Age difference!

bottom line, im 18 and hes 26 turning 27 next month (weve been together for 5 mnths) and my entire family doesnt approve... but were very much in love, i just cant take the pressure, judgment and disprove from my family, what should i do? im almost ready to move in with him just to stand up to my parents and show them that i can make my own choices... any tips?

[RainLover71]

You're old enough now to make your own decisions and that is not really such an age gap,it's not up to your family,it's your choise.The only problem here might be that your family may not want to have anything to do with either of you if you continue the relationship or move in together.It could be a situation where they might say it's us or him.This is a tough one but at 18 you are old enough to do what's right for you.The other option is to really state your case to your family and express all your true feelings,if you have already done this then the opinion of a qualified therapist might be useful.I wish you all the best.

[Londres70]

After reading your journal entry, no wonder your family feels the way they do.  He/your bf doesn't sound like someone who is bringing the best out of you.  His influence sounds negative.  Plus, you aren't sure if you are pregnant or not. To add.....you have only been together for 5 months. I think your family should be concerned.   I think his character is more a concern then his age.  

Before you do anything else, really think about what you are doing with your life. I am sure your family is fearful that if you end up with this guy and moved in it will be disastrous.  You are already missing classes, tests and assignments at school due to this bf.  Plus, you made some mention about other girls and your bf.  

Dear, don't let some guy guide your life into a ditch.  Slow down and think about your future.  I can tell you it won't be much WITHOUT any education and babies to take care of.  

You are 18 years of age and yes it is your life and it is YOUR decision.    

[RainLover71]

Sorry,I should have read your journal entry aswell,maybe give it some time and see how things go,It appears as though your family is looking out for you and really care about you.Perhaps you should slow down a touch and think this through,I believe what Londres said is spot on and your future is what counts.Education is very important also,18 is young so you have plenty of time to make the correct decision.Again,I wish you all the best.

[specialmom]

I haven't read your journal but will take Londres word for it and agree with her.  I am sure that age isn't the main factor making them negative about this situation.

Honestly, you are of an age in which you really need to do something with your life . . . not you and a guy.  Dating is a sideline to that when you are 18.  You need to be either in college or training for a good job so that you can be financially independent and a strong woman with options.  period.

Good luck

[shell921]

specialmom is right again! at 18 you are in a state of growth and change. you will outgrow this 28 year old in a few years. why is he with you is the question? he needs to be with a woman 24 or 25 not a kid like you. your brain isn't fully developed until maybe 25. work on you. your education is of utmost importance. therapists offices are full of 40 year women who gave up their dreams to settle down with some guy they were in love with 20 years prior and it didn't work out. now they are divorced with no job skills. "dating is a sideline at your age" truer words were never spoken.

[Kayannaboo]

Remember that family is family and in the end they'll last longer than this guy will. Do not allow him to drive a wedge between you and your family. Its only been 5mths, wait before moving in. Get to know him better before making such a decision. Also, you sound like you would move in out of spite, that is not a good thing. Sometimes our others can pick up on disaster better than we can, this happens because they are on the outside looking in. When you are within an issue it doesn't seem like you one, you have to be separated from it.

Take care!

Anna

[specialmom]

I did want to come back and make one comment about simple age difference.  When my husband and I were in our 30's, some of my husband's friends dated and then married women 10 years younger than them.  As you get older, age difference is less of an issue.  Some of these women are 10 years younger than me and are my best buds now.  So on the surface, an age difference can work-----------  but I again doubt that this is the real issue your parents are having.  good luck

[khawkins]

I will have to agree with specialmom on this one.  Age is something that once out of highschool seems to diminish.  For instance, me and my spouce have a 13.5 yr difference in our relationship.  But I have been in the situatin of being in a serious relationship too young as well.  When I was 22 I was pregnant, married at 23.  2nd baby at 24, and filed for separtation at the age of 26.  This was not anything that I could have imagined for myself.  No one thinks that you are going to be in that situation, before you do anything you need to really sit back and take a look at your bf.  The spouce that will be yours for the rest of your life will push you to be the best that you can be, he will compliment you (not just physically, but your personality),  you will know that he is the one for you, and if he does all of that for you, your family will see that and love him too.  If he is already started to effect your school, and family life within only 5 months of being together, I am sure that it isn't going to stop there once you live with him or even stay with him for a longer period of time.  Please do not move in with this guy.  You are still so young and have lots to live and learn.  Don't make the same mistake I did.  

[brice1967]

I remember being 18....

I've read your journal and would agree with a few of the above posters.  I'd almost bet the ranch on the fact that your parents do not see this guy as a positive influence on you.  Your journal said that you had an argument over an irrelevant woman.... if she was irrelevant, why the arguing?  If you're arguing about irrelevant things, what is going to happen with the "real" relevant things?  Things like pregnancy, your future, your education should all be your primary interest at 18, and I think your parents are asking to to take a minute and get everything back into perspective.

At 18, I believe that most people are fully capable of making adult decisions, but are not fully capable of dealing with the ramifications of those adult decisions.  I'm not saying that older adults are completely capable of making the right decisions all of the time, but what all older people do have is experience.

It's real important for you to realize that your parents were 18 once, and really not too long ago.  They made decisions or watched other people make decisions that didn't pan out so well.  From that, they learned a few things and are trying to pass that knowledge on to you.

My oldest son is your age.  He is a brilliant kid.  He will probably tell you that he is sometimes too smart for his own britches.  His mother and I have always given him just enough rope to learn how to tie a knot, but reeled him back in before he did something stupid with that knot.  (I am frequently amazed by what my son knows and does not know.)  My son is miles beyond my knowledge in books, but I have little faith that he would do a good job trying to take care of himself, completely on his own at this point in time.

In closing, you have your entire life in front of you.  It's even possible to recover from a couple bad decisions, depending on what those decisions are.  Your family is your family for the rest of your life.  To you, they may seem like the dumbest, most ignorant people you've ever come across... but they are your family until the day you die.  If I were you, I would not write them off as of yet.  I'd listen good and hard to what they have to say.

(At the age of 45, I now realize how smart my mother and grandparents really were.  I could have made my life a bit easier had I taken the time to listen.)

[TTinKKerBBell]

The age gap between 18 and almost 27 is HUGE.  This is WAY more issue than a simple number.  18 is still a TEENAGER - He's been out of HighSchool and hopefully functioning as an adult for several YEARS.  A nine year age gap may not matter when EVERYONE concerned is an adult but to be 9 years older than a TEENAGER is big!!  I understand Your parents' concerns.
and
You are risking pregnancy at 18 with a five MONTH !! (OMGolly !!) relationship - That's GIANT poor choice on Your part - and His as well.   In this Day and Age Men are responsible for Their own sperm - He should not be risking a pregnancy with an 18 year old Girl.
Maybe You Both need a few more years under Your belts ??

[Phoopibear]

Thank you all, Unfortunately my luck keep getting worse.. Today I hung out with him after school.. knowing that it was wrong, yes, my other brother called (im also living with my brother and his girlfriend while Im "away" at school) and i LIED to him, this was'nt the first time. Im extremely fearful of judgment and ridicule form my family (more from family than friends or peers) Id rather lie to my family and tell them what they want to hear to make them happy or so that I can continue to do what I WANT TO DO or what option looks better to me.. well I lied.. and my parents are forcing me to move back home after only a few months into my freshman year. And im also doing very well in all of my classes.. Im leaving tomorrow morning and im really contemplation moving in with someone that i love and continuing education in a city that i really like (which should help me with my goals and wants)... I know this is alot but any pointers?
thank you all so much!

[Londres70]

Moving in with your bf?  Is that what you are contemplating?  

Dear, dear, I wouldn't advise that at all.  I really think he is a distraction and is drawing you into things you shouldn't be doing. Dating someone and living together are two DIFFERENT things; trust me dear.  Your 100% focus should be on YOU and SCHOOL for right now.  That will be beneficial to you in the long run, not this bf.  Yes, you may be doing well in your classes right now, but I don't think you will continue to do well if you move in with this guy OR if you keep missing classes and assignments because you didn't have time to complete them related to spending time with your bf.  

May I ask what is your bf doing being that he is considerably older than you?  Does he work or go to school?  What exactly is he doing besides sneaking you off to be with him?  

Because of this bf, you have turned to lying to your family and doing things you know you SHOULDN'T be doing.   By the tone of your last post you know this is WRONG.  

MY POINTER......GO HOME and deal with the wrath of your lying with your parents.  With lying comes consequences.  Secondly, get focused completely on you and school; not this bf.  

Sounds like your family loves you and wants the best for you.  

Your statement...."Id rather lie to my family and tell them what they want to hear to make them happy or so that I can continue to do what I WANT TO DO or what option looks better to me"............  I can't justify you lying in this situation.  Would you want your family lying to you?  How would you feel?

I sure hope this bf and all was worth all the lying.  You aren't having "bad luck" dear; you are making POOR decisions dear and you have the power to make this right.  

[shell921]

Get real. There is something wrong with any man who who is 28 and wants to be with an 18 year old. As others have said if you were both older this might not matter. My husband is 9 years older than I am. But we got married when I was 28 & he was 37. I was a more mature adult at 28 than I was at 18. And you will be too. When I was 15 my best friend began sneak dating a guy 24. She got pregnant and had to drop out of high school and marry this guy. Her poor parents were so upset. My friend and her husband had 2 kids and lasted about 8 years and then divorced. Then she and her then EX-husband had many bitter battles over custody and her life was hell-ish for many years! I'm tellin' 'ya girl--enjoy your youth while you are young. Don't get tied down. Don't move in with this older guy. It will never last.

[specialmom]

Oh, in all seriousness---------  I don't think there is 'something wrong' with a man of 28 wanting an 18 year old.  That is probably pretty common.  

I do think that plucking a girl right out from her parents home and the tender age of 18 by a man that is 28 would indicate his desire for control or he himself is immature or he just likes the 'young' woman look.  But by 20, 21, etc. that age difference isn't really that huge to me.  My husband is only 2 years older than me and I've never had a big age gap in people that I've dated but . . . my dear friend is married to a man 17 years her senior.  Very happily, I might add.  And as stated before, my husband has a few really good friends that married much younger women and these women are now good friends of mine.  Not a big deal.  (in my opinion)

But, that is not what I see as the issue here.  You are lying.  You are sneaking.  You are acting like a child.  Your parents are treating you like a child.  From what others have mentioned, you play around with pregnancy as well (which is just not very smart).  Because you seem to not be using good judgement (lying, sneaking, talking about babies)----   your parents are in fear that you will derail your whole life with this time period of not having your head on straight about what is important (YOUR EDUCATION and GROWING UP).  I can't say that I blame them.  I would be terrified of your current decision as well if I loved you dearly and wanted you to have a good life.  

So, consider that they DO have your best interest at heart.  If you move in with your boyfriend . . .   your life will be on a new path.  Not one I'd EVER want for my daughter as you will most likely become a statistic.  Being brutally honest knowing you won't hear me.  But 'hoping'  you do!  good luck

[Londres70]

I really don't see the age difference per se as the problem; I am viewing the bf more of a bad influence.  

Your family loves you alot and only want what's best for you; treasure that.

Definitely agree with Specialmom.  

[Phoopibear]

Its just that I have alot to think about, my boyfriend wants me to do what is right for me. He is being supportive and not giving "his side" or what he wants me to do. Hes trying to help make this decision for myself but its hard. I want to do my own thing and show my parents that I can do something with myself and make something of myself if I really needed to. Ive apologized to my brother and next I need to do the same for my parents. And Ive began to see that I ashamed and Im extremely upset at the fact that I lied not that I got caught. I want to fix this and make it right but I dont feel that Im given the chance to.. I understand that I and only I can make my own choices, and I know that this takes time. But i want to be able to be 100% truthful to my parents and be able to make myself happy. I also know that Im old enough to make my own decisions in my life. I just need to show them that Im not a mess up in life. I greatly greatly appreciated everyone's advice.. I would never here this from my family.. Its always yelling and screaming and forcing. Im not at my parents house and fortunately Im on Spring break at school. But if my mom is going to try to keep me here even after break Im going to have to go back to finish out this year bc it will be money wasted! Even though Im only in community college I dont want my father to feel that he wasted his money. I also think it would be rather selfish to take me out of school for something that is life-threatening or something tragic. I really am a great person, Im not that type of person that was into bad things in high school, I was practically "caged" through most of it but I was never really in that much trouble, nothing un ordinary for a teenage girl I guess. He isnt that bad of a guy also. Hes mature and liked me for my maturity. Ive missed class bc I allowed myself too, He doesnt force me, or make me believe something that its not. Hes my bestfriend, my lover, and he means alot to me. We also dont fight very often thats why I was so upset the other day about the irrelevant girl post. It effected me alot bc hes never done anything like that. I dont want to ramble along anymore or have any of you waste your time telling me things I really should have figured out on my own..
But thank you all again. I just need to talk to my parents and basically beg my brother to let me finish out the school year at his house. If i cant do that then Id have to ask my friend to let me stay with her for a short time. But Im writing down my goals, my wants, my needs,and my likes in life and I hope that this well help me stay on the right track
Thank you all VERY VERY much!

[Londres70]

Please keep us posted on your progress.  

All the best.

[Phoopibear]

Will do thank you!

[shell921]

If a 28 year old man finds an 18 year old GIRL intellectually interesting then the man has a case of arrested development. Of course most 28 year old men would love to have SEX with 18 year old girls - I'm not saying they don't. All I am saying is that if a 28 year old man is with an 18 year old it's most likely that he is emotionally immature or not that smart or BOTH.

[Phoopibear]

That could be it... He was basically abandoned by his family as a teenager. He was "under loved" by them and left the house by 16. After he dropped out of school and got his GED, he was unable to go straight into college so he worked his butt off. He has even told me that he feels that he hasnt changed as much as he should have since he was about 18. because he started college at 25 and now me meeting him a year later. He also mentions that all of this has to do with him growing up and his childhood and teenage years. He hasnt had many good relationships with girls and at times I feel like i bring out the more mature and better side of him because Im pretty mature myself in my personal life besides some of my bad choices... But all of what your saying is no surprise to me, I fell in love with this guy and I would leave him just because someone thinks hes incapable at being an adult. he handles his "****" he has a license, a car, his own apartment, a job, plays football, and works out daily, he knows what he wants in life and where he wants to be... and that's what counts right? Why cant we mature further together? is that wrong?

[Phoopibear]

I WOULD NOT*** LEAVE HIM! that was an error, I would not leave him is what I ment to say

[specialmom]

Again shell, I'm careful not to overgeneralize.

[shell921]

Phoopi-I told you the story about when I was 15 my best friend began sneak dating a guy 24. She got pregnant and had to drop out of high school and marry this guy. Her poor parents were so upset. My friend and her husband had 2 kids and lasted about 8 years together and then they divorced. Then she and her then EX-husband had many bitter battles over custody and her life was hell-ish for many years! Both the kids were damaged as a result - in my opinion. Maybe as special mom says I am "overgeneralizing" about 28 year old men. I just have never seen an emotionally mature "together" man over age 25 with an 18 year old girl. I haven't seen everything of course but I am a lot older than 18 and I have been around and seen a lot. Each case of a man
over age 25 with a teen age girl that I have EVER seen, the man is emotionally immature. So that's just my opinion and I could be wrong. You ask why can't you mature together - well, perhaps you can--perhaps you can grow together. But realize you change a lot between age 18 and age 28. When you reach age 28 and your man is 38 you may have emotionally outgrown him. So the odds are against growing together. You'll bypass him. You are just so young right now to toss your future into such an uncertain and risky situation. Just my opinion. Why are you limiting yourself? When i was 18 I was in college and preparing for my future. i dated several guys in college--not all at the same time but one after the other. It helped me learn about myself and grow a lot more than if i had limited myself to just one man. Don't limit yourself. The years 18-28 are the best growth years for self-learning. Get an education that will prepare you for making your own way in this world and date for fun with men your own age.

[specialmom]

I agree that if you at 18 are agreeing that this man is immature, he IS immature.  That isn't a good sign.  

Some people get married very young and have happy lives for sure.  But statistically, marrying the man you meet at your age is a predictor of future divorce.  I am not saying all marriages/partnerships with teens end but so many do that we use it as an indicator to the longevity of a relationship.  A young age is a contributing factor to future divorce.  

I am getting that none of what we 'old folks' says matters to you.  And that is what is scary is that you are quite blindly fighting for this relationship.

Romeo and Juliet, anyone?  

Anyway, good luck and I hope it all works out well for you and you don't learn life's lessons the hard way.  peace

[specialmom]

Just read in another forum that you are wondering if you are pregnant.  Oh boy.  Written about the time of your last post.  Recipe for disaster or disaster waiting to happen . . . not sure which is more accurate at this point.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I'm hanging with shell921 on this one.

Leaving sex out of the equation, a 28 year old Man should out distance an 18 year old Girl (She's still a TEENAGER!!) mentally -  maturity, experience, etc., etc. - and if He does not, then HIS lack of maturity will one day create problems when SHE outdistances HIM!!

If She isn't wise enough to avoid a pregnancy right now then one would expect Him to take control to avoid it - He should be old enough to know a pregnancy wouldn't be a good idea  at this time and as I suggested earlier, in this day and age a Man is responsible for His own sperm!!  If He is having sex with a "girl" who doesn't realize the consequences because of HER immaturity then HE should make sure it doesn't happen.  SOMEONE should be the "grown up" here and make sure a pregnancy doesn't happen!!  A mature Man would want Her to finish school and likely that's what Her Parents want also.

[Phoopibear]

Well some one posted that I could just be experiencing the birthcontrol that I have only been taking for about 2 months.. I was just curious that I could be pregnant because I was showing signs (weight gain, breast tenderness, cravings, mood swings, etc) which was weird for me. My doctor had only said that honestly side effects are different for everyone so you just got to go with them as they come. He is responsible for his semen and he is not idiotic. Like everyone is kinda making him seem

[specialmom]

Well, you can store this tid bit of information away.  You'd have only been a couple of weeks pregnant, right?  Well, you can take a pregnancy test as soon as you miss a period.  Yep.  AND, most side effects do not start right away with the exception of being tired.  Weight gain doesn't happen right away and nausea starts around week 6 to 7 typically.  I had terrible morning sickness and it kicked in then which my doctor told me that this was when it usually appears.  The nausea is due to the hormones----  and you need enough of it to feel bad.  

I am pretty clear that you are going to do what you are going to do without consideration for advice given.  Hey, it is your life.  You can live it anyway you want.  But people that are older, more experienced and have been where you are wanted to help.  

I went to college freshman year with a boyfriend at home.  He was going to a local community college.  He was a bit older and my parents HATED him.  I wanted to also go to a local college in my city because of him.  My parents forbid me from doing this.  I was mad.  Um, I am beyond thankful that I didn't do that and that I'm not with that man.  I grew up and saw that I wanted more for myself.  My parents were dead on right.  I worry for you that your parents are right too and you're going to end up a statistic down the road. . . an uneducated, single mother.  No one wants that for you.  You are at a point in which you can set your life on a certain track.  And finishing your education is key to that.  Do it.  Make that your primary focus.  The boyfriend (this one or the next) should be secondary.  But all the drama this relationship creates for you is distracting from school.  Ugh.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I've read Your profile and You know what?  You are acting like a teenager - which is SO alright, cuz that's what, in fact, You are!!  BUT that is why I question why a 27 year old mature man is hanging with a teenager.

Your Parents want what's best for You and once You have matured and grown up a little - You will see this.  It's what You're gonna want one day for Your own teenage daughter.