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Advice, please help
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Advice, please help

I am having an issue in my marriage that I can't get over.  During my last pregnancy my husband was on a trip one weekend (an awesome trip and I'm totally aware of that fact) the Thursday before I had gone to see my OB and they told me that they couldn't find the hb.  I was devasted.  I live in a small town where we know no one because we just moved here.  

I really needed him here with me and felt like he should want to come home.  I begged him to come home early and he would not.

In my head I can see it both ways - I realize that he was on this awesome trip and wanted to be there but on the other hand I feel like he should have come home because isn't that what you do for the person you love?
Or maybe I'm jsut too giving - because I would have immediately come home if the roles were reversed.
Now it's been over a year since this incident and I can't get over this.  He basically says he did what he did because he thought it was the right thing to do and then gets mad and just says maybe he's an a** hole blah blah blah.

it's not about the old incident - well it is - but I can't help but think well,  if he did it with this - what happens if I need him again? I mean you'd think to hear him tell the story that it was something like a broken fingernail.  
I don't know any thoughts? I hate being so pissed off over something that I can't move on -
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973741_tn?1342346373
Well, your husband let you down and wasn't there for you and that hurts.  And you resent it.  And you worry that he puts other things over and above you.  And it sounds like he does.  His own good time and awesome trip were more important  than your feelings.

Did you end up losing the baby?

I don't know how needy you are in general-------  if you have had enough of these 'moments' that he is immune to your saying you need him.  I rarely do it so would expect my husband to take it very seriously.  

Has he proven to be inconsiderate in other areas?
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Avatar_n_tn
Actually the baby ended up being there and is a healthy beautiful 7 month old today.  I went back in for a scan before a scheduled D & C and there she was.

I have always thought of my husband as caring and everyone tells me how lucky I am to have him - he's a good provider, he is a great dad, he's a "good" guy... and there was a time when I thought that he was "perfect"  

I wouldn't call him inconsiderate just not considerate - if that makes sense? He doesn't go out of his way to do things for me other than father things.  

I am not overly needy, I do ask for his help with the kids but as for anything with me - hardly ever.  

I think for me the issue is that I begged him to come home - begged.  However he was a plane ride away - which I should have said earlier and I realize that not only did he really want to stay because he was seeing his favorite band (which I had bought the tickets as a present) but it was inconveinent.

It was just his inaction, pretend that you really are trying to get home to me, make me believe that if you could you would have done anything to get here but just couldn't.

Instead he just said he wasnt coming home early.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Here is the deal------------  he was a jerk.  Tell him that he let you down and when he gets mad and says "yeah, I'm an A. . . hole", then say, yeah, you really were.  My faith in you is less now.  

But what else can you do but that.  You sound like you don't have any other marital issues-----------  that this is just festering.  

What will it take to feel better about this??  I don't know.  But he isn't hearing how he let you down and owning it.  He's saying too bad.  And that hurts.  I guess you just try to forgive him for it.  

And when you say he is a good provider, father . . .   what about husband?  Do you still go on dates, feel close as a couple?  I'd make sure you keep that up.  I'm a mom too and know how kids can take over everything . . . . but man and woman need their relationship to be most important which ultimately makes a happy home life for the kids.

anyway, sorry you went through that.  I'm really glad that baby is fine and now your 7 month old bundle of joy!
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Avatar_n_tn
Ugh you're so right and I know that I just have to "get over it." I'm just really bad about letting stuff go - he ***** for doing that and it infuriates me.  Until he's in that situation, he'll never know how it feels.  

No, he's not a good husband other than he is great with the kids and helps around the house - but that doesn't matter to him either.  I don't want it to sound as if I'm trashing him because those 2 things are very important but he doesn't plan dates or have a romantic bone in his body.  If we do anything, I plan.  My birthday is coming up and he doesn't have anything planned - which doesn't surprise me.  He was alot more affectionate before we were married but maybe some of it's me since I resent him now.

But thank you for responding to me - I appreciate the insight.  I'm just hoping that one day I wake up and it doesn't matter anymore and I can say I'm over it.  Holding on to this anger is so tiring.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Would he consider a therapist for the both of you?  I ask because I think this represents more than just the event.  I know he really let you down but it sounds like he has a history of ignoring your feelings or catering to you as his wife.  The lack of ----- being a good husband to YOU----  does not go unnoticed on me.  You need to feel important to him as more than just the mother of his children, ya know?

You could approach it like you want to have the best marriage possible and you think that talking to a professional would help you feel closer.  

Do you think he'd go for that or would you be interested in it?  And if he won't go, a therapist on your own may help give you some ideas on how to deal with some of the hurts this relationship causes you.  A lot of little hurts add up.  

What do you think?
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