5yr old sleeps with father

My 5 year old daughter goes to her fathers house every other weekend..  he just recently moved to a new place 5 in 5 years uggg.  but prior to this place he had her own room.  now its a one bedroom apt. and when her cousin sleeps over the girls sleep on the couch or floor in sleeping bags. but she she doesnt sleep over she sleeps in bed with her father. She also mentioned that he cuddles with her all night long.  Now her father has a girl friend that been around for about 3 years now. I asked my daughter where his GF sleeps when shes sleeping with her father she said on the couch.  Should i be concerned that my daughter is cuddle/sleeping in the same bed with her father while his GF sleeps on the couch?  why isnt my daughter sleeping on the couch and the GF sleeping with him?

[AHP84]

Have you asked her father these questions?
I think you need to speak with him about this matter, because all we can do from a forum is speculate.
Maybe she sleeps with him because she has anxiety issues at nighttime when she's there, in a new home that he's just gotten, and she doesn't want to sleep on the couch because she's afraid. And perhaps her father doesn't feel comfortable having her sleep in the bed with him and his girlfriend, so he has the girlfriend sleep on the couch (and actually, this would be an appropriate solution, in my opinion). And in general, I see nothing wrong with a father cuddling his child through the night.
But perhaps there's more to this than I'm able to gather from your post--does your daughter seem upset or distressed about visiting with him, or express any discomfort about the fact that he sleeps with her and cuddles her all night? Has she given any hints that she doesn't like her father's girlfriend for any reason, or any particular actions about her father?
There are different ways this could be presented--and right now, I think the best thing you can do is communicate with her father, your daughter, and even his girlfriend. You won't get any straight stories or answers unless you attempt to communicate with them first, rather than a forum of people who can only make assumptions.
Good luck, and I hope you get the answers you need!

[laroo18]

Assuming this girlfriend is in the right state of mind I don't think another woman would allow inappropriateness even if it is father and daughter. I also think she is being decent by allowing the daughter to sleep in the bed instead of the couch.

[specialmom]

In many countries, a family bed is the norm.  If you seriously wonder if your ex is being sexual with his daughter, then you shouldn't allow her to go there, period.  But allowing her to sleep in his bed instead of his girlfriend when she is visiting to me seems like a kind gesture--------  both on his part and his girlfriend's part.  And cuddling is not being sexual.  

When we travel, we get a room with two queen beds.  My younger son sleeps with me and my older son sleeps with my husband.  We did this early on because my younger son falls out of bed and I put him in the middle and sleep on the small space beside him to keep him from falling out.  Now it is just our routine.  I cuddle with my boy.  He's now 6.  Am I a big weirdo doing something inappropriate?  I hardly think so.  

So, what you describe doesn't sound wrong or bad to me.  If you have other signs that he is doing something unacceptable with his daughter, then call the authorities and revoke visitation.  
good luck

[oscarina]

Today I decided I had enough... I'm in a 3 year relationship living together for 2 years  and she had her own room and own bed since last year I got my own place.. His 5 year old was living with her mom and now because I moved out she lives with him..living together she had to sleep on the same bed..OH LORD I was alwaysss uncomfortable...I hated it cause she kicks in her sleep 1 time even peeed on me and i would complain alll the time..but he didn't care..he allowed it.. I had to sleep on d couch soo many nights....he didn't care how uncomfortable I was..he let her have her way...
Now we sleep over by each other's house and this child sleeps with him in BED.... She has the same habit to sleep with her mom... She has to sleep in his bed otherwise she won't sleep... I had a serious talk and he agreed she would sleep in her OWN ROOM in HER BED..it was going good until he started doing it again...she got the flu and told me he is sleeping with her cause she is sick
4 days after I'm still sleeping alone...
Now I'm staying there for a week and she has been there for 3 days and again I'm sleeping alone... He even got intimate with me then went to sleep with her after..this morning I just couldn't take it no more..I feel like a GUEST in a house I use to live in... I'm not able to be free when she is there if I wanted to sleep alone I would stay in MY home..
I left today because I feel that I don't matter 1 bit when it comes to his daughter... I know u can love ur kids but this is extreme and crazy..u have ur girl in ur bed and u ain't gonna enjoy that???? He should he able to respect my wishes that when I'm there in his house I should be able to sleep with him cause that's why I'm there to be with him and
Not alone..when I'm not there she does what she wants..
I have a good relationship with her but 1 night she told me she wants to be in the room cause this is her house and I didn't live there... So today after being neglected I left.. I don't understand why this man is acting like this.. Come on... He is in a relationship with some 1 he should be able to respect my wishes how is it possible for us to be together if alone time is only when we r alone? Which isn't all the time since we live separate... S
ome 1 HELPPPPP me pleaseeee... I don't know what to do cause he doesn't care!!!!!!   "Other than a vow of silence to say that I can't do it anymore"

[nursegirl6572]

"I have a good relationship with her but 1 night she told me she wants to be in the room cause this is her house and I didn't live there... "

Well, this IS the truth, isn't it?  I mean, you're NOT living there, and while I could MAYBE see you being a little more adamant about it if you were living together (due to your comfort)...but to make these demands when you're coming to stay as a guest?  I don't agree, sorry.

I understand your frustration, but I think you're missing that this is his daughter, and she's going to come first (as she should).  Whether you agree with it or not, some people are more comfortable with the "family bed", and obviously, this girl probably has some seperation anxiety, maybe due to the divorce.  Your BF may feel better knowing she is with him, feeling secure.

My daughter slept in with my hubby until about age 6, and now my son is in with him (he's six now), it's just what we've always done.  I always sleep in the couch because I have horrible insomnia, and don't want to disturb anyone.  It's not like I got kicked out of the bed...lol.  But, I've never had an issue with it.

I think you have to either resign yourself to the fact that he is going to continue to do this, as he probably wants to, and accept it...or leave.  Those are really your only choices.  Are you really ready to sacrifice your entire relationship over where you're sleeping at night when you sleep over?  Obviously, she won't sleep with him forever...as she gets older, it wouldn't be appropriate.  That's what happened with my daughter.  When she started school, we told her she is a big girl and needed to sleep in her own room, in her own bed.  We're transitioning my son now.

Best of luck...just make sure you think it through, don't make any rash decisions.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  You've tagged your question onto an older thread and we try to encourage people to start their own question so that they can get a lot of responses.  Questions tagged onto the end of older threads often get overlooked.  You can ask your own question by hitting 'back to community' and going to the top of the page.  there is a green button that says "Ask a question".  

Ya know, it can be really really hard to blend a person's children and life that predates us into our expectations of what things should be like.  It's obviously really frustrating.  

The way I would think of this---  what you've described-----  is not so much a problem with the child.  She is very young and just doing what kids do.  Your problem is a relationship problem . . .  with the dad.  

He's not willing to compromise with you.  Now, I'll tell you . . .  as a mama bear to my own kids----  I also would not be a great partner to a new person in my life as I'd want to keep the same routines with my kids that I'd always had----------  but none the less, that IS putting kids above partner.  

If your partner is not wanting to compromise with you ----  then this relationship frankly won't work.  You will grow more and  more resentful of him.  The tension and stress will mount.  You'll fight all the time.  It can become a very unhealthy situation.  If he won't work with you for a solution that makes all parties happy (and again, I'd put my own kids first too . . .  not a knock on any person to say that, but just acknowledging that my priority would lie with my kids)----  then this is a relationship issue.  And I would consider that maybe this isn't a great match for you overall as a partner.

I feel for you hon.  good luck