Advice

[guinness413]

Me and my husband have not been getting it along and the other night after we went out and I got drunk I got the guts to say I think I needed counseling to try and sort all of our marriage out and he was like good for you but hardly seemed interested. I mentioned divorce and how much that would upset me and the kids and he was very matter of fact about it like it didn't phase him. Do you think there is something up with him?

I kind of feel like he thinks all of our marriage problems are because of me

[guinness413]

No we have not cut contact because their son is my son's best friend and I hate to see them not be friends because of this. I have made it very clear all week how it upsets and I have been crying and not eating and sad and nothing; no emotion. He tried being a little nicer to me but in my head the damage is done. I don't know whether to stay with him or not. I had an appt to go to counseling alone but it got screwed up so I have since rescheduled but he said he would go after I went. I truly think he thinks the whole marriage failing is my fault? I asked him if he is in love with me and he hesitated and said yes and then he asked and I said I don't know

[mami1323]

Not at all and frankly I would be livid at my friend. You don't sneak around and talk with your friend's husband. I would've ripped her a new a-hole. There is a level of respect that both failed to meet. That's a double betrayal. So his reaction is "it isn't a big deal"? I would be very clear with him on how it is a very big deal and even if it isn't to him it is to you. So where do you go from here? Has he agreed to cut contact with her? Do you wish to stay with him? I think your marriage had issues prior to this and this was just icing on the cake. Would he consider marriage counseling? There is a lot to think about.

[guinness413]

yes and he lied about it. he just said he was texting his other friends but last month alone there were over 1100 texts back and forth and a bunch of phone calls especially during the day when he told me never to call during the work day. He finally admitted it after I told him I knew and confronted her and she said it was nice to talk to someone new and all it was was talking and nothing else; no feelings no hookups. He even went so far as to inquire about a prepaid cell phone so I could not trace it so my argument was if there is nothing going on why all the hiding and lying? Am I wrong?

[mami1323]

Wow that's horrible. Have you confronted him about it?

[guinness413]

not physically but emotionally

[mami1323]

Meaning he's been sneaking around with your girl friend?

[guinness413]

well it turns out he has been texting/calling my friend for over 8 months now; guess that answers that

[specialmom]

I agree.  You aren't messed up.  Relationships are really hard work.  And when our kids our little we spend so much time and energy on them that when they get a little older we start looking at this person we are with like "who are you?"  The goal is to not get to that point . . . but it happens all the time.  And it takes two to create the problems in a relationship.  So beginning the process of working on the problems could have such a dramatic and positive affect.  good luck

[guinness413]

thanks

[mami1323]

Your not messed up. There are a ton of relationships that hit a rut. I think you both just need to get the spark back. Counseling can help you with that and you can learn how to at least communicate effectively.

[guinness413]

I am but not sure if it is just because I am starved for attention and just looking for what I can't get at home

Hence, the counseling....seems I am messed up

[specialmom]

oops----------- the grass is NOT always greener . . .  

[specialmom]

Well, that would be a good thing to do.   Are you attracted to another man?  No need to answer here but remember the old addage, the grass is always greener . . . often turns out to be the case.  But you do need to decide if this marriage is one that you would like to do the hard work of getting it back on track.  Good luck

[guinness413]

thanks everyone for your suggestions; they are very helpful. I think I just need to figure out if I love him or if I am in love with him

[mami1323]

I've also had to do it in my relationship as well. The more we yell the more we push them away and get accused of nagging. I'm not saying to do everything but try asking for what you need. Like say this instead "honey I really appreciated when you helped me with cleaning the dishes do you think you can do them again while I give the kids a bath? That would help me a whole lot." No sarcasm but genuine asking of what you need. They like to feel appreciated for their contributions as well no matter how small.

[specialmom]

Here is a backward way of thinking for you to think about . . .  He says you yell 5 out of 7 days a week because you are frustrated by all you have to do . . .  Okay.  Remember when I talked about getting the ball rolling?  Yelling and being mad is not working for you.  NOt only are you still doing 90% of the work but your relationship is in jeapardy.  You are going to have to find another way of working through the issue of resenting what you do at home.  I've actually done this in my own relationship.  The nicer I am---------- the more help I get.  See, backwards thinking.  Don't shoot me.

Therapy will be very very helpful!

[guinness413]

I am going to go to counseling next week to start off showing I am making a move towards good. He just said out of 7 days a week, he is not happy with me 5 of them because I yell and aren't nice but I am not nice because I am tired and frustrated at having to do 90% of the relationship and house and family

[specialmom]

Teko, I agree with you.  The trouble is bringing a stubborn man out of his shell.  To fix a marriage, one person has to get the ball rolling.  You as a couple need to communicate-----  you shouldn't have to get intoxicated to discuss things.  But with that much of a communication issue, I think you are going to have to draw him out by talking about what he needs in the relationship.  Then you can assert what you need right back to him.  It is definately 50/50.  

And do not use the man with similar marital issues as backup for talking.  That will lead to big trouble.  good luck

[teko]

So make drinks and talk after the kids are in bed, or how about after sex? You obviously have problems you think need addressed and you gotta communicate that to the other half of the marriage before you can even begin to fix it. Most guys will let you be the one to take the fault in the relationship if you are willing to do so. Dont be willing to do so, it is a 50/50 proposition and he is the other 50. Communication is the key.

[Judy246]

If you were intoxicated and brought up issues that need to be addresses, he probably didn't take it serious, because you were drunk. You really need to find the right time to discuss your issues, concerns, needs and how unhappy you are feeling and ask him, "how can you and i resolve issues in our marriage that need to be addressed and how can we improve our communication?". Tell him you are unhappy in the relationship, yet would like to try to make your marriage work, so you will be talking with a marriage counselor or a priest, Rev., Elder, pastor, which ever religious denomination married you, because they are trained to counsel couples in crisis. If he refuses and you continue miserable, it's time to re-evaluate your relationship and marriage. Good Luck.

[specialmom]

Yes, the fact that you say your friend and you could open the other door-------  don't go there.  Keep it closed.  Surely  you have some friends with kids around the same age and you could make the kid swap/trade with them.  All you need is 3 hours to have a decent amount of alone time.  And if that is not option, make a date at home.

I think it would be helpful for you to say that you want to get better at showing him love.  What would that mean to him-----------  as in ask him.  Then start doing it.  I mean this because it can often start a chain reaction in a relationship.  It may not happen over night but it usually follows.  And you probably would like your spouse to feel loved by you, right?  Sometimes when we do for someone else what we would like, they follow suit.  I think you should try.

[mami1323]

That's a big no-no because it will lead to an emotional attachment that you just don't need at the moment.  Can you try making the first move or effort and see what happens?  See how your husband reacts?  I like specialmom's idea of making dinner and getting a bottle of wine and basically having a date night when the kids are sleeping.  You need to reconnect.

[guinness413]

My answer is I don't feel love and he could say the same. Too much fighting

FYI--my friend with the similar situation is a male which I am afraid opens up other doors if we feed off of the misery

[specialmom]

I have an idea, that friend that is going through a similar situation--------  do they have kids?  You could have her watch your kids one night and you watch theirs one night and go on solo dates with your husbands.  

Or set a special table and make something delicious to eat and get a nice bottle of wine (or whatever you are into) and get a movie for the kids and put it on.  Then tell him that you are having a date.  I've put the kids to bed and we've had a "date" after they are asleep at 9 o'clock at night.  

I think I would say something like, I want us to be a happy couple.  A really happy couple!  What things do you think we could do to be happier?  Then sit and be quiet and see if he says anything.  And just lead him into talking without grilling him but being open to discussion.  You could choose one thing to work on as a couple to improve things for a week or two weeks and then talk about how it went.  I know he isn't a talker and many men aren't  .  .  .  but trying to get from his perspective what the problems are is important.

If I were to ask you what the top issue between you two is, what would you say?