45 year old boyfriend living with parents

[booboo573]

My boyfriend and I have both been divorced twice. He was also in a 3 year relationship (living with a woman) but broke up with her last year and moved back into his parent's.  His story is that he's holding out for a house on a decent amount of property that he likes before he moves out of his parents.  My  advice to him was to get something temporary until he finds something more permanent.  Now he says he's also trying to buy a warehouse that he was going to re-sell for money, or that he could also live in.  Whatever. So that's his new thing now and said he can't buy a house when he's trying to buy the warehouse.  I own my own house and feel that he's a grown man who should have a place of his own. I'm not sure if I should give him ultimatums or not, because he really is a nice guy, but it's hard for me to go to his parent's house to see him.  I feel like we're teenagers fooling around in his bedroom in their basement.  He doesn't mind coming to my house, but it would be nice to hang out with my guy at his own place too. I mean, really.

[booboo573]

Ugh! Thanks guys! I appreciate the feedback.  

[specialmom]

I think this is REALLY bothering you.  Maybe it wouldn't be a red flag for everyone  but it is to you.  You sound like to different people.  You are a do'er.  Those are great people.  They make things happen.  They'd rather be busy than rest.  They have high expectations of themselves and others.  He's more laid back.  He does sound interesting and like someone with a lot of potential but you might just have a life time of wanting him to do 'more'.  

This just might not be a great guy for you.  good luck

[Londres70]

Well.....now that you know all this about him you're going to have to make a decision whether to pursue the relationship or not as you aren't agreeing with his lifestyle.  It's just not matching up with your lifestyle and standards.  

Look at his history:  "He was also in a 3 year relationship (living with a woman) but broke up with her last year and moved back into his parent's".....He has moved from place to place.  You would think he would want something of his own quickly.  

What if this "warehouse deal" never happens OR takes a very long time to happen?  Does he have another plan in place?  

Doesn't sound like this one will be great in the long run.    

[booboo573]

What if he has no intent of leaving and he's just blowing smoke?  He says he intends on leaving, but he also seems PRETTY comfortable living there.  When he finally told me in a FB msg that he lives with his parents he sent a pic of the house and how 'his door' is the door to the walk out basement.  So I was thinking, ok, it's almost like having an apt. above the garage or something to parents where you use your own entrance.  Not so much.  when I come there, he takes me through the main entrance, traipsing past his parents in the living room, and down into the basement.  Like I said before, instead of mature 40-somethings, it's like we're kids.  It's just weird for me.

[booboo573]

Right, it would be worse if he was 45 and NEVER left home.  I don't think I could tolerate that at all. That's why with this situation, I just wasn't sure.  I know divorce, etc, can be a financial set back.  after mine, i went to school, got a degree, job and bought a home and have always been very independent, so it's hard for me to see a man being dependent.  I think he should pitch in for bills and utilities, as he works full time and makes money off of a hobby of his, but he doesnt.  he says he trades off for work around their house.  the only work he does around the house is mowing the yard in the summer.  please.  when I was 20 living at home still but working full time, i always helped my mom with the utilities at least.

[booboo573]

He has money, so it wasnt for financial reasons that he moved back with his parents.  he moved back with them about a year ago and was holding out for his own place.  i didnt now until a month into our relationship that he lived with his parents.  i didnt think to ask a 45 y/o man right when we met 'so, do you live on your own or with your parents?' I guess I just assumed at his age and being through previous relationships that he was on his own.

[booboo573]

he told me about a month into the relationship.

[booboo573]

He has money.  The reason he is staying with his parents is because he was holding out for another place to live.  He offfered the warehouse guy 50K cash, so, no, he did not move back with his parents for financial reasons.  he didnt tell me he was living with them until a month into our relationship when i had told him how upset i was about a certain situation involving my older brother. by then I liked him enough and thought to myself, 'well as long as it's only temporary'.

[Londres70]

Agree with SM and Tink.  

Ultimatiums......I think not.

"My  advice to him was to get something temporary until he finds something more permanent.".......So, you are suggesting that he move from the parents' house, to this "temporary" place and then to the "permanent" place?  Sounds like that would cost him more money in the long run.  Isn't the reason why he is staying with his parents in the first place because of money?  

"I own my own house and feel that he's a grown man who should have a place of his own."......Then you should choose men with the own place or own home to date.  You shouldn't choose a men who is living at home and then get upset because you don't approve of his living arrangements.  Plus, he has already made plans about what he is going to do about the situation.  

You are lucky you are sitting in a good place, i.e. own your home, as there are many people like your bf that have to resort to living with parents for some many different reasons nowadays, i.e. divorce, the financial crisis, etc.

[specialmom]

Hello.  I agree with what all have to say above.  

He sounds like he's been out of his parents home but is now back after some set backs.  Divorce and separation from a long term, live in partner can be costly.  He's getting back on his feet.  He's not like a guy that's never left his parent's home, right?  I would listen to what his plans are and see if he is able to make them come true.  he sounds like a risk taker with real estate but also a person that sets down firm plans to get ahead which is a good thing, I like that in a man myself.  now if he NEVER makes a plan come to fruition, that is another story.

Anyway, you have to decide if he's 'nice' enough to allow him to live as he pleases for the time being.  If it is really unattractive to you, then end the relationship to be fair to all.  good luck

[ROSYouralright]

That was superb advice tink!

[TTinKKerBBell]

No You should not give Him "ultimatums".  Instead, You should make Your own decision about whether or not this is the relationship You want to pursue.

Almost always when a relationship fails its for reasons that are apparent during the courtship, but often, we choose not to recognize the red flags.

Good Luck With Your Decision

[ROSYouralright]

I understand what you are saying but did you know his situation when you started dating him?

[Life360_Dave]

Hi, sounds like he has some good plans and needs to save the money to make them come true. Nothing wrong with living with his parents to save money. Its not like hes just living there with no intent in leaving.