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Advice

My DH, until last summer had been having a long term affair. He came clean last summer out of the blue and ended it with the other woman who he said had no idea he was married - they were just having a very casual relationship. Our relationship has gone from strength to strength and I am fairly sure they never there was no contact for six months which is as much to her credit probably as his. However, in the last 3/4 weeks she has begun to start to contact him again and I think the scale of the betrayl has finally hit her. She would like to speak with him to try to figure out it out and get closure. He says she doesnt have many friends.
As he has told me that she has made contact and would like to meet I dont think there is a problem for our relationship. He says that he will only see her if I agree but I am not sure how I would feel about him meeting her again even for a finite period of time in a location that I know exactly when and where they are.
Will it help him in any way too as clearly he also feels regret for lying to her and to me? If she finds someone new then I will also feel more comfortable but clearly she is strugglign and  text message ending a 2 year affair is tough I am sure to take.
What do you guys think I should tell him to do? Would he meet her anyway is my other worry?
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Avatar universal
People will treat you the way that you ALLOW them to treat you... Please remember that.

My husband would have been looong gone... probably buried in the swamp somewhere.. just saying....
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
No nothing! No contact! He did struggle with it and the first few months were hard because she would call him and text him and we had issues with backing off and he quickly learned either he change numbers or I was leaving the relationship. So she became history. I was hurt enough and could care less about this woman's feelings. She stepped into my relationship so if she got hurt than that was her fault. She was lucky I didn't put her in the hospital. You need to start making some demands here and make sure you're being respected. He broke the rules and so now he plays by yours.
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Avatar universal
i would absolutely not stand for ANY contact what so ever. no emails, ims, texts, phone calls. i would demand he find a new gym. (i have absolutely NO tolerance for cheating and IF i gave him a second chance ohhhh he'd be on one h3ll of a short leash. a choke chain in fact.) if he didn't find a new gym you can bet i'd be right there with him. if she showed up and he still refused to switch gyms...divorce papers. (i've seen my mother cheated on time after time after time....i won't live in the agony and miserableness she did for all those years. even her latest husband well....soon to be ex husband, has been cheating on her for 2 1/2 years...they've been married for 3. luckily she wised up this time)  if he insisted on seeing her and having contact with her...divorce papers. there is absolutely NO REASON why he should see her. none what so ever. she does not matter. her feeling are not important. he should be on his knees and bending over backwards to make you happy. to reassure you and to do whatever he can to make the marriage work. HE screwed up...you shouldn't be the one going..well okay i guess seeing her is fine. it's not. it most certainly IS NOT!

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Avatar universal
I was not writing specifically to you sorry if you took it that way. I am just shocked at how easy going whatevernext is. I guess if it works for her and she is comfortable with it whatever, but i agree with special mom, he should be willing to do what ever it takes to make her feel comfortable even if it means canceling his membership. What is more important his relationship or his membership?
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just think if my husband screwed up and had an affair for two years with a woman, I would expect things like not doing work out classes with her.  I'm a big old meanie I guess.  I do have expectations of his committment to my peace of mind and I'd be hurt if he decided to keep his membership to that gym or that he wanted to meet with his ex to "explain" things.  He should hand the phone to you so you can explain it in about 2 minutes time.  He's done with you and you should move on goodbye (oh yeah, do NOT contact us again).  Her desire for more is at your expense.  That is my opinion.  

But you have to do what is right for you and it sounds like you've made up your mind. I would just hate for you to live day by day, be happy and see what happens to result in another two year cheating spell.  If you feel like (and don't answer here if this is the case) that you can not make any demands on your husband in this area, I would take that seriously as that would make things difficult down the road for you.   Good luck and I wish you and your husband future happiness.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
it is near to his work and means that he can go in the mornings - failing that he'd never get time to go. So did you insist on absolutely no contact? No text, emails, calls, meetings etc. what would you have done if you had found simple emails etc that are functional and asking straightforward questions?
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
You are much more lenient than I was. I made sure that the other woman was out of my fiancé's life. If she wasn't than he would've had to quit his job because I wouldn't be comfortable knowing they would be seeing eachother. Why does he refuse to leave the gym?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am not a member of the club - I am sure that she may try to be there when he is as they both go to the same classes but what can I do. He will not cancel for sure and I cant really tell her to can I given she has been a member for years before their affair even started.

What will be will be right? I have decided I am not going to monitor him and worry where he is. I wil live day by day, be happy and see what happens.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I would talk to him about this club membership.  Tell him how you feel about it.  Is she going to stalk you guys and try to be there when he is or you?  That is a risk you will run and he should tell you his thoughts on that in my opinion.  It will be hard on you to routinely bump into her.  Some things may have to be sacrificed by him to keep you happy after his past actions.  

If he insists on meeting her, I would question his feelings to be honest.  That would hurt me very much and if he is still willing to hurt me over her------------  it would say a lot to me.  I'd go as well.  I think she needs to know that it is over and he is with you and you being there makes that statement loud and clear.  
Wishing you luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Thanks for all your comments - he hasnt mentioned it again over the last few days so I will just wait and see how things pan out. I have however found out that they are still using the same gym. They previously had a joint membership that he was paying for but she is now paying for her own (I know by reference to banking documents). I am sure they dont meet up deliberatly to go at the same time but they must see each other there which is probably why she mentioned meeting up with him to speak as he goes in the morning then heads into work. They work close by which is why they ended up members of the same club. What do you think I can do? He will not cancel the membership I am sure of that.
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
Whatever works for you ginger may not work for others.  I personally would not have felt comfortable with them meeting up again.  I think once it's over and the choice was made, they need to deal with it and stay away from one another.  I know that my fiance still held feelings for the other woman.  It was difficult for both of them to let go but in the end, he wanted me and that's where he needed to stay.  She had to get over it, she had to move on.  She got with him knowing he had a family and a life with someone else, than that's the risk she took.  Now she needs to deal with the consequences of that.  My feelings were more important than hers.   But if it worked for you then that is great.  
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Avatar universal
I was only trying to make the point to the poster that there are two sides to every story. I know that I was lucky, but you have to accept that there will always be place in his heart for her - he loved her after all and I cant believe that things wont happen that in some ways remind him of her. That doesnt mean that he wants to rekindle the affair though. I took a chance and it paid off, but if sparks fly and he runs off and leaves you for her then there is very little that you can do about that. If he wants to cheat he will either with her and someone else there is very little you can do to prevent that and why woudl you want such a loser.
In my situation, then it worked out as no sparks flew. Otherwise I was always worried that if we argued, had a bad patch he would run back to her - I think their meeting and him returning to me made me feel better and more sure too
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Avatar universal
I can't believe I am even reading this but if he feels he must meet with her ( bad idea) then you better go along too.
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Avatar universal
i would have to say you are too  naive. how can you trust a man who had an affair and then wants to meet with said other woman???? that just does not make sense. he destroyed that trust. he was WITH ANOTHER WOMAN! i'm not sure how much more untrustworthy a person can get. like imanaddict said...what if sparks fly? what if he goes back to her? what if yet another affair begins?

if he is truly committed to you he shouldn't give a flying rats behind about her. that other woman DOES NOT MATTER. who cares if she's left wondering why the relationship didn't work. well duh...he's married THAT'S why it didn't work. he shouldn't have to meet up with her and try to work on things or whatever. that's NOT how marriage is. you don't cater to the spouses lover.
Helpful - 0
303824 tn?1294871401
Why does he need to clear things up with her if he chose you? She shouldn't even be on his mind, all the focus should be on you and what makes you happy. I hate to say this but I can't help but wonder what his motives truly are. What if they meet up and the sparks start to fly again? Are you willing to take that chance?
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
I don't think there would be anything left to discuss and there are other ways to communicate other than meeting up. If he is truly commited to you then there is no need to see or talk to the other woman any longer. What's done is done.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I see your point but dont really agree as I have decided to trust him and forgive him.
I am not his keeper and am not interested in meeting her and also he can say that he is going to make his marriage work but then decide to meet up with her a second time if he still has things he wants to say/she wants to say. What will be will be, and if he hadnt wanted to stay with me/with her he wouldnt have.
If he meets her and something happens then he is not really committed to her and why would she want to stay with him, end up with kids etc?
May be I am too naive
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
If you agree to let them meet, go along also. Let her see you  and meet you also as his wife and let him tell her in front of you that he is going to make his marriage work, but in front of you. There is absolutely no reason for them to ever be alone anywhere again!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I wouldnt be so quick to write off the idea. I was in a similar situation and when I saw the message asking to meet up with him on his phone I agreed. At the end of the day, he could meet her in secret which might have been more exciting rather than with my full knowledge. If he had wanted to be with her he coudl leave me and I think that by meeting her, returning to me makes it clear that he is done with her and he said to me that he had no feelings for her anymore. That said, he wont be meeting her again.
We are both doctors so she might not have realised as we work shifts that are always changing and coming home late is part and parcel of the ER.
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Avatar universal
Uuuhh.. Noooooo. Not a wise idea...
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Avatar universal
Oh hell NO! There is no way in hell I would have his ex mistress anywhere near him. He is to change his e-mail, cell phone number and threaten him that if he speaks one more word to her, you will divorce him and take his bank account with you. Ok, not so drastic. Absolutely not. There is no reason for her to go anywhere near your husband and you warn him that if he so speaks another word to her, you will leave. Also, have him change all his e-mail addresses and you have access to all and phone number. The infidelity is inexcusable and unexceptable and the nerve of that woman contacting your husband. Make sure if she call again, you answer the phone if she has anything to say to him, it's you she will be dealing with and tell her you consider her behavior stalking and harassment and will report to the police as such. I recommend that you both attend marrige counseling, to get down to all the issues in your marriage and what needs he felt were not met, but the affair is over and you must take control and make sure she does not come anywhere near you, your husband nor your family. Good Luck, Judy
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Avatar universal
No, your marriage comes first. Leave the past in the past because if she is wanting to meet with him, it is very clear that she has no intentions of letting it go. It is done, over and does not matter why or how at this point. He needs to look ahead with you and not glance back. There is nothing but trouble brewing back there. It also does not say much for her to see someone for two years and not know something is off. I can find anything I want to know about someone via the internet or a good old fashioned background check. He took and gave two years of your life to someone else, I say that is more than enuff.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Just want to jump on the band wagon.  No I would not allow my husband to meet with his ex lover.  Whether he lied to her or not, that is none of her concern.  How much did he have to lie to her for her not to know something was up?  
In two years----------  Did she come to his home?  Did he spend a whole weekend with him?  Did she meet any of his family?  Did he spend a holiday with her?  
I really don't think someone can be fooled for that long----------  and therefore, do not see her as a victim of his lies at all.  I know people can be mislead----------  but don't for a second think that she had no idea the whole two years that something was up.
And even if she was that nonobservant -----  this is not your problem.  He should write her a letter saying that he does not want any contact with her.  He's sorry but he has moved on and is happily with his wife.  And it is time for her to move on as well.

I mean----------- do you really want him sitting down with her and rehashing their relationship and what went wrong???  No--------  I'll answer that for you!!!  So, you obviously have a huge heart to even consider this but I would put your energy into your marriage and ask your husband to forgo any meetings with her now or in the future.  And ask him to tell her not to contact him anymore.  good luck
Helpful - 0
145992 tn?1341345074
I can totally relate, my fiance had a 2 year affair about 2 years ago and the only difference is, she did know about me and our son.  However, he found it difficult to let go of the other woman as well because he had also lied to her and she felt that they would be together one day.  As much as I feel sorry for her because she wasted years of her life on a man who would never be with her, I feel sorry for me more because I was the victim.  In your husband's situation, she had to have known something I mean come on, you would have to be brain dead not to know something fishy.  Anyway, it's not your burden to bear, your feelings are more important than hers.  She needs to get closure on her own and that should've happened already.  It's been months since they ended their affair.  He should not worry about her and should cut off all contact with her immediately.  If she wants to meet up, then she can meet up with you and you can tell her she needs to move on.  She should not be involved in your marriage any longer.  I also agree that you need some marital counseling.  Through the counseling he can come to terms with all the lies he's told.
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