29 year old son wants to move back in and it's causing marriage problems.

[justme1119]

I've been married 32 years.  I have four children.  My second son is 29 and he is addicted to pot, pain pills, alchohol and who knows what.  He has caused nothing but conflict and heartache since he was 15 yrs. old.  My husband keeps helping him over and over and over--my mother does too.  Recently he has asked to live with us until he gets "on his feet."  He has no money and no place to live, but always seems to be able to find a job.  He's had probably 15 to 20 jobs over the last 4 years.  I said, NO, I will not have him live with us.  We still have a sixteen year old son at home who has been greatly affected by all of this.  My husband wants me to leave so that my son can come and live here.  He has said hurtful things to me and basically said he's willing to give up on our marriage since I won't let him come live here.  I know this is totally f'd up, but I've stayed too long and now I'm not able to work and would not have health insurance if I left.  Sometimes I think, what is there to live for.  My husband would be happy if I just disappeared.  I'm nothing but a burden to him.  My other sons 31, 20, and 16 would miss me for a little while, but they'd probably get over it fast.  I'm so sad.

[RockRose]

Yours is a very unusual family dynamic,  justme.    It's very rare that when an adult son is struggling,  the mother wants to cut him out of her life and the father and maternal grandma are fighting for him.  That's just a very rare dynamic.  

I don't know if you were just blowing off steam when you said your kids would get over your death quickly,  or if that's the real truth - that you aren't connected to any of your 4 sons.

It sounds to me like you might be brushed with the same depression your son is,  and he's self-medicating but you're not getting any help whatsoever for your struggles.

Can you seek therapy?  I don't know if you're just kind of venting on this board,  or if this is the kind of thing you say to your family sometimes - that you're nothing but a burden,  and no one would really grieve if you were gone.  Either way, it sounds like you could benefit from family therapy and maybe anti-depressants.

Best wishes.

[Deb179]

Hi there
Your post makes me sad, please let those thoughts go. ..your just as valuable as any one else.
You clearly understand the enabling going on,  really tough when only you see it, and know where its going to lead.  So frustrating.
only you know when you've had enough,  sounds like your so close.
I was  in a simular situation,  different reasons,  but made to feel I could so easily be replaced.  I first felt like you...then i decided...no way would i give anyone that kind of control over me.
replace me !!!!
I started living my life for me, I like it, he's not so happy now though :)
the attitudes change when they know you no longer care what they think of you.  
32 years is a long time, your husband will always have some kind of responsibility towards you. ..
your never to old to be happy !!!
I've met AMAZING people....you will too
here for you, chin up. ..I'm pretty good at girl talk :)