Aa
AFRAID OF BEING ALONE
Here goes another situaion that i am going through.........
I am involved with a guy for 8 years that i am not/have never been attracted to... just because he supports me finacially and he is good to me..... he actually has no fault but i am not romantically /sexually attracted to him....Honestly we are better off as good friends......BUT I DON"T KNOW HOW TO GET OUT OF IT.......
Through the years i have been with him i have always known that i dont love him and i keep trying other relationships(including the one where i was dispapointed by my married ex) which just dont work out then all i have is him left..so i hang in there...... Then i lost my parents when i was very young so he has supported me finacially and i fear that i can't manage without him....Please note that i have a job which is not very stable but i lack a social fall back position like family in case things fail...
The sex is terrible because i am not attracted to him ..so i cant imagine spending the rest of my life in arelationship or marriage i am not enjoying...I am scared of leaving him because i am not certain of the world out side ..What if i fail to get another one,or get disappointed just as always, i am getiing older (27)and i also fear to be alone since i have no family to lean on....
PLEASE HELP ME.....I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO?
When you have the opportunity and break away from your relationship then you will have a lot more time to kind of find yourself and see where "you" fit in. I am not going to tell you that this goes without challenges along the way, but I can guarantee that you will find a happiness in yourself that might be lacking from your current lifestyle.
Maybe start taking some small steps towards your independence so you can allow yourself to be more comfortable with the idea. After I was out of an unhealthy relationship--- one I literally hung onto because I felt I had nothing else... I sought out to do volunteer work in another state. It was a good catalyst for me and it gave me the opportunity to help others and view my life differently. I'm glad you are coming back and you keep talking about this, I think just having a place to talk can be a big help.
Maybe start taking some small steps towards your independence so you can allow yourself to be more comfortable with the idea. After I was out of an unhealthy relationship--- one I literally hung onto because I felt I had nothing else... I sought out to do volunteer work in another state. It was a good catalyst for me and it gave me the opportunity to help others and view my life differently. I'm glad you are coming back and you keep talking about this, I think just having a place to talk can be a big help.
'The good men are like the one iam not attracted to that is why i am fearing to dump him....Please note that i am also scared of being alone because i dont have a family to lean on when he leaves me.... He is all i have relied on for the last 8 years.... '
Then perhaps you will do well to be alone for a while. Alot of women have this 'thing' about being attracted to the 'bad' men, but it rarely ever works out well.
If you give up on going for the men you know aren't good for you, then one day you will find a man that makes your heart flutter but that is ALSO a great man that you can happily spend your life with. By going out with waste of space men, you are not leaving any room for that to happen.
I know it's hard to be alone when you have no one else, but it really is much better once you learn to be independant and care for yourself. AND once you've done that, again, you are in a better position to find a good man. At the moment you're needy and reliant, so you're going to attract the sort of men that think they can prey on that.
And you say you are alone but do you not have any friends nearby? If you don't, focus your energy on making friends, not wasteful lovers.
And you don't sound disgusting at all - lifes hard and there will be many other people doing the same sort of thing you are, it doesn't make you a bad person, but you're not happy so you should change your situation for yourself, not because you feel it looks bad to others.
Then perhaps you will do well to be alone for a while. Alot of women have this 'thing' about being attracted to the 'bad' men, but it rarely ever works out well.
If you give up on going for the men you know aren't good for you, then one day you will find a man that makes your heart flutter but that is ALSO a great man that you can happily spend your life with. By going out with waste of space men, you are not leaving any room for that to happen.
I know it's hard to be alone when you have no one else, but it really is much better once you learn to be independant and care for yourself. AND once you've done that, again, you are in a better position to find a good man. At the moment you're needy and reliant, so you're going to attract the sort of men that think they can prey on that.
And you say you are alone but do you not have any friends nearby? If you don't, focus your energy on making friends, not wasteful lovers.
And you don't sound disgusting at all - lifes hard and there will be many other people doing the same sort of thing you are, it doesn't make you a bad person, but you're not happy so you should change your situation for yourself, not because you feel it looks bad to others.
Do what you feel your intuition is telling you to do... if you think you should move to a new place, then maybe you should look into doing this. Perhaps try to find a job first in a location you are wanting to be. This could be a catalyst for you to get started.
You have the right ideas in your head, you just have to organize them and put them into action. When you start using your intuition and do what you feel is really right in this situation doors will open for you then what will happen is you will be too busy to feel "alone." You can do this, don't tell yourself that you can't--- there is always a way.
You have the right ideas in your head, you just have to organize them and put them into action. When you start using your intuition and do what you feel is really right in this situation doors will open for you then what will happen is you will be too busy to feel "alone." You can do this, don't tell yourself that you can't--- there is always a way.
Dear specialmom...
Thank you for the advise you give me...It has got me thinking a lot about what better decisions i should make for myself.......
Well...My decisions and the advise i get from people around me is not at all connected to drugs... Its just that we are in Africa where things are not obvious......its generally survival for the fittest ...That is why i have had to stay in a relationship because i needed to be supported emotionally and financially... I wish my parents were alive and my family cared enough to give me the social support i need...I would be in a better position to make good decisions about my like....
I dont want to say its too late to make a change....But i hope that i eventually break through this mess i am in....I am 27 years, most girls my age in my country have husbands and children so i already i feel a social misfit which is also eating me up ......Although i dont want to settle with a man i dont love ...
I have tried to make my self busy by doing school...That is why i have 2 degrees....My job has also made me busy BUT there is still a gap in my social life....
Some times i feel like running away from this place but it aint easy... i feel i want to go to a new place and start on a fresh page because this place has many painful memories of heart ache and maybe there no more opportunities for me here....
I AM SO SAD AND CONFUSED...WHAT DO I DO?..........
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are on track when you say you should leave men alone. I don't think you are ready to have a real relationship and I worry about the people you surround yourself with----- that their ideas of marriage and relationships are so skewed. Are drugs involved? I ask that because the scenario of the 'sugar daddy' is pretty prevalent for those living that lifestyle.
If you have two degrees and are working, you should be able to support yourself. Do that and leave this man alone. No, he is not forcing you to take his money. You are doing that. I'm glad you have a conscious about it and really wonder about those you speak to about it and the advice they give you. That is not quality advice and they must also have pretty sad lives. No offense, but that is my take on it.
And unfortunately, no matter what type of rationalizing you do so that you feel you can say you are not to blame for your situation------------ um, it is your life and these are the choices you are making.
You absolutely have to work on your choices. I'd strongly recommend counseling to sort out how you've gotten to this place.
Good luck
If you have two degrees and are working, you should be able to support yourself. Do that and leave this man alone. No, he is not forcing you to take his money. You are doing that. I'm glad you have a conscious about it and really wonder about those you speak to about it and the advice they give you. That is not quality advice and they must also have pretty sad lives. No offense, but that is my take on it.
And unfortunately, no matter what type of rationalizing you do so that you feel you can say you are not to blame for your situation------------ um, it is your life and these are the choices you are making.
You absolutely have to work on your choices. I'd strongly recommend counseling to sort out how you've gotten to this place.
Good luck
I know i must be sounding disgusting to you guys.........but i am glad that at least i have been able to open up....This has been eating me up
Well...I am not partly to blame....I have told this guy many times that i dont love him but he pleads for me and just doesnt leave me alone....
I have also had people tell me not to leave him because its not easy to find a man to love me,,,,I have been told that love is not important in a marriage that i dont have to love him now maybe later i will...
Please dont think i am lazy OR a failure...I have 2 degrees and working although my job is not stable..so i have really done something for myself,,,
To be honest...I think i should leave men alone....i am not going to date maybe for life .. I need to be alone for sometime...
Well...I am not partly to blame....I have told this guy many times that i dont love him but he pleads for me and just doesnt leave me alone....
I have also had people tell me not to leave him because its not easy to find a man to love me,,,,I have been told that love is not important in a marriage that i dont have to love him now maybe later i will...
Please dont think i am lazy OR a failure...I have 2 degrees and working although my job is not stable..so i have really done something for myself,,,
To be honest...I think i should leave men alone....i am not going to date maybe for life .. I need to be alone for sometime...
You said "What if I fail..." then you do so knowing that you are the one putting out the effort this time and you own up to it and try again.
Being with someone for the wrong reasons isn't going to get you anywhere emotionally, sexually or eventually financially.
Keep us posted and keep talking it will help you develop a new sense of the reality you really want in your life.
Being with someone for the wrong reasons isn't going to get you anywhere emotionally, sexually or eventually financially.
Keep us posted and keep talking it will help you develop a new sense of the reality you really want in your life.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Wow. This is hard for me to read. Your with someone just because they support you??? Yuck.
That poor guy!!
It is time to face the music of the life you've made for yourself. Hopefully while he was financially supporting you all these years you have done 'something' to make yourself a self sufficient adult that can live indepedently. That is every person's responsibility------- you included. If you haven't----------- you're in for some lean times. But that is due to your own choices. It is NOT fair to keep this man that you've never felt anything for but friendship and desire for his financial support ---in this situation. That is a big 'shame on you' in my opinion. It is taking advantage of someone and people deserve better than that.
So, it is time to get your life together here. Not to be too harsh but you've made a lot of poor choices and I hope that you can dig your way out and start living an authentic and happy life.
It isn't lost on me that this man is taking care of you and you are day dreaming about some shmuck who was cruel to you.
good luck and stay away from men for a while.
That poor guy!!
It is time to face the music of the life you've made for yourself. Hopefully while he was financially supporting you all these years you have done 'something' to make yourself a self sufficient adult that can live indepedently. That is every person's responsibility------- you included. If you haven't----------- you're in for some lean times. But that is due to your own choices. It is NOT fair to keep this man that you've never felt anything for but friendship and desire for his financial support ---in this situation. That is a big 'shame on you' in my opinion. It is taking advantage of someone and people deserve better than that.
So, it is time to get your life together here. Not to be too harsh but you've made a lot of poor choices and I hope that you can dig your way out and start living an authentic and happy life.
It isn't lost on me that this man is taking care of you and you are day dreaming about some shmuck who was cruel to you.
good luck and stay away from men for a while.
I dont want to hurt your feelings and please know that is not my intention. What I am going to do however is to offer you a few hard knock truths and you can take them or leave them. Please realize that people are in relationships for many reasons and not all of them are because they cannot live without the other and all that! Your situation is not uncommon. What is sad is that you are using this man for your own self gain and that simply is not right and is also keeping him from being withsome lady that will totally love him too. You need to take steps to go to school and get some degrees to take care of yourself financially. There are financial sources out there if money is an issue. Nursing degrees are in high demand and you cannot go wrong there, or a degree in business education at the very least. You are only stuck by your own limited views of life. What you are doing is taking the easy way out and then crying fowl. Im sorry, get up and get yourself back to school, level with this poor man and stand on your own two feet, otherwise you are a mere feather in the wind and your life will be a series of everyone elses decisions and none of your own. For instance, what if your meal ticket meets someone else and dumps you, then what? Take charge of your life or someone else will.
Like you said...I trully have men issues that is whay i think it will be hard for me to find a good one.....
The good men are like the one iam not attracted to that is why i am fearing to dump him....Please note that i am also scared of being alone because i dont have a family to lean on when he leaves me.... He is all i have relied on for the last 8 years....
i fear to get married at 40..What if i dont get children? I need children because they are the only true family i will have...
Thanks for the advise
The good men are like the one iam not attracted to that is why i am fearing to dump him....Please note that i am also scared of being alone because i dont have a family to lean on when he leaves me.... He is all i have relied on for the last 8 years....
i fear to get married at 40..What if i dont get children? I need children because they are the only true family i will have...
Thanks for the advise
Wow you've got alot of men problems haven't you?!
Do not stay with somebody because you are afraid of being alone - you will feel much more alone this way that you ever will when not having a partner. It sounds like this person is someone who could be a very good friend, just not a partner.
Also 27 is not old, not these days anyway. Some people take 40, 50 or more years to find 'the one' (whatever 'the one' means) so do not worry yourself that as you get older you have less chance of finding that person - you have more.
Think of it like this - you need to learn things from these past relationships that have been such disasters. You need to remember that these are the things you don't want. When you notice the same traits in men that you have seen in men you've dated before, stay away. You said in your last message that you are 'unlucky in love', but I don't believe this to be true for anyone.
As many people would say, you make your own luck, and with love, this is definately true. YOU choose the men that you go out with. Stop going for a certain type of man. Find yourself someone kind, loving and stable. Alot of women say there are no good men out there but this is a complete lie; they simply choose to go for the bad men and ignore the ones that are good.
Do not stay with somebody because you are afraid of being alone - you will feel much more alone this way that you ever will when not having a partner. It sounds like this person is someone who could be a very good friend, just not a partner.
Also 27 is not old, not these days anyway. Some people take 40, 50 or more years to find 'the one' (whatever 'the one' means) so do not worry yourself that as you get older you have less chance of finding that person - you have more.
Think of it like this - you need to learn things from these past relationships that have been such disasters. You need to remember that these are the things you don't want. When you notice the same traits in men that you have seen in men you've dated before, stay away. You said in your last message that you are 'unlucky in love', but I don't believe this to be true for anyone.
As many people would say, you make your own luck, and with love, this is definately true. YOU choose the men that you go out with. Stop going for a certain type of man. Find yourself someone kind, loving and stable. Alot of women say there are no good men out there but this is a complete lie; they simply choose to go for the bad men and ignore the ones that are good.
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