Abuse or not?

[countryrose]

Last nite, my husband and I had the worst confrontation in our entire 12 year marriage, and I'm wondering if I should leave this man. It began over a small stupid reason about picking up something off the floor. I was watching tv and my spouse who was constantly trying to interrupt my show got mad that I didn't pick up a magnet that fell in the kitchen, and I waved him off when he told me about it. He then through a piece of paper at my face to get me angry I guess, so I threw it back. He came over and playfully bit me on my leg. Still tempers were not flared.

After my show, I got up and pinched my husband on the arm as I passed by, and he lost it. He turned around swung his arm out and hit my arm and it also hit my chest in a full rage. He was shaking in anger and got up in a menacing stance...I was fuming and hurt, so I got the phone and hit him back on the arm several times...He grabbed my arm, twisted away the phone, and stood with it ready to hit me in a threatening manner. I was scared, but I stood my ground and stared at him eye to eye. He started yelling how he hated his living situation and couldn't deal with women and how it was my fault he got so angry. We both told each other to leave, but we didn't. I had never seen him so angry. I truly thought he was going to hurt me.I told him to get a hold of himself, and it was over...today I am angry, distrusting, and wonder if I am with an abusive man if this was the 1st act of this kind in all our marriage?

[boogaloo]

You both sound abusive.  You were just as violent as he was.  Definately some serious issues in your house and it sounds like you both could use individual as well as couples counseling.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

Well, I don't think either of you should be proud of your behavior,. you struck him in the arm first and things escalated from there.  I think both of your need to calm down and take a look at what happened.  

If this is the first time he has behaved in this manner, you need to get to the bottom of what is really going on with him.  If this is a pattern, you need to leave.

[countryrose]

I appreciate the honesty here. I am not proud of who I became and shocked myself. We both have quick tempers and refuse to take %%$$ from anyone, so we can clash. However, we have never hit each other or called each other names. This was an isolated incident. One which neither was proud of. After posting, today, my spouse and I had a heart to heart talk and discovered why there was so much rage behind our actions and how to be more supportive to one another. We both apologized for our actions and made amends. We realized that we both were out of line. I think I apologized more than my husband, but at least it was stated. My concern was if this was the start of an abusive pattern...However, I never thought that I was also an "abuser" in this case. I always thought that was something only seen on "cops" not in our backyard.

Anyway, I thank you for this...do you think that I too need some sort of "anger" management. By the way, I am going through some major "periomenopause."

[chellybeans]

just my two cents mind you...but why did you pinch him after it was all over?

it seems like to me this would not have started to get so physical if you had not went back after your show and pinched him.

not that i am condoning his behavior in any way shape or form. i have been with a true abuser. it was alot different in my relationship though. he would just knock the **** out of me (close fist usually) and then profusely apologize once he realized it was going to leave a mark.

just so you know...hitting him with the phone...bad bad idea. that is assault and battery.

here in Florida you would have been taken to jail if the police had come out. whether he asked that or not. it is mandatory. and the sentence for first time offenders is 6 months of bi-weekly anger management classes in my county. alog with court fees etc...

please be careful and try to keep your anger in check. i think you can work through this. when my abuser started to hit me it was usually slaps to my face followed by apologies, then it escalated. your spouse sounds like he tried hard to keep himself from hitting you. counseling may be a great idea to get at the root of the issue.

best wishes

[countryrose]

Thank you for giving me your experience with an abusive situation in relation to what occurred in my household. Yikes, I still am reeling about the fact that I hit back with a phone. In hindsight, it was a stupid idea...My playful pinch on the arm was as payback to his bite but way after the fact, so my response was delayed. That's why I did it.

My spouse is under lots of stress and seems to be very explosive on small things, but never hitting or calling names...Mostly complaining or demanding in loud tones which is where we clash. We are still very sensitive after the above mentioned incident. He's on vacation for the first time in a few years due to his schooling and work, so we are getting under each other's skin right now. I have chronic illnesses going on that add to the mix. I do feel (out of my nature) ,ever since my perimenopausal symptoms came in, inner rage and irritability more than usual. I thank you for your help!

[4EVERDK]

You are both abusive, so I don't think that you can say much about that.  It is never okay to hit anyone in any situation. I understand that people can get mad but that's when you have to be the bigger person and walk away... take a walk to cool down or something.  I think that you need to talk to your husband and decide together if this is going to work or not...

[countryrose]

Thanks for the eyeopener...I never in the world would have thought that about myself. While I'm certainly not going to make excuses for my actions, what would you have done had your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend slugged you after a light pinch on the arm that didn't even leave a nail mark? I felt that by responding I was defending myself as a woman about less than half the size and weight of my spouse.

[chellybeans]

sorry to interject, but as someone who has been through anger management i can so, NO you were not defending yourself. if you felt in danger you should have left. you said he swung his arm out and it hit your arm and chest. that's a bit different from what i would consider a slug(actually punching)

you overreacted out of shock and your own anger and it really could have escalated into a horrible situation. if you waited till after your show was over and went over to pinch him...you were starting the fight back up. had cooler heads prevailed you would have said" i don't appreciate the way you are speaking to me".

i get the feeling you are minimizing your actions here and there. i'm sorry if what i say sounds accusitory. it really is not, but you ask if he abused you or not... no, not really. but you, size not mattering here, did abuse him.  you said he playfully bit you. that means you knew he was playing. i would imagine your pinch hurt him and possibly shocked the **** outta him. i would flung my arm out at you too trying to get you away from me.   it's just the whole grabbing the phone and hitting him "several times" part that is scary.

you both misbehaved, no question, but you definately overreacted. next time you feel the need to defend yourself, walk away, that is what any anger management counselor would say. it's what mine said when i started fighting back. the act of defending yourself is to protect yourself from iminent danger to get away. you were angry and fighting, not defending.

i hope things have settled down...good luck

[countryrose]

Thanks Chellybeans-I guess I am having a hard time grasping that I was actually abusive. I really need to know from individuals like yourself who have experienced abuse/situations or been abusive what the bottom line is, and boy am I finding out. I reread my initial post, and while you are correct in every call, I need to correct that he just didn't swing his arm out. He looked straight at me (shaking with anger) and lunged and hit me on the arm with closed fist and it hit a part of my chest then bicep and sent me backward (not falling though) My mistake aside from the pinch was not walking away from that instead of becoming very angry and fighting back.

Yes, thank you things have settled down quite a bit. We both are quite remorseful for this "nightmarish" incident and clearly want show that we are sorry. Even if he chooses not to go to counseling, (most likely won't), I will. I think I need to learn how to communicate my anger and hurt differently and overall communication.

[WeMissYouDalin]

Have you talked to your husband about it yet?  I think it is important for him to go to counseling as well though, otherwise you could still be put into a bad situation, if he can't figure out how to control himself...

[countryrose]

I have and he is unwilling to go, makes all the excuses under the sun of why he doesn't want to.
I think he is afraid to go and have to think deeply about things and be scrutinized. He is a bit of a loner/private person and has always had negative thoughts about counseling. He feels couples should be able to work things on their own. Otherwise, they should separate.

[chellybeans]

ahh, it's sort of sad. men were taught for so long, that the home life is private and to ask for outside help was directly correlated to failure.

i'm so glad you are okay now and i hope it stays this way. if i were you i would be ever vigilant of the things that cause these anger flare ups in the future and work them out. if you are going to stay in the marriage and get counseling for yourself while he doesn't, the only suggestion i have is that you utilize some of the lessons at home, try to pass it on to him without being pushy.

take care of you first and foremost. then decide if the fight is worth it with your husband. you can fix the problems in your marriage, but it is definately going to be a joint effort. you just can't go it alone. you'll be bitter ultimately.

be well *warm wishes*

[countryrose]

I think you hit the nail on the head. That's exactly it. He's from the "old school" and yes counseling means failure. Somehow he has that ingrained since a child. I'm hoping he will eventually agree to it. For now, I will explore my anger and decisions i make and hopefully he will see that getting "help" doesn't mean the end of the world and our relationship.

Thank you
Chellybeans