Relationships Community
ABORTION....
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

ABORTION....

SO I am 13 weeks and 4 days pregnant now. I do not what so ever want an abortion. But my bf / bd his family is Muslim and does not beliee in me having the baby or they will have nothing to do with me they say I should get rid of the baby then get married then have a baby cause it won't be pure Muslim. Even I'f I convert they still want me to get rid of it ..and it even says Islam is against abortion and my my bfs such a moms boy that he's all stressed and says if I don't get one we can't be together. I've been with him so long I'm so attached I can't picture myself with out him. I get bad anxiety when I'm away from him I almost get panic attacks . He lives in Chicago n I live here in Utah. And the other day he told me he's not ready to settle down and he dosent wanna be w me. So I got on a bus and told him and his family ill do an abortion even tho I just said that to come here to be w him...I'm staying at his sister in laws and she said I can stay however long and he just thinks I'm here for a few weeks for this but I'm not. I'm just saying all that so I can secretly be closer to him....now he's asking me when I wanna do the abortion ...what can I say that I can use to why I can't get an abortion Idk I'm emotionally I mess. I know you guys will say leave him and all that but I will literally have a panic attack. So I need advice for gettin an abortion that's bad facts about it so I can use it to not get one and tell him... Thanks for anyone who took the time to read this. It's just so hard!
Related Discussions
66 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
1712422_tn?1402008882
I understand you love him and want to be with him....I'm glad you have already made the decision not to abort. You can let them know it is too late, let him hear the baby's heartbeat, let him know that abortion could cause infertility down the road. He should understand and I have never heard of abortion as part of the Islam religion. I know adoption is an option...
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Three years ago I had an abortion cuz my mans family and everyone was telling me to get one. I felt so bad cuzi really loved him and my husband felt bad too about the whole thing.  During my abortion, I began to hemrage and almost bled to death. The procedure was only supposed to take 15 minutes and it took an hour and the pain meds had worn off and I felt everything. It was the worst experience and I was depressed for months. My husband and I decided we were ready a year later, but things didn't work out.        . We went through twomiscarriages that were   devastating and I did not think I was able to have kids because of my abortion. Im finally 15 weeks pregnant and could not be happier. I guess there was no real reason for me to have gotten an abortion except everyone telling us too.
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Thank you ...and its against Islam but he's saying since I'm not Muslim so its ok I can get one which I don't beleive him cuase he lies alot. But he went with me to an ultra sound and everything and was fine till he got back o Chicago which is were his entire family ridiculed him for what he's done so now he's sayin abortion :(
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Oh wow that's horrible , I know its so hard. but I'm so happy ur 15 weeks now congrats hun !
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Your about to enter your second trimester too so it would be harder to do. Just tell him Utah doesnt do abortions after the second trimester.
Blank
2008858_tn?1343847641
It sounds like its his parents you need to talk to. Explain you love there son and am carrying there grandchild. Good luck
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Well I'm in Chicago now staying at his sister in laws since his mom dosent like me much anymore and won't let me stay at her house. But its very complicated ..his mom dosent know English that well and she's very religious and there Somalian and she's mad cause everyone knows I'm pregnant now and everyone is talking bad about her and her family in there culture and religion
Blank
1806883_tn?1389046890
You need to stand up to them for your own pride and for the life of your baby, I understand how much you love him, but how do ytou think you will feel if you went through with an abortion, the man who you love wants you to get rid your yours and his child??, if he loved you as much as you love him, he wouldnt ask this of you, I also understand how strong a family tie can be but honestly he needs to grow up and stand up for you and his child, I would suggest to go and see their cleric, or what ever they call their religous leader, or another leader from a different mosque and talk to them, if the muslim religion is against abortion I'm sure it would be for all not just their religion, as far as I now ( which isnt too much) the muslim religion is a fair religion, I would be abit concerned for your saftey though... sometimes when dishonor is bought apon a family  no matter what religion it can get pretty heated and nasty, this is a toxic place for you to be around, you really should get some space between you and his family, maybe go at saty with your family for abit for soe time out
Blank
1806883_tn?1389046890
Oh and just a side thought even if you did go through an abortion I would bet my last dollar that once you had had it done he would no longer be allowed to have anything to do with you and they def wouldnt let you marry him or accept you into their family....
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Having an abortion isnt going to make people stop talking its just going to make them talk more. I dont understand how people can b more worried about there religion then over there own grandchild.
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
I just barly came to Chicago to be with him since I've been super depressed. I know he loves me but I feel like he dosent want to upset his mom. And that is a great idea..ill look into goin to the mousque and disscusing it with someone . And stacey10 you are absoulty right I feel like there just tryin to say that so I will do it and they can get rid of me. Which isn't goin to happen  
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Yes very true and I know its hard. Some peoples head are so far up there *** they can't tell what's right from wrong
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I agree with stacey10 most likely they are going to keep getting in between ur relationship, coming up with other problems or issues til he leaves u. Sorry to say but if he isnt standing up for u now hes not going to when they end up breaking u guys up.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I agree with everyone...they will forbid him from seeing you once its done. The thing is...if you think you love him and cant live without him...wait until you have your baby. It will be sooo worth it because what you think you feel for this guy will be nothing compared to the way you feel about the baby...the love is unexplainable...and i bet its easy for you to let this guy go then if it means keeping your baby safe...good luck to you!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I am American and I am also dating a Muslim who is from Senegal. We had issues with me being pregnant and not married. This is actually the second time that I am pregnant by him. The first time I decided to abort because we were still in college...which I continue to regret to this day. His family was devastated that I went through with the abortion. They didn't speak to me for two years. This time around, his family was nervous that I would do the same thing. However since I am now six months, his mom and his sisters call me often to ensure that the baby and I are okay.  However his dad is not okay with the fact that we are not married. However he has never suggested that I abort. I think that it is very suspect for them to ask you to do such a thing. If they are so adamant for you to abort that means that you can kiss your relationship with him and his family goodbye. I hate that you are in this situation. The largest issue that I have had to deal with as it relates to my child and his family is whether I will raise the baby solely as a Muslim because I am a Christian. I think it speaks wonders that your child's father is not vouching for you against his family. African Muslim men are raised to be providers for their families and to be righteous. He is showing you that he cannot be either one. This is a major red flag. I would go back to be with my family and if they chose to be around you and your child fine but if not then oh well. If you decide to go through with the pregnancy he may choose to disown you and his child. I feel so sad that you are in this situation. I know Taft you said you rely live him but your maternal instinct should be kicking in... Your child is now the most important person on your life...not him!!!
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Buggie is spot on! You think you can't live without him, just wait for baby. You will love him/her beyond words.  He will likely be forbidden to see you as the others have said. If you decide to keep the child but can't raise it, please consider adoption.  You cannot put his and his families wishes above those of God, or Allah in their case. Who will be there for you when you have the baby or the abortion? Not your BF.  Plus I've heard babies can feel pain after 9 weeks gestation age. There is another reason you can give him.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Is not easy what your going through specially when by your bf's family telling you about the abortion... its very clear they don't care for you or your baby. To God a human life is sacred and very much appreciated. If god were to ask you why you killed your baby what are you going to answer to him? If that family doesn't appreciate the baby your caring walk away!! Do it for you and your baby and if you get anxiety or panic attacks find comfort in your baby he/she is depending on you don't let your baby down. Best wishes :)
Blank
1035252_tn?1371343440
I don't have much to add to what the wonderful ladies above have already said...but don't let a man (or his family) force you into a decision that you may live with and regret the rest of your life...wish I could give you a huge hug hon. Good luck with everything.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Hi, my personal opinion about this whole situation is you shouldnt. 1. It can be dangerous to your body. If the baby doesnt come out completly with everything it brings then docs will have to go in and scrape all left overs and wash all that. 2. The second thing is the next time you might wanna have a baby its not going to b easy. Sometimes after abrtns there are complications.
Personally i think him and his fam are a joke for thinking of that and making you choose. A baby its a baby in sure you know that. Im christian myself and i dont believe in abortions when it could of been preventable. However The muslim religion thinks different, just b cuz he wants you to abort what makes u think he is gonna settle? He is risking whatever it takes to make himself look good :/ he doesnt care. He needs to man up and dismiss what his mommy and daddy are saying!  An abortion is killing aswell. God didnt pick you from millions of sperm cells for you to b cought up in this mess. If i were you, id seek the bible bcuz at the end of the day is your salvation with god not your bf. Second, what if he leaves after the abortion? What r u gonna do then. Youll probably feel really bad bcuz you aborted and 2 he didnt stay with you which is what you want....If you keep the baby, you dont know if his family is really reacting that way, he might just b saying that so u can abort. If he does leave and you have the baby, you can always take him to court for child support :) No matter what you do, pray about it first, im not sure if your into being muslim but you shouldnt bcome from a relugion bcuz of someone or bcuz of this kind of situation. That itself is a redflag! Talk to someone of ur fam see what they think....you shouldnt do it, babies are such a blessing. God sends them from above for a reason and he might just b testing your faith. I have a daughter and expecting another one in july, there not too hard to handle and believe me, youll b so gratefull for keeping your little bundle. Jesus Christ died for your sins, think about it! This bf if yours is really not thinking about you, his thinking about himself. Im 21, i can see that your trapped in a mess. But after what i wrote and ur still going for it, dont wait too long to do it. Babies develope fast and its heartbreaking to get rid of a baby. Jesus loves you i will be praying for you, feel free to talk :)
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hi,  well, this is difficult.  How do YOU feel about the baby.  If you do not want to raise this child or will resent this child because it caused the break up of you and  your boyfriend (although based on the dynamics of this family situation, that might not be such a horrible thing . . .  as I'm sure this is just the begining of family "involvement' with your life), then you are in a pickle.  Could you stay in Utah and give this baby up for adoption?  That sounds like the best case scenario, really.

I'm not going to tell you to get an abortion or not to, that is your decision.  I think you are entering murky water in which a second trimester abortion is more complicated and harder to get done.  You'd need to move quickly if you were going to go for that option.  I do think there is a bit of an emotional impact that comes with abortion.  Many woman do it as it makes the most sense for them at the time--------------  but have sadness about it that they didn't expect.  So, just prepare yourself for many emotions if you go through with that.

But I tell you, I'm awful concerned about your relationship.  Your boyfriend does not put you over his family.  That will haunt you over and over.  And as you did not grow up Muslim, changing just for someone else, accepting a whole new religion is hard.  I don't think personally we can fully do it unless our heart is accepting the religion.  Just doing it to be with someone is a recipe for disaster.  I converted to my husband's religion.  It was pretty close to mine.  I don't love it to be honest.  I would rather be my old religion. We do go to other churches besides just the church of the faith I converted to because my husband wants me to be happy.  But your boyfriend doesn't sound like he will much care about that.  

Where do your feelings fit into the equation?????  

Relationships that start out like that often don't go the distance.  

And I agree that if you have an abortion, this will be thrown back into your face over and over again.  

So, maybe go with adoption if you can do that----------  and see what happens.  But don't lose YOURSELF in the process of being in a relationship.  good luck
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
The only thing I can add to the conversation is this.  You need to consider all of your options at this difficult time.  (Thinking being pregnant and near this guy will change his opinion is probably not likely to happen.)  Besides abortion, you do have a few options.  Obviously, carrying the baby to term and raising the child on your own is one option.  Another is adoption.

I don't know what you'd do to change this guys mind right now, and I am not so sure that you have to pander to his mother's ego either.  This guy took it upon himself to enter an adult relationship complete with sexual relations.  He should have been adult enough to have taken the necessary precautions to avoid a pregnancy, but didn't.  (Live and learn, I guess.)  Now that there is a pregnancy involved, it is really time for him to join you in the decision making process rather than telling you what to do with your body and this pregnancy.

This guy has a major decision to make and make it fast.  You need to be prepared for every possible answer.  Do all you can to find a level of acceptance with any decision that he can come up with, because it may end up being just you and baby around.  Ultimately, this decision is your and yours only to make.... big decision for big people, and this decision lasts a life time.  Again, consider all options including adoption.  Adoption is a noble decision and there are millions who cannot conceive that would adopt this child and love it like their own.  (I was adopted, and there was no lack of love at my mothers house.)

Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Thank you everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it. I am not gonna do an abortion I'm gonna tell him ill give it up for adoption so hopefully he can be there for me until i have the baby and see it for himself and if its still he same I don't care I'm keeping my baby. I just need him till then for support
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
I'd be careful with that,  kiccolini.  I don't know the legalities here,  but I think if you are clear to him (and his family) that you intend to put the baby up for adoption he may be able to legally give up his rights to the baby - and then you're up a creek with no child support when you reveal it was a lie.

I think your plan has about a zero percent chance of succeeding,  and a big chance it will completely backfire in your face.
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Well what if once I see the baby I changed my mind cause a lot of people change there mind at the last minute....??
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
Sure,  I think a lot of people do change their minds.  But I don't know the legality of a father,  in good faith who signs away his parental rights believing his child will be placed in a secure,  two parent household - does he have to then take on parental responsibilities after already legally signing them away?  

I don't know.  All around,  I think this is a really bad plan to deceive everyone all along.
Blank
1712422_tn?1402008882
In some states whether or not he signs his rights away I have heard that they are still responsible for child support if they are on the birth certificate...might want to look into that!!
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
I am with RockRose about your plan.  Deceiving your bf to make him think or trick him into thinking a certain way is not the thing to do.  Just be honest about what you are going to do.  

You sure are going through some drastic measures to keep this guy coming around, i.e. lying about "this and that."  

Your statement......"I've been with him so long I'm so attached I can't picture myself with out him. I get bad anxiety when I'm away from him I almost get panic attacks . He lives in Chicago n I live here in Utah. And the other day he told me he's not ready to settle down and he dosent wanna be w me." ............. Well,  if some man stated he didn't want to be with me, then I would assume he doesn't want to be with me with or without a baby.   Don't use this baby to keep him "sticking around."  Sounds like you have issues with "neediness" and "co-dependency" that you should address.  You are trying to make this relationship work when there is NO way it is going to work and you are doing all these extremes.  Once he and his family see you have lied, WHAT THEN?  

Where is YOUR family in all of this?  

Your focus is on the wrong people and should be on the baby and yourself; not making his family and him happy and content.  Webbing lies together or as you call it "having a plan" will probably end up backfiring on you in the end.  

Be careful in what you say and do and just be honest.  Be sure you COMPLETELY know the legal aspects of adoption BEFORE you start signing papers.  

Specialmom and Anon 637.......will agree with them too.    
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Agreeing with the above smart ladies.  

It would be a bit naive to believe that a plan built on deception would work out for longterm happiness.  

The father of this child has asked you to abort it.  That is HUGE.  It should tell you a lot of things.  His religion is extreme (no offense meant by that!!  But if you didn't grow up with the views that it is better to KILL a couple's baby than to have a child before the woman has converted to the faith, well, that is extreme.)  and he is so attached to his family that he will not choose you over them.  Not a recipe for happiness.  

And I suspect that you will eventually resent this man for putting you in this position so much that it will fester and eat away at you until you can't stand him.  

You have much to think about.  good luck
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Oh no.... I would not go the route of deception.  Nothing good ever comes of lying.  It kind of sounds like you're trying to trap this guy.  What good do you see coming from that?  Sooner or later, there will be all kinds of animosity towards you and the baby.  

As a potential parent, it is your job to try and provide the most stable environment for that new born baby, and deception and lies DO NOT create a good foundation for any kind of relationship.

I think you need to look at this as if it is not some game.  This is serious.  This is real life, and its a babies life that you are potentially toying with.  Using a baby as bait, or some kind of experiment to see if an adult relationship will work is completely the wrong way to go with this, in my opinion.
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
I am not using it as bait what I'm trying to say is I just need him until I have my baby . And I'm not gonna be signing no adoption papers I just need him at a time like this and once I have my baby and he leaves then atleast ill have my baby. I'm not trying to build my relationship on lies cause its already not goin anywere and I might as well try to make it last till I have my baby.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Let me just tell you as a woman and a mother--------  pregnancy is the easy part, it is after the baby is born that things get hard.  

Hm.  Do you not see anything flawed in lying to him to get him to stay with you until the baby is born?  And then you won't need him?  I don't get it.  At all.  
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
I'm saying I don't want to be alone n if hes there for me until I have my baby then I won't be alone
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Oh my goodness.  Having a baby is not the answer to not being alone, you realize this, don't you?  

I'm not sure about your reasoning on these issues.   From other posts you've written, this relationship with this guy had major issues and yet you stayed.  And now a child is on the way.  Did you get pregnant on purpose?  

I am afraid that you are setting yourself up for a very difficult life.  
Blank
Avatar_m_tn
Why do you need him?  Do you need the stress this is causing?  Do you need to hear all of the grief from his mother?  That all sounds so desperate.

After this child is born, you potentially have a minimum of 18 years with this child and all that it can offer.... good and bad.  The 40 weeks of pregnancy will be nothing compared to that.  
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
Brice1967 and Specialmom have made some great points.  

Let me see if I have this correct.  You want him to stick around until the baby gets here knowing he doesn't want any part of this and then you will have the baby so you won't be alone?  Dear, dear, you must have some serious issues with being alone to go through all this.  This makes absolutely no sense to me at all.  Sounds like you are using this pregnancy and then later your baby to fulfill your needs.

You sound very young and confused indeed.  Is there any family that can help you or support you through this?  
Blank
377493_tn?1356505749
I didn't read the whole thread, so I apolgize if I am repeating what someone else said.  My concern right now is for you.  The posts you have written seem very concerned with him and how he will react, his family will react, will he come around, etc.  But what about you?  Do you really want to sacrifice your own beliefs for him?  And a man that truly loves you would not expect you to do something that causes you so much stress and sorrow.  If you do not want to abort or give the child up for adoption, then you need to tell him that.  His choice is clear..he can side with his family or he can stand up for the women he loves and his child.  Either way, he does have to pay child support as he was 50% responsible for creating this child.

It is your body and your decision.  But I don't believe you are doing the right thing by telling him you will go along with him, or telling him you will put the child up for adoption if you don't intend to do so.  You are only potentially creating more problems.  You tell him what you intend to do, then the choice is his.  Either way, if you have this baby, ensure you are getting child support.  You take good care now and don't allow yourself to be bullied by him or his family.  He needs to man up.
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Thank you adgal yes he does. And yes I do have issues bein alone I have bad seperation anxeity and being with him for almost 4 years I'm so use to him in my everyday life I can't ever picture him not in it. Yes I'm 20 yrs old n my family supports me but I just can't seem to get over him n now that I'm in this situation ..its just making things way worse. You don't understand when he came to visit n the day he left I ended up in the hospital cause I was crying so much I was hyperventalting and couldn't breathe n my blood sugar droped. I'm just scared to feel that way again
Anyways can u guys just tell me bad facts about abortion so I can tell him them please!?
Blank
377493_tn?1356505749
Honey, in my honest opinion, what you need to do is get help for you.  Not because there is anything wrong with you, but to help you get through the panic attacks, etc.  One of the best things I ever did for myself was make sure I could stand on my own two feet.  I am happily married with a child, but if I needed to, or anything ever happened I could take care of my son and myself.  It's important to know that you can even if you never need to.  So do what is right for you and get some counseling.  There is no shame in it...heck most of us need it at some point in life.  

The bad things in abortion depend on you, what you believe and how you feel about it.  It is a fairly safe procedure when done by a qualified medical Dr.  The negative of the situation is that it doesn't seem it's what you want.  So then you shouldn't do it.  Plain and simple.  No women should make that decision against her will.  It has to be your decision and no one elses.  That is what you need to tell him...that you don't want to and that you won't.  You have to stand up for yourself and what matters to you.
Blank
1962649_tn?1332448451
I think you are not fully mature enough to be a mother at this time. Your baby deserves a really together mother. You are not mentally stable. Be fair to yourself and your baby and let him be adopted. You won't make a good mother until you grow up and learn how to deal with problems and please get therapy.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Not trying to heap on you here but I am going to agree with Shell.  I think that at this time your emotional state is quite fragile and you aren't thinking straight.  Your boyfriend has cheated on you not long ago???  He's telling you he wants you to abort the baby.  He comes in for a visit and leaves you in a state of needing medical attention because you are so distraught.  This is just not stable at this point.  I'm not trying to be hard on you and not saying it as gently as others.

You are clearly suffering from anxiety.  If your family is supportive of you . . . THEN you are not alone, right?  

I think you've put yourself in a very vulnerable position and have been told by your boyfriend that he is not interested in participating in a pregnancy or a baby.  What can you do with that?

You need to work on how you can get healthy emotionally to mother this child if you plan on keeping it and by clinging to his being around occasionally while you are pregnant (as you do't live in the same city and only see him every other month or so) or clinging to the hope that somehow he is going to change his mind-----  well, that is just not a productive use of your time.

Are you working or on your parent's insurance.  I'm going to suggest that you see a therapist as soon as possible to help you clarify your feeings and figure out the best direction to go on.  

Your boyfriend knows the pit falls of abortion, I'm sure.  I think you aren't going to be able to change his mind with that.  

Anyway, I'm so sorry.  It is clear you are hurting and this didn't work out how you wanted it to.  I wish I could make it better.  But when you can't count on the ones that are suppose to love you------  then you have to count on yourself.  You are in the position of counting on yourself now and need to do what you can to get stabilized.  good luck
Blank
13167_tn?1327197724
This is an absolute train wreck.  I can't imagine your family supporting you in your decision to chase down this Muslim family that clearly doesn't want you,  or your baby.  And I can't imagine them supporting you in your decision to keep a baby and mother it as a single woman when you have such severe anxiety issues.

Your baby won't lessen your anxiety,  the baby will increase it.  You will NEVER feel so alone in your life as you will feeding your baby in the middle of the night,  all alone and completely exhausted.  

Any family of yours who supports you doing this isn't thinking ahead very clearly,  considering that you aren't coping at all with normal life right now.

I hope you are able to get therapy and better advise so you aren't stuck in a position you clearly can't handle alone.

Prayers.  

Blank
1935407_tn?1339237714
I just cannot believe reading thru all the comments and the only things i tell myself.. here i am badly madly want a baby.. loss my Baby Aidan at 21weeks last Jan 15 been thru stillbirth and till now still walking zombie... but there is other out there battle between keep the angel or abort it... i was like what a fair wild wild world is this...????? but dear poster... whatever decision u made at the end.... do me a favor... THINK ABOUT HOW MANY OTHERS OUT THERE LIKE ME.... :( good luck in everything... hugs...xxx
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
Totally agree with Shell921, Specialmom and RockRose.  

You are definitely in need of some psychiatric help and tons of support to get you through this.

I hope you find your way dear.  
Blank
2074965_tn?1333904556
Im really sorry to hear your situation. u seem to be a vulnerable person whose got stuck in a bad situation with ur relationship. I am a muslim and let me tell u abortion is a big sin in Islam.Killing any human without Valid reason or court decision is and abortion of a feotus???? a life which hasnt even come into being neither on ur faith nor ur husband-- HUGE MISTAKE

I dnt knw where ths situation will take u wether ur BF stays with u or nt but Open the Quran theres a vertse which clearly staes 'Do not kill ur offsprings for fear of hunger".....or go to a muslim scholar- a learned authentic renowned scholar near ur area and take a ruling it is called a FATWA. Ur Bf will nt be able to go anywhere frm there if he has an ounce of Musalmani in him!
U shud be able to find a good one in Chicago as it is a big city.
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Thank you asiansky. So what exactly is a FATWA..what Will it do.? I Will be sure to look into that ..can I just go to a mosque or how do u find a Muslim scholar.? And what exactly is a Muslim scholar ?
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
And for everyone else who commented..I would love to get some conciling I know I could benefit from it. And I don't have any anxeity EXCEPT for when I'm away from my bf but it goes away. I'm in Chicago right now staying at his sister in laws cause she said I can stay here for awhile. so I'm fine right now the only problem I'm having is trying to talk to him about it and make him agree with me . And now that I'm here its a little easier on me and the situation. And my mom and dad support me 100% and they would not let me EVER get an abortion or give it up for adoption.my moms already been buying me baby clothes even tho I dont know the gender yet lol and she's really excited and my dad talks to me everytime I feel depressed . I'm way stronger then I sound or am acting my ad says. But some therapy would do me some good to.
Blank
2074965_tn?1333904556
Well i dnt knw how things run there in US bt yes go to the nearest mosque or look for an islamic centre.chicago is a big city it shudnt be difficult finding one.
A fatwa is a religous verdict...almost like a court verdict. In an islamic country it would be part of the law if it was important but a muslim  is obliged to follow it if he really is wanting TO Do The Right thing from islamic view point.and follow Gods word in whatever matter or problem he is looking an answer for.
search on the internet for an islamic centre in chicago. get a ruling according to the sect  ur bf belongs to.
Blank
1962649_tn?1332448451
As some have already posted - the easy part of parenting is being pregnant! The hard work begins once the baby arrives. When you choose parenthood you take on a JOB that will last a minimum of 20 years--a job with
no pay, no days off and it's 24/7. And YOUR needs will now come last. Are you SURE you are up to this TASK? It's not easy - in fact, being a decent parent is THE MOST difficult job there is. And believe me it IS a job.
Blank
377493_tn?1356505749
Anxiety can be overcome.  I had massive anxiety issues when my son was born.  Full blown panic attacks.  I actually think I am a pretty good parent despite battling anxiety, but it required support and I got help.  Anxiety is a very real illness, and many of us require medication to deal with it.  I did, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.  But you are currently focusing all your energy on how to get this man and his family to accept you and your family. I'm going to be blunt...you cannot do anything to change their feelings.  Who knows if they will come around down the road, but that cannot be your focus right now.  You have to stop doing what you are doing, and the changes need to come from within you.  Honey, what are you trying to accomplish by going to a Mosque?  Is it to have them tell your bf that abortion is wrong?  Is it to try to get his family to acknowledge this baby and accept you?  You have to stop. If you are going to have a baby, and are intent on keeping it, you need to stop now, and you need to focus on helping yourself.  You are bordering on obssessive with this guy.  It's time to move on.
Blank
1962649_tn?1332448451
adgal is right--time to move on you are behaving obsessively and stressing out over things you can not control. Would YOU want to have a mother like you if you were a baby waiting to be born into this world? Or would you want a mature, confident, non-stressed out mother? I don't think you should even attempt motherhood right now. You don't seem mature or stable enough. A child needs a mature & stable mother. Here in the USA we have our prisons and mental hospitals full of people who had lousey mothers.
Blank
377493_tn?1356505749
Shell makes excellent comments.  You cannot parent effectively if you do not make sure you are in a stable position to do so.  Stop focusing on how to get him to change his mind, or enlisting others to help you do that.  This is not a religious issue, it's just who he is, at least right now.  There are so many resources available to you to get the help you need.  Leave his sisters house, go home, and start getting therapy.  This is overcomeable, but not until you make the conscious decision that you need help here.  And she is so right about the prisons and hospitals - children not properly parented and nurtured have so many long term issues.  I work in the area of social services, and trust me when I say I see the end result.  It's not pretty.
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
Shell921 and Adgal have made some very valuable points.  Totally agree this is NO religious issue.  

Get back home and get the help you need surrounded by your family.  
Blank
1415482_tn?1337188613
This about you and your baby, noone else. Its up to you, not even the father of the child can make this decision for you. It seems however, that your mind is made up, good for you. His family wants you to abort the child for religious reasons, they are worried about the wrong thing. They are worried about what others think but when it comes to religion, there is only one person who you should focus on. I am sure he would prefer you to have that child if it based on religion.

Your boyfriend...hmmm. It seems to me like he needs to stand on his own two feet for a little bit. I understand that many children live their lives based on the plans their parents set out, but there is a baby involved, its a living thing. He needs to get his head together instead of listening to his family's constant nagging.

On the matter of you, I get it. Love can be really crippling. But there comes a point where there are more important things in life that needs immediate attention. You would need to put your fears aside and do what you know is best for you. If he tells you he doesn't want to settle after you two being together for so long, he doesn't sound too fabulous.

Anna
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Thank you anna for your advice, thank u for understanding. I'm just tryin all I can to see were this Will end up and with or with out him I Will still have my baby who Will love me no matter what. And for everyone else I don't appreciate your opions on weather or not I'm gonna be a mature well fit mother . That's not even your place to judge me. I know I Will be an amazing mother to my child. And I know the responsibilitys of rasing a child I wasent born yesterday.  I know it ain't a easy job.
I just been letting my emotions get the best of me and its 10 times harder when u love someone and u feel so judged on not bein of there culture and religion.
And I know its all cause his family is pressuring him .
I know god Will get me thru this and give me the strength
Blank
1962649_tn?1332448451
I don't appreciate that you don't realize i am trying to help you. I have been a schoolteacher for many years and I SEE firsthand what damage is done to children who have stressed out, immature and unstable mothers. I can judge you by what you write for us all to read. You asked for opinions and you got them. Childrearing is such a tremendous undertaking and responsibility, and the price is SO HIGH that I truly feel you must feel with all your heart that it is a passionate calling. I think too many people have kids simply because it's the thing you're supposed to do. And you got pregnant by accident!
Healthy children need abundant & constant love and affection; the estimate is that it takes almost eight hours a day to raise two children to the age of eighteen. Are you able to provide that? Specifically, it will mean less time for career, hobbies, friends, sleep, your marriage, or your own self-care. It’s also no secret that children are expensive. A conservative estimate is that it costs $220,000 to raise a child to the age of eighteen. Are you financially prepared for this? I doubt it.
Blank
1268057_tn?1399131913
Didn't you come here for advice?  I really think we all would be doing you a disservice by posting advice that isn't honest and sound.  Plus, the advice/opinions are based SOLELY on what you have TOLD us.  We don't know you PERSONALLY to judge you.  No one knows the future 100% or whether or not 100% that you will be a good or bad mother, but your CURRENT situation doesn't sound like an ideal situation for a child/baby to enter and if it doesn't change and continues as is this will be DISASTROUS for you and your child.  If you think you are stressed now about this bf and "this and that," add the responsibility of a baby to that....FOOD FOR THOUGHT.    

Most of us are older and wiser than you; have lived alot longer than you have to know good and bad patterns and their consequences.  We are simply trying to SPARE you from further misery, heartbreak and despair.  

Asking for opinions or advice doesn't always mean you are going to hear EXACTLY what you want to hear; that may or may not happen.  

Strangers taking the time out to try and help you sort or figure this out is commendable in my opinion.

I would tell my daughter EXACTLY what I am telling you if she was in the same predicament.  

Go back home and get the support you need from your OWN family to deal with this and not from this bf's family who could care less about you.

Blank
2088407_tn?1333849575
I am very sorry to hear of these horrible circumstances. I wish nothing but the best of luck for you and your unborn child. I am not going to sit here and tell you that you aren't going to be a good mother because you're young and you suffer from anxiety. I will tell you that the probability of your boyfriend hanging around after the baby is born is slim to zero. That is very unfortunate.. Children deserve to have both of their parents actively in their lives, but that is not always the case. Raising children is difficult despite age or financial status, especially with the economy in the shape it is nowadays. No one is perfect and no one is exempt from mistakes. My parents were abusive when I was a child and it was a very tense household.. I am a good citizen, I finished high school and went on to college and have a good paying job (saying this is in reference to the person saying that prisons and mental hospitals are full of people who had lousy mothers.. I respectfully disagree... There is no saying why the person is in prison or have mental illness)
It is good that you have family to support you. Perhaps you will be able to further your education so you can be able to provide for yourself and your child. I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Also, I do see other people's point of views of your situation. They are looking out for not only your well being but the well being of that sweet baby in your womb. Try not to get offended. If people didn't care, hun.. they wouldn't be posting their opinions and advice to help ya ;)
Take care hun
~VQ
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Thank you vintagequeen :) good advice!
I know they care but I'm just sayin no were did I ask if I was gonna be a good mother or not. But other than that thanks for all the advice everyone
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
I think everyone is just really concerned for you kiccoline because you seem to be focused on things that are not going to help you or your child.  There is something in the way that you write that is very worrisome as if there is a total disconnect.  I think I personally am afraid that reality is going to creep up on you-----  well, actually slam into you and you are going to fall apart.  I'd like to see you living where your supportive parents are when that happens so you have someone to lean on.  good luck
Blank
2088407_tn?1333849575
You are quite welcome hun! Everyone here cares about your well-being. I know you weren't asking others their opinions of how good of a mother you will be. Being a mother is hard work for ALL mothers. We weren't born mothers you know ;) and babies don't come with instruction manuels. I think it will be very helpful for you to move in with your folks hun! The extra help will definitely be beneficial to you. I know that it is unfair that you must parent your child solo, but I am also so pleased that you didn't abort it! You have got a lot of courage sweetheart! I know you can do it!
I am sure you'll make a fine mother! But please move back in with your parents.. even just temporarily so you can get things figured out. It would be good for your folks as well as I'm sure they're excited for this baby!
Congrats and good luck hun
~VQ
Blank
1962649_tn?1332448451
no you did not ask us if you were going to be a good mother or not. but i have seen what kinds of mothers women in your circumstances make first hand and most of them turn out to be inadequate mothers. oh and vintage queen just because YOU didn't end up in prison or a mental hospital doesn't mean there aren't plenty of people who had lousy mothers didn't.
Blank
2088407_tn?1333849575
Shell,

I think you are totally being unfair here. You don't know this young lady so I don't see why you are so ademant that she is or could make an inadequate mother. There are several reasons people end up in prison or in a mental hospital. I am not ignorant to believe that some are the products of lousy mothers.. but I wouldn't say the that the majority of these people in those circumstances are there as a result of a lousy mother. I was trying to use my personal experiences to inspire others. I did not ONCE say that your advice was wrong or personally attack you. I was being very respectful and this is the second time you have needlessly retaliated on me. It is quite clear that you do not respect my values and opinions.. so I would kindly ask you to not respond to any of my posts or message me again and I will kindly return the favor. It is very unfortunate that you cannot see the value in my opinions as I have seen the value in yours.

I wish this poster well and I will gracefully bow out of this topic
~VQ
Blank
2021910_tn?1339900286
Vintagequeen. Thank you hun you are such a sweetheart yes I'm planning to stay with my dad he's gonna help me but he's gonna have surgery so I have to wait and in the mean time try to cope here until I can go there. It's just a very hard time right now...my bfs mom is just goin off about how I need to get an abortion and religious stuff and she's only worried about what the somlian community Will think of her family. So its kind of like he has to choose sides. Which isn't right but whatever happens I Will be strong and as each and every day passes I get more excited to meet my baby and I Will have to be strong for myself and my baby.it Will be hard but I know deep down I can do it.

And As for "Shell" I Will be fine and I know I Will be a great mother. And you should respect vintagequeens advice which there are a lot of people out there who grow up with lousy parents and even turn out better then people with stable parents. I speak of this from what I've seen and know. Not everyone is the same
Blank
1346146_tn?1299364097
I just read all the comments.  I hope you are doing ok.  I think if you focus on you and your little one and with the support of your family you can do it and be a great mommy.  I don't know if u ever got counciling or not but it is a good idea.  If you cant afford it you can go to any local church and get it free as most pastors or ministers are certified councilors.(no they wont try to force u into their church or religion, a lot if people worry about that) its always a good resource and its sometimes good to get advice from someone who is unbiased. Best of luck to you and stay strong.
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Lots of good opinions here.  I will say that even if something sounds harsh, if you look for the advice in it, it is there.  I agree that this poster sounds unstable and that she needs to have her mental health under control in order to parent a child.  I strongly urge her to move home to her parents and seek help on a few levels.  The anxiety, the unrealistic planning, the misplaced priorities are all pretty scary.  I hope she can find it in her to get help.  For the sake of herself and that baby,  Luck to the poster.  
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
hi im with a moroccan man have been for a year now i was told i couldnt have kids after an operation but 3 months into the relationship i fell pregnant he forced me to have an chemical abortion as i was very depressed i let him bully me i have regretted it ever since and have hated my self for being so weak .i have religiously taken the pill everyday since but despite my efforts i have just discovered im pregnant again im scared to tell him because of how he reacted last time his family wont bug me as they dont know about me but still worried what will happen when he finds out and i refuse the abortion so confused and worried
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
233488_tn?1310696703
Blank
New Cannabis Article from NORTH Mag...
Jul 20 by John C Hagan III, MD, FACS, FAAOBlank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
3 Reasons Why You are Still Binge E...
Jul 14 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eating: What Your Closet ...
Jul 09 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
Top Relationships Answerers
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
1268057_tn?1399131913
Blank
Londres70
France
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
3060903_tn?1398568723
Blank
Nighthawk61
Other
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
thatquietgirl