Abusive Bipolar boyfriend

[kas129]

Hi .. I've posted here a few times over the last couple years about issues I have with my boyfriend, who suffers from bipolar disorder,  God, reading back on my old posts and the advice you all gave me .. I should have ran like the wind then. But of course, I didn't. Why in the hell would I stay with someone who treats me so bad?
Don't get me wrong, the last 3 years wernt all bad times.
I guess I've finally had it. We got into an argument a few weeks ago and it's just been esculating ever since. He went to vent to his mother who in turn told him that he should leave me and said all these bad things about me to him. So it pretty much goes from "I love you so much and want to be with  you always, you're the best thing thats ever happened to me" to the next day "I've had a change of heart and don't want to be in a relationship anymore or have the responsiblity of having to help raise your daughter (she's not his btw)"
It killed me at first and I offered to change or "fix" whatever problems he had with me. Stupid. We started getting along better for a few days, talking, even sleeping together. Then he says he still feels the same, that he doesnt want this anymore. That he does want this, that he doesn't know what he wants. But we have this lease together on our apartment and he wants us to finish the lease out until December and he doesnt know if he wants to sign another lease after this one.
2 nights ago we had a few drinks at a friend's wedding and in the car ride home he started bringing up our problems and we ended up in this huge fight and he kept saying that he doesn't know why he feels like destoying us, so, after listening to him put me down and everything about me down ... out of my own anger I said that I was so hurt and angry that I too felt like destroying us completely so I don't have to deal with it .. destroy us so bad that I could be done with us and never would he speak to me again, hurt me or make me feel like **** again, and I wanted him to feel just as bad as I do .. I was of course speaking about sleeping with someone else. Which set him off, started calling me names and putting me down even more, saying that he would think after 3 years of being with somebody I should at least wait 6 months to move on, out of respect for him  .. The things he was saying about me .. wow .. He took his aim and shot right where it hurt .. and I left the room and thought about it for a while. After a little while I went back into the room and told him that I was done, we are so over, Theres no way in hell I'm finishing out our lease, I'll start packing this week and make arrangements to be out within a month, that I'm absolutely done trying or fighting to keep us together .. DONE. He was crying the second I started speaking and I went to bed. The next day, I was at work and he texted me from his mothers cell phone "Having dinner at Mom's, FYI courtesy."  
I wanted to text back something about "courtesy" but didn't because it was her phone.
When I did see him after he got home he was quiet for a while then he came up to me and said that he was sorry, he said some really mean things to me and hes very sorry ... I just said well, whats said is said, you can't take that back and saying sorry doesn't take back what you said.
That was really the last thing I said to him, He kept trying to make small talk with me the rest of the night but I'd respond with short answers and go on with whatever I was doing.
This is crazy right? unhealthy?
I do plan on moving out next month, I was going to stay with my mom for a while out of state, but my daughter's father offered me yesterday to move in his house and save money for as long as I need to, rent free, just so we don't leave the state. I talked to my daughter about it yesterday and she's ok with it, she knows it's only temporary until I save money and get all this stuff worked out.
I'm just afraid that I'm not strong enough to do this. It's sickens me to think that he could come home from work today and have another change of heart telling me he wants this to work and will I fall for it?

[kas129]

I would like to thank you all again for the advice you have given to me. I posted this a few weeks ago and it all remains the same. Nothing has really changed. I have found it within myself to be strong and move on with my life. I know that I need to just let it be. And when I have my doubts, I come back here and read all your comments/advice from the posts I've posted about him and I and the problems between us that we've have had over the years and it quickly snaps me back to reality.
It's hard because I'm still here for 2 more weeks.  
Verbal abuse can totally damage somebody and I've been living in the hell for 3 years, I don't know why I let him make me feel so bad about myself. I feel so bad for women who deal with being knocked down for many many years and feel there's no escape.
I almost feel fortunate that with the job I have (I bartend at a sports bar) I have so many men who tell me how beautiful I am all the time, and I have the greatest family and friends who constantly give me the much needed pep talks as I am going through this.  It just makes me feel horrible for those that suffer way worse than I have.
It's hard when you love someone but know you have to leave. But I'm trying to look at it like, well at least it was only 3 years .. and not 20 years wasted. The last month I've been going through every stage of a breakup .. from denial, bargaining- trying to fix it, depression, anger, and now I accept it. I know that I will come out of this a much stronger person than I was before I met him - my old self again. And I know what I absolutely will not tolerate in the future .. I will not ignore any red flags again :)
Hugs to you all and Thanks again!

[specialmom]

Hi.  I think you are headed in the right direction and that is AWAY from this relationship.  Those with mental health issues can be difficult to deal with. While some things they can not help--------- I would suggest something else at play here as well.  I would not blame all of his verbal abuse on his bipolar.  That is why I asked about his medication.  There is something that happens when one is diagnosed with something like bipolar---------  it is the negative issue of things always being blamed on that.  I don't think that is always the case.  Your boyfriend has an issue with anger management and ability to control his mouth when upset.  That may or may not be bipolar related.  I say that because it can also become a habit to treat people in your life poorly.  I'd guess that some of this is going on.  From your description and then learning that he does take his medication faithfully--------  he may just be a moody, grumpy and rude guy with or without bipolar.  

Don't allow his medical condition to be an excuse for him.

And whether it is his bipolar or just how he is in general--------- either way, why live with that?  Don't feel guilty for wanting something better and more peaceful for yourself and child.  That is a healthy attitude to take-------- to want things to be better and to leave something that is just not working behind.  

So, stay strong---------- continue to make your plans to leave and then take some time to heal after that.  You'll be okay, I promise.  It is hard though, I know.  good luck

[kas129]

Thank you all for you advice and support. We've been together for 3 years and the whole time he has taken his med for the bipolar, but yesterday was his first session ever with a counsler. I didn't see him yesterday because I was gone for work by the time he got home from work and the counsler .. He just called me a little while ago and said it went well and told me a little of what they talked about but couldn't really get into it at work. As angry and hurt as I am I do still want him to get his help and I want him to see and understand what he's done/doing to me.
I've never in my life been with someone with bipolar and I've never been in a relationship where I'm constantly belittled and put down .. behind closed doors of course, He appears the perfect boyfriend around other people .. opens the car door for me, always holds my hand and shows affection
I'm not for a second saying that bipolar and verbal abuse go hand in hand, I've just never had any experience with either before now.
I've always considered myself a strong person but right now I'm just not. I would like to be again. This is the most stressful relationship I've ever had, I feel like he's totally knocked me down, the things he's said to me make me feel so worthless and I just can't stop replaying them over and over in my head. I'm just exhausted mentally and physically. My stomach is in knots and I think I've eaten in the last 2 1/2 weeks what any normal person would eat in 1 or 2 days. And even then I'm forcing it down. I know this isn't healthy at all.
My mind tells me to just run for the hills, and in time I'll get over him. I've started packing a little bit and keeping the boxes in my daughter's bedroom closet. Tomorrow I have an appointment to go look at this self storage place and I'll slowly move out some things. He will be out of town in the middle of August for a weekend so my plan is just to completely move out the rest of my things then ..while he's not here to try and stop me.
I do know I deserve better than this and thank you all again for listening, It's very appreciated and it helps :)

[jfish032]

Sweetheart, I was a very similar relationship. I dated a guy for three who supposedly had anxiety problems, but it turns out he's bipolar and I put up with a **** ton of abuse (all emotional), because and I still believe this today, he's a great guy. He ticks so many of my boxes: smart, ambitious, funny, charming, kind, fun, great cook... a real catch! And we had some really good times... I still miss him, but now I'm free and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I REALLY like what Brice said.  Best advice I ever heard.  This is the way we should ALL behave ALL the time!!:  THINK WITH OUR BRAINS.

What a wonderful, simple, workable idea!!  Of course, our hearts can participate BUT if we were to let our brains lead we'd probably not do such stupid, selfish things and hurt one another so.

You go, Brice!!

[specialmom]

Hi,  I'm wondering if he does everything to treat his bipolar such as keep his psychiatrist appointments, psychologist appointments and take his medication???  This is the key to controlling bipolar----------  

I must agree with all here that this type of turmoil isn't good for anyone.  There is an instability with this man that makes you uncomfortable and it is really horrible for your daughter.  

So, I think you know what to do next month.  But as you go, please encourage him to seek full treatment of his disorder.  good luck

[brice1967]

One thing I get from reading the above is that you have a big heart and you tend to think with your heart.  I think that is admirable, but I do think sometimes we need to rely on our brains for our thinking.... (hope that makes some sense to you)  What I'm trying to say is, if everything were hunky dory you'd continue to show your love for this guy.  

The fact is, things aren't hunky dory.  This guy has issues that you cannot repair, and you do not need to keep yourself in the path of destruction.  And for all things holy, your daughter doesn't need this for a moment longer.  Things happening today will affect her for the rest of her life....

I don't know how you can find happiness within this relationship.  I think the time is right for moving along.  I do believe in second chances, but hes had that and then some.  It's time to think of you and your daughter... both of you deserve a sense of normalcy and happiness.  It is out there, you just have to look for it.

[BluCrystal]

Oh, you poor thing... and your daughter, too!  Hugs for you both.  Bipolar disorder is not something you can fix.  It is not his fault any more than it's yours.  Your first priority is your daughter.  She is first.  Please, for her, do not do this any longer than absolutely necessary. - Blu

[cheshchesh819]

just leave this is not healthy for you and certainly not for your daughter,if you feel you can stay with your ex until something better comes along then i would do that,your relationship is doomed and in very bad condition,the way you both argue is beyond belief,when i first read this post i thought you were both in your teens sorry but thats how it came across,you are just both out to hurt each other now the love has gone,move on and be happy