Advice please...

[msniki412]

Ok so I know many of you know my situation about me and my BF, about how we wanted a baby, but then we both agreed to wait until 1 year so that we were both 100% ready and also because of my health concerns.

But I need some advice now:

Me and my BF were at the movies this past Saturday night [we saw Blades of Glory...lol funny] Ok so we are watching the movie he has his hand on my thigh, and then all of a sudden he takes his hand to my cheek kisses me on the lips and looks me dead straight in the eyes and says "I wanna make a baby with you." I said I know we talked about it, and that we were going to wait with the baby, but he said he wants to start trying now. I asked him what would his parents think, because they already told him they dont want to be grandparents right now and he said that he didnt care what they thought that he's ready and this is what he wants to do. I mean dont get me wrong, I would want nothing more then to have a baby now, but I dont want to create a whole big mess with his family. We have only been dating for almost 3 months [May 17]. I know many of you think its way soon, but I just want to know what you all think.

My thing is I'm not sure if he really is 100% ready to have a baby now, because most of you know we had unprotected sex on April 7 and he kinda freaked out a lil bit so I took Plan B that day.

What do you guys think?? Do you think he was serious when he said he wants to have a baby now? I havent mentioned it back to him yet. I have been thinking about this since he drove me home early Sunday morning. We have talked on Sunday and today already, but I yet to bring up this situation still.

Also many of you know I have been having menstrual problems since March 2007, so my cycles are way messed up as well.

Thanks for any advice I receive. I welcome all positive and negative advice.

~niki~

[peekawho]

3 months is way too soon to know someone well enough to be 1000% sure you want them in your life forever, anchored to you with the lifelong responsibility of a child.

You posted a month or so ago that this was like the third guy in your life in the past 6-8 months.  Why on earth would you want to saddle yourself with a child with a man you barely know?  I have underpants older than your relationship.

Please, don't do this to yourself.  Don't do it to an innocent child who has no say if a couple of love struck people decide it would be romantic to make a baby together when they hardly still have leftovers in the fridge from their first date.

Please.  I beg you.  Don't do it.  THINK.  Use your head.  You seem like a relatively smart young woman.  You're getting sucked under the baby train.  It will irrevocably change your life, and many times not for the better.  Be smart, Get a good education, get a good job, live your life, travel, meet interesting people...anything but saddle yourself down with a child that some guy wants you to have.  

Sorry for the bluntness.  That's the way I see it.  

[PlateletGal]

Give it some more time.... three months is too soon.

[msniki412]

Ohh i totally agree with you, I just wanted some advice on this thats all. I know 3 months is way too soon to start a family, and I know once a baby is in the picture life is going to be very hard. Should I bring this subject up again, or just wait and see if he does? And yes there are alot of things I want to do before I have kids, so I am deffinetly going to wait with this. It's just that he caught me off gaurd when he told me this, because I thought we were off the baby subject for now.

And thank you for saying you think I am a smart woman, I try to be but I still do stupid things. I do have a good job right now, same job for almost 3 years now.

I think for right now, I need to get my health in order before I do anything life changing. And I honestly think I should get married before I have children, I mean if not then no big deal many people have kids before marriage. But thats how I always pictured things...find Mr.Right, get married, move into a nice house and start a family...I dont want to go to much out of order...I think before we bring a baby into this world I think we should A) be together longer aleast 1 year and B) live together first.

Again, I thank you for your advice and I will take your advice. I really do appreicate it.

~niki~

[peekawho]

Bravo!  You have a lot of issues in front of you right now, and a baby would only complicate things.  

You ARE smart!  Good luck at the doctors, btw.  

[BearHitch]

If after 3 months he is 100% sure that he wants a baby, why isn't he sure about your future together- like marrying you?!  I don't recall reading your other posts, so I may not have all of the details, but I agree with the other posters when they say that 3 months is way too soon!  You don't even know if this man / boy (I don't know) will be in your life forever, or even for a few more months, and that is not the time to bring in a child that will ensure that connection, even if down the road you decide you don't want to be with him anymore.  I would definitely wait... and more than just a few months.  In fact, I personally would get married before doing that (even just an engagement can end, I've seen it).  

[mami1323]

Let me tell you a little story.  My soon to be sister in law is pregnant from a guy she only knew for 2 months prior to her pregnancy.  She wants this baby but I believe is very immature mentally.  Anyway, she swore he was a great guy and that no matter what she was ready for a child.  Turns out he was still talking with his ex-girlfriend and telling her he loved her and wanted to get back together with her.  He told her that my SIL was pregnant but he wished it was hers.  How does my SIL know this, because the girl called her to tell her.  Now they are not together but have to forever deal with eachother because of this baby.  She can't stand him and is now stuck with him and all his drama that comes along with him.  The purpose of my story is, you can't possibly really know someone in 3 short months.  It seems to me that your BF wants to have a baby in order to hold on to you in some way.  My SIL baby daddy told her he got her pregnant on purpose this way she could never leave him.  Wasn't he surprised when she did anyway.  Now she was equally irresponsible for not using protection with someone she barely knew.  So if you to are not prepared yet to have a child with this man than I suggest getting on birth control pills.  Also, after knowing him for 3 months I would get checked for STD's.  Not trying to scare you but if he was willing to have unprotected sex with you after 3 months, how many other women has he had unprotected sex with.  I do think it's a good thing that you are thinking logically about something like this.  Having a baby changes the dimensions to relationships.  My best friend has been with her dh for 13 years, they had a baby a year ago and almost separated.  Just enjoy eachother and the time you have with one another.  Go out, go on vacations, have dates...once you have a baby it is no longer about you and him, it's about that child.  Do it when you are ready and don't feel pressured by him.  If he doesn't like it than too bad.

[msniki412]

Thank you for your story and advice...yes I agree 3 months is way too short to have a baby, I just wanted some advice on this as I have said before I thought the baby subject was gone. We have already had unprotected sex before [2 times to be exact] and I have been checked for STD's because I have been going through alot of tests lately due to my health concerns, and I'm clean and so is my BF.

I dont believe he wanting a baby so soon has anything to do with him trying to keep me with him...I already love him [i know love is a very strong word, but I really do love him with all my heart, and I know he love's me] so he doesnt have to worry about me leaving him, because he gives me no reason to leave him.

As far as the birth control pills, the doctors I have been going to will not give them to me as of yet. I do however have a prescription that my other GYN had giving to me [I am not filling it up as I am not going back to that doctor]
I do however have another GYN appointment on May 7th, so we will see from there. As of now we have been using condoms for protection except those two times we didn't.

Thanks

~niki~

[misscloey]

I would just like to ask you how old you are? I can only tell you this. I had my first child when I was 25 years old and happily married, I had my second child when I was 31 years old and still very happily married. Having a child is a HUGE responsibility and is a tough job even with a supportive, loving spouse.
My advice to you is to wait until you are in a lasting relationship with the person that will spend the rest of your life with you and your children. I know that scenario can never be guaranteed, but it can be a reality if you find the person that you are SURE you want to spend your life with. I thought many times when I was young, that I was in love and thought I wanted to get married and have kids with someone I was with. I am glad I waited. Don't sacrifice your life to jump the gun with some guy you have only known for 3 months. My god, I have been married for 16 years and together for a total of 21 years with my hubby and I still learn new things about him. Don't rush something as important and sacred as a FAMILY.  

[msniki412]

Hey there...I am 21 years old and my BF will be be 22 this year. I know you say that when your young you think your in love and your ready for marriage and children but your really not ready...however i disagree with that, we both feel we are ready. But aside from that, we are not going to have a baby now
[although he brought up the subject again last night]. Anywho, I know I am going to spend the rest of my life with him, he is only the second guy that I ever said I love you too. And yes, if you ever happened to read any of my other posts as many ladies bring up to my attention [even though I know this already] that this is the 4th guy I have been with in the past like 10 months. And that they all believe that this will someday end too, and that I will have another "love of my life" however like I have said I only loved another guy and that was 7 years ago [yes I know I am only 21, I had a BF when I was 11 and dated till I was 14 and yes I loved him]. My current BF I love him so much, and we spend so much time together and we know so much about each other and yes I still learn new things about him everyday [just like 2 weeks ago, I learned he was left handed...I never knew that lol] and yes he learns new things about me too. We plan to get married [engagment next year], we set a year already 2009 I'm hoping for a Spring wedding although a Winter wedding is very romantic. But like I already have said, we are going to wait with a baby for now, atleast until the end of this year possibly next year. Thank you for your comment : )

~niki~

[misscloey]

Hi, I know what you mean about knowing when you have the right one. I knew I would marry my husband the first time I saw him ( I didn't even know his name yet) We have been married along time. Still very much in love. I feel so blessed. I just want to tell you good luck on your relationship and to let you know (which I am sure you already do) that a baby can wait. Please make sure that you are secure in your relationship and can financially and emotionally raise a child. There is nothing more precious than holding that baby for the first time and realizing that you have never even dreamed of this kind of love. It is so incredible. So please dont rush. You will be a wonderful mom I am sure of that, part of being a good mom is having lots of patience. So this will be good practice for you.Best of luck and hang on to that guy of yours with love and friendship (not by having his child).
God Bless.    

[msniki412]

Aww, thank you for your comment I really do appreciate it. I hope that when we do get married we will still be in love over 20 years later just like you and your husband : )

And yes I do plan on holding on to my guy with all my love and I have to say he really is not only my lover but also my best friend, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Right now we are both going to just have fun with being with each other and now he is going back to school tonight [wrestling school] yay!! So I'm very excited for him, but also very nervous!! lol

Again, thank you so much : )

~niki~

[AHP84]

I wanted to share my personal experience with you, as a young woman your age (I'm 22). I got pregnant at 19, accidentally, with my BF that I had been with since we had been 14. We had never been with anyone else, we were the "love of each other's lives." We agreed we would not have an abortion, even though I had two years of college left and he had yet to even start college, not to mention we were both jobless.
The stress of the unplanned pregnancy and both our families ultimately drove us apart, and bitterly. Whatever could've gone wrong between us, believe me, it did. And neither of us, nor our families, would've thought things could've ended up as bad as they did. We'd been high school sweethearts, and had proven that we had a maturity level about our relationship that set us apart from the stats of high school relationships just being puppy love and then moving on to someone else in a month or so. But things hit rock bottom for us.
Regardless, with my family's help, I finished college with a baby in tow, and my ex BF got enrolled in college and was able to maintain child support payments without fail. He's a good guy, loves his son immensely, and spends lots of time with him, which is more than most people can say about young men when they find out they accidentally knocked up their GF.
But, the thing is, whether we had been ready for a baby or not, whether we had been married or not, we are still so young. Our friends have all the free time in the world to do anything they want. And here we are, devoting 90% of all our time and energy into raising and supporting a child. And it's exhausting work through and through--there are no words to describe it, you have to experience being a parent to know what I'm getting at.
Don't get me wrong, our son is the highlight of both our lives and we don't regret anything about having a child. What's hard though, is that we know things could be different for us today, easier, had we been smarter, more careful. The consequences have certainly been a learning experience, and not a bad learning experience, just a very revealing one.
What I'm telling you though, is things between you and your BF may be wonderful, and that's outstanding. But keep in mind a child is a permanent link to this man...I'd been with my BF for 5 yrs, and things went sour. So I'd highly recommend you really KNOW this guy. Go to pre-marital counseling, or relationship counseling if you're that serious about him. Having a child among you two and then having the relationship go bad and break up is unfair to the child, and creates extra stress between you two b/c you'll have to "work things out to some degree" for the child. I'm lucky b/c my son's father and I get along great now. Maybe we'll have a future together in marriage soon or maybe not, time can only tell. But either way, our son is our permanent connection, for better or worse. A "romantic moment" is how it all started.

[waitingwithhope]

Your BF is probably talking the baby talk because he knows how much it melts your heart. Guys know too that this builds an emotional connection--the way to our heart is really--through sweet comments and flattery (it is super flattering to think a guy wants to have a child with you). However, you must recall how he freaked out a bit when you thought you might have been preggo before. Bring yourself back to that moment and keep remembering that. I am guessing he is saying it, but not ready and I can tell from your posts that you are longing for a child but your head is telling you that that would not be wise right now. If he is the right guy, he still will be the right one years from now. And, you have many years left before you have to worry about fertility issues. It is natural to want a baby, even young--we were built to have children young. The reality is that a baby is a forever thing and guys are not necessarily forever as much as we would like them to be so. And...a baby is soon five, six.....twelve...fifteen... They don't stay cute and in that baby stage for long. When you think baby, think ten year old...and expensive shoes :) Hope everything works out for you. Take your time...you have a lot of it :)

[msniki412]

It's true, he knows I want a baby and yes everytime he say's it I smile and get that look in my eyes like 'oh wow' lol. But we both know that this is not the right time to have a baby. We both work and he started going back to school again, and I racked up a complete mess of credit card bills and so has he. I have a total of 7 credit cards and most of them are maxed out. Mentally I am ready for a baby, I know I can handle it, but money wise I cannot do it. I know he is the right guy for me, he tells me everyday and I do mean every single day that he love's me, I couldn't really ever imagine my life not being with him, he completes me and he is my soulmate. I can feel it. Everytime I look at him, or think of him I just get this huge smile = ) on my face and I know that I can look him straight in the eyes and say "I love you" and mean it every single time. My mom already refers him as "my husband" lol. She would be like "did you talk to your husband today?" I just laugh at her when she says that.

We have all the time in the world to start a family, I mean I didn't want to have kids until I'm like 22 or 23 or so, and right now I just want to enjoy the moments we have just the two of us together. Don't get me wrong, I would love to say someday "the three of us" but I know in time that will happen.

Right now we will continue to use protection, I have a May 7th GYN appointment and hopefully the doctor will finally give me birth control pills not only for protection but maybe it will also help my problem out as well.

Thanks ladies : )

~niki~