get so mad that things arent going the way i first planned them to go or hell say yeah whatever when i tell him what im doing.

hes not abusive. we have gotten in fights before where he had a chance to hurt me and he just walks away and breathes it off then comes back cooled off and ready to fix things.

i dont want things to be perfect, i just want them to be closer to "normal" than they have been. i dont want to feel guilty for doing things, i dont want to feel bad for expressing how i feel. i want to know him better than anyone else just like he knows me better than anyone else. maybe thats too much to ask from someone who has had a rough life but idk...everything with us was basically fine until this happened and i started actually looking at everything.
Helpful - 0
1666434 tn?1325262350
I really liked your post because first of all you said it all yourself--- You are not leaning on anyone in this situation, you are out there working and you are not afraid to get your hands dirty.  So I guess ultimately the question is does this person add to or benefit your life and the child's life?  Do they provide anything for you in terms of emotional support and benefit your well-being?

If your immediate answer is "no" then you might want to look at making a change before the baby gets here.  If you do feel that they benefit you, then ask yourself in what way do they provide for you emotionally?
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
No, I didn't think you sounded stuck up from your post.  I guess that when I was first pregnant, I didn't know what it would really be like to have kids.  And I was in my late 30's and a career woman with a husband that also was in his late 30's and we were trying for kids and thought we were prepared for them.  It was a lot harder than I thought.  So then I picture the situation you've described and think about what that would be like.  And . . . it is going to be really hard for you.  This is not to say I don't think you can do it.  That is not what I meant.  But the day to day of caring for a baby is a huge task and worrying about your boyfriend that seems to have some significant issues will distract you from what is to come.  

You lost me in my faith of this relationship working when you wrote of his controlling nature.  Isolating a partner is the first sign that someone will be abusive.  It is the begining of a trend and a miserable life.  If you don't believe me-----------------  maybe you can believe that it sets up a very disfunctional relationship based on someone's unhealthy emotional thinking.  If you had written about this guy pre baby----------  I would tell you to run as fast as you can.  That you stayed with him makes me wonder about some codependent issues you may have.  MOST women would not stay in a relationship with someone that cuts them off from others and controls their every move and lets them have no say in things.  I get that this was on and off and maybe you were trying to get away but you were back with him and got pregnant.  I see that as almost tragic for your life.  Not the baby part---------- babies are beautiful and wonderful---------- but that your life is eternally attached to his now.  

For the record---------------- it is not uncommon for a man to NOT get what it is like to be pregnant.  Some super sensitive souls do------------  but wanting someone to give you lots of empathy when he may or may not be thrilled with the situation might be unrealistic.  He doesn't sound like he is that kind of guy any way.  If he doesn't care about your feelings on the controlling aspect to this relationship-----------  he's not going to be sensitive to them about a pregnancy that he doesn't know how it feels.  

So, I don't know what to tell you.  I'd move home with your parents and make plans to raise the baby with or without him but not counting on him if it were me.  I'd not live in a dysfunctional relationship.  But I don't think you are there yet.  So, I can only wish you luck.  And I sincerely mean that.  
Helpful - 0
1533382 tn?1357962152
for the most part, he does support the relationship. he doesnt think what he did was wrong and the girl he was out with doesnt think it was wrong either however she said he shouldnt have lied to me about it and maybe thats what hurts most about it is that he did lie. he said though that he has been talking to her a lot about what im going through and how he doesnt understand because shes a new mom and she can help him to understand what im going through. well if he doesnt know whats going on with ME he should ask ME about it shouldnt he? thats the other thing i dont get.

and i do have insurance under my parents because im in school and if i needed to theres insurance through the state to help if all else fails. I also do work and have worked almost every day possible since i was 15. im not some rich, snobby girl who isnt afraid to get her hands dirty and expects everything handed to me on a silver platter so no need for any type of reality check here. im from a lower middle class family and have had nothing but struggle my whole life. and ive seen what some of the women in my family have had to go through to take care of their child and i know that im just as strong as they were to be able to just take a breath when things get difficult or dont work and try a different approach.

youre right, he and i were not planning a child and in fact, if it werent for this baby im pretty sure he and i would not be together. and there were fights before the baby where i left for the night and one time for the entire weekend. once we found out, we realized that through those fights where i was gone, i was pregnant and what if i stayed gone and then found out? would i have told him? would i have tried to make the relationship work as a family?

honestly, yes i would tell him and yes i would WANT it to work but i cant say that I would have tried as hard as i have been.

in this relationship, the only thing i have control over is how much i clean, when i eat, sleep, use the bathroom, go to my parents, or simple stuff like that. i basically only have control over myself and even that is limited. I dont know if ive mentioned before but because of problems between us from his previous issues with girl friends and him not trusting anyone, ive already cut out my social life way before the baby was in the picture. to make him feel better about us. that didnt work. if i were to try and tell him he has certain boundaries, it would get thrown in my face to where it would cause a fight and we will end up right back here.

we arent church people either so asking a minister or priest or whatever for help? not gonna work. most of the churches around here are strict. they help the community as a whole but as far as couples or individuals? you have to make a commitment to a church family in order to have that special attention and im sorry, im not going to marry myself to some church just for help even if thats my last option.

im not at all trying to sound rude to any of the help its all appreciated but i really dont want people thinking im a stuck up 21 year old in a bind whose leaning on everyone else for support right now. i work my *** off at a dead end job to barely be able to pay my bills and get by and get food on the table every night not to mention put gas in our only car (my car) for the every day 35 minute drive to and from work. im up to my neck in student loans because my family makes too much for me to get state grants and im not even close to finishing my degree for teaching since my college took out the program. i do what i can when i can for extra cash like cleaning or babysitting because whatever little we get can take us a long way. i count on me and only me to get by and dont expect handouts from anyone because there arent very many hands around me anymore since this baby happened.
Helpful - 0
1666434 tn?1325262350
Some men react terrible to pregnancy and their reaction can indicate where they are going to be for you and your child going forward.  It is very crucial to set boundaries for your relationship.  What is acceptable to you and what is not acceptable?  You have a lot to take care of being pregnant that you don't need to worry about someone else's behaviors on top of that.

He will either listen up to what you are saying or protest them.  The point is though you do have control over the situation to a certain extent.  The last thing you need to be worried about is an emotional roller coaster relationship.  He either is going to support the relationship or undermine it.  Keep us posted.  Just remember you are not alone in this.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Reality is that you two didn't sit down and decide to have a child together.  It kind of just happened. That means that your guy is going to have to adjust.  He may be happy about it at times and he may be unhappy about it at times.  Reality.  

I'm worried about you two.  There are some things here that are not great for a longterm relationship or providing a stable home for a child.  I could list them but feel that probably won't help you as you are already knee deep in this thing.  But be aware that this is going to be very hard and will get harder.

Babies are lots of work.  You'll be up at night, joined at the hip to the child, finances will be stretched for baby needs, if you work-------------  which it sounds like you need to for financial reasons for sure, you'll have to consider your child care, etc.  You should think about how you will be an adult that can sustain yourself without your parents or a man that might leave you--------  so I'd suggest you take the time before the baby and beyond to get some job training so you can take care of yourself and your child.  Also, what about insurance to take care of your and your baby's medical care?  

These are the things in all reality you need to be thinking about.  Realistically what life will be like in 24 weeks.  

You can try to set boundaries for your boyfriend---------  I would.  And I hope that he does indeed want to be there and try his best effort in being your partner and father to the baby. I really do.  He is sticking around so that is good.  

Counseling is expensive if you do not have insurance.  What about church?  They often have things for couples if you are active there.  Many ministers have social work training and provide some counseling for couples. They have groups for moms and groups for dads.  Focus in these groups is family-----------  and plants seeds to people about priorities and being a good partner and parent. Some churches have couples retreats for couples in trouble.  So, if you are at all inclined----------  some churches can help a family with these things.  Also, I have heard that the YWCA can provide counseling for couples at little or no charge.  

Anyway, I do wish you luck.  I've got two kids myself and I will tell you that the real work in both being a parent and keeping my marriage together started AFTER they were born.  

I
Helpful - 0
1533382 tn?1357962152
He said he does want to do this as a family. He wants us to work things out and do this together so neither of us have to do this alone. Which I believe him to the extent of hes always been that type of guy because he grew up in a broken home and hes always said if he has a kid no matter what the case is with the mother he will try to make the family work for as long as he can so his child doesnt have to grow up like he did.

The part I'm worried about is it happening again. He is sort of controlling but in the way where he still has the ability to say, "I never told you to do this or not do that or dont talk to them"...he does it all under the radar. Voicing he doesnt like when I spend 3 hours a week at my cousins for a game night with her and a girlfriend to be able to get out of the house (even tho going there almost always makes me leave in tears because neither of them like him and think I should have ditched him a long time ago) or getting mad and not talking to me when I bring up a male co worker Ive become friends with. I have litteraly given up a lot of my friends because it has annoyed him.

When I turned 21, I only went out if he was there because he didnt trust me at a bar or club alone with my friends or family while I was drinking and I went out maybe 4 times where I was able to drink because I wasnt forced into a DD position and then I found out I was pregnant.

Im fully ready to be a mom I just dont know if ill be able to do this as a single parent. I have my folks I guess but I was mooching off them for years after getting in some financial trouble and I dont want them to feel like Im doing it again only now this time for 2.

I really am at a loss. Ive suggested counseling and hes agreed but neither of us have the money to go and talk to someone as a couple or as individuals either.
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
Yikes, well it seems he's not very mature and not ready to face the fact that having a baby is a life changing event.  Going out and flirting with girls isn't exactly showing his commitment to you, the baby and this relationship.  His actions are telling.  He's not ready to be a family.  You both definitely need to communicate about what your wants are.  Does he want to be a family?  If he does then he needs to understand that things will be different, especially when the baby is born and is ready to take on this responsibility.  If he is, then yes, there are particular boundaries that need to be set.  If he's not ready to commit himself though, you can't force it.  Just prepare yourself for the worse case scenario and make sure you're ready to be a parent yourself.  You can only rely on yourself unfortunately.  But I would discuss your issues with him.  Whether he likes it or not, this child is coming and he needs to man up.
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