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A real mess. Please advise.
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A real mess. Please advise.

have been dating my boyfriend for three years. Four months into our relationship I found out that he cheated on me with F. I confronted him, we fought, he begged for forgiveness and I stayed with him. A year later I found out that he cheated me on with four other women. We fought, I told him I'm leaving, he begged me to stay and promised to change.

I stayed and he did stick to his promise for the next two years. We grew closer, we became the best of friends, he took care of me and loved me and met my family. We talked about marriage in the near future.

A week ago, I found out that he has been talking to F again, the very first woman he cheated on me with. I was furious. I confronted him, he broke down, told me he was bad and that it was wrong. He said he just talked to her online for a couple of days and that's it, though I'm not so sure about this.

I am in a terrible situation right now. I cannot believe that he initiated contact with the same woman who he cheated on me first with.

I don't know what to do. I told him I cannot do this anymore, but he doesn't want to let me go. And told me he will do anything I tell him to and that he truly loves me and he hasn't been loved so much before and that my love will help him be a better man.

What's holding me back is that I truly love him. He has been there for me and he helped me in so many areas. He has always been so supportive and so patient and understanding. I know he loves me but I really do not know if he will really stop cheating this time again.

But since he's willing, maybe we could work this out?

I have been in bad relationships before where I've been treated badly. He was the only one who was so good to me, even my family and friends like him. But I don't know how to get over the fact that he cheated.

If I break up with me, I know I'm going to be in terrible pain and I have no idea if I will ever find someone. It's so hard where I live to find good and available men and I cannot move as i have family, friends, a stable job and my own apartment here.

If I stay, I will be forever doubting him and not trust him.

There's pain either way. And if I break up with him, it's loneliness along with the pain.

I'm in a terrible state right now. We are meeting in two days and I have to tell him my decision. What should I do?
10 Comments Post a Comment
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome.  Sorry you are going through this . . .  don't wish this kind of issue on anyone.  It does indeed hurt to be betrayed and cheated on so much.  Hard to get over even one time and your guy is a repeat offender.  

Really what you say is that your current boyfriend isn't as bad as the really bad boyfriends you've had.  I can't imagine what THEY did!  I also get that you are valuing being in a relationship with 'someone' (which translates to 'anyone') more than having a healthy situation.  That attitude is how he keeps you right where you are.

I guess it is your judgment call if you want to stay with him.  I think there is enough baggage and a NEW red flag that it warrants your moving on.  But you have to be ready to do that.  You don't sound like you are.  I am  SO GLAD that you don't live with him and aren't considering having a child with him (so many have kids before their relationship is rock solid and EVERYONE suffers)====  if you decide to stay with him, you make sure that you have NO doubts about his fidelity before a commitment such as marriage or a living together or a child especially.  

Don't let fear hold you in one spot though.  While dating is 'work' in a way, it is also about finding a great person to be with.  You currently are with an 'alright' person.  he's not great because he has cheated . . .   several times.  When you are with him, you exclude yourself from a GREAT relationship.  Fear makes you believe you can't have that or find that.  You have to fight that kind of thinking.

first, you have to be okay with being by yourself.  Wanting a man in your life is different than NEEDING a man in your life so you are willing to put up with bad behavior.  You are more on the needing side of things based on what you've written and that gets a woman (or man) in trouble.  You can be alone and be just fine and if you can't----  explore why.  Sure, I WANTED to be with a man but was also happy with myself, my job, friends, hobbies, etc. that a man was a major bonus.  Getting to that kind of state in life is really helpful because then you put up with less.  When you NEED a man, you will have lower standards.  

Anyway, the decision is yours but you do NOT have to stay in order to be okay.  Remember that.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
You describe my 1st Husband.  We were married 15 years, had 3 Children and He NEVER stopped cheating.  I don't know how many affairs He had but I did personally know several 'friends' and BOTH my Brothers' wives!!

EVERYTIME He was found out, He was remorseful and said to me almost the exact words You are hearing from Your BoyFriend.  Maybe the words and promises are 'standard' so they might have Their 'cake and eat it too'(?)

The affair He had with one of my Brothers' wives - He repeated ANOTHER affair with Her 4 years later!!  (sound like Your BoyFriend??)

Otherwise, my Husband was a 'good' Man, an excellent Father.  Treated me very well, provided very well and always promised He would never cheat again.

The best thing I ever did for myself was to leave Him.  My only regret:  that I didn't leave Him sooner.  There are no words in my vocabulary to describe the pain, the anguish.  I was devastated each and every time I learned of a new affair.

Of course, the ultimate decision is Yours but I feel absolutely sure Your BoyFriend will continue to cheat.  You haven't left Him for cheating (yet) and He probably assumes You won't.  My Husband was stunned when I left Him.  He had cheated so many times for so many years He felt secure that I would never leave Him.

Today He is remarried and is cheating on Her - It's a character issue, as in morals and standards - people don't change character - it's who we are

GoodLuck

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3149845_tn?1386354841
Hi also. Your correct, he does not want to let you go and he doesnot want to let any of the other girls go either. F is back and the other will be back as well.  Ok, men are said to have a strong sexual appitite and in many cultures men have more than one wife. The real problem with him is that hes a cheat and lier as he knows you want a monogomus relationship.

If it were me, id dump him like hot rock, go to a clinic and have some STD tests done and start over again to meet someone who loves only you.
They call guys like him a CAD!
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your reply. Its really the most painful thing I have experienced in my life. I never could have imagined that this sort of thing would happen to me, but hey, it did. I feel so exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I think I am going to let him go. At least then I can move on, find some peace.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you. Yes, my boyfriend does sound exactly like your ex husband. I'm sorry you had to go through that too. I guess I have to let him go. He should've changed by now. But he didn't. I gave him so many chances, but he blew each of them off. I was so good to him, but he chose to hurt me. Again and again. He was my best friend, my confidante but nothing mattered. I hope he will someday come to his senses. But I won't be around then.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your advice. I do hope that I will find someone to love only me. This is really one of the worst things that can happen to anyone.
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3149845_tn?1386354841
I dont know about that, I just lost a dear loved pet last week and by no means was that easy either. Talk about heart ache!
I think we just have to accept these terrible things that we experience, realize the pain will find its place and move on with something learned.
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1268057_tn?1399131913
SM and Tink offered some very valuable advice.

If he can't stick to a promise now he isn't going to stick to any promise after marrige.  Good thing you didn't marry him.

Good luck and decide wisely.  
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480448_tn?1403547723
I too am so sorry you're going through this.  I agree with the advice you've gotten 100%.  Read specialmom's post a few times, there is some really good, very HONEST factual info in there.  

You say he's a "good" man on one hand, but describe someone very different on the other hand.  A "good" man wouldn't do the things he's done to you, over and over, and THEN be selfish enough to talk you into staying again and again, so he can continue to have the best of both worlds.  That's not how you treat someone you love.

Hon, set the bar VERY high for yourself.  After you heal from this break up (and you ABSOLUTELY will, even though it will be hard for a while)...never settle for second best.  YOU and only YOU dictate from others how you expect to be treated.  Like sm said, your standards will change drastically when you go from NEEDING a man to WANTING one...I love that, and it's SO true, very very wise words.  If you're not comfortable with just YOU without a man in your life, you will likely keep repeating this cycle over and over of finding these men you don't treat you well.  Maybe look into some counseling to explore why that may be?  It could stem from a lot of things, an issue with your dad or father figure when you were younger?  Fear of abandonment (a history of feeling abandoned), low self esteem and sense of self worth...etc etc.

You will survive this and come out stronger and better than ever.  You need to end it with him, and move on.  NO checking facebook, no asking others about him....it really has to be a DONE kind of thing, to allow you to start the grieving process and get on with your life.  Once some of the pain eases up, and the anger kicks in, you'll feel a lot differently about this and wonder WHY you've let it go on as long as it has.  Be prepared for him to promise you the world when you go to end it, because he will.  It's manipulation to get what he wants.  Don't even listen to it, tell him you just want to end it, no discussions.

I wish you the very best moving forward, and I think you should be very proud of yourself for finally taking this step to reclaim YOU.  Be sure to lean on family and friends.  Take care.
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Avatar_f_tn
Just go ahead...exact problem I have faced in my previous relationship n yes its a character issue u can't change it.
But yes remember he will beg u again...will make a puppy face n so on...be stick on ur decision. He will try to contact u thru ur family or frnz...Remember onething u deserve much much better soulmate for urself...so cheers! N god bless
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